Austin: if someone asks if you “notice anything new” tell them “i do, your beauty surprises me every day”. then continue thinking about your pointless existance
Felix to Emily: that seems like the kinda thing a responsible parent wouldn't want you doing… good thing I'm not related to you!
Felix: No, trust me. I have the leg strength of a killer whale.
Jarrod: Whales don't have legs.
Felix: didn’t anyone teach you to say “please” and “thank you”?
Austin: please, shut the fuck up
Felix:
Austin: Thank you.
Jarrod: Anyone d-
Austin: Depressed?
Felix: Drained?
Emily: Dumb?
Melissa: Disliked?
Jarrod: -done with their work… what is wrong with you people …
Melissa, texting: wou will machete through this!
Melissa: make it
Melissa: do not machete your way through this
Austin: [sends picture of himself holding a monster head*]
Austin: too late
Melissa: on a scale from 1 to australia, how dangerous is this plan?
Jarrod: Accidentally knocking Emily down in front of Austin
Felix: No even I'm doing something that dangerous.
Melissa: I think Austin might have PTSD
Felix: Yeah, proficient talent for sucking dick.
Melissa: You're really not helping Felix.
Austin: I don’t think you understand how funny that was.
Felix: Jarrod, we tried things your way,
Jarrod: No, we didn’t.
Felix: I did in my head and it didn't work.
Austin: Fuck capitalism. It’s a rigged system that keeps us poor and it isn’t fair. You shouldn’t need to work three jobs to afford basic necessities.
Austin, playing monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win, you should have tried not being poor.
Felix: You need to show them that you’re stronger than you actually are.
Emily: Is that what you do?
Felix: Oh, no. My strength isn’t an illusion. I could demolish them if given the chance.
Melissa: Who knew getting in trouble would be so hard?
Jarrod: I’ve gotta give you credit, Jarrod. I don’t know how you do it.
Felix: Years of practice.
Felix: I had a dream that i was in a clown enrichment center buying clown shoes.
Austin: are you sure it was a dream?
Austin; what a week, huh?
Melissa: Austin, it's wednesday.
Austin: we sure had quite a year.
Melissa: It's may.
Felix: I could strangle you right now.
Jarrod: You can't reach high enough.
Felix: You've sunken so low that i can.
Judge: I order you to pay $10,000
Felix: What! Why??
Judge: It's a fine.
Felix: no itsa not…
Jarrod: You're deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are!
Felix, sobbing: IT'S NOT A JOKE, I'M A FUCKING SNACK.
Melissa: [staring into the camera with a microphone in hand] And here you can see the endangered Austin Dunn in their natural habitat.
Austin: [falls down the stairs, spilling his cereal everywhere]
Melissa: Natural selection is coming for this specimen.
Jarrod: Why do I always have to be the mom of the group?
Felix: because I’m baby and Austin is an Aries
Austin: I'm not an aries
Felix: because I'm baby and Austin is an asshole
[3am]
Austin: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I'm asking about you, specifically.
Felix: To be honest, I think of you all as fr… f…
Melissa: Almost there!
Felix: F… fffff… frien…
Jarrod: Take your time.
Emily: [sees a ladybug]
Emily: [tips hat] ma'am
Jarrod: [Carves 'J + F' into a tree]
Felix: What a dork.
Felix: [Adds '4 eva']
Austin: you have got to stop breaking into my house.
Melissa: i wouldn’t have to, if you’d just give me a key.
Austin: wait wHATS THE NAME OF THE KID CLOWNFISH THEY TRY TO FIND IN FINDING NEMO???
Melissa: …are you fucking kidding me?
Austin: glass is just sand that vibed too hard, change my mind
Jarrod: this is your chance to be the bigger person.
Felix i don't want to be the bigger person.
Felix: being the small and petty person is way more fun.
