forum Virtual Creative Writing Club, anyone?
Started by @ninja_violinist
tune

people_alt 130 followers

@ElderGod-kirky group

So here's the Gay

definitely softer than what's coming up in here, the Angst

I recommend reading Angst first and then softening it with Gay, but hey, it's your choice

@saor_illust school

!!tw!! spoilered for your convenience !!tw!!
okay so
this is a lil scene i wrote for my character, ember's backstory
it's set in another world of my frens
so facetiming becomes using a magic mirror
and yes she has to yell out the window bc phones and computers and all that dont exist in this world

Deleted user

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

@ninja_violinist

hey guess what it's Saturday! brace yourselves for the questionable feedback incoming!

@crocs-to-a-knife-fight
fhdjks ok that Catori and Caroline thing was too sweet. my heart couldn't handle it. very very well done.
One thing I noticed is that sometimes you forget to keep actions sequential? generally, I recommend presenting actions within a sentence in the order that they happen in unless you want to specifically emphasise one. otherwise it can get difficult to keep track of things. for example,

"The smile that graced his lips, soft and strangely refreshing, brought one to Catori’s features as well, following the ‘thank you’ as she accepted the small handful of quarters. " reads a bit awkwardly - when does she smile? when does she get the quarters? when does she say thank you?

or

"Catori said, sticking her tongue right back out at Cisco when he made the gesture."

but yeah. other than that, this was too pure for this world. I just want Catori to be happy please

the poem - excellent message and concept.
favourite line: "At least you don’t look like a corpse - /Unless that’s what you’re going for of course -"
this is a very weird structural question, but would it make sense to switch the order of the first and second stanza? idk why it occurred to me but it's a thought I guess? on one level it feels like the advice gets increasingly more personal that way, but that's also my impression, I think. so idk.
also I'm guessing you mean to put an em dash instead of a hyphen there? you probably know all this, but there is a difference between the two. Hyphens connect words, em dashes detach out phrases from sentences. (and just for completeness' sake, en dashes are the weird middle ones that connect inclusive numbers like dates or page numbers). they're a pain to format and borderline unnecessary but if you like to feel powerful by nitpicking punctuation they're a fun group of signs to know.

so yeah. thanks for sharing this week!

@strangebird
ah that's ok I didn't need my heart anyway??
the angst was very intense, but also very tastefully written, I find. it's obviously a very distressing moment, so I'm glad that the rape was kept at implications rather than lingering on it or even explicitly naming it. it almost feels like it's more respectful to the character that way?
two things where I'd revise for more consistency are the tense and the pov. It makes sense for us to get both Theresa and Emyr's perspective on the level that both are insightful and add to the story? but it seems a little bit inconsistent with the limited pov narration that's going on. it might be a fun writing exercise to go for a more omniscient voice, or to rewrite it while fully commiting to one of the two? idk. it's not egregiously wrong or anything, just a bit jarring.

the gay was already very good and then Carsyn showed up and it became fabulous. I don't know her, but I love her. she deserves the world.
the tense issue comes up a bit more in this one, along with something that I guess is a pet peeve of mine, so feel free to disregard it. but epithets along the lines of "the male" or "the human" always seem a bit odd to me? I absolutely feel ya with the pronoun issue, but it seems like a very vague characteristic to identify someone by. idk. it's very far removed from a big deal but I figured I'd mention it.

both of these were lovely to read though!! thanks so much for sharing!

@izzy-the-vampire-ghost
I really appreciate the worldbuilding in this! the letters, the mirror facetime, the yelling out of the window - they're all quite subtle but they add a bit of flavour to the whole text.
I'm assuming since this is meant to be a backstory, it wasn't meant to be super drawn out and delicately paced and stuff? but I would definitely recommend splitting it into a few more paragraphs, just to slow the action down a little bit and improve readability and flow. other than that, I noticed a few things that could probably be reworded for a bit better flow (for example, the phrase "was kept at bay with her concern").
but otherwise, this was… fun is not the right word, because the content is pretty heavy, but it was an interesting and intriguing read!

@croccin-champagne

hey guess what it's Saturday! brace yourselves for the questionable feedback incoming!

@crocs-to-a-knife-fight
fhdjks ok that Catori and Caroline thing was too sweet. my heart couldn't handle it. very very well done.
One thing I noticed is that sometimes you forget to keep actions sequential? generally, I recommend presenting actions within a sentence in the order that they happen in unless you want to specifically emphasise one. otherwise it can get difficult to keep track of things. for example,

"The smile that graced his lips, soft and strangely refreshing, brought one to Catori’s features as well, following the ‘thank you’ as she accepted the small handful of quarters. " reads a bit awkwardly - when does she smile? when does she get the quarters? when does she say thank you?

or

"Catori said, sticking her tongue right back out at Cisco when he made the gesture."

but yeah. other than that, this was too pure for this world. I just want Catori to be happy please

the poem - excellent message and concept.
favourite line: "At least you don’t look like a corpse - /Unless that’s what you’re going for of course -"
this is a very weird structural question, but would it make sense to switch the order of the first and second stanza? idk why it occurred to me but it's a thought I guess? on one level it feels like the advice gets increasingly more personal that way, but that's also my impression, I think. so idk.
also I'm guessing you mean to put an em dash instead of a hyphen there? you probably know all this, but there is a difference between the two. Hyphens connect words, em dashes detach out phrases from sentences. (and just for completeness' sake, en dashes are the weird middle ones that connect inclusive numbers like dates or page numbers). they're a pain to format and borderline unnecessary but if you like to feel powerful by nitpicking punctuation they're a fun group of signs to know.

so yeah. thanks for sharing this week!

on the drabble, i'm glad you pointed out what was wrong with those sentences because they bugged me so much and i hated it. i couldn't figure out, in the moment, how to rearrange the sentences to make them sound decent, but now that i know the problem it should be so much easier, so thank you!

and thats an interesting point on the stanza, i'll have to try that. as for the em dashes thing, whichever one i meant to do there–while trying to separate things like this, to make the thoughts sort of disconnected in the way i would actually speak about things like that–i didn't know how to get lmao. i figured i'd just do that, and know what i myself meant. forgot to specify there though, which probably would have been helpful

@amber_is_in_a_loop

So I'm trying a character development thing where I write some sort of letter from one of my OCs to another. I low-key hate this but I can't figure out why, so I put both versions (sorry). If you're interested it's Lysia writing it. Have fun tearing it apart! I might do more in the future.

You left me alone, how could you possibly do that? You promised me that for as long as I was fighting myself you’d be there to counteract all this darkness I was born with. That was a promise that you had no right to break.
I can’t live without you, you know that, none of us can. Yanni and Kohmir are fighting, and winning, they're going to be okay.
Your brother isn’t. Diego, the brother who never killed a single human being in his entire career as a soldier, slit a woman's throat the other day without a second look. That’s what you’ve created. Wherever you are, I hope you saw that, and are hurting at least twice as much as me.
I don't know why you left, I don't know how you could have left. I can't live without you. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, you’re all I have. I’m nothing without that goddamn smile of yours. Yanni can’t braid my hair the way you did. I can’t feel the way I did without you near me.
Every breath I draw that I'm not sharing with you tears me to pieces. I need to see you again, up there. I need to do whatever it takes to see you again, and I will. I'll see you again.
I guess you know what I'm going to do. I’ve been fighting it my whole life, with you anchoring me. You’re gone now and I have no strength left of my own to fight it. I’m dying.
It won’t happen for a while. I’ll fall slowly, gradually. No one but Kohmir will realize for a long time. Diego will be too drunk on his grief to notice. Then Yanni might notice, but won’t know what to do. You're the only one who knows me, remember? No one will know how to help me.
Once everyone has realized they’re helpless, I’m going to leave them behind and come meet you.
I need you to be ready when that happens. Be there, ready to fight me. I won’t be the same. Be ready, and smile for me. I’m going to need to see that smile.
With all the love I have left, my goddess,
Lysia

I figure you can see me from where you are. I’m hoping you didn’t expect anything different.
You left. You left the people who can’t live without you. Wherever you are, I hope you’re hurting.
Diego is the kindest person around me. He has never killed a human being, which is a feat for a soldier. Yesterday, he slit a woman’s throat without flinching– that’s what you’ve done. As for me, I think you knew I can’t survive with the half-life you’ve left me with.
For as long as I’ve been fighting myself, you’ve been there. You’ve never not been my source of good. Well, the dark took over surprisingly fast after you left. Brave as I was with you, I’m helpless without you.
I’m about to die. I have no choice. I’m walking to my death, under the sky I think you’re controlling. Watch me, it’ll be fun.
What’s left of me after this is going to be intent on your death, I need you to be ready. I need you to slaughter whatever part of me you face. No one but you can handle what I’ll have become.
This is my goodbye.
To you, my goddess, with all the love I have left.

@croccin-champagne

okay so. i love the second one. like the second one is so bitter and accepting, lysia doesn't seem to care one bit that she's(it sounds like a feminine name? correct me if i'm wrong tho) going to die, but a part of her is still pissed at the other character for being gone. that last bit? the goodbye and the 'to you, my goddess, with all the love i have left'? iconic and so poetic but also really again that accepting and calm goodbye and it's GREAT

the first one, however, and i hate to say this, paints lysia as co-dependent instead of someone who lost someone they loved. it sounds like she's blaming the other character, for everything happening around her in a way that's more toxic than just a natural stage of grief. often times, when someone loses someone close to them, they might reach a point where they hate that person, for leaving behind them and the people they loved, and they'll blame other sorts of mishaps and issues on that person leaving/passing. in the first letter, however, it sounds like lysia was so dependent on the other character that she's gone beyond natural grief, if that makes sense. idk, maybe that's why you didn't like it?

also, one rec, try making it longer! if it feels like a lot is crammed into a couple paragraphs, then just try spreading it out more

otherwise i really do like it, and i think it's beautiful writing!

@amber_is_in_a_loop

@crocs-to-a-knife-fight tysm! that's actually pretty sound advice, I'm going to use all of that. As for the toxicity of the first letter, I think there is a dependency on the person she lost, but I see what you mean. I'll have to find an in-between I think, I'll come back with another version :)

@croccin-champagne

oh everyone depends on someone! that's perfectly normal and absolutely okay. i just think in the first bit of writing it somehow came off as codependent? in my defense i did just get out of a relationship with someone who was incredibly so, so i might be looking too deep into things

if you do, i'd gladly read it!

@saor_illust school

@izzy-the-vampire-ghost
I really appreciate the worldbuilding in this! the letters, the mirror facetime, the yelling out of the window - they're all quite subtle but they add a bit of flavour to the whole text.
I'm assuming since this is meant to be a backstory, it wasn't meant to be super drawn out and delicately paced and stuff? but I would definitely recommend splitting it into a few more paragraphs, just to slow the action down a little bit and improve readability and flow. other than that, I noticed a few things that could probably be reworded for a bit better flow (for example, the phrase "was kept at bay with her concern").
but otherwise, this was… fun is not the right word, because the content is pretty heavy, but it was an interesting and intriguing read!

ty!

@croccin-champagne

If I am the sun, then you are the moon.
Chase me across the sky,
Meet me at the horizon with a smile
I’ll see you again when I’m it.
We aren’t siblings by blood,
Instead best friends by choice and luck,
On opposite sides of the sky and still
So close in heart.

If I am fire, then you are the ocean.
Everlasting I think you may be one
Of the strongest things I know.
When nothing makes sense and my fire’s
On high you’re there.
Reckless flames put out, but still
I would burn buildings to the ground
Just to keep you warm.

You are steadfast in my storms,
And I hope to be in yours,
Arms open I’m waiting impatiently
To finally see your wind-made waves.
A year’s time flies by in a blink,
Seemed too good to be true and yet
Here you still are in my atmosphere.
I count my lucky stars,
All the twinkling lights in the sky,
That I get to be your best friend.

did i write a sappy and cheesy poem for circe to show my appreciation and gratitude for her being my best friend and sticking with me through every dumb decision and bad time? yes

did i also write a second poem the same day, based on the image prompt? also yes

no i do not know where the creativity and drive went, nor when they came back

Boy with the universe in your palm
Never forget how it feels to fall.
Carry yourself like a king but remember
Humility befalls you, willing or not.
Meet it head on with a cup of tea and stars,
Offer modesty a chance to adorn your crown.
Where you came from and who you are
Are not always the same thing
But do not let one outshine the other.
You still dream of home among the stars.

Boy who carries the sky,
Keep walking when your feet get heavy.
You are never alone, do not convince yourself otherwise,
Your burden is shared by those who wish
The best upon you that they can.
Do not mistake strength for weakness,
Gods have prophets and priestesses for a reason.
The sky is such a heavy thing,
Weighs like prayer on your shoulders
But still you carry it.
The god they chose doesn’t intend on quitting.

Oh, boy in the crown made of constellations,
Your world has never known kinder divinity.
It’s tiresome work and knows no forgiveness,
But you do.
Godling, don’t forget that people
Tend not to understand the holy.
The divine righteousness in your spine
Is strange to them, unknown to them,
Still they are not beyond learning.
Teach them how to carry the torch,
When you’ve rejoined the stars you long for.
Among a dark night sky you will watch over
All that you left behind.

@ElderGod-Icefire

This is from the POV of one of my characters again. I wrote it off the top of my head so the quality may be iffy

Teach me how to love
again. Hold me close and whisper
in my ears as I fall asleep, kiss me
breathless
and tell me I am loved. Make me
believe you, because I
cannot believe myself.

Teach me to be soft
again. Teach me how to cry
without feeling like i must hide. Bring
back the smile that I left behind. Help
me realize that love should not
hurt, that my father cannot reach me
here. I am not that boy anymore, but I
cannot escape from his grasp.

I have forgotten all of these
things, trapped inside of my
mind, crying and fearful and so very
alone. Teach me to be happy again, show
me that the noose is not tightening, my
life is not yet over. I feel that I
am falling, and that you are
my only lifeline in a cold and
cruel world.

I know you say that you love me, and I
cannot respond. I cannot process that
someone would love such a broken boy as I,
that someone would care about me when
I am so broken that I cannot love. I want
to love you, darling
I do. But I cannot seem
to find the light again. I cannot seem to loosen
the noose tightening around my
neck.

Teach me to live again, love, before
it is too late for me.

@ninja_violinist

so in a wildly unexpected development, I actually wrote something this week?? I was preparing the prompts for tomorrow and hey, apparently I'm still capable of inspiration??
(fair warning that this spawned right from the hellish pits of my mind. I have no idea where it came from, who these people are, or what happened to them.)

@ninja_violinist

alrighty, feedback time!

@Icefire
ach this is so melancholy? like it starts out very soft and then we take a deep dip into pain territory with a slight dash of hope. it's very well characterised, I find, and incorporates the backstory while leaving a bit of ambiguity as well. and you're probably tired of hearing this from me, but your use of enjambment is truly excellent
favourite line: Teach me to be soft/ again
one thing I might recommend is saving up your noose image? it's a very powerful and poignant one, and I wonder if using it twice in successive stanzas doesn't diminish the impact a little bit. maybe it'd be cool to find a different image for the third stanza so the noose comes in full force in the fourth? idk
either way, this was a very enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing!!

@amber_is_a_starchild
so I think I'm with crocs in that I prefer the second version of Lysia's letter, though for different reasons? I feel like the first one is very strong and bitter and dramatic and, like crocs said, almost unhealthy in the way it portrays their relationship. and I think the last thing could be a nice touch in the sense that it's almost evidence of the thing she's blaming the other character for? like she's kinda saying "you leaving means I have little left to combat my moral bankruptcy" and here she is, displaying a very unhealthy view of relationships which can be the beginning of worse moral bankruptcy? idk. it's an intriguing concept.
I end up preferring the second one because I feel like it has a much stronger structure. the first one meanders about quite a bit, whereas the second one has a very nice progression of "look at what you did I hope it hurts you" to "you were the north on my moral compass" to "I'm going to die now" with consistent undertones of "I know/hope you're watching and I'm angry".
but yeah. both of them were very fun to read! thanks for sharing!

@crocs-to-a-knife-fight
ok so the first one is too pure for this world. I'm a sucker for contrasting imagery so this whole sun/moon fire/ocean thing makes me extremely happy.
favourite line: meet me at the horizon with a smile / I'll see you again when I'm it
minor nitpick, but I wonder if "when my fire's on high" is the best way of expressing that thought? I know what you mean but it sounds a bit odd idk. same with "wind-made waves" - I know what you're trying to say and it's not wrong per se, but I wonder if it could be expressed more gracefully.

ok but the second one????? is so good????? it flows like the tears of Jesus???? I'm used to high quality from you but this blew me away???? like the message and the imagery and the wording and the structure and the flow is just. on point???? I keep bothering you about last lines and now you've gone and given me THREE FANTASTIC ONES in the same poem???? that have continuity and parallels and match with each other and with their respective first lines??? (pardon the abuse of the question mark but I just. I'm shook haha)
favourite line: literally all of them. so much. but especially "you still dream of home among the stars" and "Your world has never known kinder divinity". both of those sound like stuff you would see painted on a hipster van, or artfully arranged in a tumblr aesthetic post (I mean that in like the best way possible).
obviously this is top tier as is. don't change a single thing you don't want to. but if I squint and put on my pedant hat, I'd say you could look at the wording of "those who wish/ the best upon you that they can", if you wanted to.
also, is the ambiguity in "meet it head on with a cup of tea and stars" deliberate? like it could either be "a cup of tea and stars" or "a cup of tea and stars" if that makes sense, and I wonder if you mean for it to be one over the other?
this was a Whole Big Essay but boy oh boy I really loved this poem
thank you for blessing us

@ElderGod-Icefire

so in a wildly unexpected development, I actually wrote something this week?? I was preparing the prompts for tomorrow and hey, apparently I'm still capable of inspiration??
(fair warning that this spawned right from the hellish pits of my mind. I have no idea where it came from, who these people are, or what happened to them.)

SO i meant to read this last night and forgot, but I read it just now and it was really good?? It feels like a scene from an actual story and I want more?? I wanna know what happened and everything? I'm bad at critiques but this was really good

@ElderGod-Icefire

@Icefire
ach this is so melancholy? like it starts out very soft and then we take a deep dip into pain territory with a slight dash of hope. it's very well characterised, I find, and incorporates the backstory while leaving a bit of ambiguity as well. and you're probably tired of hearing this from me, but your use of enjambment is truly excellent
favourite line: Teach me to be soft/ again
one thing I might recommend is saving up your noose image? it's a very powerful and poignant one, and I wonder if using it twice in successive stanzas doesn't diminish the impact a little bit. maybe it'd be cool to find a different image for the third stanza so the noose comes in full force in the fourth? idk
either way, this was a very enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing!!

:D Thanks! The enjambment isn't really something I think about, it just happens? But thank you!
Yeah, reading through it again I probably should have saved that, but I'm kinda too lazy to rewrite. But thank you!