forum Virtual Creative Writing Club, anyone?
Started by @ninja_violinist
tune

people_alt 130 followers

@croccin-champagne

bear with me here. this one was written at like midnight on the notes app of my phone while i was only half conscious, and inspired by a line i saw somewhere. i think

the tense change when addressing the mortician is purposeful, it's a switch from talking about to talk to so that's. yeah. anyway here y'all go

also, ninja, a bouey is a thing i'm just not sure if that's how you spell it and im pretty sure it's not so

My body lays cold on the steel slab of a mortician's table,
The autopsy starts with a scalpel.
I can see him, carving open my flesh,
Mouth sewn shut by the ice in my veins
But I asked him to.
When I was younger I watched so many crime shows,
The scene imprinted in my mind
I wondered what it was like to be vulnerable.
Openness was not something I knew.

Snip snip and there it is,
The first layer of walls built up around me
The first and last always fall so much easier.
He tells me he loves me on my floor the first time,
Breathless and bright eyed,
Covers it up and plays it off like I cant see him panicking.
There he goes again,
And for a corpse, I sure do feel warm.

He tells me about his dream wedding,
Three in the morning after a talk of dying, of wanting to live.
Everything he says sounds like gospel,
Not the shing of knives and steel I know too well.
I keep the promise ring on a chain around my neck
Next to the other two most important items I own,
I tell him everything will be okay if we work.
Because this is the one thing I've never wanted to let die.

My heart in his gloved hands
I have to wonder if this was a bad idea.
I can feel it beating, detached and quick paced,
Feel myself floating and dropping like a bouey
Being pulled by the waves
He has me here.
He has a promise in one hand and a warning in the other
I am not ready to lose him,
Not yet, not ever.

But as he closes back up the shell of me,
He slips my eyes closed with a gentle finger.
I have not yet
Reached the end of my autopsy
But I can see it.
He will leave the way everyone does,
His secrets kept in the pocket next to my heart
And I'm wondering how much work the next one
Will put in.
Because once the walls are down,
A bare heart is just a bare heart.
And there's no more intrigue
After it's all spread out on the table.

Promise you'll sit me back up before you go,
Leave me with the scalpel for the next one.
Because a corpse who falls in love with morticians
Needs all the help they can get.

@ninja_violinist

hey, sorry about the delay! I just started a new job and am still adjusting to being a member of the working force once more. I'll try to get more consistent about this again in the future!
in the mean time, please have a Whole Bunch of Words:

@crocs-to-a-knife-fight
first one: I really, really love this!! even though, like you said, there's quite a variety of themes and implications, I feel like the consistently strong imagery throughout all of them really ties it together. like I generally don't feel that one of the bits is significantly less vivid than the others, so they still kinda have the same vibe even if they're thematically different.
(also I learned the word "elogy" today so that's cool!! I was this close to suggesting that you misspelled elegy but here we are.)
favourite line: (really struggled to pick just one here) Your skeletons are warning you that the past will repeat itself/ But you don't speak their bone-dry whispers.
you mentioned that this was mainly therapeutic so I'm not sure how interested you are in like massive structural feedback (not that I can think of any, really, so that's helpful). but I think if you wanted, I'd recommend looking over the wording of "everything in my way labelled chasing", and possibly the first and second lines? I love both of em, I'm just not sure about the connection between a symphony and a tombstone that would justify them being in the same sentence, if that makes sense.

second one: wow okay first of all how dare you put this into such precise and beautiful words?? this entire metaphor and the related images are just. very vivid, very well-selected, absolutely uncomfortable to read about because I relate on many levels.
favourite line: all of them??? but also "Promise me you'll sit me back up before you go,/ Leave me with a scalpel for the next one"
and I love how at this point you can predict me not knowing specific English words haha. it turns out that it's spelled "buoy" and so for a refreshing change of pace it's a word I knew, but had been pronouncing very wrong indeed. I found it by Googling "ocean flotation device booey" which is kinda pathetic but at least it's better than calling it a "floating sea ball" which was the top search question.
aaanyway.
I can't think of much in the way of critique? I'm still kind of blindsided by how close to home this hit tbh. though I guess there is the ancient ninja classic of "are you sure about the punctuation", in which case I'd say that maybe the first line deserves a semicolon or a period instead of a comma? idk.
either way, thank you so much for sharing!

@strangebird
(happy belated birthday!!)
I'm really living for the descriptions here! Especially the zooming-in camera kinda feel of the first few lines. you've built up the details quite beautifully and brought out exactly the right things to focus on for me to catch the eerie, bizarre, angry kinda vibe.
If anything, I'd just recommend looking out for sentence structure throughout the whole thing. It's generally very well done, there are just a few instances where the sentences feel a bit roundabout. I think I've mentioned this before, but I'd kind of look at the order the information is being presented in, and make sure that it's the most logical flow and that it's all consistent enough to be put into the same sentence, if that makes sense. So for example, there's this sentence:

But tonight wasn’t a night for recounting mundane happenings during their day—no, tonight the air hung differently around them as they sat down on the cool concrete, a circle forming without any words being exchanged.

which is totally fine as is! but the last clause ("a circle forming without any words being exchanged") could sound a bit awkward with the "ing" constructions. so it might make sense to disperse the information that we're given there (they sit in a circle, just like that without having to talk about it) throughout the rest of the sentence and cutting it entirely.
so for example:

But tonight wasn't a night to recount the mundane happenings of their day - no, tonight the air hung differently around them as they sat and formed a silent circle on the cool concrete.

I mean that's pretty bad but I think you know what I mean?
but yeah.
(also, random side note but I puzzled a bit over "tiny, smuggling queen" because I feel like the comma after tiny is unnecessary? idk though. comma placement freaks me out on the best of days.)
either way, thank you so much for sharing!!

@Icefire
bruh is exactly right. this is incredibly intense and raw (thanks so much for putting up spoiler tags and trigger warnings!), thanks in part to the very well-set up structure. I think I've rambled on to you about enjambment and caesura before? It's basically about where you choose to break off lines in relation to the punctuation and the sentence's natural breaks. and you do this really, really well, because it draws just the right kinds of emphasis. the repeated final short sentences of "It was a curse" / "I never deserved it" / "I should have" etc also add consistent gut punches throughout.
I thought while reading that this is very, very direct and matter-of-fact, and I was about to suggest more subtlety, but honestly I think it actually adds to it? Especially because you've written it in character, and the delivery adds a lot of characterisation that I think more flowery language would probably hinder rather than help.
so yeah. Idk that there's much to say in ways of critique, since that was about the only thing I could think of. thank you for sharing!!

@ninja_violinist

aaand prompts

image: "31 May 2018" by loika

music: "Light of the Seven" by Ramin Djawadi

word: from "NON-commitment" by Chinua Achebe (please do go read the whole thing!! it's not that long and it's really hard to tear any of this out of context)

I’m
told the owl too wears wisdom
in a ring of defense round
each vulnerable eye securing it fast
against the darts of sight.

@ElderGod-Icefire

@Icefire
bruh is exactly right. this is incredibly intense and raw (thanks so much for putting up spoiler tags and trigger warnings!), thanks in part to the very well-set up structure. I think I've rambled on to you about enjambment and caesura before? It's basically about where you choose to break off lines in relation to the punctuation and the sentence's natural breaks. and you do this really, really well, because it draws just the right kinds of emphasis. the repeated final short sentences of "It was a curse" / "I never deserved it" / "I should have" etc also add consistent gut punches throughout.
I thought while reading that this is very, very direct and matter-of-fact, and I was about to suggest more subtlety, but honestly I think it actually adds to it? Especially because you've written it in character, and the delivery adds a lot of characterisation that I think more flowery language would probably hinder rather than help.
so yeah. Idk that there's much to say in ways of critique, since that was about the only thing I could think of. thank you for sharing!!

:D thank you so much, Ninja! I think at this point the enjambment is just part of my poetry style; i just kinda put breaks where it feels right lmao. But yeah, thank you!!

@ElderGod-kirky group

@strangebird
(happy belated birthday!!)
I'm really living for the descriptions here! Especially the zooming-in camera kinda feel of the first few lines. you've built up the details quite beautifully and brought out exactly the right things to focus on for me to catch the eerie, bizarre, angry kinda vibe.
If anything, I'd just recommend looking out for sentence structure throughout the whole thing. It's generally very well done, there are just a few instances where the sentences feel a bit roundabout. I think I've mentioned this before, but I'd kind of look at the order the information is being presented in, and make sure that it's the most logical flow and that it's all consistent enough to be put into the same sentence, if that makes sense. So for example, there's this sentence:

But tonight wasn’t a night for recounting mundane happenings during their day—no, tonight the air hung differently around them as they sat down on the cool concrete, a circle forming without any words being exchanged.

which is totally fine as is! but the last clause ("a circle forming without any words being exchanged") could sound a bit awkward with the "ing" constructions. so it might make sense to disperse the information that we're given there (they sit in a circle, just like that without having to talk about it) throughout the rest of the sentence and cutting it entirely.
so for example:

But tonight wasn't a night to recount the mundane happenings of their day - no, tonight the air hung differently around them as they sat and formed a silent circle on the cool concrete.

I mean that's pretty bad but I think you know what I mean?
but yeah.
(also, random side note but I puzzled a bit over "tiny, smuggling queen" because I feel like the comma after tiny is unnecessary? idk though. comma placement freaks me out on the best of days.)
either way, thank you so much for sharing!!

Ah, yeah, I see what you mean about that! I'll keep an eye out for more.
(the comma is probably unnecessary, but as it was late and I had puzzled over it for a while already, I had decided to leave it as it was so I could get some sleep)

Thank you for the feedback! (and the birthday wish!!)

@croccin-champagne

@crocs-to-a-knife-fight
first one: I really, really love this!! even though, like you said, there's quite a variety of themes and implications, I feel like the consistently strong imagery throughout all of them really ties it together. like I generally don't feel that one of the bits is significantly less vivid than the others, so they still kinda have the same vibe even if they're thematically different.
(also I learned the word "elogy" today so that's cool!! I was this close to suggesting that you misspelled elegy but here we are.)
favourite line: (really struggled to pick just one here) Your skeletons are warning you that the past will repeat itself/ But you don't speak their bone-dry whispers.
you mentioned that this was mainly therapeutic so I'm not sure how interested you are in like massive structural feedback (not that I can think of any, really, so that's helpful). but I think if you wanted, I'd recommend looking over the wording of "everything in my way labelled chasing", and possibly the first and second lines? I love both of em, I'm just not sure about the connection between a symphony and a tombstone that would justify them being in the same sentence, if that makes sense.

second one: wow okay first of all how dare you put this into such precise and beautiful words?? this entire metaphor and the related images are just. very vivid, very well-selected, absolutely uncomfortable to read about because I relate on many levels.
favourite line: all of them??? but also "Promise me you'll sit me back up before you go,/ Leave me with a scalpel for the next one"
and I love how at this point you can predict me not knowing specific English words haha. it turns out that it's spelled "buoy" and so for a refreshing change of pace it's a word I knew, but had been pronouncing very wrong indeed. I found it by Googling "ocean flotation device booey" which is kinda pathetic but at least it's better than calling it a "floating sea ball" which was the top search question.
aaanyway.
I can't think of much in the way of critique? I'm still kind of blindsided by how close to home this hit tbh. though I guess there is the ancient ninja classic of "are you sure about the punctuation", in which case I'd say that maybe the first line deserves a semicolon or a period instead of a comma? idk.
either way, thank you so much for sharing!

those are all bits, there in the first one, that had me kind of uneasy. there was a Point i was trying to making with the 'labelled chasing' and i don't think i quite reached it, not without the reader taking a second there. and i'll definitely go over the first and second line, yeah!

ah, punctuation. a poet's worst enemy. continuously, as i was writing then editing then posting something still bugged me and i. guess it was just that i suck at remembering how punctuation works lmao. also i mean, to be fair with the pronunciation of bouy, i heard caillou pronounce it 'boy' when my sister was on her kick with that show, so

@saor_illust school

lkj;sdfkljdfklj yall ever get the urge to write but you really only have like a semi-formed idea and it's only a plot fragment so you can't really start writing? jklsdfljkfkdsljlkj brain why u fail meeeeee jklsdfkljdkljdsklfjsd

@croccin-champagne

this is. by no means whatsoever meant to be good. please remember that. but i had an Idea and i wrote it and now i'm wondering what it would be like if someone else with actual talent wrote this. also ninja. consider this as a prompt

I am stitched up the same way a patchwork quilt is,
Oddly fitting for someone like me.
My grandmother is a quilter and I am too
But we do not use the same kinds of fabric.
I stitch myself up out of pieces of things,
Memories and traits of the people I’ve loved.
I still talk like my middle school best friend,
Laugh like mother when I feel exhausted.
I carry my mother’s weariness somewhere on my shoulders,
Weirdly fitting, as my mother has always held up the sky.

My favorite foods come from characters
Fictional people with no knowledge of the little kid
Who read them into existence and let them save the day.
My voice is that of an artist I heard once,
Years ago on the radio and still cannot find.
My anger comes from my father, bastard that he is
And sometimes it’s hard to remember that
The people we hate the most give us
The biggest pieces of ourselves.
My scars are a gift from myself.
Countless falls and bad nights
Those are the threads that hold my pieces together.

I used to call it being a sponge,
Taking pieces of everything that ever caught my eye
And calling it my own.
But sponges don’t sew.
And technically, neither do I,
Seeing as the last time I tried I stabbed my finger
43 times before getting kicked from the classroom.
My sailor’s mouth comes from my parents.
I took yellow from the first boy I’ve ever loved,
And the color really does look like sunshine
Maybe I’ll give it to someone else some day,
That little pocketful of sun we all need.

I’ve been stitched out of fabrics and memories,
Traits and colors and flower petals.
Do other people look the same
When you get close enough to see it?
Tell me, what pieces of love make you
Who you are.

@ninja_violinist

hey, welcome aboard, @ejeriksen! feel free to stick around, read and feedback on other people's writing, and/or share your own stuff - prompts and feedback from me usually come out on Saturdays when I get my act together, which is rare at this point

@croccin-champagne

thanks ice!

ejeriksen, i'm pretty sure this is open to anyone who wants to join. ninja, our overseer, would be the one to officially decide that, but until then, feel free to write, of course!

@saor_illust school

guess who recently dug up some old (and very bad) writing? meeee (actually only the first one is old, the other two are pretty recent imo)
one of them is an attempt at romance, so i thought i'd share them anyways, just to get some feedback on how to actually write romance instead of trying and sucking at it
also, tw for the third one, mentions of suicide.
anywho, here goes-
~
Hard at work at math, I glanced up for a split second, only to see Max staring at me intently. Looking at him, I asked, "What?" He blinked, and recomposed himself. Max leaned in, his hot breath tickling my cheek. "Just stay still, alright?" he whispered into my ear. My pulse accelerated, not knowing what he would do next. In the next moment, he had my face cupped into his hands, and kissed me. A split second later, he pulled away. "I like you… a lot Rose. Do you feel the same way?" My face was full of confusion.

"Do you really like me?" I questioned, unbelieving that he could really like me. Max blinked, not expecting that. "Of course I like you Rose," he said with exasperation, running his fingers through his unruly hair. "I love you Rose, but the question is do you love me back?"

"Yes," I breathed after a moment's hesitation.

In the car, on the way to school, I dropped my big brother off at school. Before he left, I kissed him on the lips. Fast as a mouse, I pulled away. Glaring at me, he slammed the car door shut as he left. "Love you Finn!" I called out, very much aware that all the high school were staring at me. Climbing across the car, Daniel jumped in the seat that Finn had occupied only three seconds ago. When we arrived at school, I gave him the same ordeal, though before I could pull away he pushed me away instead. "Gross, Rose! Why do you have to do that everyday?" he complained. I didn't say anything, just sat there and smirked. I got out of the car, and spied my posse across the courtyard. Smiling, I waved to them and walked over in my 3-inch high stilettos.

"Come on girls," I told them, walking into the school, not even looking back. Without a doubt, I knew they'd be hot on my heels if I did. My heels clacking as I strode into the girls bathroom, I checked my face in the bathroom mirror. I pulled out a tube of lipstick, applying yet another layer of lipstick, carefully checking my face in the mirror. A moment later, I could feel Eloise's eyes boring into me. Looking up, "Wha- Where's your makeup?" I questioned. My girls needed to wear makeup, or they were going to be dropped, and not kindly either.

"I- I…" Eloise faltered. "My mom confiscated my makeup…" she said, her cheeks flaming up in embarrassment.

"No, my girls will be wearing makeup in public. You mean you wore this to school?" I asked, horrified. I pulled out a complete makeup set and started work on Eloise. However, gently, she put her hands on mine.

"My mom will kill me if I come home with makeup on, Rose. Come on!" she protested, gently guiding my hands away.

I rolled my eyes. "Just rinse it off before you go home. It's simple Eloise. Or do you want to go back to being Loser Eloise?" I threatened. Behind me, I could hear Meredith stifling a laugh. I whirled around. "Stuff it, Meredith!" With that, Meredith went as still as a statue, and I could feel her gaze on my back. If looks could kill…

Eloise looked at me, unsure of what decision to make. In the end, she sighed and put her hands down in defeat. "Thank you," I told her. I applied a bright green lipstick, and some blush to her cheeks. "That'll have to do for now. But you're going to need some eyeshadow. Pick one," I demanded, giving her a choice of a sparkly rose gold or a plain blue. She picked the blue cautiously, warning, "We're going to be late for class…"

"Then we'll have to be late in style," I said confidently.

In the hallways, I spied Daniel, my little brother. "Skipping class again?" I asked, smirking. Walking over with confidence, I pecked him on the cheek affectionately. "Love ya, little bro," I whispered, very much aware that his girlfriend Maxine was staring at me with jealousy. As I left to rejoin my group, I distinctly heard the whispers of Maxine. "Who was that?" she asked. "Oh, just, um, my little sister," he mumbled back, cheeks flaming in embarrassment.

My posse followed me as I strode into our history class. "Miss… Adams? You're late again. And, it's Miss Soran and Lance I see. Why are you late?" Mrs. Labiak asked.

Tossing back my hair, I answered, cutting off Meredith's and Eloise's attempt at what I knew would be a poor excuse, "We had… girl problems." That drew a laughter from the class. Settling down in our usual seats, we looked up at Mrs. Labiak innocently. She sighed.

"Fine. But isn't that what you said last week?" she interrogated me, hands on my desk. I glanced up, as if I hadn't known she was there. But we all knew I did. "Oh, are you talking to me?" I batted my eyelashes. Mrs. Labiak closed her eyes for a second. "Yes, Miss Adams. Talk. Now."

"Well, last week it was Meredith, this week it was Eloise," I announced, knowing that Meredith's and Eloise's face probably looked like tomatoes around… now.
~
(here's another one, not romance, but it's a bit darker)
"No," she managed to get out. It couldn't be real. It was all just a bad dream, she told herself. Just a nightmare. Maybe if she pinched herself, she'd wake up and realise that it was just a nightmare. "It can't be real, it can't be real," she repeated to herself under her breath. She just knew. It couldn't be real, it just couldn't.

"I'm very sorry for your loss," the kind lady told her.

"I-" she didn't know what to say. She knew the police lady meant well, but- it couldn't be real. She shook her head, trying to wake herself up. "It has to be a dream, a really bad dream…" She could feel herself drifting away from her body. Was this what they called disocciation? Her mind quickly flicked back to her friends on Notebook. Ella, Mir. She had to tell them, so if she disappeared, if she really did it- they'd know. No. She'd made a promise. They didn't need to know, after all she needed to uphold her part of the promise.

The lady bent down to her level, setting both hands on her two shoulders. "I'm sorry, but this isn't a dream. This is real life. This is your new reality now. I know this must be hard to process and take in, but if you could please follow me, that would be great." She stood up, starting to walk away. Stopping briefly, she looked over her shoulder at the still, unmoving figure. "Oh, and the more you cooperate with us, the better," she added in a cold voice.
~
{note: all events listed in here are fictional}

march 5, 2019
i cant do this i cant do this i cant do this
i cant i cant i cant

march 6th 2019
ahahahahhahaha
people want to help, do they now-
hahahahahah they will never understand my pain
theyve never been through it
no one can understand
they never will

march 7th 2019
pfffffffft
so what if you think youve been through a "similar situation"
its not the same
it never will be

march 8th 2019
just go away
you cant help
just accept it already
no one can help
and-
scoff
of course you think you "want to be my friend"
but do you know the real me
no, no you dont
stop trying to help already
you know it wont work
no
just
just stop
please
im tired of this
im tired of trying
just stop already

march 9th 2019
im sorry
but you just cant help
like i said
im tired of life
im tired of trying
im tired of fighting
ahahahahhaahha
you think im just "letting" depression win
no not at all
what im doing
is im letting me win
its a win win for everyone
no one will miss me
and ill go silently and quietly

march 10th
i cant do this

march 11th
stop

march 12th
please just
just let me go already
you know you wont miss me
so stop pretending
i beg you
let me end this pain

march 13th
stop
i cant take this anymore
leave me alone!
i
i
i dont know what else to do
im sorry
but i need to end this pain

march 14th
ahahahahahhahahahah everything hurts
but im writing through the pain to make it hurt more
i dont care how you feel
i know how you feel
indifferent
you could care less
maybe sorry that it didnt work
i am too
i wish it had worked
the second i get out of here
im going to try again

march 15th
so ive got to push everything away huh
ive got to pretend
perfect, im really good at pretending
watch
see, im all good
im fine
everythings great, actually
you know, ive lied about everything
and im sorry about that
but i needed to see how you would react
i hope youll forgive me

…you do?
im glad
ahahahhaha i got you
nothing is real

march 16th
so if everything goes according to plan
i should be able to get out of here soon
i should be able to try again soon
i bet you want me gone as soon as possible dont you
dont worry, im trying
im trying as hard as i can to go

march 17th
you dont know how hard im trying do you
just
just stop already
im doing the best i can
they just wont let me go
not until they're sure that im
"not depressed"
my actings not good enough
they still arent completely sure
im done with this
im done with life
i wish they would just let me out again

march 18th
its only been four days but im so sick and tired of this
i need to get out of here
im certain theyll do more harm to me here than i can ever do to myself

march 19th
…

march 20th
six days now
when will this end
ugh i gotta have some sort of
"therapy"
i dont need this

march 21st
stupid therapist
trying to crossexamine my mind
stop trying to know all my inner thoughts and feelings lady
youre a complete stranger
why would i trust you

march 22nd
ugh
im still here
why am i still here
its been just over a week
i hopefully will be able to get out of here soon

march 23rd
well thats great
i asked a doctor how long until im out of here
and he said that its all up to mom
stupid mom
so shes the one keeping me here, huh
apparently they could only keep me for 72 hours
and then after that it was up to the mom
because im
a "minor"
ugh

march 24th
so
after convincing my mom that i dont need therapy
and that im fine
im finally on my way out of the hospital
im freeeee
free as a bird
…
nope, it means im finally gonna be able to do it
girls guys and nonbinary pals, im gonna do it
if all goes well, there shouldnt be any more entries in this stupid notebook

march 25th
ugh, just as i was about to take the pills
because im a coward, and cant take much pain
stupid me
the mom creature came in
so i had to quickly hide the pills
more pretending
but its okay
im good at pretending
after all, isnt that what ive done basically my entire life?

Deleted user

((does that mean you liked it lmao?))

(FUCK YEAH)