forum Virtual Creative Writing Club, anyone?
Started by @ninja_violinist
tune

people_alt 130 followers

@ElderGod-Icefire

So uh. I created a character who's basically a retelling of Enjolras from Les Mis (except he survived being shot after the barricade), and this is about him. I wrote this all at once so it's probably not very good, but uh


A boy who kisses other boys is already doomed, every
kiss a revolution, every touch a battle fought in
the war of life. A boy who only smiles
when he is being charming, who is
capable of being terrible.

A boy who shouts and swears and fights is
asking for a revolution. A red flag draped in his
hand and a summons in his voice, a call
to action. The people say that he
has no mistress; his wife is la patria.
He lets them believe so, for if they knew
that he looked at his friend with more
than friendship, they would no longer follow him.

And thus he leads them into a war,
but not a war. Barricades taking shape in
the streets, citizens handing out guns and bullets,
shouting. The boy has done this, has
caused this. Has become the voice
for the voiceless. He hopes that
when this is over, the new world they create
will welcome men and women who love
like he does.

During the night, the people
run away. Fear has taken root in his revolution,
and he is watching it crumble as man after man,
friend after friend, is shot, killed. Gone.
He is the last of a dying breed, now,
cornered in the second story of a little cafe, where
he and his friends dreamed up this rebellion. The
boy he loves is the last to fall, and then he knows nothing.

When he awakes he learns that he is
the last. That his revolution crumbled to
ashes and dust, his friends crumbling with it. The only
remnants are himself and a tattered red flag,
redder from the blood that soaked it. The
little cafe is abandoned, empty chairs with empty
tables, where his friends will meet no more. Only
one survived other than he, and he
cannot meet the other's eyes. This is his
fault. He led them to this. And he looks at the stars and
knows that he, the dreamer with his head
in the clouds, is now the only left with
his feet on the ground.

@ninja_violinist

sorry this is late! in my defense, time isn't real

@Icefire
I really love this! it's a very straightforward narration, but rather than the action the focus seems to be on the emotion behind them, which is a really interesting stylistic combination! and though it's straightforward, it has a few really clever lines and techniques (will I bring up enjambment and caesura literally every time you share poetry? I try not to, but you do it so well and here we are) that stops it from being too simplistic.
favourite lines: "the dreamer with his head/ in the clouds, is now the only left with/ his feet on the ground"
one small wording thing - when you say "A boy who only smiles when he is being charming, who is capable of being terrible", I wonder a) if "when he is being charming" is a bit clunky? and b) why these two aspects are connected enough to be part of the same sentence?
but that's honestly minor. so. yeah. really enjoyed this, thank you so much for sharing!

@cue-nervous-humming
well you've already heard my thoughts on this but I'm gonna take the opportunity to keep screaming:
structure? excellent. connected enough by "I respect the hell out of you", "what is brotherhood" and "for his sake" not to be disjointed, but jerky enough to mirror the deep discomfort of the content.
phrasing and word choice? impeccable. some really unusual and vivid images and phrases, like "cornerstone unprompted".
favourite line? so many of them. but especially "If yours is a face without a mask, then men are justified in wearing one/ But not excused".
two small things: I think it's spelled "disillusionment" (dis, not des), in stanza two. and in the second to last stanza, I wonder if "thing" is a helpful word choice? like I see the repetition of "most painful thing" and "hardest thing" but generally it's such a vague word (kind of like stuff) that can feel slightly off? idk, it's really not a big deal at all, but I wonder if rewording to avoid "thing" would make the flow a bit smoother there.
again, this is truly excellent. thank you so much for sharing!!

@ElderGod-Icefire

@Icefire
I really love this! it's a very straightforward narration, but rather than the action the focus seems to be on the emotion behind them, which is a really interesting stylistic combination! and though it's straightforward, it has a few really clever lines and techniques (will I bring up enjambment and caesura literally every time you share poetry? I try not to, but you do it so well and here we are) that stops it from being too simplistic.

:D thank you!!

favourite lines: "the dreamer with his head/ in the clouds, is now the only left with/ his feet on the ground"

Yeah i love that one too!

one small wording thing - when you say "A boy who only smiles when he is being charming, who is capable of being terrible", I wonder a) if "when he is being charming" is a bit clunky? and b) why these two aspects are connected enough to be part of the same sentence?

Ah okay so: Marcelin is a retelling of Enjolras from Les Mis? I think I said that already but idk, but the line "A charming young man, but capable of being terrible" is from the book, which is why I wanted to include it

but that's honestly minor. so. yeah. really enjoyed this, thank you so much for sharing!

Yeah thank you!

@saor_illust school

hi i did a thing and now i'll go disappear for a long time
based off of the following image, but the entire image and writing will be spoilered for tw (blood and gun)

@ninja_violinist

ah hey izzy! hope you're doing alright!!
I've gotta say, the writing was incredibly vivid and dark this week - much like the image, so the tone matches very well. You've really set the scene up beautifully, with the very specific descriptions (like of eyes, colours, just individual details) that I find tend to be emblematic of good horror writing. and I know I've been nitpicky about this before, so I'm just going to say that the layout is really neat here! Dialogue punctuation, paragraphing, etc is all top tier this time. I don't think I caught a single typo.
my heart hurts a bit now, since the entire thing is rather bleak and surreal and terrifying with no happy resolution, but I'm assuming that was intentional? so well done on that!
One thing I noticed is that there's quite the long, convoluted sentence early in the first paragraph that took me a few reads to sort through. so I'd maybe recommend unraveling that one a bit? Generally I notice that you use several long sentences (later, there are two paragraphs that are just made up of one sentence). which aren't inherently wrong at all! They just tend to need extra attention to make sure we don't lose track of what's happening along the way.
but yeah. thanks so much for sharing!! I'm not quite sure if and when you'll see this, since you mentioned you might be disappearing again, but this was a lovely read and I'm glad to see you're still writing!

@ninja_violinist

prompts:

music: "Boreas" by The Oh Hellos [this album came out yesterday and it lives rent-free in my head now. cannot recommend this enough. like even if you don't like how it sounds, go read all of the lyrics as a word prompt lmao]


image: "Waters of Creation" by Philip Byers


word: from "Row" by Michael Lee (this is a link to the live performance which I do recommend watching? but with a hearty content warning for drugs and addiction)

I laugh and wake up laughing
and I want. I simply want and what dear god
is on the other side of want? I want that too.
My want is so wide I cannot cross it.

@ninja_violinist

i keep wanting to write but like. there's nothing going on for me to write about, and i can't come up with anything despite the prompts

^^^^

maybe it's time for a writing exercise then? something entirely technical that never has to see the light of day if you don't care for it?
but yeah same

@ElderGod-kirky group

i keep wanting to write but like. there's nothing going on for me to write about, and i can't come up with anything despite the prompts

^^^^

maybe it's time for a writing exercise then? something entirely technical that never has to see the light of day if you don't care for it?
but yeah same

i'm just burnt out and struggle with Words

@ninja_violinist

(Ok I know I’m not apart of this but I heard Boreas and came as fast as I could-)

boREAS IS EVERYTHING OK
I cannot believe something this good came out of 2020

@croccin-champagne

ah ha! writing!!! for once!! shout out to the lovely zesty eggmcmuffin(circe) for her boy asher, featured here. felt like writing a short scene touching on backstories, and babe's nonchalant and scatterbrained attitude felt kinda perfect for keeping it away from overwhelmingly sad

@ElderGod-kirky group

*enters with a flourish*
i am back! with words! crocs inspired me to do a similar scene between our two lovebirds, so this is what we have from me lmao. sorry if its low-quality, i'm still getting back into the swing of things.