(Also I haven't said this in a while and it seems like we've gotten a few new people following recently, so just in general: if anyone has questions, prompt suggestions, feels like hosting a week, or feels uncomfortable asking for feedback in the big group, y'all can always send me a pm!)
Thank you kindly!
once again, getting this done on Saturday is but a distant pipe dream huh
ah well
anyway
I'm really struggling to express coherent thoughts today, so I hope these make any kind of sense haha
@Yamatsu
so first off, that description was the perfect mix of informative and engaging! as a certified Dense Reader myself, I very easily get lost in description if it's too technical or too long or too abstract. so this, plus the very helpful pictures and sprinklings of backstory, was exactly right for me.
as for the second bit, I really love the characterisation and the atmosphere you build up here! introspection and action can be difficult to write and stay on track with, but I think you manage that really well!
one thing I noticed, which is probably just bc it's a relatively short and inconsequential (?) piece is that you sometimes tell characterisation at points when it might be helpful to leave it at an implication? when you tell us that the day is "lovely", or that Jericho is "surprised", "sad", or "delighted", it's often already followed or preceded by a short description of what that looks like or means - for example, you say that he frowns and then you tell us he's sad, or you say that he's delighted, then you explain that that's because Freya would be so proud of him. And I think, in some cases, it's fine to just leave it at the explanation and let the reader come to the conclusion of sad, surprised, delightful, or lovely? it's obviously a balance, and there are definitely times where I recommend spelling stuff out, but in this case I think it can come across as repeating information we already know. if that makes sense?
once again, this is one of those writing balancing acts that's very subjective, so it's up to you if and how you implement this.
either way, these were really fun to read! thanks so much for sharing!
@crocs-to-a-knife-fight
so. when the title said "Lorelei gets an extra dimple" I was not prepared for the level of euphemism that was haha. as ever, thanks for adding trigger warnings!
in general, I really liked the pacing here! it's obviously a pretty tough action sequence, so you've pretty much nailed the balance of keeping up the tension while also adding in context, description, and inklings of backstory. one crucial element of action, I find, is keeping the reader updated on where the characters are in relation to each other and their environment, which you've managed very gracefully here.
I did notice a few unclear or ambiguous moments? for example, in the third paragraph, the wording implies that the hooded figure is thanking the stars for Lorelei's speed. and maybe this is just my dumb ass but when I read "Too bad she couldn't use the bat" my first thought was "is she allergic or something" because it took me a bit to realise that she'd already picked it up and was bad at using it, rather than seeing it and deciding "oh well, too bad I can't use that" and moving on. (dunno if that made sense but I think it boils down to "if your readers are as dense as me, it might help to specify that she did, in fact, pick the bat up".)
and I'm debating whether or not to mention this, because it definitely works as is, but I noticed you used words like "move" and "miss" quite a few times? I've always learned that action scenes benefit from specificity. but I see the appeal of these more vague terms in the sense that it's all moving so quickly that we don't have time to categorise what kind of action is happening? basically I think they can work like the writing equivalent of a motion blur, which is excellent, but even more so when balanced with more specific images.
another moment that felt a bit odd to me was in Lysander's point of view. when she comes out, and he's shocked, but the reader only finds out the cause for his shock (her appearance) after he's already in motion and she's already talking and stuff. idk, it's not a huge deal but it does feel a bit out of sequence, if that makes sense?
but these are really pretty minor nitpicks. overall, I really loved reading this!! thank you for sharing!
prompt time!!
since I'm once again drowning in fandom feels, music prompt is "Until the End" by Casey Lee Williams
image prompt: "Sky Travel" by Bianca Morelos
word prompt: from "How It Is" by Maxine Kumin
Shall I say how it is in your clothes?
A month after your death I wear your blue jacket.
The dog at the center of my life recognizes
you’ve come to visit, he’s ecstatic.
once again, getting this done on Saturday is but a distant pipe dream huh
ah well
anyway
I'm really struggling to express coherent thoughts today, so I hope these make any kind of sense haha
@crocs-to-a-knife-fight
so. when the title said "Lorelei gets an extra dimple" I was not prepared for the level of euphemism that was haha. as ever, thanks for adding trigger warnings!
in general, I really liked the pacing here! it's obviously a pretty tough action sequence, so you've pretty much nailed the balance of keeping up the tension while also adding in context, description, and inklings of backstory. one crucial element of action, I find, is keeping the reader updated on where the characters are in relation to each other and their environment, which you've managed very gracefully here.
I did notice a few unclear or ambiguous moments? for example, in the third paragraph, the wording implies that the hooded figure is thanking the stars for Lorelei's speed. and maybe this is just my dumb ass but when I read "Too bad she couldn't use the bat" my first thought was "is she allergic or something" because it took me a bit to realise that she'd already picked it up and was bad at using it, rather than seeing it and deciding "oh well, too bad I can't use that" and moving on. (dunno if that made sense but I think it boils down to "if your readers are as dense as me, it might help to specify that she did, in fact, pick the bat up".)
and I'm debating whether or not to mention this, because it definitely works as is, but I noticed you used words like "move" and "miss" quite a few times? I've always learned that action scenes benefit from specificity. but I see the appeal of these more vague terms in the sense that it's all moving so quickly that we don't have time to categorise what kind of action is happening? basically I think they can work like the writing equivalent of a motion blur, which is excellent, but even more so when balanced with more specific images.
another moment that felt a bit odd to me was in Lysander's point of view. when she comes out, and he's shocked, but the reader only finds out the cause for his shock (her appearance) after he's already in motion and she's already talking and stuff. idk, it's not a huge deal but it does feel a bit out of sequence, if that makes sense?
but these are really pretty minor nitpicks. overall, I really loved reading this!! thank you for sharing!
ah, ambiguity, my mortal enemy lmao. thanks for the critiques, i'll get set on fixing anything i can!
Soo. Your fandom feels triggered my fandom feels. This is loosely based on some of the lyrics in the song:
harness darkness
How can I give more
When pain is timeless:
Grief strapped like a weapon to my back,
Shame a spear, only useful from a distance.
My finest hour; only potential shrouded in darkness.
How can I try so hard
When there is no reclaiming,
Pride all I have to offer in the face of fear,
Enemy words proved true ring like surrender in my ear.
My finest hour; spent on the cusp of failure.
And all I can promise is to be here.
All I can ask is that you stay.
And if to win I must harnesss darkness
I won't let morals get in the way.
@Yamatsu
so first off, that description was the perfect mix of informative and engaging! as a certified Dense Reader myself, I very easily get lost in description if it's too technical or too long or too abstract. so this, plus the very helpful pictures and sprinklings of backstory, was exactly right for me.
as for the second bit, I really love the characterisation and the atmosphere you build up here! introspection and action can be difficult to write and stay on track with, but I think you manage that really well!
one thing I noticed, which is probably just bc it's a relatively short and inconsequential (?) piece is that you sometimes tell characterisation at points when it might be helpful to leave it at an implication? when you tell us that the day is "lovely", or that Jericho is "surprised", "sad", or "delighted", it's often already followed or preceded by a short description of what that looks like or means - for example, you say that he frowns and then you tell us he's sad, or you say that he's delighted, then you explain that that's because Freya would be so proud of him. And I think, in some cases, it's fine to just leave it at the explanation and let the reader come to the conclusion of sad, surprised, delightful, or lovely? it's obviously a balance, and there are definitely times where I recommend spelling stuff out, but in this case I think it can come across as repeating information we already know. if that makes sense?
once again, this is one of those writing balancing acts that's very subjective, so it's up to you if and how you implement this.
either way, these were really fun to read! thanks so much for sharing!
Thank you for the critique! It was cool to be able to just infodump about my Warlock character and I tried to do something different for my other character. He's supposed to be a Galeb Duhr, which is a big rock monster that is basically the geological version of the Ent from Lord of the Rings. It talks slow, moves slow, hits like a goddamn dump truck and takes hits like one, too. I tried to write in a more "juvenile" way because Jericho might not be too smart, but he's earnest and acts like a kid. I see where you're coming from in terms of repeating information, but does it sounds like what a kid would do? I'm not too sure but tried my best.
oh hey, that does make a lot of sense!
I'm reading over it again now and yeah, that definitely works. I guess reading it the first time I hadn't realised how closely the narration was tied to the character? but now that you've said it, I feel kinda silly for missing that because it's so obvious and accomplished so well now that I know what to look for
(these are the days I earn my certification in being a Dense Reader lmao)
hey look, it's Saturday!
@cue-nervous-humming
ah, but it is especially in compounding that fandom feels show their true potency haha
genuinely though I love this?? like you've really captured a ~vibe~ here, of the conflict between moral purity and victory, expressed incredibly gracefully. I really like the parallels in structure of the first and second stanza.
favourite line: a lot of them tbh? but especially "Pride all I have to offer in the face of fear" and "Grief strapped like a weapon to my back"
I think the stanza that I wonder about the most is the last one. I get that it makes sense for the last one to break the structure that's been established, but I am a bit sad to see it go haha. and content-wise, the last stanza does feel like it's written in a slightly different register than the others? there was sort of a formal/noble/distant tone in the first two stanzas, idk, with the choice of more elaborate words. then the last one suddenly goes very personal and almost casual, and ends on a line that sums up the message of the poem very explicitly when the rest has been full of imagery. which again, not necessarily a problem but there does seem to be a disconnect (maybe it's deliberate?) between the first two stanzas and the last.
either way, this was wonderful!! thanks so much for sharing!!
prompt time!
music prompt: "Eleanor Rigby" by the Beatles
image: "Passage" by Cornelia Konrads
word prompt: can't believe I haven't done this before but "Where the Sidewalk Ends" by Shel Silverstein
There is a place where the sidewalk ends
and before the street begins,
and there the grass grows soft and white,
and there the sun burns crimson bright,
and there the moon-bird rests from his flight
to cool in the peppermint wind.
Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
and the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
we shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow
and watch where the chalk-white arrows go
to the place where the sidewalk ends.
Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
and we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
for the children, they mark, and the children, they know,
the place where the sidewalk ends.
okay okay, i'm like hella sorry for disappearing and not sharing for weeks at a time. honestly, i don't know what's up? but i would probably place money on it being the fault of quarantine. it's so hard to be inspired by going out and feeling intense and vivid emotions when you…can't go out and feel vivid, intense emotions. rip. anyway have a poem i like to think of as a 'final adieu to a previously important person'
Two months ago joy felt like an unreachable emotion.
I haven’t let myself write an actual breakup poem,
Took a ‘holding on’ poem and turned it into a ‘letting go’ instead,
And since then I swear I haven’t been able to write.
The breakup itself wasn’t more
Than a month and two weeks ago,
But it felt like we were done well before.
I was raised on ‘relationships take work’ and gods, that’s true.
But one person can’t, shouldn’t,
Be expected to carry the weight themselves.
I’m not sure how normal my response was,
There was no wallowing in icecream and dramedies.
Just a yard full of weeds and a handful of tears,
Like saying goodbye to the memories.
Grief is far from the right word,
Relief sounds better on my tongue.
Every breath feels brand new, I swear,
And the world has never looked this bright.
The colors around me swirl,
The way the words used to as I sat down to write.
I’ve never quite tasted the sun like this,
Can’t remember the last time a breeze wrapped around me
Lifted my heart nearly up out of my chest
And right into the sky with it.
You know the glow of fairy lights?
The world seems awash with that soft light.
No, I don’t think I could ever sink into grief,
Not when I finally feel happy.
I think the stanza that I wonder about the most is the last one. I get that it makes sense for the last one to break the structure that's been established, but I am a bit sad to see it go haha. and content-wise, the last stanza does feel like it's written in a slightly different register than the others? there was sort of a formal/noble/distant tone in the first two stanzas, idk, with the choice of more elaborate words. then the last one suddenly goes very personal and almost casual, and ends on a line that sums up the message of the poem very explicitly when the rest has been full of imagery. which again, not necessarily a problem but there does seem to be a disconnect (maybe it's deliberate?) between the first two stanzas and the last.
either way, this was wonderful!! thanks so much for sharing!!
Hey thanks for the feedback, it's much appreciated! Yeah I see what you mean there about how startling the switch between stanza structures as well as the complexity of the language is… I did intend it to be jarring, in the way that it's all supposed to seem like a very unsatisfying answer to a problem that's so big, but i might change it to make it a bit more digestible to the world. Thank you for liking it in general, though!
Hi @crocs-to-a-knife-fight, I really like this one. The line that really jumped out at me was "Took a ‘holding on’ poem and turned it into a ‘letting go’ instead" which honestly gave me very different expectations for this which you subverted in the best way. Like I was expecting more sadness and less lightness at the idea of letting go, and the way you exploited that expectation and turned it around really did it for me.
I also like how neatly you tied it all together, whith the beginning being about thinking joy was unreachable and then realizing that grief is actually the thing that is unreachable because of the sense of relief.
Umm I can't really think of anything concrete to critique, so I'll just leave it at this.
Hi @crocs-to-a-knife-fight, I really like this one. The line that really jumped out at me was "Took a ‘holding on’ poem and turned it into a ‘letting go’ instead" which honestly gave me very different expectations for this which you subverted in the best way. Like I was expecting more sadness and less lightness at the idea of letting go, and the way you exploited that expectation and turned it around really did it for me.
I also like how neatly you tied it all together, whith the beginning being about thinking joy was unreachable and then realizing that grief is actually the thing that is unreachable because of the sense of relief.
Umm I can't really think of anything concrete to critique, so I'll just leave it at this.
that line references an older poem of mine that is very near and dear to my heart, so I'm glad you liked it! also, I hadn't even realized it would put that effect into place, but that's kinda cool. wish I could do that on purpose lmao
I'm glad you like this in general, because it was a hard one for me to write until I had the swing down
Hi
hello, is there something we can help you with?
@crocs-to-a-knife-fight
hey no worries about not sharing! sometimes the words don't come and that's totally fine. and quarantine is doing weird things to us all.
as for the poem, it's like @cue-nervous-humming said - you've created this really interesting subversion of expectations, where you start out with joy unreachable and breaking up, and then as it goes on we learn that the joylessness came before the breakup and right now, the unreachable emotion is grief. so the tone also progresses from this slightly tired, confused vibe to something that's almost surprised at itself for being as lighthearted as it is. all very well done!
favourite line: the letting go one is pretty cool, but also "Just a yard full of weeds and a handful of tears,/ Like saying goodbye to the memories."
and there's honestly not much to say in the way of critique? like I can't find any particularly odd or clunky bits. but. (and take this with an even bigger grain of salt than usual) I wonder if it'd be possible to reword "joy felt like an unreachable emotion" so that the emphasis/focus is entirely on the "unreachable" aspect? idk how to explain it, and this might 100% be me being weird about things, but I feel like ending the sentence on the word "emotion" puts unnecessary emphasis there when the real point of the sentence is that said emotion felt like it was out of reach. if there was some way to end on that, I feel like the focus would be clearer?
idk if that makes any sense at all lmao. you can tell I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel here
either way, thanks so much for sharing this week!!
prompts!
music: "Chi Mai" by Ennio Moricone
image: "Beneath the Lilies" by Vanessa Palmer
word prompt: from "Mural" by Mahmoud Darwish (the full version is kinda long but y'all I cannot recommend this guy's poetry enough. please do go read more of his work if you have the chance!!)
Green
The land of my poem is green
One stream is enough to make me whisper to the butterfly:
O sister
One stream is enough to solder the ancient myths onto the falcon’s wing as it swaps
banners for distant peaks
there where armies have founded for me a kingdom of oblivion
There is no nation smaller than its poem
But weapons make words too big for the living
and the dead who inhabit the living
And letters make the sword on the dawn’s belt glitter
till the desert becomes parched for songs or drowns in them
would something like 'joy felt entirely unreachable' work?
yep, I think that would work!! at least it sounds smoother in my head haha
alright then! i'll get on changing that
also, here's a freshly written scene-thingy
This… is a long one. I got a bit carried away with these two and their relationship, so bear with me
also, i don't like paragraphs being broken up a certain way, so yes, i'm aware that some pages have an unnatural blank space at the end
it's funny how sometimes it takes nothing short of a death to teach you how to write again. i'm sure joy's proud as fuck, at least, and happy now that her partner is with her
ach, sorry for the delay y'all! adult life finally caught up with me last week and decided to be rude about it
@zesty-eggmcmuffin
This was both incredibly intense and very soft. I really love the characterisation and the dynamic between these two! And the subtle worldbuilding of ghosts and what that can entail? top tier. there's a super delicate balance between sharing too much at once and not sharing enough about this kind of thing and I think you manage that excellently.
One thing I noticed is that even though it starts out very much limited to Ryland's pov, as it goes on it sometimes switches over to temporarily giving a perspective that only Kiran could have access to, especially once the mother comes in. It's a bit jarring since it can happen without warning from one sentence to the next - I'd recommend either limiting yourself more ruthlessly to one of the perspectives or making it all a bit more omniscient (though I do think more omniscience would also detach us a bit more and give us a lot less characterisation, so I guess that's something to consider).
but yeah. other than that, this was excellent!! super intriguing concept, super engaging execution.
@crocs-to-a-knife-fight
the prose - another really intense scene! I enjoyed the characterisation here, in her speech as well as her actions, and the hints of backstory and the overall vibe that this is the end point of years of ever increasing political and personal tension.
I wonder if it'd be more effective to jump right into the content of the memory and then clarify later that it is, in fact, a memory? right now, we start out being told that it's a memory, that she hates, that she's disgusted and angry about, and the memory itself doesn't show up until paragraph three. I'm going to be the cliche and point out that since paragraph 3 is the "showing" of the memory and paragraphs 1 and 2 the "telling", switching the order of the two might decrease the overall need for "telling". if that makes sense?
the poetry. ok this one genuinely blew me out of the water. like. the imagery??? the tone?? the way the imagery and tone mesh together so perfectly??? the consistent rising buildup to the last line that hits like a gut punch??? fdjksfdjfsd I cannot even. (I relate to this one a whole lot, and perhaps that's why I like it so much, but I also genuinely think this is one of the most stylistically strong and consistent ones you've shared.)
favourite line: "Fraudulent grief is my specialty."
not much in the way of critique, here, just a note that guilt paints its funny little pictures (no apostrophe) and a question if "taking a hit on someone" is an idiom that I'm not aware of? like I've heard of taking a hit, but that particular phrasing isn't familiar.
but yeah. this one hits that rare combination of being both incredibly personal and incredibly well laid-out? so I've been very enthusiastic about the stylistic aspect, but obviously I also hope you've been able to cope with the personal, and that your pain is easing. ("fraudulent grief" is a kickass phrase in poetry, but idk that it's the most true or most helpful applied directly in real life, just cause sorrow isn't a comparative exercise and different experiences of grief are no less valid than each other)
and prompts!
music: "Belgrade" by Battle Tapes
image: "music" by Oliver Ryan
word prompt: "Grief" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning
I tell you, hopeless grief is passionless—
That only men incredulous of despair,
Half-taught in anguish, through the midnight air,
Beat upward to God’s throne in loud access
Of shrieking and reproach. Full desertness
In souls, as countries, lieth silent-bare
Under the blenching, vertical eye-glare
Of the absolute Heavens. Deep-hearted man, express
Grief for thy Dead in silence like to death;
Most like a monumental statue set
In everlasting watch and moveless woe,
Till itself crumble to the dust beneath!
Touch it! the marble eyelids are not wet—
If it could weep, it could arise and go.
and a bonus: think of a scene that you wrote within the last few months that you maybe weren't entirely happy with, and rewrite it from memory. If you compare both versions, you can see what kind of details overlap and which ones don't, and that might help to figure out which ones are necessary.