forum The LGBTQ+ Community Chat :)

Started April 21, 2018 by @Tylerrr-M-P

tune

cats love stepping on boobs

and they need to not

Gods I have never felt like such a shitty partner in my life…

What? What did you do wrong? (Unless you don't want to talk about it)

So my boyfriend is stating how he wants me to do like couples "fun" stuff (fun is his word for sexual).
He said that even sending pictures between us would be classed as fun, and we did do at one point, but I've told him that back then I was having a moment and now I've lost it.
He asked what I meant.
I said that in person I feel like an arousal, however under any other circumstance I don't.
He said that's not normal and then proceeded to question why I am with him.
I said "Because you make me happy, because I feel safe when you hug me, and I trust you. Among other things." However when I asked why he is with me he said "because I am" and that he didn't need to justify why.
He said he only asked because he's annoyed I never seem to want to do anything sexual, and that I don't have to if I don't want to "of course".
I didn't get into the relationship with the mindset of "I want this guy's body and to do sexual things.", I got into the relationship because he is a wonderful person whom I know loves me for me and I want to have a future with him. I'm not saying that I don't want to do sexual things with him, I mean I already lost it to him, but I'm not always in the mood. He hasn't noticed how awkward I get when he wants to do something more than just kiss me.
And he's really annoyed about it and now he's questioning if the relationship is going to work out.
WE HAVE BEEN DATING FOR ALMOST 5 YEARS???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I feel like such a shitty partner because I'm not allowed out of the house a lot, as my parents want me to do things, so I don't get to see him as much as we would like. I feel awful because he wants to do sexual things with me but I just don't feel anything half of the time. It's not like I don't feel any attraction to him, clearly I do, but when I say I don't feel anything I mean anything.

I don't even know where to start…

I… am honestly worried.

Why???

Honestly I think you should just try explaining to him that you're not in the mood all the time, and if you’re not comfortable with something he’s doing, you ask him to stop. What’s important in a relationship is both people’s happinesses as well as communication. If he can’t understand that and is still upset, then idk what to tell you.

And the fact that you feel bad for something you yourself can’t control is beyond what we can do.

Just try explaining to him, I guess? Definitely take my advice for like, half a penny because I obviously act like I know what I’m talking about but I really don’t know. It’s just what came to mind.

That. Does not make you a shitty partner. First of all, your parents being like that is not your fault and doesn’t make you shitty. And sometimes people aren’t in the mood. That’s perfectly normal. What isn’t normal and is actually bad is when people try and do things when you aren’t comfortable doing them. Consent goes two ways. Just because you’re in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean you’re obligated to do something sexual with them everytime they want to. That’s not your job. If they don’t want to be in a relationship with you because you don’t feel comfortable doing something that makes them a shitty partner, not you

I agree with Emi and Moxie.

I've explained it to him, and I guess it isn't all his fault because one of his kins does have a massive impact on his daily life and it does prevent him from doing some things… He's kind of apologised for how he acted, and he says he's going to come and see me later (it's almost 1AM)

Okay but you have to be firm about your comfort level when it comes to things like that. Don’t leave it up for debate and don’t leave it up to him to guess or figure it out. Your comfort level is non-negotiable.

^^^

Thank you, all of you.
Being firm with him isn't something I've done before so it is a little difficult, but I'm working on it.

You must be firm with him. It’s the only way your relationship will stay strong and healthy as you grow, still, together.

It may seem difficult and a bit scary at first, but it'll definitely be worth it in the long run.

I've always been the person who puts another before myself.
I grew up thinking that I had to think about others first.
My own stepdad has told me that I can't speak my mind because I have to take other peoples' feelings into account.
I grew up wanting to talk to people but having no one to talk to, and now that my boyfriend is willing to listen to me I find myself not wanting to talk for fear of either hurting him or myself.

It’s not a healthy relationship if you can’t speak your mind, especially when the person is hurting you. I know that it’s all you’ve had and it’s what you’ve had for a while but that doesn’t mean the relationship is necessarily healthy

I had a similar situation about a year or so ago actually (basically my drive was much lower, and I also only felt arousal in person pretty much). In my case, it resolved just fine, and we've had minimal problems since.
You definitely do need to speak your mind about what you do and don't want to do, and be very clear about this so you don't actually lead him on if you're not in the mood for doing anything beyond kissing. This is very much a two-sided thing, though. You both need to sit down and ask, "hey, what are your needs?" and from there, you have to find middleground and ways to work around both of your needs and preferences, within the realm of comfort for both of you. People do get frustrated sometimes when their libidos don't necessarily match up with their partner's, but it's okay and can be worked around. (This also might sound a little weird, or maybe not, but if you know how you're feeling certain days, you can totally just plan to do sexy stuff ahead of time instead of on the spur of the moment. Doesn't work for everyone, but it helped me some, at least with mental preparation.)
So the big thing: communication, for both of you. You need to tell him how you feel, but also make sure he tells you what he wants too. It'll take some work probably, but this situation can absolutely work out okay. I wouldn't consider it a red flag unless he doesn't respect your comfort (but with the good things you said about him, I'm sure it'll be fine).

We've tried talking about it in the past, but we are so awkward about it that we tend to start making no sense whatsoever.
After I mentioned it here, he removed me from Snapchat, then sent me a text asking if I could add him back.
We talked for a bit, it is now 2AM, and as soon as he said I love you, I responded with "I love you too, just don't ever make me feel like I'm being a shitty partner again."
We seem to be on good terms now, although now we are both complaining about how we don't feel tired and yet it is 2:07AM :/

GO TO BED

I've only been awake for 12 hours, I'm not tired!

I've only been awake for 12 hours, I'm not tired!

GO TO BED

I've only been awake for 12 hours??? Like the rest of my family had been up for 16 hours