Personal Venting Chat, New and Improved! (Without Jerks)

Deleted user

May 19, 2020

That is just life in a nutshell. And so agreeable, has to work more on a german travel essay , it's been over due for 2 months

@berlioz

May 19, 2020

Uggghhh time for a proper vent.

tw- suicidal stuff, much depresso

Spoiler - click to show.

I've been filled with so much hate and anger lately. I'm not even usually an angry person. I feel hopeless. I've never wanted to run away more strongly than now, and I've never had thoughts of killing myself until recently.
I've been diagnosed with depressive disorder and GAD. I got a prescription for meds and a referral to a therapist. My parents won't let me get the meds, and they won't let me see the therapist. After I got diagnosed, I got screamed and yelled at by my dad for faking depression to get attention, that I was ungrateful, and that I wasn't wanted around if I wasn't going to be happy about life. That really lifted my spirits.
Now I'm suicidal. I have been for just over a month, now. I've made plans, I've thought out notes, but have never attempted. I've called and texted crisis helplines, because I'm practically always in crisis mode. They really are helpful, but soon the thoughts and feelings overwhelm me again.
I think my body knew I was suicidal before my mind did, if that makes sense. Everything started shutting down. I'm still sick, and just generally physically off. The thoughts took a while to set in. They were confusing at first, because I've never been suicidal before. Now they're clear. And I hate this.
Now if I told my parents I'm suicidal, they'd either call me a liar or go into denial. They wouldn't help me get the help I know I need. I've been pretending to be cheery for like half a year now, smothering the dark feelings and thoughts so they couldn't surface. Like my dad said, he doesn't want me around if I'm gunna be depressed all the time, so I don't "act" depressed. Every time I do I get yelled at, or at least, someone ends up getting yelled at. I can't risk expressing myself for the sake of my family. I simply can't be suicidal. I can't have feelings like this.
Right now I feel like I'm stalling death. Waiting for some little hope to come true, maybe. But things keep getting worse.
I feel like I'm in a waiting room or something, just waiting for myself to build up the courage to finally do it. It's like when you watch a really good movie, but the credits start to roll and the lights come up. You don't get up immediately, because you can't believe it's over. You don't really want it to be over. But it had a good ending, so eventually you get up and exit with the rest of the theater. Or like when you finish a good video game. You completed all the missions, defeated the final boss, but now there's nothing else to do. So you wander around the world for a bit. You wander around your camp. The NPCs have no new dialogue to explore, and no more challenges. The graphics are beautiful, and it was such a fun game so you don't really wanna leave yet. But eventually you get bored, and turn it off. That's where I feel I am. Between the ending and the real ending.
I just don't know what to do now. I don't really want to die, I just don't want this life. And the only way out of this life is to die. But I don't want to, because there's still a chance things could turn around. I know I need some sort of medical treatment. I know I've got a few screws loose, and I'm not scared to admit that. I'm going to have to wait until school starts again and start talking with a councelor. I've never done that, but I've gone with people when they needed it. They seem nice enough. Maybe if my parents heard I was suicidal from another adult, they'd believe it and start getting me real help. I don't know though. I don't know if I can wait a whole summer. I'm worried I'll have some sort of psychotic break, or I'll attempt.
I just wish for so much to change. I wish I had people irl who cared. Who really cared. People who would be there for me no matter what I'm feeling. People who wouldn't lie. I'm sick of this cycle of depression and panic attacks and break downs that I just can't seem to break. I feel worthless and useless. I have no one. I'm tired of living when I have nothing to live for. All evidence suggests that I'm a waste of space. I want to end all this pointless suffering. I'm so mad I feel that way. I'm so full of so much negativity and hopelessness that I can't handle life anymore. I can't handle letting myself wake up everyday. I'm sick of this.

Yeesh that was a lot to unload. Sorry guys. I just need to let that out. No one knows about it. I just needed to get it out there. Thanks for listening.

Tw- dead animals

Spoiler - click to show.

Deleted user

May 19, 2020

Oh @Owen I'm here and my PM's are always open to chat. I'll be here for you no matter what. Anyone else on here will have your back. We support and care about you very much. : )

Deleted user

May 19, 2020

Dude, @Owen, I’m so sorry you’re not getting the support you need. I’ll keep you in my thoughts, man, hang in there.

@berlioz

May 19, 2020

Thx Jake :)

@berlioz

May 19, 2020

And thank you, Emi

Deleted user

May 19, 2020

Anytime dude!

Deleted user

May 19, 2020

Good luck ❤️

Deleted user

May 19, 2020

Owen, I get it, I do. Although my mom believes my diagnosises and does have me on meds, there was a point where I felt like I couldn't mention any of my disorders to her. I still feel like I can't really talk to her. I'm sorry you're going through that.

@berlioz

May 19, 2020

Owen, I get it, I do. Although my mom believes my diagnosises and does have me on meds, there was a point where I felt like I couldn't mention any of my disorders to her. I still feel like I can't really talk to her. I'm sorry you're going through that.

Thank you, Mir. It's nice to be understood :)
~~And omg your worm acquired lingerie and I'm cracking up lol~~

@Moxie

May 19, 2020

We may not be irl people but you have us <3
And we'll always be here for you Owen. We all think that you're super cool and really, really valuable.
I'm really sorry about your situation and your parents. You don't deserve that. If there's anything any of us can do for you, let us know

Deleted user

May 19, 2020

~~okay its official. I love ALL of the worm pfp I see. How did you all get them? And may I join in? Please?~~

Deleted user

May 19, 2020

Owen, I get it, I do. Although my mom believes my diagnosises and does have me on meds, there was a point where I felt like I couldn't mention any of my disorders to her. I still feel like I can't really talk to her. I'm sorry you're going through that.

Thank you, Mir. It's nice to be understood :)
~~And omg your worm acquired lingerie and I'm cracking up lol~~

~~she has a date tonight ;))~~

@Pickles

May 19, 2020

Spoiler - click to show.

it's scary how much I relate to that. I haven't been diagnosed with anything, and I don't think I have depression, but I'm just generally not a pleasant or happy person, and I do think there's something wrong with me sometimes. But I know that my parents would shrug me off if I said anything. And towards the end of April, I started having suicidal thoughts a lot more frequently. I don't want to die exactly, I just want everything to stop moving, to stop happening, and I just want to be gone. And like you said, death is how to get that. Anyways, sorry for making this about me. I just wanted to say "same dude"

@berlioz

May 19, 2020

We may not be irl people but you have us <3
And we'll always be here for you Owen. We all think that you're super cool and really, really valuable.
I'm really sorry about your situation and your parents. You don't deserve that. If there's anything any of us can do for you, let us know

You're all so sweet daMMIT you're gunna make me cry. Thank you Moxie!

@Pickles

May 19, 2020

Owen, I get it, I do. Although my mom believes my diagnosises and does have me on meds, there was a point where I felt like I couldn't mention any of my disorders to her. I still feel like I can't really talk to her. I'm sorry you're going through that.

Thank you, Mir. It's nice to be understood :)
~~And omg your worm acquired lingerie and I'm cracking up lol~~

~~she has a date tonight ;))~~

~~with who?~~

@Moxie

May 19, 2020

We may not be irl people but you have us <3
And we'll always be here for you Owen. We all think that you're super cool and really, really valuable.
I'm really sorry about your situation and your parents. You don't deserve that. If there's anything any of us can do for you, let us know

You're all so sweet daMMIT you're gunna make me cry. Thank you Moxie!

Of course <3
You gotta get support somewhere. Everyone needs some people they can turn to

Deleted user

May 19, 2020

~~Also who wants a drawing of them? I'm bored and wanna sketch and paint you guys.~~

@Kie

May 19, 2020

I'd like to offer all of you this: The wafer is the best part of the KitKat because it's flavor is very neutral with a hint of sweet and it goes c r u n c h

@berlioz

May 19, 2020

Spoiler - click to show.

it's scary how much I relate to that. I haven't been diagnosed with anything, and I don't think I have depression, but I'm just generally not a pleasant or happy person, and I do think there's something wrong with me sometimes. But I know that my parents would shrug me off if I said anything. And towards the end of April, I started having suicidal thoughts a lot more frequently. I don't want to die exactly, I just want everything to stop moving, to stop happening, and I just want to be gone. And like you said, death is how to get that. Anyways, sorry for making this about me. I just wanted to say "same dude"

Spoiler - click to show.

I get it, Pickles. It sucks not getting support from parents, like they're the people you're supposed to be able to go to. They're the people who are supposed to take care of you in that way. And you put into words exactly how I feel too, we don't want to die exactly, we just want "this" to stop. I don't want either of us to die. Hell, I don't want anyone to die lol. There's some other way to fix this, I know, but it sucks having to wait. It's torture, but we go on anyway because we have those little hopes. I feel you man.

@Pickles

May 19, 2020

I'd like to offer all of you this: The wafer is the best part of the KitKat because it's flavor is very neutral with a hint of sweet and it goes c r u n c h

Straight facts, dude

@Pickles

May 19, 2020

Spoiler - click to show.

it's scary how much I relate to that. I haven't been diagnosed with anything, and I don't think I have depression, but I'm just generally not a pleasant or happy person, and I do think there's something wrong with me sometimes. But I know that my parents would shrug me off if I said anything. And towards the end of April, I started having suicidal thoughts a lot more frequently. I don't want to die exactly, I just want everything to stop moving, to stop happening, and I just want to be gone. And like you said, death is how to get that. Anyways, sorry for making this about me. I just wanted to say "same dude"

Spoiler - click to show.

I get it, Pickles. It sucks not getting support from parents, like they're the people you're supposed to be able to go to. They're the people who are supposed to take care of you in that way. And you put into words exactly how I feel too, we don't want to die exactly, we just want "this" to stop. I don't want either of us to die. Hell, I don't want anyone to die lol. There's some other way to fix this, I know, but it sucks having to wait. It's torture, but we go on anyway because we have those little hopes. I feel you man.

Spoiler - click to show.

@Kie

May 19, 2020

I'd like to offer all of you this: The wafer is the best part of the KitKat because it's flavor is very neutral with a hint of sweet and it goes c r u n c h

Straight facts, dude

I'd also like to offer this: Crunchy wafer > everything

Deleted user

May 19, 2020

Having a diagnosis isn't great either. Cuz this way, it's like, there's no "I feel like there's something wrong with me," it's "there is something wrong me." But it's cool because it gives me answers: I hate myself and get sad because of my depression. I tic and can't go in crowded spaces or be put under pressure because of my GAD. I have panic attacks where I absolutely sob and shake and get stuck in my head because of my panic disorder. I have flashbacks, dissociate, and can't talk on the phone, have things pointed at me, or associate myself with alcohol and other triggers because of my CPTSD. I can go from great to terrible in minutes because of my bipolar disorder. And it's good to know certain things, like the reason I sometimes want to yell at and hurt people (sometimes physically) is also because of my CPTSD. I thought I was insane before I knew that.

@SpookyScarySnoteleks

May 19, 2020

I'd like to offer all of you this: The wafer is the best part of the KitKat because it's flavor is very neutral with a hint of sweet and it goes c r u n c h

Straight facts, dude

I'd also like to offer this: Crunchy wafer > everything

Imagine this:
Crunchy wafers replaced by bones
c r o n c h

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