forum I'LL CRITIQUE YOUR CHARACTERS!! [STILL OPEN]

Started October 01, 2018 by Deleted user

tune

@LonelyPotato Thanks! I didn't draw the art no it's from granblue I'm just using him as a frame of reference for character descriptions. I'll get to work to make it more sensible. But again, Thanks!

aight @Ashley

1. how does fishing/swimming result in scars? more identifying marks if he has any!
2. so is he two races?
3. how long is his hair?
4. so 200 is a bit over average, which for his body type i would say is perfect. anywhere from like 199-206 i would suggest
5. so is he too trusting if he's very loyal? does he follow without question? good personality details, maybe more if possible.
6. not sure if "jokes" can be a talent. making others laugh/smile is tho
7. what is "spear"?
8. "prejudices was a bad thing" were. THANK YOU THO YOU ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND :DD
9. "Terrified of speed on land" what does this mean?
10. "Can’t let go of people he befreiends." clingy?
11. "Will become angry at any mention of his dead mom." is this like a trigger for anger issues or something? or is it just a touchy subject? kind of an extra
12. "His mothers death at the hands of Ignis II." do you mean getting revenge for it? otherwise it sounds like he wants her to die at Ignis' hands.
13. "He is determined to bring back Terra so nothing like that will happen again. " who/what is terra, and how would bringing them/it back (from what) ensure nothing (like what) will ever happen again?
14. "He is a Donum and his life could be in danger as long as Ignis Rules" you've put under his species that he's human. is he a donum posing as a human? or is a donum just a variation of the human race? in which case just put that. also, that's not necessarily a motivation - overthrowing Ignis so that his life isn't in danger is.
15. mannerisms - any other habitual behaviors? does he tap his feet when impatient? does he talk loudly/expressively? more stuff like that!
16. "it reminds him of his mothers" i think that's a grammar error
17. "Parents
    Faye Druvan
    Ben Morgan " don't put this in background, there's a section in family for it.
18. if she had been captured and tortured, when was she captured? and cody would have been fairly young, so how exactly would he have known what happened to her? also, more of his history! what happened to bring him to where he is today?
19. education - has he completed his education? to what level? also, "At home his father taught him other wise." so how was this not apparent at his school or was it? if it was, how did others not know he was a donum and report him?

so that's all! he's a good character, but some more background would be nice. watch out for some grammatical/spelling errors (only if you want tho?)

ok @thestudentwriter, sorry it took so long!

1. Aric doesn't necessarily sound like a girl's name. obviously it doesn't really matter but that's my personal inclination, since it's derived from the name Eric. like i said though it doesn't matter like. at all
2. more identifying marks if possible! how could someone find her in a crowd/identify her in a group photo?
3. "feminine" isn't really a good descriptor. we already know she's a girl (even if she's trans). is she muscular? a beanpole? curvy or straight? stuff like that.
4. bangs covering one eye - like an emo fringe? which eye is it covering?
5. 160 is quite underweight.. maybe go for 170-184. that's mid-spectrum for women and men
6. "shy but strong" do you mean headstrong? more personality if possible! one good descriptor is introvert/extrovert/ambivert.
7. "went through depression and suicidal thoughts" not really a flaw. not something people can control. mostly personality flaws can be controlled/fixed by the individual alone
8. what about "aiko" motivates her? protecting them? saving them? killing them?
9. fiddles with what kind of string?
10. i think it's albino snakes but idk
11. promise ring from whom?
12. politics - why?
13. "One day her mother was murdered and it was never solved." just barely kind of seems like a convenient way to get the obligatory transphobic character out of the way, but obviously that's just my opinion. take it as a grain of salt cos it's your story. also, why would the father marry the vile woman? and more of her background - what led her to become the person she is? what brought her to where she is?

that's all! she's pretty well-developed. good job!

Hello~! I hope you wouldn't mind reviewing my girl. She'll be the protagonist of my mystery novel, where she tries to solve the murder of her childhood friend. I'd like to have her in a good, developed state before I begin writing. ^^
I've done a ton of research into the 70's to create her, and I hope it does show… :'D

ok @Kaloobia

1. what's his role in the story? is a protag? antag? deuteragonist or triagonist? stuff like that.
2. "Kind of cat-like, lean and controlled with movements, that leeway between a relaxed body and wound-up body." not all of this is necessarily body type, but good descriptors. may i suggest lean/wiry?
3. more identifying marks!
4. good mannerisms! add some more - does he have any habits? how does he talk?
   4.5 "Hates mayonnaise AND ketchup, he's Team Mustard." wouldn't quite call that a prejudice but it's hilarious
5. "Had to take care of his youngest sibling a lot, especially on vacation" why were he and his younger sibling on vacation?
6. ""don't forget from whence you came"" not really sure how that leads to thrift shopping, but ok.
7. PERSONALITY - YES!!!!! LOVE THE DETAILS!!!! However, as an introvert myself, I wouldn't quite say that he would enjoy parties/social events - i rarely leave the house, even if it's with people i'm familiar with. maybe he's an ambivert.
8. "Has dealt with the backlash of being black, latino and gay basically his entire life, and this often bleeds into his music. Really believes the way to improving societal relations, of any kind, is awareness, something he prompts through his lyrics. This also includes holding people accountable for their actions as well as their words, making it clear to a person that what they did or said was wrong, and that they can't just sweep that under the rug and hope it won't come to bite them in the ass later. It will." very good for personality, maybe not the best for politics.
9. so background - where was he born? early life? mid life? in general just try to scope out the timeline of his life up to this point, it can help put things in context. what happened to bring him where/turn him into who he is today?
10. what color does he generally wear? bright colors or monochrome black?

so he's really well-developed! great job! i hesitated to critique him cos he is already really good, but here u go i guess :,)

Could you maybe check her out?

Im not very good at outlining characters but I'm trying to get better and thought that this might be one way to do it. The things that aren't filled out (politics and maybe Like one other) I didn't know what to write. With that said don't be afraid to be harsh!

Hey thanks for the critique! :-)
1.Mostly a strong supporting character!
5.They weren't on vacation together, it was Tricky's vacation/breaks from school and stuff, he had to stay home to babysit :') I'll make it more clear.
6.Thrift stores generally sell second-hand clothes and for really cheap, so it tends to be a place a lot of lower-class families shop. I imagine, when Tricky wasn't just receiving hand-me-downs, he would shop at Goodwill or something. Maybe I should include that? Kind of a long parenthesis ^^"
7.Thank you! But as an introvert as well, me and my close friend (also introvert) both really appreciate a good party, and social interaction, but we also need a lot of downtime/alone time to recharge, so I sort of applied that to Tricky as well.
9.I'll definitely work on that!
10.Hawaiian shirts are generally considered to be bright, so when he's wearing those obviously he's more colorful, whereas jeans and jean jackets all,,, sort of look the same haha. I'll expand on it though!

Thanks again for doing this! ^^ And thank you for the compliments too haha <3

HEY GUYS, SORRY I HAVEN'T GOT TO YOU YET!!
SCHOOLWORK AND STRESS WAS PILING UP AND I'D LOST MOTIVATION, BUT I'M BACK AND I WILL GET TO YOU ASAP. ON THAT NOTE,
@"Soup_Nana_and_co." HERE!!
For Echo:

1. "Half yellow, half lime green." as in heterochromia/sectoral heterochromia? or just a lime yellow-green? More identifying marks if possible, how could you spot him from a mile away with just a white streak and interesting eyes?
2. "sorta swoops to the side a bit." like side bangs or a side part? also is his color like an inverted todoroki. lol. I would also call his interesting hair color in general (not just the streak) an identifying mark.
3. "Puzzling." how so? do people finding him confusing? because that's what it sounds like. do you mean he is just always found pondering some question?
4. "rather than a crude trick." when would anyone ever turn it into a crude trick if they're caught snooping??
5. quick question, do people actually enjoy smiling? or do they just enjoy being happy/entertained? idk.
6. "and his butt getting saved by others." basically getting himself into trouble. lmao love it
7. "and some people might call him "difficult" to deal with." how so?
8. more mannerisms if possible. does he talk loudly with a lot of motion? or quietly and awkwardly? habitual behaviors and stuff.
9. "he just thinks their funny" - *they're. sorry, that's one of my big pet peeves. ;v;
10. background - more early life. why did he have to train his whole life for this one girl? couldn't someone more qualified do it? is bridget his mother? that part is a little confusing.
11. rip bugsy
12. "Can control and change his surroundings later on in the story" as in their physical properties? in what ways? can he turn into mythical beasts as well? more details if you don't mind!

for Evangeline:

1. uhhhh "fricken goddess" doesn't really explain. if someone didn't know who she was, what would stand out to them about her? what makes her seem like a goddess? if she wasn't a goddess, how would you identify her in a crowded space?
2. sparkles - you mean her skin is sparkly or is it like glowing freckles?
3. abilities - just say omniscient or smth.

so that's all! i'm so sorry for the delay! great job so far!

ok @"Word count: 1651"
i could have sworn i've done her before, but here you are anyways!

1. "Maiyah is female and identifies as such." just say female..
2. "Romantically attracted to males only." so just. straight
3. "Gets nervous while looking some in the eyes for too long, there are a few exceptions to this. " what are the exceptions?
4. "Washes hands very closely following any handshakes." is she a germophobe or does she just dislike physical contact?
5. " Advocate for Feminism and the equal rights amendment." so i don't think this is a prejudice but it's a good detail.
6. AMAZING PERSONALITY DETAILS I LOVE IT THANK YOU
7. more background! when was her friend murdered? some personal history. what turned her into the person she is today?
8. one thing i would say is that if she's easily aggressive and temperamental, i find it a bit hard to believe she "never speaks out of turn" unless she's good at hiding her emotions. in which case, put that.
9. one more thing, i would be careful not to write her as the cliche "angry, stereotype-crushing, boisterous feminist" because its. not entirely accurate. obviously it's your choice tho!

so she's really well developed!
i would say the details from the 70s are pretty well included and seemed accurate, nice job.

@Spider-man

1. i would say that's a bit more than underweight "but not by much". maybe try 105-107.
2. "Meets at about her mid back" meets? do you just mean stops? or even "falls to around"
3. if she's 15 how on earth does she already have an hourglass figure.
4. more identifying marks if possible.
5. "only sees the good in those she loves (I.e. Her brother)" so is she overly loyal/naive?
6. "won't actually trust anyone" i'm entirely sure if that's possible. if that is meant in the extreme she'll basically not believe anything except for what she tells herself, anything from the prices of an item to whether lava will kill her. i know that's probably not what you meant, but maybe just try "very mistrustful".
7. prejudices - but does she believe that? are there any others?
8. more personality!! as many random details as you can muster! how does she act in some situations? how does she act to strangers vs. people she "only sees the good in"?
9. "how to use other wants to get what she wanted (well more like what he wanted) " so do you mean he taught her how to manipulate people into making their wants correspond with hers? a bit more on history if possible. what were some of their foster parents like?

so that's all. she's pretty well-done, but (although very few) areas could use some more details. great work!

thank you so much for the feedback!

thank you so much for the feedback!

ofc!

Thank you so much! Also, I realize that Echo does kinda seem like todoroki, but it could be worse cause I almost gave him fire powers. ^_Oof Also, I am soooooo so sorry about the their/they're. I hate it too and I was writing really quick so I didn't notice.

Thank you so much! Also, I realize that Echo does kinda seem like todoroki, but it could be worse cause I almost gave him fire powers. ^_Oof Also, I am soooooo so sorry about the their/they're. I hate it too and I was writing really quick so I didn't notice.

no problem!
also lol.
no worries abt the their/they're, i do that too, even if it does annoy me. which is sad.

Hi again :')) Mind checking out this child? (idk if i sent them before)

Ty ty qwq

Hey again! I know you have already critiqued a bunch of my characters, but with each critique I learn more and I love your input! Promise these are the last two, but I might have you critique one more after them… heh heh.

I don't want to overwork you, so I'll give you the third later. :D

ok @Kohaku:

1. gender: unknown. is it unknown by them? if you want easier planning i would recommend putting the gender in, and it makes it easier to critique.
2. biologically and physically mean pretty much the same thing - maybe try using "chronologically" or "mentally"
3. they're pretty light, even for a biological female. maybe make them about 7-10 ibs heavier.
4. hair color - try "deep navy" or "raven black".
5. how long is their hair? when not in a braid is it wavy? straight? curly? frizzy?
6. what color are their irises though. are their entire eyes just greyish-green?
7. quick thing with their identifying marks - if they have fluffy fox-like ears, how are they believed human? do they hide them? if so, how? and if they hide them with a hat or cloth or something, that could be considered an identifying mark if they wear it all the time. and more identifying marks if possible!
8. mannerisms - more! how do they talk? do they walk in a certain way? are they polite? rude? stuff like that.
9. "She doesn't trust people and lies pretty often about her health as to not worry her brother more than necessary, has trouble talking with people (especially new ones)" so maybe "mistrustful". and lying about her health - does she do this often enough and to the point where it causes trouble? in which case yeah, it's a flaw. if not, maybe put it in personality type. also, is she socially awkward? that would explain the last part. MORE FLAWS! these all seem understandable, so give her some actual personality flaws. she can work on them as time goes on. no one's really this perfect
10. "She believes she can trust no one, due to an unfortunate past event" not really a prejudice - believes all people (or humans? idk) are untrustworthy or liars is a prejudice.
11. "cords" chords i think you mean
12. "playing an instrument" - playing any instrument? or just the flute?
13. more personality details if possible! how does she act to elders vs. those younger than her? new/old friends? those of higher/lower status?
14. "analyst" of what?
15. "Fish foods" like she likes eating just. fish food. right out of the can.
16. cats aren't really harmless, but it's her/your opinion so
17. so education - to what level? has she completed the education expected of someone like her in her culture? and on the things she knows beyond her age, does she know these things from a history class or with weird first-hand experience?
18. so background - good details, but more! specific accounts if possible.
19. woag did you draw that that's AMAZING
20. so her species is giving some other details that so far i haven't seen show through in her personality - e.g. protective. that, in its extreme, could be a flaw.
21. if Gelf parents are so protective of their young, why was she abandoned?
22. "She is shown to be able to copy and use the main abilities of her direct family relatives, but at a weaker level" but she doesn't know her direct family relatives (unless you mean her adoptive family). i don't know what abilities this family has, so some details would be great!
23. if the wings aren't big enough for her to fly, how does she protect herself against fire with them?

so that's all! you've done a pretty good job on her! keep going!

I feel like I'm lacking flaws or interesting traits in the writing of this character. Help would be appreciated!

I'm aware that they're pretty 'bare boned', but I was wondering if you'd like to take a crack at them anyway.

Clownface: Clownface

George Wintergrean: https://www.notebook.ai/plan/characters/403129#overview_panel

Ok @Soup_Nana_and_co.
thank you! i'm glad my critiques help!
So for Snow:

1. "It would be rather to spot her in a crowd, mostly because it is pretty rare to find a teenage girl with amber eyes and white hair in a pixie cut." so the wording of this part confused me a bit, i wasn't sure what you were trying to get across. i would say her oddly-colored eyes and hair is a good identifying mark. also, does the owl just fly around her or sit on her shoulders or smth like that?
2. it's pretty rare to have a 15-year-old with an hourglass figure…
3. "And even though she has a sweet personality at first, she can be a fighter, and a good one too." this sounds like you're saying that she has a sweet exterior but is not kind in reality. if you mean she's sweet but can and will defend her ideas perhaps aggressively, say that. more personality details if possible!
4. "Unwilling to harm anyone, good or evil. " why, and to what extent? if someone was about to be killed, and she had to hurt the perpetrator to save the victim, would she do it?
5. wouldn't say "talkative" is a flaw, but "talks too much" is. talkative just means that the person talks a lot, not necessarily to the point of being a flaw.
6. "The wants a world of peace so she can live her best life." so does she believe that the world is fundamentally good and the perfect fantasy world exists? that might be a little childish, but if not then how on earth does she think world peace is possible and to what extent?
7. more mannerisms! to quote from one of my previous critiques (of one of ur characters coincidentally lmao) does she talk loudly with a lot of motion? or quietly and awkwardly? habitual behaviors and manners of speaking are all included.
8. how is her favorite color a "duh"?
9. more background - early life, childhood, how she was brought up, experiences, what made her believe what, how she left her parents.. basically how she came to be who and where she is today.
10. so if zephyrus is so powerful, how is she not? is power not a biological thing? that might be a discontinuity if so.

for Raven:

1. again, probably unlikely a 15-year-old has developed an hourglass figure just yet, if at all.
2. any current fears? spiders, the dark, isolation, etc?
3. so if she hides her emotions, does she actually have them or does she keep them buried down deep where even she can't feel them? better details, good job, but any more would be appreciated.
4. "criticizing people, roasting people, being mean, and rejecting guys" how does she enjoy being mean/criticizing people? and rejecting guys? how does someone mean and emotionless even get guys in the first place? and, if it's because she's pretty or smth, then how would guys not learn from countless others being rejected? eventually guys get tired of the pretty girl if she shows absolutely n interest. no offense to her, but that's not how the world works..
5. talents - any others? the above aren't necessarily things that you can be really talented at.
6. "doesn't care about (almost) anybody else" this is a flaw too! also, is she manipulative? cold-blooded? people like her tend to share many of the same attributes, sometimes due to whatever mishap led them to be who they are.
7. more mannerisms! see the previous number 7 (lmao)
8. she's got to have something - i don't think anyone at 15 can really resist having one item they like. not entirely sure anyone can entirely disregard physical belongings anyways, but that might just be me
9. so uh what's her real fav food
10. so i kind of get the "duh" on this one but i wouldn't recommend putting it there
11. "Snow was always praised and loved, and Raven was considered strange and different. " i would personally be inclined to say the opposite. if her parents were evil beyond measure, they will cater to the more evil twin, not the excitable bubbly one. they'll relate more to the quiet one, and probably be annoyed by the happy one. I also somewhat doubt that her parents would quite play favorites to that extreme.
12. "Raven still craves her parents love and trust, but is it really worth it?" wouldn't really recommend adding this unless she's questioning it herself - if so, add it.
13. added note, if i was Raven (i actually can sort of relate to her, i'm very quiet and my sister is very loud) i would absolutely loath and detest my sibling if she got all the love for being annoyingly talkative. does she hate Snow? if so, say it. if not, it's just me being weird sorry
14. "She had a pet scorpion that she named Scorpio, but it got out and a guard suddenly dropped dead the next day." love this.
15. Again, if her father's a high class who challenged a goddess, won, and has one of the pieces of a star that has a ton of the goddess's power, i would say his heirs would be far more powerful than that. he probably wouldn't accept it otherwise.

so that's all! they're really well developed, there were just one or two things i noticed that could be developed on a little more.
gj and thanks again!

Tysm! And with the whole Zephyrus being more powerful than his daughters, it is only because of the chunk of star. I should probably clarify that. lol. He was only able to defeat a goddess because he threatened her family.
I'll update it and make sure it makes a bit more sense. I have so many characters that I kinda rush when making them. Again, thank you!!!

Ayy tysm q3q
Imma try and fix it all, you pointed out some good things i didn't see q3q. When i said fish foods, i mean anything with fish :"))) And ye, i drew i that qwq
As for the part with the protective parents, they didn't abandon her, she was sorta taken from them (the parents are most likely dead if none came to get her back so….). I really had no idea what i was doing when i wrote down their magic, it's still a subject of debate and i haven't finished it yet, so of course it makes no sense. As for the wings, well, they work as a partial shield if she wraps herself in them and curls into a ball, you get the point
Again tysm q3q and would u mind if i send another one? qwq

aight @Snowmirror:

1. "Tsubaki (in the past)" do you mean he changed his name?
2. more identifying marks if possible, how would someone recognize him as a human?
3. maybe a bit more on body type - is he stocky or skinny? (though i kind of get what you mean by lithe)
4. "He has dyslexia in both languages he speaks" not really necessary, it's not possible to have dyslexia in one language but not another.
5. "He doesn't trust easily and keeps secrets from everyone in an effort to protect himself. " maybe try "mistrustful and secretive" for concision, but obviously it's your choice
6. "In the back of his mind, he thinks he knows best and can execute all plans without any sort of aid." so is he somewhat arrogant or is he just very independent (to the point of it being a flaw)?
7. "He's deeply sensitive and hides this sensitivity behind biting remarks and flashes of anger." so this part i kind of get but i feel like it doesn't entirely make sense - he's not really hiding sensitivity if he lashes out because of it, that's more of a symptom, though you may be right. maybe he's really defensive and pushes people away a lot? (the latter might relate to this "Letting others in is extremely hard for him.")
8. "extremely aggressive under any prodding of his past." i would call this a flaw, maybe very defensive. does he have anger issues? that could be a flaw too. he seems just generally a prickly person.
9. "He must always, always, be strong for the entire group. He will not allow himself a moment of exception." this might be too selfless - flaw maybe? idk.
10. fav. possession: is there anything that stuck with him for longer than another?
11. there are too many weapons for him to be good at all of them - does he just have basic knowledge on the use of various categories of weapons? if so, at 18 how did he get all of this knowledge?
12. "(Ruka is the reincarnation of Tsubaki)" put this in names as well! it makes a lot of sense and that's a cool idea
13. "ment" –> meant
14. so if he cut the prince how did the prince not die? did he miss?

so that's all! he's really well developed, these are all just suggestions you could take for a grain of salt if you want. great job!

@Syguy20132
so for Clownface:

1. why is age N/A?
2. rainbow would be accurate for hair color - is it a wig tho?
3. body type - try lean.
4. more identifying marks! if he's a clown, that should definitely be an identifying mark.
5. "He's a homicidal maniac.
   Angry outbursts (easily angered/annoyed)" so based on his motivations, i would say "sadistic personality" is probably a flaw (or it could go in personality, or both). also, just put easily angered/annoyed and maybe "lashes out easily", or "easily provoked", or just "anger issues". is he temperamental?
6. more personality! villains need to have nuances and be developed just as much as protagonists.
7. notes - that is disgusting, but probably an identifying mark.

for George Wintergrean:

1. "George is the man that summoned William. He provides William with a kill-list." so who is william, and is george a side character or is he central to the story?
2. "Mr. Wintergreen" or mr. wintergrean?
3. motives: revenge for what?
4. more flaws! personality flaws, specifically - while perverted is kind of a personality flaw, it's something that's fairly easily fixed if the person recognizes it. give him something harder to change.
5. hobbies - more pls. what does he do in his free time?
6. personality! what kind of person is he? e.g. what about him would cause him to think summoning a demon to kill a list of people would be a good idea?
7. fav. weapon - what. how. why.
8. i think killing someone would normally give the perpetrator a life sentence, so not sure how he got out at 50-60. did he do it under the premise of self-defense so he wasn't charged for 1st-degree murder?
9. more on early life. give him a full timeline/history. what events turned him into the person he currently is?
10. how is he rich if he's been in prison? might be a good thing for history/background.

so that's all for now! hmu if you want me to critique them again later!