okay so i don't know if you wanted me to tell you my opinions and ideas but here goes. Overall there are some interesting and great character ideas. Her style is interesting which i both like and dislike. "Not annoying everyone around her while still being able to work off all her energy" in my opinion is not a very strong motivation and it makes me think she won't do anything really in whatever story you put her in. you could also use some more explanations as to what "Main character in the second tier of stories and her names mean. for example do they have any special meaning to her family or the story. Now this last point is purely opinion but i just don't see her as a complete working character. she just feels like a collection of ideas thrown together. she doesn't seem like a character who people can connect with on a very deep level. also having her fears as what she does regularly or at least what appears regularly doesn't makes sense to me because she is just set up to fail. sorry if this was harsh but it just feels to me like you are trying to do to many things at once.
Deleted user
Okay, thank you
Deleted user
ok @TheMerpyDerpy
For Gwenyth:
add more identifying marks. i almost always use this tip: if they were in a group picture, how would you recognize them?
i like that you've used the "ectomorph" body type to describe her, but add more about what shape she is. is she a rectangle? an hourglass? does she look unhealthy? stuff like that.
105 pounds is just a tiny bit slim for someone her height. i know ectomorphs are a bit lean anyways, but she's almost 10 pounds underweight.
"Can do anything another person can do, just by touching them. This includes physical traits and superpowers. " this is a tiny bit confusing. does she have to keep touching them to use their power? what physical traits does she gain (strength, speed etc)? if she doesn't have to continue touching them, how long can she use their powers? i love that idea though.
"and tends to put up facades, and pretends to be what people expect her to be, instead of how she actually is." this is kind of redundant, and i don't really understand what people expect her to be. does she change herself differently for each person? maybe give an example for one of the facades, but also tell us what she's really like when she isn't pretending to be someone else. i don't know if she's nice, mean, selfish, selfless, anything else, just that she's ambitious and fake (but not in a mean way).
hobbies - training what. her power? same for studying, and why does she enjoy studying/training so much? as for the Nobles, who is she hanging out with and why is that a hobby?
grappling can mean a lot, like wrestling or using a grappling hook. explain
so mimicking voices is a talent - wouldn't that go in with her power? unless she's not talented with her power i don't think you have to put that in a separate category, unless she's better at mimicking voices than anything else included.
prejudices - kind of confused. do you mean "people who don't want to put any effort into what they want"? clear it up a bit.
"She puts up facades when she feels tht to reach her goals, she has to be a different person, which results in her becoming almost like a completely different person." bit of a mouthful. still, why does she think that? maybe the reason she does that could be the flaw, because changing herself (slightly) is not necessarily a bad thing. people do it all the time - for example i'd act differently if i had an interview with an important figure than i would with my friends. as well as this, ADD MORE FLAWS.
motivations are good, but did she look up to her (older/younger) brother or did he look up to her? maybe add one or two more motivations.
mannerisms - i don't think it's really possible to regulate your sentence length, because it depends on what others are saying. how does a noble talk? with good vocabulary/grammar?
wolves don't actually fight very often, they have a pack hierarchy that they follow. sometimes they will fight, but not often "fight for the top".
"out of habit" why habit? has she been using it a lot?
background - what turned her into the person she is today? basically her history. how/why is she a noble?
"9th" what does this mean? 9th level? 9th grade? what is the top education level in your world? if she didn't reach the top, why?
the notes part was a nice addition, but i barely knew her twin existed. maybe add some ways Emil influenced her or was there for her in different categories.
For Emil:
not sure how a hood could hide a black scar of that placement.
again, more identifying marks, though his scar is definitely a good one.
again, make his body type clearer - what does he look like?
tousled, great, but if he doesn't cut it much, what is the length? does he have split ends? does he wash it much? stuff like that.
he is really underweight. like 20 pounds underweight. why?
so his power is a bit confusing. does he release it onto the surrounding molecules and what effect does this have on his target? really cool idea though i love it omg
personality - more about him!! what makes him himself? like i said above, is he nice? mean? selfish? selfless? neutral good personality can describe a lot of different people.
not sure how walks in the forest can really be a hobby, but you could probably put that he enjoys it (and why does he enjoy it?). also, how is animal taming a hobby and how does he tame them? what animals does he tame?
u don't really need to abbreviate photographic memory
wouldn't really say high pain tolerance is a talent. maybe its part of his personality.
prejudices - why, and what kind of bullies?
cool flaw but how, and why? it's pretty difficult to "lose sight" of what one is fighting for. do you mean he gets discouraged easily? and add more flaws.
what about his sister motivates him?
mannerisms - how does he treat people who are of higher and lower rank than him, and how does he treat people he's never met and people he's known forever?
so again, what do you mean "out of habit"?
so again with the background, it's basically his history. what turned him into the person he is?
how has he gotten the crow to follow him? did he give it shiny things? also, i don't really think it's that easy to tame a whole bunch of wild animals and have them stay in the forest. if you give a fox one (1) piece of food it will show up outside your door every day for the next 6 months.
so that's all! they're pretty good right now, but add some more details. you can almost never have too many details. almost.
why is his last name hyphenated? so never mind i saw that but maybe just add the second name to relieve some confusion
he's a bit underweight, so why? also, he's pretty tall for 16. maybe also add why, unless there isn't a reason
if he's not necessarily human/or he's half-human, just put that. not sure why you would say "possibly" unless you yourself don't know (but that's fine too lol)
body type - if he's lean but muscled he'll be way heavier than 60 kilos. muscle weighs more than fat.
identifying marks - what kind of tattoo is it? what does it look like? what color is it? this is just for if you stick with that idea. also, ADD MORE. i constantly say this but what would make him stand out in a picture? how would you recognize him in a crowd?
always has a book - do you mean he carries it around? i said this for the last critique as well (lol) but how does he treat people who are of higher or lower rank than him, and how does he treat people he's never met versus people he's known forever?
trying to make a difference in/on what - the world? people? and why?
why is he blunt? and do you mean his feelings are hurt easily and "doesn't" do well with being put down or vice versa? i kind of get what you mean, but a lot of this is kind of unnecessarily wordy.
so if he's prideful, i have a hard time believing he will give up if he's alone.
"he has prejudices against rich and popular kids because he hates people who bully him. They are usually the ones who do this. he also as prejudices against religious people because most of the time they also bully him." maybe just say "He is prejudiced against rich and "popular" kids, as well as those who are devoutly religious, stemming from the fact that those who bully him mostly fit these categories."
musical prodigy or intellectual prodigy? sounds like a musical one but just clarify. is there anything else he's good at?
"plays piano violin and cello, plays chess" sounds like you're describing his hobbies again. change the tense if you mean he enjoys it as a hobby
i like the personality description, but be a bit more detailed. if everyone with that personality was just that personality type, they'd all be the same. what makes him an individual?
bisexual and homo-flexible are different things, so maybe go with whatever he likes to identify himself as.
favorite food - just say austrian food. add the raclette thing into hobbies.
capitalize author's name and explain why.
are the blades on either end? details.
why does he like cats, and what is his favorite one?
why "possibly welsh". you created him, put what you want. if you're undecided about something, don't put it until you're sure.
"He has no prior magically training at the start." what does this mean. do you mean he has no prior magical training but started at the beginning of Year 9?
"Rafe is the eldest out of him and his younger brother Sebastian who is two years younger. " very redundant. say he has a brother, sebastian, who is two years younger than him.
the country part is a bit redundant too. just say they lived in a house in rural victoria
why was he bullied?
add some more stuff about later in life. what made him the person he is?
put the cat's names with their breed so you don't have to restate them,,
so his blood type is really rare that's cool
anyways that's all. i think he's a pretty good character but could have some edges smoothed out, and you restate quite a lot of stuff when you write it, so that's just a thing you could keep an eye on if you want
good luck!
Deleted user
hey @othyrword
i love her name omg.
she's a bit overweight, why? is it muscle or fat?
so do you mean wiccath as different from today's witches (wiccans)?
so looking at her body type i would say make her just a bit lighter, as the average weight for a 5'4 female is anywhere from 112-136. maybe make her more like 145-ish if she's got that kind of figure.
so does she have a lot of the shorts/crop tops? i like the details in this though.
i feel like running her hands through her hair is probably something that would happen anyways, regardless of if she's bored or not, but that's just me.
"Not annoying everyone around her while still being able to work off all her energy" so i feel like without knowing the story it's kind of hard to tell, but how does this motivate her for her role in the story?
loses interest in "everything" - what do you mean everything? and why does she randomly stop talking to people?
for "crafting technique", do you mean like a type of craft? like drawing vs. felting or smth like that?
so i like her personality, but just a few things: a, why does she snap at people? b, "She's impulsive and very in tune with her emotions, which can lead to her lashing out for no reason. " i would say her emotions are a good reason/causation for lashing out, but maybe she just doesn't really know how to control the intensity of her emotions and therefore how she reacts to them.
so for the depressive slump, why? is she clinically depressed or does she just lose motivation because she can't find anything interesting?
"hurting other people because she forgets to talk to them or accidentally offends them and can't tell how to apologize," based on what you've said she does seem to accidentally offend them, randomly push them away, and not know how to apologize, so i wouldn't say this is a good fear. if she was afraid of hurting them with her actions she'd probably do something about it, which i can't see her doing from the info you've given.
ok so you've done a pretty good job! i like the character!
i also suggest maybe adding a bit of background so others can get to know her, but she's still great.
Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I like to respond to feedback because i want people to have the best understanding they can of my characters and so people can correct me on why i have done something with my character if that makes sense. Okay so starting from the top.
1 Sorry about the hyphenation i just haven't come up with his second name. apologies a lot of this is notes that I forgot i had written and hadn't corrected if that makes sense. the notes apply to a lot of your critiques so bear with me.
2 So the weight was just an error in my judgement sorry about that. The height however in my town is pretty common even for 15 yr olds so that is why he is so tall and because i want him to start in the area.
3 Yeah this is another of the notes thing. i haven't 100% decided and the note was there for me more than anyone else sorry.
4 Again this was just an error in my judgement i will change that.
5 so with his tattoos or tattoo depending on what i decide i haven't 100% decided so if you have an ideas that would be great. i was thinking along the lines of runes of some kind sorry if i am being to uncertain.
6 As far the bok goes it is kind of an exaggeration but yes he carries one around in his bag most of the time. how he treats people is not really influenced by peoples rank more how they treat him and their views. with his personality i meant to add more before i asked people to critique but it slipped my mind.
7 the trying to make a difference is in the world but he starts with the people around him. sorry i didn't specify again one of my notes. apologies again.
8 i am in the process of rewording that paragraph but i forgot to put it in again before i asked people to critique but thank you for the ideas on who to phrase it.
9 what i am trying to say is his pride is hurt more if people are around when he fails so this makes it easier but not easy to admit defeat when he is alone.
10 again i was in the process of rewording but thank you for the idea on how to phrase it i like it.
11 yes he is a musical prodigy but he is also quite smart intellectually just not a prodigy.
12 sorry about the tense of the words as i said earlier i needed to check it before hand but i was very tired.
13 with his personality i was once again in the process of adding more to his personality but it didn't save unfortunately.
14 okay so with his sexuality i agree i should have made it clearer. what i meant was he is homo-flexible but identifies as bi because he believes labelling himself gay ignore a piece of himself if that makes sense.
15 sorry again phrasing. what i meant was especially when it is cooked on the raclette but adding it to hobbies is a great idea i will do that.
16 silly mistake. apologies and why he loves them is for their LGBT+ representation. he also likes the story and world but that is a big part of the reason why.
17 the blades are on both ends and once again haven't decided but have ideas.
18 he likes cats because they take care of themselves, they don't bark and he just finds them more calming and loving than a dog but he doesn't hate dogs.
19 okay for two reasons. one i don't know if i want him to speak welsh and two i want him to travel a lot and i want him to make use of the languages he has and if he is speaking those languages or someone is speaking them to him i want to know more about the language and how to speak it.
20 when i said start i meant star of the story. i knew what i was talking about so it didn't occur to me that people would get confused because i didn't check over it beforehand.
21 wooops i change who his brother was in my head but not on the sheet. also once again i am very wordy a lot of the time so thank you for seeing that.
22 i agree mostly. once again i am just being wordy i am sorry about that. however the reason i said property is because i want him to live on some acreage.
23 he was bullied because he was a bit of a nerd and a bit different because he was friends with the girls instead of the boys.
24 yes i agree i need to add more thanks for picking that up.
25 again me being kind of wordy thanks for picking up on that.
26 yeah i wanted him to have an interesting blood type to go along with his magic not that they really connect but maybe that is something i could explore.
Thank you so much for your feedback i really appreciate it even if my feedback makes it seem like i don't. also sorry it is so long i didn't expect me to go so in depth.
Deleted user
lol glad i could help! my suggestion would be to put a lot of that in your actual character description (obviously avoiding the general 'you' or 'I') so that you don't have to respond, but you do you :)) good luck!
Can you critique this character? Keep in mind, I’m writing this for me so if some things aren’t explained it may be because it isn’t important to me to explain it.
Deleted user
ok Darkblossom
so i did my best! i critiqued it a bit like i would normal characters so just disregard anything that you don't want to listen to lol
so i know a lot of people like to add semi-unnatural markings to cats when writing fiction stories about them, but personally i would be more inclined to make them a more natural shape/color (e.g. blue-grey stripes) though this could be personal preference.
sort of relating to the above, if you're trying to make it super accurate, i don't really know if cats would know what glitter is. i might be more inclined to say something like sparkling or shimmering (because those are descriptors), but again it's up to you
you say her "unique" ability. does that mean she shares other abilities with others of the magic trio? list them all! also, what exactly is the mega healing light? is it just a healing light that she can use to heal others'/her own wounds? elaborate.
her personality is pretty good, but make it more in-depth. deep down, is she truly happy or is she a bit sad? does she have an internal conflict? what rubs her the wrong way? stuff like that. the little details can actually help you (not just others) get to know your character better.
hobbies - what else? what does she do when she can't run/race?
very good at magic - what kind? you've stated before that she has unique abilities and is good at teleportation. maybe you could shift the latter to the talents section.
prejudices - add some more, if she has any. it is definitely understandable why she would dislike those kinds of people/cats, but add any sweeping generalizations she may have made to this category. if she doesn't like a certain group for a reason that might only apply to some of them, add that.
so flaws: instead of the first part, just say she's a bit reckless. might just be easier to say. also, being passive-aggressive is very different from "finds ways to get back at you" - passive-aggressive is more of an in-the-moment descriptor, when she is arguing with someone for example, whereas the last part might suggest she is revengeful as well as passive-aggressive.
so for motivations, if she goes on a quest or journey or some path on which she will grow as a character, why should she? what will motivate her to do so? i don't think defending her friends would necessarily mean the same thing as protecting them, which might be a stronger motive in that scenario.
what occupation does Sparkling Creek have? are they a fighter? what exactly is Glitter Moon training to be?
so when i read politics i kind of understand the above, but maybe you could put "training to be a future leader" under occupation instead of politics. i'm not entirely sure cats have politics. if there are separate groups (which the section suggests) which group does she lean more towards believing in an argument? that could be her political views.
what does the basic schooling teach the Spirit Kits?
i like the drawing :3 it's cute
anyways that's all! she's a good character and obviously you don't have to follow up with any of the above if you don't want to. nice work!
Thanks for the critique! The point is they aren’t a lot like normal cats, mostly just in basic anatomy. A unique ability is a special power that every Spirit Kat has, and it is always different in some big or small way. Thanks for the help a lot, I need to figure out ways to make my characters more complex!
Can you critique my character? I'd like to get better at building personalities so if you could help and say everything that comes to mind that would be great. Invalid Character
Deleted user
ok so!
role: i think assassin is more of an occupation. role is like, is she the protag? the antag? a side character? stuff like that.
maybe explain how she got the scars before where they are, because i was a bit confused as to why they were "earned". normally scars are "gained", and even that's being positive. they aren't a good thing. i love how you've written that in though, but maybe go for a bit more of a concise explanation and add some more identifying marks in!
"A dishonor amount assassin's only those who have failed and returned in shame are buried. " i'm confused as to what this means. also, the sentence/explanation is getting a bit long at this point, so maybe just put some explanation in the Notes category.
"Hourglass
thin
athletic
muscled" those don't go together. i get maaaybe hourglass if it's genetic, but if she's an assassin she's going to be strong and muscled and thin is not a descriptor for those who are muscled.
hair style: wouldn't she keep it up in a pony tail if she's "on the job"?
she's a bit underweight for her body type… i see this a lot. muscle weighs more than fat. if she's muscly, she'll weigh more than expected but be quite healthy.
so for personality, i understand what ESTP-A is, but others might not. explain it a bit and add some details. she's not going to be cookie-cutter perfect and fitting that personality type in every way.
that's quite a lot of hobbies. how does she have time for them all?
"nationalism
classism
smart vs less smart" clarify it a bit. what about them makes them prejudices for her? why are they her prejudices?
if she's received the kind of rigorous training expected for an assassin, i kind of doubt she has that many flaws. she would probably have had them groomed out of her extensively. especially "flirt
hard
hypocritical". how is she hypocritical? what does hard mean?? if she's an assassin why is she flirting at all???? and audacious. she almost certainly would not be.
"the challenge
glory seeker
peace seeker" what challenge. also, she's an assassin why would she seek peace and if she actually does, why would she become an assassin?
"Crosses arms across chest when trying to appear alarming" i would personally say this shows more disinterest than clasping the hands behind the back. it basically means lack of tolerance or annoyance. to appear alarming, i would say "glaring daggers" or shifting her weight and changing her attitude to a more threatening one.
"Taps or drum fingers when impatient or rocks back and forth on heels in private
bits lip when unsure " so it depends what kind of training she received, but assassins will know how to control this stuff. if they're infiltrating some place they are going to know exactly how to act and know what to do if something goes wrong. the only reason i'm saying this is i don't entirely know if she drums her fingers and rocks back and forth only when in private or she drums her fingers in public and only rocks back and forth when in private.
"She was confronted at 15 by cloaked man telling her to follow him or not the choice was hers. Sophia followed him not because she wanted to escape her life but because she was curious" this is a bit confusing. at first i thought you meant he told her to follow him and that the choice wasn't hers. and you haven't mentioned background before that so i don't know why she'd just abandon everything to escape her life (what was it like).
"He led her to the Assassins guild where she stayed for the next 5 years out of 50 students 8 graduate the others having been killed or captures for spying or attempted assassination by the law enforcements of different countries" bit run on, just a heads up, cuz it was just a tiny bit hard to decipher.
so for education, you said she was taken at 15. that means she must have had some sort of public or private education before that. was she attending high school?
so that's all. she's pretty good, but depending on what kind of assassin training she received its hard to tell how much of that personality would still be there.
good luck!
Hi! I'm working on a novel and this is my main character. Be as harsh as you need, (I'd really like to make her believable) and thank you so much!!
Deleted user
hiiii!
here you go!
main - what? protag? antag? i can kind of get that she's the protag, but still. you never know who might not!
more identifying marks. maybe to help with concision just say "an accidental injury when she was little."
"Body type of someone who doesn't eat 3+ times a day; but still gets enough and has muscle tone. Her bone structure is somewhat prominent" so you've made it more accurate than some other disasters i've seen, but still, if she's muscled, you're going to see the muscle. she may not look like her job requires a lot of heavy lifting but still looks strong. i can do 40 push ups and while i may be petite, i have the arm muscles to prove it.
"but gets some pink in the summer more than the winter (despite her country being hot all year)" what does this mean? i'm confused. does she get pink in both the summer and the winter and is it different from her tan? why is that "despite her country being hot all year"?
i'm not even sure if violet is a real eye color. if it is then it's really, really, obscenely rare. what are the chances that she has it and why should she? what makes it important in your story for her to have a rare eye color?
135 is really small for someone who's job requires heavy lifting. look more at 160-ish. it may seem quite light, but i say this every time, muscle weighs more than fat.
very detailed personality!! thank you for adding the details other than just the letter personality type!
add some more hobbies! what does she do when she can't do pottery?
"knife skills" what knife skills. like close-combat fighting or cooking?
i think pride isn't a flaw, but being prideful is. also, "Calls herself a "realist", but leans more toward pessimism most cases." wouldn't really call pessimism a flaw unless it's debilitating to herself or others.
if her motivation is money, would she perhaps be greedy?
and bragging rights. does this mean she is a bit arrogant or views herself as better than others?
why do her eyes flash? does she have powers?
if her motivation is money, i find it a bit hard to believe that she would give away something for (even if it is her favorite) food. if the parts she finds are valuable, she'd probably be able to get 4 times the amount of mykre for the amount of money she gets.
background - ok, but what turned her into the person that she is today other than her (unknown!) history?
so that's all. she's pretty good! i love how detailed her personality is. however, i'd watch out for the cliche on her backstory. good luck!
@InstaOnly
Yo, I don't know if you're already working on critiquing a few characters for others but I would greatly appreciate some criticism to see what I'm doing right or wrong! I want to see what someone who is seeing the character for the first time thinks so I can have an unbiased opinion. She's a big part of my story so don't hold back on mentioning stuff or saying if I'm even using the layout right. Heads up, it's a fantasy character! :D Invalid Character (This is my first time making something public so I'm sorry if the link ends up not working.)
Hi, I need a critique on my new MC for my next book. Would you mind doing a critique on her?
Deleted user
Aight @IOnlyHave1Project:
aw yisss i love fantasy
ANYWAYS!
"Crea" by whom/why? i don't really see a correlation between the nickname and her actual name.
"(This is used in a mocking or friendly way depending on the person and manner in which used)" don't really think you need to add this. ur choice tho!
2.5 another note pertaining to the above, "sister" and "old friend" could be just implied through the way you write the story, so you don't necessarily need to put that in the other names category. like i said, its ur choice!
"unless future events call for it" this is kind of just me wondering but what does this mean? does it mean when you write the story? in which case i would recommend just adding it so you as the author can get a better sense of her actions and general character.
so her tail is a tiny bit confusing. maybe say similar to a lion's tail. lions basically have long tails with a tuft of fur on the end. however, if she's a kitsune, then wouldn't her tail be similar to that of a fox? you've also said she shape-shifted to a humanoid feline. foxes are more related to canines, and i think they are vulpines, though i could be wrong. you could just say she's a vulpine humanoid.
her body type is pretty detailed and makes sense with her weight. nice job! just one thing tho, i'm sure she has some muscles. if so, maybe put that in too!
more identifying marks. what makes her stand out in a picture (other than being. a fox)? what makes her different from others? how would someone find her in a crowd? stuff like that.
mannerisms are really good too, but how does her magic act up? what exactly does it do? also, relating to this, her age might help understand why she does stuff like this, but that's just me. and why is she not quite up to date with the latest slang?
motivations: "puts more responsibility than necessary" on herself? you didn't clarify. also, has she only come to know her friends because of their hardships? i don't really believe that. if she wants to protect them because they've already been through some hardships, that's a bit different, so put that.
"others betraying or knowing too much about her" so these are two entirely different things and seem to deserve a little more than one snippet of a sentence. address them separately. why is she so worried about them betraying her? if by chance the two do relate to one another, how would betraying her be similar to knowing too much about her? why does she hide stuff? things like that.
if she "won't pick a fight but wouldn't enjoy the company" of someone like that, it's not quite a prejudice. a prejudice is an unfounded hate for an often wrongly generalized (on the individual's part) group of people. if it's a prejudice, it's a prejudice, but adding the above just doesn't make it seem like a prejudice. also, it's totally understandable to dislike someone like that. give her a real prejudice!
"She's gotten good at doing tricks with her magic, as she messes with it whenever she's bored. " what kind of magic tricks?
i don't think you need to add "claiming to have". she either has or she hasn't. "claiming to have" would be if you're writing this from the perspective of another character who doesn't know (probably like. first or third person limited lmao)
"The magic she is skilled in is illusion magic, though she also has a knack for knowing the time." so put this up by the magic tricks part, unless its different; but it still doesn't really make sense to separate them.
if she messes with her magic when she's bored, it's a hobby! add that in! also, "She sketches in her notebook for magic purposes, may be seen flipping through an old journal"what magic purposes? and what do you mean "may be seen"? does she have an old journal she likes to flip through, and what is it of?
"While she is genuine with any want she shows in being your friend, it becomes apparent throughout her arc she's is a liar. " the sentence structure makes it seem that she doesn't genuinely want to be one's friend. if that's true, add "looks genuine". if it's not, maybe put the liar part first and then the genuine part. also, if she's a liar, that's a flaw!
"Ori may love having friends or family to protect but she is generally nervous about others knowing anything besides the basics of who she is and will prevent others from getting to close to her. " this is just a bit confusing. how does she love having people to protect but want to push them away? why does she not like them knowing who she is? it's hard to be friends with someone you don't know much about.
"Oridone will brush off questions about her past or tap/twitch her fingers as a sort of nervous tic. " so this means that she will either brush off the questions or just tap her fingers, ignoring the person. is that true? clarify. also, tapping her fingers is a mannerism i think! (because its something that happens when she talks and stuff.
"Though she does often show her caring nature she can be unbelievably cold or harsh when making tough decisions, displaying questionable morals in some of her choices." if she wants to protect people, i'm a bit confused as to what kind of morals would be questionable. just what kinds of decisions is she making to completely disregard the caring nature and want to protect people?
dang you're an amazing artist h e c c cc
"her second outfit, not bothering to dress up for most events." what is her second outfit? do you mean the wrap shirt? maybe link the two by just saying "see the below" or something similar. also, do you mean joggers as in sweatpants or joggers as in leggings? because sweatpants might get caught on branches or something if she's climbing trees. it kind of depends what kind of story is going on for what kind of clothes she's going to have, so i'm not the best at critiquing this kind of stuff, but if she's somewhere with access to more than two outfits, she'll probably have more than two. you could say those are her favorites, though. idk
anyways that's all! she's an amazing character really, just needs a spot of clarification here and there.
great job!! also i've already said this but that art is really goooood
Deleted user
Thank you sooooooo much @SpoopyPotato !!!! This is so helpful!! ^^
np it's my pleasure!!
Deleted user
Ok @EveningPrimRose:
are the colors in her hair clearly separated or do they bleed into one another like an ombre?
hair style - does she wear it up at all? exactly how long is it?
"the Loners of Evenlee. They have dark power and some have wings that can appear and disappear at will" maybe put this part in notes. but what kind of dark power?
"Thin, top-hourglass body shape, athletic" mostly people who are athletic will not have an hourglass body shape or be thin. they'll have abs and muscles but still look just as great as those with the kind of overused and inaccurate hourglass figure :/
so what are whips wings? i get how you've explained it, but maybe explain it as "her unique wing structure - though similar to the other SoulEater's wings' anatomy, her wings have no feathers and are simply thick, translucent skin stretched between bones" if that's what they're like. just. wording i guess.
also, add more identifying marks!
"She occasionally blinks hard and intensely, giving the illusion that she has trouble concentrating or staying awake." occasionally - like randomly or is it set off by a trigger? and add more. how does she speak? mannerisms are kind of how you talk to people. does she gesticulate a lot? does she talk differently to those of higher/lower status than her? stuff like that.
motivations - forgive me, but i don't quite believe that those could be her only motivations (especially without knowing whom it's for). no one's that perfect. just adding the freedom and equality of ___ would make it more believable.
flaws - clarify! maybe add some more! what would cause conflict between her and another character (only if it's her fault)?
"ourcasting her kin" - kin or race or what? why did they do that? clarify a bit more to make it seem more like a prejudice, though its pretty good right now (she's generalizing a group of people and disliking them for something perhaps not all of them did).
"Despite being a deep-thinker, she usually tends to act before her thoughts appear." depending on the situation, this could be a flaw. is she reckless?
"Although she is a relatively peaceful person, she has proved herself to be a war machine. With her Dead Magic and Creation power combined, she could destroy entire cities. In the midst of battle, she is known to show no mercy." i feel like "merciless" could be a flaw. if she's introverted yet like this, perhaps there's some moral issue here. most introverted/peaceful people i know would be upset if (god forbid) they ever hurt a fly.
So is Evenlee a place or a person? i'm a bit confused by some of the wording from other categories vs. the "Evenlee's ring" thing.
is Wolvic a species or a name? and if she was a slave, how did she have it/how did it escape with her? if she goes on a quest like so many characters do, does it come with her and how?
general question if she has dark powers and wings and can fly and can destroy motherhugging cities how did she accept her role as a slave. how did she even become a slave. never mind i saw the reason
education - advanced what? if she's a slave there's probably not going to be much of an education depending on when she became a slave?
so. uh."Her tribe is outcasted by the Supremes. Everrose sold herself into slavery so her parents could take better care of her little brothers, Aspender and Carpen and unborn baby boy (if Sage becomes a girl later don't add this) Sage (Who was later renamed Clara-Sage, after finding out she was a girl). She is a slave to the Outlanders, working to find Evenlee’s Ring in the mountains around the Outlander's border, where said Ring is believed to be hidden. She used her years in slavery to figure out a flawless plan to escape and return to her family." her tribe of SoulEaters? are the Outlanders looking for the ring or was she (and possibly other slaves) looking for it alone? if she went into slavery to help her parents take care of her brothers/sister, why would she be planning to return to them the minute she left? did she find the ring (cuz its in her possession)? what is its significance? did she return to her family? where is she now? basically, what events led to her current position?
so you put "pet wolvic" in pets and favorite animal. i don't think her favorite animal could be one specific animal, even if it's her pet. if her fave animal is a wolvic, put that in favorite animal along with its description, and just leave "pet wolvic" (and what's its name? gender? things like that) in the pet category.
so that's it. she's pretty good, but some things could still be explained/detailed more. other than that great job!
@InstaOnly
@SpoopyPotato
Aww, thanks about the art bit! I still need to get around to actually finishing a drawing lol. Thanks for pointing out the contradictions, I'm a bit bad at that so it was helpful to have someone point them out! I should have clarified in her history. I did mean the wrap shirt and the jogger are sweatpants, I didn't really know how else to describe how I drew her design and that's a way better suggestion on how to describe the tail. I also didn't clarify the part about being a kitsune and the name Crea because I kept the histories separate before starting to combine them to show the link between. It's her real name and used by the villain that knows this. In fact, I didn't put this in notes just a random fact, I adapted her middle name from another language's word for liar. Sorry if that's still confusing, maybe I should have given you the unfinished bits for that. I was thinking this for more of a comic or series since I'm better at visuals than describing. lol Some of these things I'm already hoping to fix, just didn't want to change the wording on some things while you were critiquing!
Basically I love origin stories so my plot actually centers around one. She's been changed a lot being the first character made for the world so it was really helpful to have someone point out things I can change or scrap that may have been skimmed over. Your suggestions are really helpful and while I didn't touch on everything you suggested I did look at them and will work on the character! I can't thank you enough and I'm sorry for my awful wording XD THANK YOU!
(Edit: Okay. I know people probably aren't looking at this but I'm putting it down anyways. I was looking through some private notes and came across the reason for her being a feline. Basically they shapeshifted into another creature from Japanese folklore called a nekomata which is a cat, though the art may not match up with some features because it's a tad old.)
