forum I'LL CRITIQUE YOUR CHARACTERS!! [STILL OPEN]
Started by Deleted user
tune

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@Kinarymo

@LonelyPotato ayyy ty ty o3o
Tbh,i wrote him in a hurry, right after i came up with him, so he is a little unpolished and like i said, he's my very first ever villain qwq
But on to the questions o3o

  1. I guess you could say his resting face gives him a sly look :0 (i didn't even know the right expression for this qwq)
  2. He isn't exactly a henchman. He is a somewhat independent villain, but he just likes to call his lover "master", even though he was already told he doesn't have to, because no one owns him.
  3. His master liberated him from his previous miserable life, so he feels like he needs to return the favor, showing off his capabilities. And yes, his master is a villain too.
  4. Uuh :0 idk man, i tried :0 he already has like 3 :0
  5. Back when he first met his master, Hiryur viewed him as beautiful due to how much power he had and how much he did for him, while he was just this powerless little thing, with a body that made him look like a weirdo. (also, there was this one time he almost strangled his master to death by accident while he slept by unconsciously wrapping his snake tail around him - and that made him feel awful)
  6. It was already pretty hard finding that one talent for him. :')))
  7. Role-playing kinda way, but it satisfies his wish of being in control of what happens. And yes, it's his big secret
  8. Ok :0
  9. Yep.
  10. I'd say he won't show too many emotions to other people in order to keep his weaknesses hidden, that's why he looks like he's grinning all the time. After all, knowing one's weakness gives you control over them, and being controlled is what Hiryur fears the most. What's great about his legs? He loves them, that's what. He used to have a snake's lower body, so of course he's excited to have legs.
  11. Yes, he is grateful for anything he receives. And when i said he isn't wasteful, i meant it as in, he doesn't beg for his master to buy him things, like a spoiled brat (he'd feel like wasting his master's money that way.) Instead, if he sees something he likes, he won't say anything about it, but his master will buy him the respective thing if he feels like he really wants it (or he can afford it). He just likes receiving gifts lmao
  12. No one likes nosy people asking about their private life. Especially since he's gay. Also, he gets a lot of embarrassing questions, so just the thought of someone asking about his life makes him think back to everything he's been asked before and gets embarrassed.
  13. Isn't being a spoiled narcissistic brat a defect? Ok, he is proud, i will admit that since it makes more sense :0
  14. UwU
  15. Yes. It's a common thing on the internet, why does no one look it up? :0
  16. For his master, i planned him to be an elf, so he would have almost one hundred years behind him. But to make things easier, i'd say his master is currently close in his late 20's or early 30's. Hiryur met him when he was around seven, but didn't feel anything special until he was about 14 to 15. His master knew that making him his lover at that age would count as pedophilia, so he specifically told him to wait until he was at least 18. Besides that, he felt like, if he slept with Hiryur, he would ruin the kid, so he preferred to never have a sexual relationship with him and keep him pure, in a way. After all, Hiryur is just a very big child looking for affection and emotional comfort - in his case, having sex would most likely lead to an unhealthy dependency and possible decay of his relationship with his master.
    I hope i was able to clear some things out for you o3o
    Ty for the critique, it was rlly helpful o3o

Deleted user

@SupernaturalSyGuy
Well, I do appreciate the help, but I do have to say that your remark (though I understand it) was kinda rude. You've looked at some of my other characters, which are in my opinion, quite developed, before. You helped me out with them as well! :-) Critiques are meant to help the writer develop, often further develop their characters, or whatever else the writer wants criticized…. I basically just needed someone to take a fresh look at these two, for I have been stumped with them for a while now. Thanks for looking at them though! You actually helped me see what I need to focus on with them, and made me think of some things for them as well!

ACK SORYR I DIDN'T INTEND TO COME OFF AS RUDE AT ALL AAAAAAAA I'M NOT GOOD AT PEOPLE SORRY IH AVE ZERO (0) SOCIAL SKILLS MY BAD
I SAID TO DEVELOP THEM MORE BECAUSE I CAN'T GIVE GOOD ADVICE IF I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF INFO TO WORK WITH BECAUSE I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHERE SOMEONE MIGHT BE GOING//WHAT KIND OF ADVICE THEY WANT. I CRITIQUE TO HELP PEOPLE WITH CLARIFICATION AND REALISTIC/IN-DEPTH CHARACTERS, MOSTLY.

@Kaloobia

hey @Kaloobia I AM SO SORRY FOR THE INSANE DELAY!!!

  1. make him about 10 ibs heavier for his age/height/body type. he'll definitely have some muscle from dancing! muscle weighs more than fat, and you could easily make him up to 154 ibs without worrying about accuracy.
  2. not really sure what you mean by the hair style.. how does it "sometimes" fall on his forehead?
  3. his skin will probably be much darker given his race. maybe olive with warm undertones or something similar.
  4. good identifying marks, but more if possible. does he have a certain stance or clothing style that he always wears?
  5. "throwing things around in his hands like some kinda football, " you mean tossing from hand to hand? otherwise it seems like he's actually forcefully throwing it and for a dog, that wouldn't be pleasant.
  6. "fighting the demons his parents left him with" metaphorical? why did they leave him with the demons? what were they? what caused him to be left with them because of what his parents did?
  7. changing what for the better? his personality? habits? flaws?
  8. "attributes people liking him to him being part of a boy band" what does this actually mean? i get the next part, but this i don't.
  9. "Taylor Swift Taylor Swift TAYLOR SWIFT " what about this is a hobby. also give him some more. does he enjoy the songwriting he does? in which case it might be a hobby. what does he do when his dogs aren't around and he can't listen to taylor swift?
  10. "now that he truly has the opportunity" he could have lived his life to the fullest by just being grateful for what he had, presumably. maybe he just wants to get out and live freely.
  11. "highly incompatible personalities" … this doesn't really mean anything. people can have incredibly incompatible personalities but still love each other to death (my parents for example, me and my mom for another example). idk i just don't like the idea of people being sorted into "personalities" that supposedly determine everything about them lol. you do you tho
  12. "clashing of personal beliefs" children are very impressionable. if they were brought up in a home that has certain beliefs, chances are they'll have the same beliefs.

so that's all!! so sorry for the delay!!!!!!!

Hey sorry it took so long for me to get back to you!

  1. oh okay!! I'll keep that in mind, my friends and I all have like super unconventional body types and I have very little idea of how it actually works haha, thanks!
  2. Like sometimes when it grows out it'll, like, bounce around and the curls will fall onto his forehead. I'll try to make that clearer!
  3. I actually based a lot of Noah's appearance on a Asian-African-American kid I met who had very light skin, even though her father is super dark-skinned. What I mean is that it's entirely possible. Genes are wack, bro.
  4. Okay!
  5. Haha yeah tossing is better
  6. I'll try to be more accurate, but in the "Background" section.
  7. I'll specify!
  8. I mean, just what it says haha. Like, when you're part of a band it's, like, a group/unit deal, if you want one you need all five of them, and Noah is sometimes (accurately) aware of people getting close to him just so they can get someone else's number from his group. Also, it's not uncommon for people to like boy band members who aren't necessarily talented, or that good-looking or whatever, but because they're a celebrity and part of a boy band their charm is suddenly enhanced: Noah is afraid that he isn't actually hot shit, that people are deluded into thinking that, yada yada it's something very specific to anxiety, probably along the lines of "impostor syndrome" and that I'm basing off my own experiences, but obviously exaggerated bc I'm not a celebrity haha.
  9. Okay, will add more!
  10. /11/12. When I mention that Noah was afraid to qualify his parents as "abusive", I was trying to make a point. Yes, he could have been """"grateful"""", and he tried for a long time, but after about thirteen years he realized that it wasn't benefiting him in the slightest. It's not normal for parents to start yelling at you and telling you how indebted you are to them when you accidentally drop a plate and it breaks. It's not normal for parents to lash out at you verbally every, single, day. It's not normal for parents to constantly tell you that you're wrong, that of course they can yell at you they're your parents but god forbid you yell at them back when it's all too much and you're angry and goddamn you're a teenager with hormones all over the place, and they're pretending like everything they say doesn't slap you in the face, doesn't carry any weight and affect you in unimaginable ways. Yes, people can be incompatible and still get along, but when one of those people holds power over the other, it can turn unhealthy and toxic very, very easily. People have different ways of "loving" each other, and not being able to deal with someone else's way of loving you because you both need different things doesn't make you "ungrateful". As for personal beliefs, I'm going to blatantly disagree with you there: my own mother is a borderline fascist, whereas I am an incredibly liberal democrat. At some point, usually in their tweens/teens, kids start realizing that their parents aren't always right, and this can cause a huge rotation in how they view the world, let alone how they view their parents: when you realize that you're parents are wrong about some things, it can lead you to question everything they have ever taught you, and this either sizzles out and disappears or carries on in the form of "teenage rebellion". We're obviously dealing with a very specific case here, but I think that's all the more reason not to apply "normal" standards to it.
    I'm sorry that go so long but I'm really trying to make my point without coming off disrespectful, or "ungrateful" myself.

Anyway, thank you so much for the critique! And don't worry about taking so long haha, real life ALWAYS takes precedence and I totally get that. Thanks again! (and if you feel like it you can get back to me on my answers to your questions.)

@an-awful-disaster group

@LonelyPotato Thank you so much for the review on my character! I have made revisions accordingly and see that everything you said did in fact flesh out this character much more. I came to you initially to be sure this character was not a Mary Sue, and am so happy that you delivered! Many thanks to you!
-A Happy Reviewed Writer

Deleted user

HEY GUYS, ANNOUNCEMENT!!
i am so so sorry about this but i'm going to have to close this under short notice. some debilitating events occurred recently which have forced me to reconsider/reevaluate my current mental health and safety, and besides that i've had some external forces that all in all have forced me to delete my account.
I'M SO SORRY!! best of luck in your character developments.