forum I'LL CRITIQUE YOUR CHARACTERS!! [STILL OPEN]

Started October 01, 2018 by Deleted user

tune

Hi everyone,
I'm super bored and for some reason I enjoy critiquing characters, so I'll critique yours if you want!!
Quick disclaimer, none of this is meant to offend you or anyone in any way, this is just advice!! Take it as a grain of salt if you'd like as it is your character and you don't need to change anything if you don't want to!! :))
An added note, no one is obliged to respond if you don't want to, but feel free. If you respond, try incorporating the response into your character as then you don't need to.

No holds barred ^^

YAY FIRST CUSTOMER (lololol)
so i did as you said, no holds barred!
i don't mean to offend you at ALL with any of the below, but here you go!

1. how does her hair fall if she just brushes it straight back? if one has long hair it doesn't just stay how it's brushed. does she just do one sweep back with the brush? in which case it might be frizzy on the sides or knotty and messy at the back. also, how long is it?
2. i don't think someone can be "thin for her age". it's more based on height, and she seems about average based on her height.
3. how does her ability change her eye color and/or why?
4. bonus: what kind of scars are they? battle scars? self-harm scars?
5. how does her trying to stand still lead to her shaking slightly? why does she try to stand still? what is the desired effect? *added note: i love the idea of her mimicking others' personalities.
6. how is her mind broken and how does she know? (never mind i saw this in her history)
7. i'm not sure how this Zatoi managed to get someone so stubborn to be quite so loyal to him. if she's stubborn she will have her own beliefs, and if he crosses those beliefs, she will definitely not be loyal to him (this is from experience with a stubborn friend).
8. "prejudiced against"
9. "Carissa is an avid reader. She's great at checkers (though surprisingly terrible at chess) and she is inadvertently adept at concealing her emotions." (some grammar errors). also, how is she "inadvertently" adept at concealing her emotions? from my experience it takes a lot of practice.
10. i wouldn't put "avid reader" in talents. that's probably more of a hobby. "fast reading" might be a talent.
11. i don't think she can be a stern athiest. i think i understand - does it mean she is quick to dismiss an invitation to join a religion?
12. her favorite food is a bit weird. do you mean she likes frozen juice? just put that.
13. how does she create a weapon? is it part of her ability? does she not use her ability?
14. if she's completed high school, is she in college? where is she on that matter?
15. your history is quite detailed. it begins as a quick run down and ends as a novel. just a heads up
16. asexual is not the same as aromantic. she could still want to be together with Cameron, but she just doesn't want sex. that's basically what asexual is.
17. how is it "implied" that she is molested?
18. don't say "she hurts herself and she can do anything". it's not true, especially based on the next statement.
19. there isn't much on her personality. there's some flaws and mannerisms, but i haven't actually got much on her character. based on her background, i would say she's probably subdued and a bit aggressive, but that's just what vibe i'm getting from what i'm given.

all in all, pretty good! definitely add some more details about her personality though. keep it up :))

Heccyes!
1- Yep, she just flings it back there and lets it fend for herself. Yep, I should explain thats its generally a mess
2-True, ill change it to just thin
3- The ability changing Carissa's eye color thing is more of a thematic thing than anything else. Lemme practice summarizing. When she uses emotional pain to trigger her ability to save her childhood bestie it essentially drains her of those emotions. and when she's finally redeemed, the color returns to her eyes. blah blah etc etc
4- Self harm because cutting the back of her forearm is her instinctive way to go to get some quick pain.
5- She tries to stand so perfectly still, which is, without proper training, impossible. So she comes off shaky. nice!
6-Oh wow you actually read the history! I am sorry, I am going to trim that down lmaoo
7- thats why its a flaw, because her loyalty to him only leads to her death. I should explain that by stubborn I meant in defense, her and Cameron fight in 33/34 and she's too focused on fixing herself she almost kills him.
8-oof I see
9- Another thing i should have explained differently, as you know, she is aware that she is damaged in some way. She doesn't know that while shes talking she comes off more like a dead fish than human.
10-True, I'll move it.
11- By "stern" I mean she's strongly against the idea of a higher power.
12- Yes, ill fix that
13- She is able to create solid objects with her ability yep.
14- The novel takes place a few months after she graduated. She dies 40 chapters in so, she doesn't get the chance to go to college. Unless she wouldve enrolled ahead of time.
15- Yeah, ill fix that
16-Oh, I should change that to aromantic and asexual.
17- Because The scene is left open-ended, only her and Cameron know. She was, if you're wondering.
18- Yes I see
19- That;s a quite accurate vibe lol

Thanks for the no holds barred critique! It was very helpful and insightful!

no problem! glad i could help :))

https://www.notebook.ai/plan/characters/621489#powers_1535093979_panel Hey this is a fanfic orginal version of Peter Parker.

OH YAY ANOTHER THING TO DO
(((I'm a huge spider-man geek,, so this was kinda hard to critique but i tried)))

Short messy wavy and thick: this is a bit of a mouthful. At least add some commas, or maybe change it to "short but thick; naturally tousled." or something like that.
ok so i would say for one thing, is it Human Mutate or Human Mutant? Because mutate is a verb unless its an actual canon thing in which case i'm sorry
on his motivations, i'm not sure if the "outsider kid" really fits in that category. As for selfish and greedy, in what way? what does he want? what does he get? how does his selfishness/greed motivate him and what is the result (does he win/lose because of it)?
another thing, you say that once he gets his powers he becomes greedy, but i wouldn't say later that that's necessarily misguidance - i think its more lack of better judgement or ability to deal with the responsibilities that come with his power. misguidance is (mostly) when someone causes another person to think something that isn't necessarily true, or the lack of a person can cause the same thing.
i'm a bit confused by the following: "He's stubborn in the way he doesn't like asking for help too much but when he's Spider-Man he doesn't mind partnering up because he views that as a form of friendship not charity." charity is him giving his help to others, but the way you've written the sentence implies that he doesn't like needing to get help for himself.
i'm not sure "demeaned" is the right word for the bullying sentence. its definition can sometimes be ambiguous, but its ok.
watch out, you have some run-on sentences and grammar errors.
i don't think you can say he has straight A's in every science class, because straight A's implies he has A's in every class. instead say he has never got below an A in any science class. That might just be a bit easier to read
this sentence: "Peter enjoys photography and takes pleasure in capturing expert photographer level photos." instead say "Peter enjoys photography and is able to capture expert-level photos" or something similar. He can't really take pleasure in capturing expert level photos because it's kinda hard to tell what a photo's going to look like unless you stage it perfectly. just be careful with that one
when talking about his religion (or anything really), avoid saying "I" or anything like that. just a tip
what circumstances cause him to suddenly switch to following the ideals?
be more detailed with the background! include his history! what led up to his mutation, how his parents died, etc.. just add what led up to his current circumstances of living!
the notes are quite detailed but if you want to make it generally pleasing to read add some varied sentence structure (e.g. commas, semicolons, etc. avoid using "I").
^ Use the same thing for his powers but i absolutely LOVE ur idea omg

Thx so he's basically normal spidey with some slight twists. Like the webs and his motivations. He teams up with Sandman to rob banks for Tombstone. The idea is that Tombstone is making the formula that makes him invulnerable and he needs cash. So he's looking for some stealthy people. Spidey finds Sandman they pair up and work for him. They each get cuts so Spidey can support him and May and Sandman can help his daughter. I wanna spend some time on his friendship with Harry. When I say misguided it's because Ben never got to tell him "With Great Power comes Great Responsibility" so he has to figure it out by himself which leads to him starting off as a criminal. By the end he'll make his turn into the hero we all know and love and he'll have his main suit by then.

Basically him being a crook leads to Aunt May disowning him and him ruining his relationships with the people around him.

ooooh i like that idea!! you've done a very good job on him though so those are just suggestions.

Can you do this girl, please? Zoe Grace Iero

OKAY SURE
so she's really well developed but here are a few suggestions:
i don't think you should put "girlfriend" as a role because some people might think you're insinuating that she's just a side character. i don't personally believe you meant it that way but maybe just put that in a different category
i also don't think "zoe" needs to be in other names, just because people wouldn't need to
65 pounds is pretty light, maybe provide a reason for this!
if you've already stated the color you don't need to state it again in the style. However, is it an ombre? is it dyed? clear it up a little!
skull tattoo on her neck? where are the battle scars? also how did she accidentally get hit by a guitar
how does music and her older brother motivate her?
add more in the mannerisms. is there more to her than just energetic and bubbly? what is she like when she's alone?
i wouldn't say tender-hearted is a flaw. overly-emotional is
"Singing, playing guitar, and writing. She loves to sing and play guitar. Her brother taught her how to play guitar. She just picked up writing." a bit repetitive. try just saying "she's talented and singing and playing guitar, which her brother taught her how to do. She also has a knack for writing, a skill she just picked up."
"Very energetic. Very smart but hides it. Very bubbly for an emo. A lot like her brother." why does she hide her intelligence? you haven't mentioned before that she's an emo. what qualifies as an emo? i wouldn't personally say bubbly, but that's just my under-informed butt talking. Clarify what her brother's like.
occupation - is she a student/studying those things or is she past school? if not, say she's a student. you've already stated that those are her hobbies so the point will get across even if her occupation is just student
"Her black and purple guitar and her gold heart necklace." w h y (also what kind of guitar is it?)
monkeys, not monkies
until, not in till
why did she get in fights if she's energetic and bubbly? you'll need to clarify what makes her so easy to fight with in her personality. give a reason. also, if she was little, how did others give her scars? at that age it's pretty hard to hurt someone that badly.
k that's all for now!! she's pretty good.

Just thought up a new baby, can you critique her? Feel free to be as harsh as you need. Sequoia Khatri

ur going to need to make it public! i can't see it rn, sorry!!

Sorry, one sec!

It is done (I hope)

OKAY
SO
is second tier her role in society? clarify if she's the protag or antag or a side character.
maybe make her weight specific. is she unhealthily overweight? or does she just have a lot of muscle mass? (maybe 165-ish).
same with her height - use numbers. for her age, and if she's slightly short, i would say around 5'4.
"Curly as hell and pulled into a steep side part" uhhhh interesting word choice - describe the curls. is it frizzy curls, ringlets, or wavy? and is it natural? and is her side part deep to one side on its own? though pulled may suggest otherwise so i'm dumb
eyes - just say very dark brown. most people should get it
i think it's actually wiccan or just wicca
body type - what kind of curvy? does she have a pear shape or is she an orange? (keep in mind her height and weight when deciding)?
what do you mean by "too-wide" crop tops
also, with the eclectic mess part, do you mean she is edgy or the colors normally don't mix? if so, add stuff like that.
how does she "mess with her hair"
"jettisoning spare energy" do you mean just using it?? that's a bit of a mouthful
"She can't sit still for more than a few minutes and can't stay interested in topics, events, hobbies, or even people." if you mean she can't stay focused on the subject, then that's one thing. in any case, i'm not quite sure what to make of the choice of the word "interested" here
"She treats her first impressions as way more important than they actually are" this is not a prejudice. a prejudice is an unfounded hate of a random generalized group of people.
hobbies - i don't know if someone can have "too many hobbies to count", simply because hobbies are what one does in their free time, and if they have that many, then i'm not sure how they'd do them all
personality - those are some good details, but what kind of person is she? is she kind? distant? stuff like that. also, why does she go into the depressive slumps? is she actually depressed? and how is she pulling herself in 10 different directions at once?
if she fears that she's hurting others by ignoring them, why/how does she push them away?
so for politics does that mean she's easily persuaded to either side or just doesn't really have strong political views?
occupation - is she a student? does she have a job other than her vlogs/online store? is she unemployed? clear that up a bit.
how and why do chickens and foxes remind her of herself.
went to college for how long? and did she get her high school diploma?
so she's really deep, but some aspects were just a bit confusing and (e.g. there were too many parts to the subject), so try and make her personality a bit more concise, but other than that she's great

Cool, thaks so much! Most of this stuff I can work on, but the second teir thing is just how I classify my stories (Which I guess I should explain). The universe she's in has three main series and she's in my secondary one.

Do you mind critiquing mine?! Be as harsh as needed!

Thanks!

i don't have permission! sorry!!

Critique my protagonist, please?

sorry!

Could you critique my protagonist please?

YAY ok
so @AJ

1. name - is her last/middle-if-she-has-one name a mystery or does she not have one? nvm i found it but
2. i don't think people would actually have the patience to say all of her names anyways. maybe put her full name under the "name" category but put "goes by mara instead" or just put mara under other names. people will still understand the effect you're going for.
3. i don't think she'd be mentally 18 if she is actually 170, unless she was like captain america and frozen in ice or something similar.
4. do you mean just small and muscular? athletic could kind of mean anything depending on what kind of exercise she does,
5. do you mean low pigtails for the hairstyle? also put the fact that she has bangs into the hair style part, if not for the color i wouldn't know she had them.
6. "-Her loyalty to her loved ones
   -Her own desires
   -Her goal of reaching Heaven in order to reunite with her sister" how can her loyalty really motivate her? is it just that she wants to protect them or she wants them to stay safe? what are the desires that motivate her?? clarify. just say "reaching heaven." i don't think you need to say "her goal" when "motivations" is already there
7. don't put the positive counterparts of her flaws in the flaws category, put them in personality. then you don't really have to put "slytherin/gryffindor" as you probably won't be able to put that into a story becuase of copyright. just say "Very possessive, stubborn to the point that she knows she will get what she wants, reckless, [not so good at thinking things through is optional if reckless is already there], selfish, quite immature, impulsive, blunt." also, does she mean to be blunt as in brutally honest? in which case yes it's a flaw. if not, maybe say rude without meaning to be, perhaps because she doesn't know better.
   idk how cheerful is a flaw. what do you mean by get on her bad side? if one does so what would happen and why?
   by devoted do you mean almost blinded by love? because there's nothing wrong with being devoted, but if she's so devoted that she will follow them until it leads to her downfall, that might be a flaw. perhaps too trusting, or naive.
8. just say she's good at martial arts. i like the examples, but there's really no need to add fighting. that part is implied.
9. how is she good at cheering people up? is she relatable (but that's not a talent) or does she just know people? clarify a bit and you might need to move it to personality.
10. i'm p sure it's "has ADHD"
11. okay so idk if she can really be childish or quite a lot of the other flaws you've listed if she's already 18 and has had 150-ish years to reflect on these traits. just think abt it a bit i guess
12. so for her education, i want to think she would have had time in between her 150 years of reaping souls to do some learning. i think given her time period though, it might be fairly accurate considering the fact that she was a woman :/
13. what is "the equivalent of 7 years" and why is it not just 7 years?
    so that's all!! she's p good rn, just a bit of clarifying details would be great. good job!

Hey, can you tell me how to improve upon my girl? Sequoia Khatri