forum I'LL CRITIQUE YOUR CHARACTERS!! [STILL OPEN]
Started by Deleted user
tune

people_alt 60 followers

Deleted user

thanks!
so:

  1. her role is a bit confusing. how are support and co-hero different? do you mean sidekick? and if she got turned into a villain later, chances are she will have enough info on the main hero to do some serious damage. i wouldn't say she's "low key" a villain. at least clarify it a bit
  2. ur identifying marks are pretty vague. also, what torture?? add identifying marks other than the scars - what makes her stand out in a crowd/group photo? how does one recognize her (before and after whatever situation she was in)?
  3. "Short, but curvy" clarify more! is she more muscular or does she have a bit of fat (nothing wrong with that, obviously)?
  4. i don't even know if lavender is an eye color. check that out i think. but if it is, why should she have it? is it just protagonist perks?
  5. "Mid length curly bed head look" do you mean curly? frizzy? if she's a hero sidekick, she's probably going to tie it up to avoid it getting in her face.
  6. hair - is it natural or does she dye it?
  7. "Like, 5’2” just say. is she 5'2. also, 155 is a bit heavy, so it leads me to believe that she's less muscular. the only reason i'm wondering about this is if she's an action/crime-fighting superhero then she's going to have a bit of muscle and probably be less curvy. it depends what kind of story she's in tho LOL
  8. "Electrical" manipulation is very different from brain wave manipulation, unless you mean like the electromagnetic radiation manipulation. that includes brain waves.
  9. add more personality! what is she like with new/old friends? how does she act when she's alone/with friends?
  10. what hobby is music? listening to it? composing it?
  11. "She’s good at all of the above, but she also has the ability to manipulate electrical waves/signals/pulses (including electrical brain waves)" k so i don't think you can put this if she's good at. watching tv. and sleeping. and music, whatever that means. also, you've already stated she has the ability, so if she's good at it, say that.
  12. "Not very subtle" what does this mean
  13. "her need to be accepted" by whom and why? why does that motivate her?
  14. "Talks with hands a lot" gesticulates? also, makes crazy faces - why?
  15. background - MOOOOORE. what happened in her history and why did it result in who she is today?
  16. education - you mean up to high school, right? did she get her diploma?

ok that's it. my only advice is to add more details and clarify her! otherwise she's pretty great!

@Overdoneyanoveltropeyesplease

Great! Thank you so much. Some of the stuff you were confused on is stuff that I have more info for in my head, but it’s good to know that I need to make sure it’s clear when I write. It’s also good to know what makes sense to me, but not so much from a different perspective so I can find a way to clearify what I mean. So, thank you so much for your time! ❤️

Deleted user

ok @mellowlynea, sorry it took me so long!
for Eleanor:

  1. her looks, body type, stuff like that all seems accurate. nice job. watch her body type though - don't know how small her shoulders will be if she's muscled. maybe clarify her hairstyle a bit - what does it look like when it's not in plaits?
  2. more identifying marks!!
  3. her mannerisms are good, but remember they are a manner of speaking as well. "She braids her hair every morning to keep it tidy - when she can. " that would be super great clarification for her hair style!
  4. so i always hate critiquing the motivations because i don't know the storyline, but perhaps clarify how "spite, justice, and adventure" motivate her (perhaps for different things).
  5. "and quite moody when she's in deep thought or gets interrupted" though i totally understand that, i would say "moody" isn't quite the word you're looking for in such a specific situation. try "bitter" or just annoyed to be broken from her thoughts.
  6. k so she seems pretty accurate, but for 13 some of the traits seem just a bit. uh. old for her? it depends on what this academy is, because it sounds like some sort of rigorous assassin's academy or something. otherwise, at her age, i wouldn't expect her to know all of those fighting techniques and languages. is she rich? in which case she might have gotten tutoring for them.
  7. so after reading the background i kind of see - but add some dates/ages in there. it's hard for me to tell the timeline. how would a catholic school react to the association learning to fight? and the girls' backgrounds? and how did she learn all the backgrounds? how does she know about her parents?

for Panya:

  1. "A constantly red nose, often rosy cheeks." how? why? add more!
  2. so you've mentioned a few times that she has boyish traits, but i thought you said Min Song was the tomboy. also, if she's a potential love interest, then you may want to describe her as "butch" if that's what you mean she is. not sure how the catholic school would react though.
  3. "Bapized as Russian Orthodox, doesn't spend much time debating religion." so why is she at the catholic boarding school? or that could be just this ignorant athiest talking. i don't know much about religion, sorry.
  4. "slender" this contradicts the first two body type descriptors you've put..
  5. more mannerisms! how does she talk to people? mannerisms are basically behaviors and manners of speaking unique to the individual.
  6. motivations - success on what/whose terms? approval by whom? do you mean what she believes to be morally correct or what would help people (for example the latter might be more inclined to take more extreme routes with less remorse).
  7. "Beneath that she is a sweet girl; her humour is a bit morbid, and often reflects her tendency to think ahead and worry, often seeing the pessimistic side of things" kind of confusing. if you're saying something is beneath a facade, you don't say "sweet girl" because that just upholds the facade. as well as this, not sure if a morbid sense of humor (humour is the verb form believe it or not, i just found that out LOL) can reflect her tendency to think ahead and worry. also, to clear up that last bit (because it's not related), i think you could just say she often sees the pessimistic side of things.
  8. "She trusts easily" contradicts the fact that she's overly cautious
  9. "She speaks in a rather loud, hasty way, lightly accented by her native Russian." that's a mannerism! nice details tho. add just a bit more in personality. you can never have too much!
  10. "grey and white, sneakers," so is this supposed to be together or
  11. all in all watch out for when you say she's "boyish" but have her put up a facade of being a perfect goody two-shoes and stuff.

For Min:

  1. "long, straight, bangs" kind of sounds like her bangs are long and straight, maybe just clear that up a bit :,)
  2. more identifying marks! i say this for literally every critique, but how would you recognize her in a group photo or crowd? (this goes for the previous two characters as well).
  3. "and rarely remembers to clean up the empty cans." do you mean she just throws them on the ground when she's done drinking them? is this in her room? in which case does she do this in public as well?
  4. whatever they're doing, why is she doing it for fun? (motivations)
  5. i would personally put "downright disrespectful to authority figures" in flaws, as that could get her into serious trouble depending on who it is.
  6. what does the "streetfighting scene" and "freerunning scene" mean? just me wondering
  7. LOVE. her personality.
  8. is Lan older or is Xing older?
  9. "allies" is people on her side, "alleys" is like a space between buildings. LOL

so that's all! again, sorry it took so long! they're pretty good, with just a bit of room for nitpicky details. good luck!

Deleted user

This is my first character design, and i just joined this website like 5 minutes ago. She's a little character I drew, and I didn't put in a lot of info bc i'm not finished w her fam:

i can't access her! sorry! if you go into character settings you should see a toggle to make it public. that should do the trick. sorry again!

Deleted user

ok @Caboose:

  1. out of interest, why is another name Orion? it's totally different than Caleb. just wondering!
  2. so he's a bit underweight. why?
  3. "but with his sister and friends he believes he can find family in his friends." just say his friends are his only family. people will understand
  4. "because he never really had that in his own home life with his family" do you mean his family never protected him or he never protected his family and why?
  5. "likes to believe he can save the world like the old heroes" now i don't know the background to your story, but what are the old heroes like, how did they save the world, and why does he want/need to?
  6. so does protecting his sister motivate him? if so, just put that.
  7. "Far too empathetic to the people close to him. " not sure how someone can be too empathetic.
  8. "But when people betray him he takes it personally and finds that hard to forgive." don't we all?
  9. "Caleb hates people who betray his trust" not really a prejudice per se. are there any groups of people he's generalized and hates because of one or two examples? that would be a prejudice.
  10. talents and hobbies - some more please! especially with hobbies.
  11. "a world that hates them" how does the world hate him? watch out for the cliche sad backstory, but obviously it's your choice.
  12. add some more personality. all i know is that he's caring. is he overprotective? is he kind? smart? rude? disorganized? i barely know anything.
  13. "He doesn't follow politics because no matter what side your on they always go too far." this seems like a prejudice!! maybe he dislikes politicians? what made him believe this?
  14. "Because after the age of Heroes the world was broken a bit." how so?
  15. where is his mother during the abuse? do child services exist? do his friends know? what's happened now?
  16. "His father abuses him and his sister because their mother and his wife was killed by Neo-Human terrorists (that's his excuse at least)" background!!!1!
  17. "crisis after crisis really took a toll on the world and instead of breaking it like say mad max it cracked it soo mini post apocalypse. " explain. blease
  18. what is a "rage power"?
  19. you emphasize the fact that he can only create shields, but later on say he can make blades and achieve super-human strengths.

so that's all! he's good, but develop him a bit more. :DD

Caboose

  1. It's his favourite star sign and his superhero title. Everyone in the story gets a nickname like his sister is called Matchstick.
  2. He doesn't know anything about his mother.
  3. His biological family doesn't extend beyond his Dad and twin sister.
  4. At first his father verbally abuses him for being a Neo-Human but the relationship only turns violent when his powers show up and Caleb has enough and threatens him.
  5. The background is more supposed to be loose like everyone only knows the basics and that's how it is.
  6. So with the whole semi post apocalypse thing. All the major cities and areas are mostly fine but imagine the U.S is like the late wild west again. So basically there are areas that are fine and some that are more lawless.
  7. His friends find out later on about the abuse he went through.

@mellowlynea

@LonelyPotato

Thanks for the feedback!! Love it, especially the grammar details - it always bugs me so much, glad I got to fix them… It'd be too long to respond to all of your critiques, but I'll summarize:

The girls are now all 15, after a minor plot change.
Lots of identifying features have been added!! I'm not great at them but I tried <3
Switched around some stuff - the categories are a bit vague for me, but I think I got it! I also elaborated a lot of it for clarity.
The backstories are elaborated slightly and synced up to match! I don't have a definite timeline yet, as I'm not sure what time I'll be placing this story in - it'll come!
Panya was never meant to be a tomboy or boyish character like Min is - there's a major difference! Panya has a slightly androgynous or boyish appearance, but is quite feminine in style and personality. Min has a feminine appearance, but is a tomboy. Panya isn't butch or anything like it - if there's a "butch" in the relationship (not that there has to be - femme lesbian here who's had several femme girlfriends) it's Eleanor, with her leather jacket and attitude. Panya doesn't have a strictly feminine appearance, but puts up a facade of a pretty-girl goody two-shoes because it suits her, and helps her get out of trouble every once in a while. Min goes against her family's tradition by becoming a rough-and-tumble tomboy. Eleanor doesn't give two shits in a sandstorm.
Hope that cleared it up!!

Deleted user

@LonelyPotato

Thanks for the feedback!! Love it, especially the grammar details - it always bugs me so much, glad I got to fix them… It'd be too long to respond to all of your critiques, but I'll summarize:

The girls are now all 15, after a minor plot change.
Lots of identifying features have been added!! I'm not great at them but I tried <3
Switched around some stuff - the categories are a bit vague for me, but I think I got it! I also elaborated a lot of it for clarity.
The backstories are elaborated slightly and synced up to match! I don't have a definite timeline yet, as I'm not sure what time I'll be placing this story in - it'll come!
Panya was never meant to be a tomboy or boyish character like Min is - there's a major difference! Panya has a slightly androgynous or boyish appearance, but is quite feminine in style and personality. Min has a feminine appearance, but is a tomboy. Panya isn't butch or anything like it - if there's a "butch" in the relationship (not that there has to be - femme lesbian here who's had several femme girlfriends) it's Eleanor, with her leather jacket and attitude. Panya doesn't have a strictly feminine appearance, but puts up a facade of a pretty-girl goody two-shoes because it suits her, and helps her get out of trouble every once in a while. Min goes against her family's tradition by becoming a rough-and-tumble tomboy. Eleanor doesn't give two shits in a sandstorm.
Hope that cleared it up!!

thanks!! it definitely cleared it up. added note, i know there doesn't have to be a butch in a relationship, sorry if it came off that way!

Deleted user

EY THANKS FOR MORE REQUESTS!!
@Soup_Nana i don't have permission to view the content!! sorry!!

Deleted user

WOOHOO MORE REQUESTS DON'T WORRY I'LL GET TO YOU ALL EVENTUALLY (probably some time tonight)
@Starlight
For Silverado:

  1. just a quick heads-up, a silverado is also a car, so not entirely sure if you want to name your character that. obviously it doesn't really matter lmao but just so you know.
  2. so for their age, do you mean as the series progresses? also you haven't specified a gender. if you mean they're agender or nonbinary or something, put that! also, i don't really know what "Half Luna/Blizzaron Hybrid wolf" means. finally, role in the story? are they the protagonist? deuteragonist? triagonist? antagonist? i'm going to stop those words are starting to sound fake but you get the idea
  3. more identifying marks!
  4. body type: delicate, how so? are they fragile or just petite? this is kinda nitpicky but it's helpful.
  5. eye color: do you mean like gunmetal blue or are their eyes metallic?
  6. so i'm not sure what you mean by conditions, but i'm going to assume the second part of that is what happens with his magic. my recommendation is to put the first part in either personality or flaws - if he's reckless with his own life and therefore causes others to worry about him, it's probably a flaw, but if he's just selfless, it's his personality. (OH IT'S A HE)
  7. "Fun, Joker, serious" just a bit conflicting. maybe if you mean he's serious with a fun side or vice versa, just put that. maybe add some more details as well! it's all good adding words, but sometimes we need full sentences just to get to know him better, especially if some of the words only apply in certain situations.
  8. talents - LOL. maybe some more tho, if he has any more. if not, why? that could be a flaw, if there is a reason
  9. what you've written down is not entirely a flaw. (maybe see #6). add flaws, as in what make him perhaps less likable than he otherwise would be - specifically personality flaws. is he selfish? (obviously not) is he reckless? (perhaps) stuff like that.
  10. so motivations - loyalty to whom, and why? also the other one is a good motive (i'm actually using something very similar lol), but make sure his story isn't too much like the "terrible past" cliche. if it's too horrible (like he watched his entire family be murdered and survived accident after accident afterwards until he was shunned by society and left alone on the street) then consider changing some of it.
  11. mannerisms - those aren't really mannerisms, though the one about making lots of jokes is kind of. mannerisms are like repetitive behaviors that happen during speech or when in contact vs. when alone. for example he might rock back and forth on his heels when he's anxious or smth.
  12. so fav. weapon - do you mean if he fights? technically a healer shouldn't really be fighting, they'd be staying back so they can help those injured. if the healer goes down, they all go down. if you mean "in an emergency", put that.
  13. so, out of interest (though you don't have to. that's fine) do politics even exist in your story or is there just no reason for him to be involved with them? personally i think many "quests" in stories might actually be politically (in terms of the story's world) motivated, but it might not be in your world.
  14. what are riders?
  15. " the rest of what hed needed to know about healing" do you mean the riders also taught him to heal? also idk if you care but there are some punctuation/grammatical errors in the history part. doesn't really matter tho
  16. education - lmao no. please put at least where/what he's learned. if he was separated from his fam and thrown in with some riders then he's not gonna have a good education unless "riders" are sophisticated and taught him stuff.
  17. birthday? does he not know? doesn't really matter but just wondering

so that's all! he's good but you're missing some stuff. keep at it!

Deleted user

OK @Soup_Nana THANKS!!

  1. so the only thing i would be careful with is the fact that you've very slightly kind of put her as the "perfect skinny blonde", which i don't think is the case but others may believe so. i'm not telling you you have to change anything, but just be careful!
  2. "Likeable" is not really a trait?? i mean it could be but it kind of depends on the way you write her. also, to tie basically all those traits (except for maybe graceful) together, you could say charismatic. Charismatic people are kind of natural-born leaders and people gravitate to them, so that (by the looks of things) would kind of fit her character.
    2.5 so just a suggestion obviously but you may want to consider using full sentences because you can get more details in, which helps develop the character more (that's just my personal preference tho, it helps me write/get to know my characters easier/better).
  3. "Adventuring" do you mean like questing/rebelling or exploring. there's kind of a difference lmao
  4. "Wants all the worries in the world to disappear." not a prejudice, probably a motivation. prejudices are unfounded hate for randomly (and often unfairly) generalized groups of people. like someone might hate republicans because Donald Trump soiled their name, or they might hate Democrats because Obama soiled their name or something like that.
  5. "She tends to do her own thing rather than flow with the crowd." not really a mannerism, but would be great for personality!! mannerisms are ways people behave or speak by habit.
  6. "Willow had lived and died multiple times since her mother's death, every time she was reincarnated, losing her memories. " how and why? also, how did she know her mother died? did she even know? i'm a little confused by all of this.
  7. who is evangeline and why does she matter?
  8. no one knows her birthday? not even her? if you put it down it's not really going to spoil anything as i'm only critiquing a character. it might just help you get a sense of the timeline.
  9. also, you state that she's twelve in the history section but her age says 15..

k so that's all! she's pretty well-developed, just some nitpicky things. good job!