forum Come hit this lit RP session.
Started by shurikenwolfbadass_13
tune

people_alt 37 followers

@Young-Dusty-the-Monarch-of-Dusteria group

(right ^^)
Esme shrugged. "We met almost a year ago. She was in a bad spot, I helped her out. She returned the favor when I wasn't expecting her to. She knows what I am, but…she still accepts me. I don't get that a lot."
Luke listened with interest. "And remind me, is she human?"
"No. She's actually my polar opposite, a spirit of positive energy. Her family and I don't get along very well, but she doesn't care. One thing for certain, I'm not going to give her a chance to lose that faith in me."

@amber_is_in_a_loop

Nathan nodded slowly. He had had his fair share of lost faith. "Well, then, when do we leave?"
He went to Crash's cave/shelter/igloo/whateveritwas and started gathering up whatever meagre rations they had left.

@amber_is_in_a_loop

(here goes the first one. there are supposed to be passages in italic but idk how to do bold so they're in brackets:
[She gripped the polished wood, base tucked beneath her tight jaw, bowing her violin. Her heart soared as the pure sound escaped her grip and swirled around the room, consuming all other senses for that one perfect moment in time, just her and the music.]
She swept her hair back, forgetting the coffee cup in her hand; the scalding liquid poured all over her blouse. She squealed and stopped.
[“I’m home!” she cried happily, swinging her bag down onto the couch and pirouetting to the kitchen. Her mother’s dark head popped around the door frame, grinning.
“Happy birthday to you,” she sang in her charming soprano voice. The girl bounded into the pale green kitchen to the fresh smell of chocolate cinnamon cookies.
“You truly are the amazingest person,” she lauded her mother and kissed her on the cheek.]
She absently registered the zebra crossing her beneath her feet as she dabbed at her shirt. A loud yell sounded over top the city soundtrack, and she looked up to see a car racing towards her.
[She looked over and noticed her mother had tears in her eyes. The almost-grown woman’s shoulders shook with silent laughter and she grabbed her Mom’s hand. She then had let go and look up as her name was called. She tightened her billowing robe and ignored her heeled steps echoing through the hall. She stepped up onto the stage.
“Congratulations,” the headmaster beamed, and handed her the golden diploma. Three one-armed hugs and a medal later, she was officially an adult. Thunderous applause from the audience.]
Her eyes widened. Her feet were rooted to the spot. Was the car speeding? It looked like it was speeding.
[Phillip got down on one knee. She stared. He gave her a crooked smile and took out a small blue velvet box.
“Oh my god,” she whispered.
He opened it to a simple silver ring crested with a small diamond. “Will you marry me?”
“Phillip, I… oh my god, yes. Yes!”]
“Teresa!” Phillip screamed from the sidewalk. “Teresa!” He started running towards her, desperately pushing through the crowd, and he looked so utterly terrified people had to look around and realize what was going on. Everything blurred around her, and Teresa finally realized what was happening. She had just enough time to scream.
[She choked on her breath, staring at the plastic test in her hand: plus. Plus. It was a plus. She cleaned up and went to the living room.
“Phillip.” He looked up from his book.
“Tess.” She lifted her gaze to look at his impossibly blue eyes. “Plus. I got a plus.”
He frowned, and his gaze went to her hand. He mouthed the word, and slowly stood up as realization hit him.
“Plus.”]
The driver was texting. Tess’s hand went to her swollen stomach just as the driver looked up. He attempted to stop, but the car just skid forward faster than before. The sky was such a clear blue that day.
[She finished the piece. She carefully lifted her bow from the strings and stood up to accept the raucous applause that now filled the room. She set her violin onto her stool and went center stage to take her bows. Her mind filled with the audience’s appreciation, and a sweet smile split across her round face.]
It was the side of the car that hit her the worst. )

@Young-Dusty-the-Monarch-of-Dusteria group

(Hot DANG
That's the best short story I've read in a long time! It took me a minute to figure it out but once I did, man did my stomach just DROP down to my feet….holy cow this hurts T.T
Basically, WOW dude! Awesome work! That was well worth the wait, you're a great writer XD)
(Also, you can make Italics by putting asterisks around the word or sentence you want to format, like *this * but without the space ^^)

@Young-Dusty-the-Monarch-of-Dusteria group

(Hmm. Well, I think it's pretty good as-is, but since narrative flow is kind of my obsession, I might as well say that some parts might need to be written a bit more clearly and concisely? For example, breaking paragraphs into smaller paragraphs can make it more impactful to read, and also slows down the rhythm a bit so readers notice the details more. Keeping it simple for this kind of work is a great idea, although I love some of the descriptive phrases you have here.
I like the characters, they're each unique and special to the main character. I do think sometimes it's a little unclear which character you're writing about, especially when Tess is with her mother. I think some paragraph breaks could really help make that more clear.
In balance, these are all minor issues and overall I think it's really good ^^ Hope that was helpful!)