forum I'll critique your stuff!!

Started June 16, 2018 by @TryToDoItWrite

tune

Hey there I already posted my character for critique but someone else helped me out, I was wondering if I could get your second opinion… Let me know if I need to repost it for you

I'm just wondering what you meant when you said "her combat skills abandoned her in the space of three paragraphs" You're right, they did abandon her, but is there anything you want to add on to it? Does that seem unnatural?
Thank you so much for all of your help!

I meant to point out that you used almost the same phrasing twice, very close together. That's all!

Yeah @Typhoon1912 I'll take a look! I can't at the second though…

Okay sounds good, thanks much.

Hey, @Typhoon1912 ! I took a look at all three of your characters! The half demon brothers look very interesting with plenty of plot potential. the whole concept kinda reminded me of both the incredible hulk and werewolves. it's cool!
The autistic genius is, granted, pretty cliché. This only means that you have to make him memorable and unique with his character voice. Don't let the fact that he's autistic and a genius define his personality. Take time to delve into who he is as a person. Look up some personality tests and answer them as his character. Write some stuff in his deep POV, even if the story you're writing with him isn't in his POV. (even if you're not writing a story with him at all, you can write some scenes of his life just for fun and get to know him)
When ever I come up with characters, they never pop into my head as fully developed people. You have to work with them like clay or dough. The writing and editing process is like kneeding the dough, softening it, forming it to the character

Keep it up and keep writing!

@TryToDoItWrite Hi! I have returned again with another short piece, if you wouldn't mind critiquing it? This one's a tad longer, but it's still not super long. It’s from the same series as the first little bit I sent you, but that was from the second book whereas this is from the first.

A little recap: the main character is Alexander, and he has the power to control weather (wind, precipitation, temperature, etc).

Some additional information you might need: Jax, Karson, and Nathan are junior members of a gang that Alexander accidentally pissed off. This led to the three of them kidnapping Alexander on his way home from work and driving him out to some sort of darkened facility to dunk him in a huge tub of radioactive fluid from which he gained his powers. Jax, Karson, and Nathan happen to go to Alexander's school enter plot convenience and so they pick up bullying him because they're still pissed at him. Also: there's a girl mentioned briefly in the beginning, Trish, she's Alexander's best friend.

*The accident that occurs in this passage is the first real sign of Alexander's powers.

X.

His second day back, things are a little less chill. He’s hit in the face with a rugby ball in gym class, no doubt thrown by Jax. (Alexander didn’t see him throw it, but the smirk on his face is enough evidence for him). He’s shoved by three different people in the hallways between class and has his books knocked from his arms once. Trish is with him at the time and she sends an icy glare the way of the culprit before turning back and smiling sunnily at Alexander.

“Don’t mind them,” she says as she helps him pick everything up off the floor. “They’re just idiots.”

Things don’t get better there, though. After school the infamous trio that stars in every one of Alexander’s high school nightmares shows up to pay him a visit. Nathan, Karson, and Jax corner him in the stairwell and he tries very hard not to shake like a leaf. (He isn’t entirely successful). He’d had to stay late to talk to his math teacher about getting a make-up test for the one he missed while he was in the hospital so the stairway is void of people.

“Hey there, princess,” Jax sneers. It’s a repeat of that night, a broken record skipping and replaying the same worn line. Hey there, princess. Alexander’s heartbeat skips and then takes off racing.

---

The chase is fun—it’s always been fun. At least, that’s what Jax always says. Personally, it terrifies Alexander. The adrenaline, the sound of his heart pounding in his ears, the feel of it beating against the inside of his ribcage. Huffed breaths, the squeak of runners on polished concrete stairs. Skidding around corners, stumbling, pushing off of walls. Doors banging open and slamming closed. The fumble of rushed, clumsy fingers with a jammed door handle. Shadows falling long and dark on the rows of lockers.

Heavy breaths behind him. He turns around, slow and reluctant. Jax smiles at him, Nathan and Karson round the corner, breathing heavily. Alexander’s own pants come out fast and shallow. Trembling fingers clutch at the stitch aching sharp in his side.

They’re in the gym. It’s cold and dark and empty. Goosebumps race up Alexander’s arms, a shiver sliding down his spine and making him shudder involuntarily.

“There you are,” Jax singsongs. His arms spread wide, theatrical. The grin on his face is nothing short of nauseating.

Alexander wishes he wouldn’t. He wishes he, and Karson, and Natan would all just go away. Why can’t they just leave him alone? What’s so special about him, anyways?

---

Later, he won’t remember how it happened. He won’t remember the feel of the power coursing through from the soles of his feet to the tips of his fingers, won’t remember how it surged and pushed up through the top of his head. He won’t remember the sound of blood rushing in his ears, won’t remember the sensation of having white water rapids raging inside his skull. Later, he won’t remember much of anything at all. He’ll look at the wreckage of the gym, the rubble strewn across the shiny wooden floors, the ceiling half gone and one wall torn away and he’ll hear the echo of winds howling in his ear, like hearing the sea in a decades-old seashell.

Thanks in advance!

Hi!! @alice I'm excited to see some of your stuff again!
I really like the style that this little section is in—its fast paced and constantly in motion and the only details given are ones that truly give the reader a vivid image of the action. It was like reading a neatly spliced action sequence from a movie.
I will say that I don't think your whole novel should be exactly in this style, just like an action movie can't be all action but I think you won't have trouble with that!
Alrighty! without further ado….
Lil notes going in order:

• After school the infamous trio that stars in every one of Alexander’s high school nightmares shows up to pay him a visit.
  I don't know what it is about this sentence, but it was one that made me pause and think: How could I make this flow better? Maybe try something like this: After school the infamous trio—staring in every one of Alexander’s high school nightmares—shows up to pay him a visit.

• Alexander’s heartbeat skips and then takes off racing. lil bar thingy The chase is fun—it’s always been fun.
  Question: Does the chase happen right after he gets cornered in the stairwell? I think it does, but I'm not sure because of the lil bar thingy. To me, that shows a quick shift in time/setting. Its a break in the narrative, more significant than a period or even a paragraph change, but not as much as a chapter change. I'd consider removing the bar thing or making it clearer if you want to keep it.

• The adrenaline, the sound of his heart pounding in his ears, the feel of it beating against the inside of his ribcage. Huffed breaths, the squeak of runners on polished concrete stairs. Skidding around corners, stumbling, pushing off of walls. Doors banging open and slamming closed. The fumble of rushed, clumsy fingers with a jammed door handle. Shadows falling long and dark on the rows of lockers.
  No critique! Just wanted to say that this section literally gave me chills reading it. I can feel this section. Thats impressive!! Nice job!

• Why can’t they just leave him alone? What’s so special about him, anyways?
  (This critique is so small and nitpicky that I considered leaving it out, but I thought you ought to know anyways) This is the thought process that triggers the giant power surge. He should be terrified and angry. The last question has a more genuinely confused and puzzled tone and seems a little out of place with the building intensity of the other statements and questions, so I'd consider cutting it. He can think about why they care about making his life a hell-scape later.
  (this is why I can never finish any project. I think about tiny things like this and obsess over them)

• Later, he won’t remember much of anything at all. He’ll look at the wreckage of the gym, the rubble strewn across the shiny wooden floors, the ceiling half gone and one wall torn away and he’ll hear the echo of winds howling in his ear, like hearing the sea in a decades-old seashell.
  No critiques! just pointing out that this is a quality sentence and also gave me lil goosebumps!!!

ANyWays!! That was awesome and I'd love to hear more from you! Keep it up and keep writing!

@TryToDoItWrite thank you so much for your critiques! They were all really great and I never would've thought of them on my own. Your compliments really made my day. It means a lot to me that you like my writing :)

To answer your one question, yes, the chase does happen right after the stairwell. I think it cuts forwards a few minutes though. I don't really know why I put the bar in there, to be honest XD I wrote this a while ago so my reasoning isn't still fresh in my mind. (If I even had specific reasoning…it was probably something about the cut to the action). I think you make a valid point though, so I'll take it out.

You're a really fantastic editor so I'd like to send you some more of my stuff in the (most likely near) future, if that's alright with you?

Thanks again!

Woo! Bring it on! @alice

Hey, I have a starter to a story and it's not very much I just want some advice on it if you're willing…

Hmu!

His alarm went off way too early like it did every morning. Darren would kill for the chiche ‘five more minutes’ but there was no one to grant it to him. He could just go back to sleep, he was late for school everyday anyways so this wouldn’t be a shocker to anyone. He decided against it and peeled himself out of bed, shivering as he felt the sudden rush of cold air hit his bare chest. He moved to his closet and rubbed the sleep away from his eyes, Mornings suck, He found a black T-shirt and dark jeans, Good enough. He moved to his bedroom door only to be greeted by an overly excited Siberian Husky. He smiled patting the dog on the head, “Hey there Aries,” He continued through the empty house, down the stairs, through the living room, into the kitchen and out the door. He stared at his car, a 69 Dodge Challenger, he really was a jock. He winced in sudden realization of his own cliche and got in, started it up, and drove to school.

@TryToDoItWrite this is the first chapter of the first book and I feel like it needs a bit of polishing, if you have the time. Thanks so much!

I.

It starts the way many things start, with a dark night and a large vat of bubbling, potentially radioactive fluid.

The compound is dark, an eerie silence filling Alexander’s head. The sound of footsteps and scuffling ring in his ears. His eyes are closed and he can’t quite remember when he did that. Hands weight against his shoulder and his upper arm, large and heavy. Flashlights shine stabbing-bright on the pavement, cutting through the black. Shadows leap, exaggerating the size of the three teenage boys who drag a fourth along, kicking and struggling to break free.

Alexander wonders how he the hell he got himself into this situation, with a gag in his mouth and a bag over his head, being marched into a huge empty compound late at night. He wonders why thought it was a good idea to interrupt the drug deal he stumbled upon in the back alley while taking the trash out at work. He wonders what he thought he was doing, when he froze mid-step and gave the drug dealers time to notice him before he ran back in to call the police. He doesn’t wonder why he thought it was the right thing to do—oh, no. What he wonders is why he thought it was a good idea. At this point, it’s abundantly clear to him that it was not. He’s outnumbered three to one and he doesn’t have his phone. Alexander has never been weak, but he certainly isn’t strong and that’s what he needs to be in order to get out of this.

That, or really smart. He might be able to pull off smart. Alexander stops struggling.

“Givin’ up already, princess?” One of them leers. He hears another snicker to his right. He grits his teeth and says nothing.

“Shut up, Jax,” a third voice growls from in front of them. Alexander can practically hear the smirk crawling onto his face when he says, “we’re here.”

The hands on his shoulder and bicep tighten, shoving him forwards roughly. He grunts, hands balling into fists, knuckles gone white with the effort of keeping himself from turning around and punching Jax in the face.

(Calm, Alexander, his brain soothes him. We’ve got to be smart, remember? Punching this bastard’s face off does not fall under the ‘smart’ category).

Alexander’s hands loosen again at his sides. He breathes slow, calming breaths through the gag. (Well, as calming as breaths through a gag can be made).

He’s being shoved again, steered by those hands clamped on him, solid like steel. He’s stumbling up stairs that clang and vibrate under his feet when he trips and his foot slams down particularly hard. His hands find a cool metal railing. He has no idea what’s going on.

(So much for being smart, his brain scoffs. Shut it, he snaps).

He can hear a bubbling sound akin to that of a boiling pot of water. The air is thick with the smell of sulphur and rust and Alexander wrinkles his nose.

The bag is jerked violently off his head and his eyes fly open, blinking rapidly. There’s a large, dimly flickering light above what appears to be—“Oh, hell no,” Alexander says. Or at least, he tries to. It comes out more as “aw, heh oh,” but this kidnappers seem to get the message as the one with the short brown hair to his right—Karson—sniggers again. (So he was the giggly one earlier, his brain supplies helpfully).

In front of Alexander lies a huge vat of bubbling…fluid. Alexander doesn’t know just what type, but he’s not too eager to find out. He has a sneaking suspicion, however, that it’s highly radioactive.

(Gee, wonder what gave that away, his brain says dryly, maybe the huge bright yellow warning sign on that pole? Sometimes Alexander really hates his brain).

“Wi wam wot hetting in ere,” Alexander says resolutely.

“What was that, princess?” Jax asks, leaning in. His breath is hot on Alexander’s ear and it smells disgustingly of alcohol.

Alexander shoves Jax off of him and yanks down his gag.

“I said,” he says, glaring at Jax, “I am not getting in there.” He points to the giant tank of accident-waiting-to-happen, still glaring at Jax.

“Princess,” Jax says, the smile on his face sickening, “you don’t have a choice.”

Alexander can’t think of a time in his life he’s been more terrified than he is the moment Jax and Karson heave him up over the railing and toss him into the huge tub of not-for-children. While he’s falling, all he can think about is the adrenaline that seems to be running through his veins instead of blood, the knowledge that he is definitely, one hundred percent going to die, and the fact that Karson is still laughing.

Heyo! @Typhoon1912
The thing that is glaringly obvious to me is that you talk about a character being cliche and you are committing one of the deadliest first chapter cliches–a character waking up in the morning and getting ready. I hope this is the start to an ironic/satirical book making fun of cliche YA novels. If not, I'd suggest changing your opening.
(I don't have much time to write this, so sorry I can't be nicer XD)
Good luck–keep it up and keep writing!

Okay. I'm back!!
holy hell that was an intense opening…again, I can see this being the opening to an action movie. Just the opening line alone gripped my attention! The mix between terrifying and humorous is perfect. I'd read a whole book of this!
Alrighty. Time for the lil things (and when I say little things, I mean v little things. Feel free to ignore them):

• His eyes are closed and he can’t quite remember when he did that.
  To me, this is an odd sentence. I think that the fact that a bag is over his head is more important than his eyes being closed. I'd change the sentence to something like: Whether his eyes are closed or open makes no difference. All he can see is the insert description of the material type of bag you want it to be

• Shadows leap, exaggerating the size of the three teenage boys who drag a fourth along, kicking and struggling to break free.
  I just had to point out how great this sentence is!!!!! You're really good at little specific details when describing things that make the whole picture jump out at the audience. Without the detail about the flashlight making the shadows do weird things, I couldn't fully get the mood or picture of this scene! Bravo!

• He doesn’t wonder why he thought it was the right thing to do—oh, no. What he wonders is why he thought it was a good idea.
  I had to double back to re read this lil section (and maybe its because i'm sleep deprived) so I'm trying to figure a way to smooth it out. I'd probably take out the "oh" and add some italics—yes, I did just suggest italics of all things:
  He doesn’t wonder why he thought it was the right thing to do. No, what he wonders is why he thought it was a good idea.

• (Well, as calming as breaths through a gag can be made)
  You use the parenthesis a lot in this next lil bit, which is fine! (actually, I think we've talked about this before) This reason I'm pulling this specific usage out is because it isn't congruous with how you've been using it. You used it a lot to show the dialog between Alex and his brain (which I love). But here, you're just using it as a funny side note. I'd delete the parenthesis here and just leave it as a regular sentence in the narrative.

• “What was that, princess?”
  I wondered this before, during the first scene with Jax, why he called Alex princess. Is there a specific reason? With such an oddly specific type of jab he uses, I'd think there'd be an oddly specific reason.

• While he’s falling, all he can think about is the adrenaline that seems to be running through his veins instead of blood, the knowledge that he is definitely, one hundred percent going to die, and the fact that Karson is still laughing.
  A+ ending. I'm literally so concerned about Alex…i know he survives, but still…ouch. I think that the ending could pack a bigger punch if you cut out some of the filler words and make a short sentence at the end. I like the long sentences you use (i'm actually terrible at writing long sentences. I feel like they need to be short and sweet, so setting mood with long sentences is hard for me.) All that rambling to say that I'd edit it to this:
  While he’s falling, all he can think about is the adrenaline that seems to be running through his veins instead of blood, and that he is definitely, one hundred percent going to die. Karson's laughter follows him all the way down.

okAAYY! Wooohh! That was so good and I wouldn't be mad if you hmu with some more ;)
Keep it up and keep writing!

Hey @Typhoon1912 I have time to give more advice, edit a bit better (and be nicer!)
Every critique I give to anyone isn't because I like to rip people's dreams apart and bathe in their tears. It's because everyone deserves an honest pair of eyes to talk through how we can make your story the best it can be!
Let's dive in then. Your passage is short enough that I'm going to go ahead and correct all the grammar mistakes.

His alarm went off way too early like it did every morning. Darren would kill for the cliché ‘five more minutes’ but there was no one to grant it to him. He could just go back to sleep. He was late for school everyday anyways so this wouldn’t be a shocker to anyone. He decided against it and peeled himself out of bed, shivering as he felt the sudden rush of cold air hit his bare chest. He moved to his closet and rubbed the sleep away from his eyes. Mornings suck. He found a black T-shirt and dark jeans. Good enough. He moved to his bedroom door only to be greeted by an overly excited Siberian Husky. He smiled, patting the dog on the head.
“Hey there, Aries.”
He continued through the empty house, down the stairs, through the living room, into the kitchen and out the door. He stared at his car, a 69 Dodge Challenger. He really was a jock. He winced in sudden realization of his own cliché and got in, started it up, and drove to school.

Some of the biggest issues I saw were that you used commas instead of periods and no commas where they should have been. That's okay. Grammar is no biggie. I look back at old writing, and it was bad You'll just get better and better at spotting the mistakes the more you read and write!

The biggest issue I see here is the cliché. Like I said before, a character waking up on a normal day is the most cliché way to open a book. And, to be completely honest, it's boring. Ask yourself instead, where does your story actually begin? How close to the inciting incident can you make your opening? Grab the readers attention. There's a reason that it's called a "hook". Hook the reader like a fish with the opening line and they're yours.
I say all this from experiance. I started the first draft of my first story with the same thing. it was a fantasy story about kidnapping, monsters, battling tribes and breaking ancient curses and I started it with my main character waking up and taking her brother to school. * face palm*
If you're curious, the new opening lines are this:
"What do you think is down there?"
"Our untimely deaths, no doubt."
All that to say:
HOOK THE READER

anyways, I give all that advice assuming that you're just writing a normal story. If you're writing a ironic YA novel, then I have a whole bunch of other advice on satire to give you! If that's the case, just let me know.
:)
Keep it up and keep writing!

@TryToDoItWrite thank you so much for the edits!

1. Yeah, that sentence was kind of bugging me too….thanks for the advice :)
2. Aw, thank you!
3. Okay. I'll change that.
4. Good point. I'll take out the parenthesis.
5. Y'know, I don't think I ever really had a specific reason for the nickname other than because it was creepy sounding. Maybe it was meant to make fun of his weakness or to demascluinize him, I'm not sure. That is something to think about though.
6. Thanks for that little tweak :)

You know, I might just take you up on that offer. Your editing is great, really. Thanks so much for taking the time to read over my stuff!

Any time! @alice

still open, everyone!! (aka im booooored and have writers block)

still open, everyone!! (aka im booooored and have writers block)

So am I/so do I. It's no fun….I can try to find something for you that I've already written though, if you'd like?

Could you critique my character Rie? Here's the link; Rie Katayama

Wow @barabara …. Your character is looking good!! I know I read that 12 page intro to this character a while back, so things are starting to make more sense to me.
one little things: you have tons of information. Usually I tell people with character sheets to fill them out more, but I might have to suggest not putting nearly as much lol
I like super fleshed out character sheets just as much as the next, but if you put information that seems like kind of a given–for example the sentences in the mannerism section Her breathing will get quicker and her eyes will go wide. Her view of the world will seem to slow while she assesses the situation. – I feel like thats the normal human response, not unique to your character, so it seems redundant to put that there.
Even this sentence, under flaws, seemed to be a given:
One of Rie's smaller habits are forgetting what she came into the room for as soon as she steps into the room.
I'm not gonna tell you to go and delete all of it, seeing as this is actually a super detailed sheet that can help you write her very well. I'm just pointing out something I noticed 😅

Anyways, good character, keep it up and keep writing!