Heyo! I love reading everyone's stuff so I'm here to offer my services editing snippets and things like that. I'm confident with looking at grammar, plot, voice, word flow and diction but I'm not so good with looking at character or world creations (im not good at making detailed characters either whoops).
Alright. I'm very nervous about sharing my writing, so this is….very much out of my comfort zone, but if you could find some time to read this over and maybe give me some feedback I'd be really grateful :)
So, this is the extremely short (really short, it's only like 270 words) opening scene to my story. It's the second book, so I should probably give you some context. This is a superhero story which is a tad childish, I'll admit, but I thought it might be fun to write. The main character is Alexander, and he's a high school student. He gained superpowers when some gang members (who he accidentally pissed off) dumped him in a huge vat of radioactive fluid. After discovering he could control weather, he decided to become a superhero (because what else would you do, as a teenage boy?). His superhero name is Spark Plug, for no other reason than that I wanted a weird and dorky superhero name :)
I.
Zinon is very strange. This is what Alexander decides when he meets him for the first time. It’s three o’clock on a Saturday and Alexander is sitting on his usual rooftop, legs hanging off the edge of the building, mask rolled up to eat a tuna sandwich, when his (relative) peace is disturbed. He can only assume the person is either a cosplayer, a crazy person, or a superhero—(possibly a combination of the three)—due to the superhero suit they wear. Alexander has no idea how a cosplayer would get up here though, so it’s probably one of the other two. He really hopes whoever this is isn’t a crazy person.
The person appears to be male, from the broadness of the shoulders and the distinct lack of either curves or cleavage. He’s slim and muscled, wearing a suit made mostly of navy blue and black cloth, with white eyes and trim. He doesn’t seem to have noticed Alexander, walking across the roof with a newspaper unfolded in front of him. He reads as he walks, stopping dead on the roof a few meters away from Alexander. He makes a vaguely insulted noise, something akin to a scoff.
“The hell kinda name is Spark Plug?” He asks. He looks up. “Oh,” he says. “It’s you.”
Alexander, also known as the aforementioned Spark Plug, just gapes as the—man? boy?—flops down on the lip of the building, kicking his legs restlessly.
“Seriously though,” the stranger says, turning to him, “the hell kinda name is Spark Plug?
Alexander had really, really wanted him not to be a crazy person.
SLAP ME SILLY AND CALL ME INTRIGUED!
i love the dorky superhero name! pls tell me that Zinon is either a supervillain or an anti-hero frenemy of Alex's!!
Okay, let's get down to business. *cracks knuckles and flexes fingers *
first thing i noticed right off the bat is that you're using present tense instead of past tense. Most novels are written in past tense…because…well they just mostly are (i'll look it up real quick for both our sakes)
okay im back and i found a really good blog post that you should read! https://thewritepractice.com/past-tense-vs-present-tense/
it explains the pros and cons to both past and present tense and if you havent thought about it at all, then nows the time!! If you have made the conscious choice to use present tense, i'd say that you're a brave person and i admire that :)
Next!! you use (parenthesis) to make side notes from Alex to the audience. I love to do the same thing when writing in deep POV! Someone told me though, in a critique, that it took them out of the story when I used too many () of these bad boys. so im here to pass on the message. I honestly think that using them is fine, but only every so often and for special side note occasions.
I would take the parenthesis off of "relative" but keep them on the other one! (it's good for comedy there!)
Question: is the last line of this scene supposed to clue us in that Zinon is crazy? If so, I'd suggest holding that card for later because it could be a super funny line. Like he does something insane, crazy and maybe illegal and then Alex just sighs and the narration is like "Alexander had really, really wanted him not to be a crazy person."
Okay, but besides all that (which all of those aren't huge issues, just things you need to consider/think about) I LoVEd IT!
i love the style of writing with the slight comedic tone and I already love the characters! They both have very obvious personalities without the narration explicitly telling about them. Zinon's voice–I can literally hear it with the dialog you used! You got me hooked for sure with your opening!!
if you want we can set up a private thread and you can send me more!! (pls i want to read more!)
Thank you so much for looking this over!
Thanks for the link, I'll make sure to read it as soon as I finish typing this :) As it happens, I did consciously choose to write this in present tense. Usually I write my longer stories/pieces of writing in past tense, but it just felt right to me to write this story in present tense for some reason.
Thank you for pointing that out! I'll remove the parenthesis from around "relative" :)
I wasn't exactly trying to insinuate that he was a crazy person? I was more trying to show that Alexander was weirded to by him and thought he was kind of odd. That's a good idea though, I might want to use it later.
You are very kind :) I would love to set up a private thread. I have more but it's…honestly kind of crap. It's several months old and I'm dying to re-write it because it's very ick. I can send it to you once I've revised it, if you want?
Thanks again for the critiques!
(I just realized that I said "thank you"/"thanks" four times. I don't know how to feel about this revelation).
:) awesome!! 😂 yeah sometimes there's only one word for a situation
So I wrote a few minutes before midnight, even so I think I might be worth expanding, but I thought I show get a second opinion before I go planing a book from a quick writing prompt. I typed this up on my phone so sorry for grammar and spelling mistakes (I tried to clean it up before posting). I hope you don't mind looking it over.
The news of his death had been a surprise. Even with him being family I had only meet the man a few times. I mean everyone has that crazy relative you’d like to forget about when showing someone the family tree, right? But still his death came as a shock not that he had died, but the way he did die. Authorities said his aslant must of had a knife, but from what little I got to see from going to identify the body my instincts were screaming that they were lying.
That night is when the dreams returned; dreams that had been locked away and long forgotten had resurfaced. Images of shadow streets, dim lights, and red blood filled my vision every time I closed my eyes. The worst one, the most vivid dream, was about a girl in a garden being watched by a man who’s skin was too tight. It was stretched across his face in a way that gave him an almost permanently surprised expression. Then he called out my name and the little girl turned to look she had my face as though it had been pulled from the family photo albums. The man smiled with razor sharp teeth and began to approach. he was nearly on top of the girl before a second shadow appeared be hind the man. A second later the first man when stiff before toppling on to the girl. The body was pulled away by my uncle he wrapped her in a hug and started to whisper “ I promise I’ll protect you you won’t ever have to join this fight. I’ll kill them all before it come to that”
Three days of troublesome sleep later is when the package came with the note. “ I’m sorry I couldn’t keep my promise, you’ll have to join the fight after all, little bird. I just hope you’ve grown stronger over the years we’ve been apart. I’ve left it all to you my manor, land, investments, money, research, and so much more; all in hopes of making this easier, but the most important thing I have left you are all the skills I and our ancestors have learn. They are a bit unconventional, but will get the job done. I’m sorry little bird, you must continue the fight for us all, not just your ancestors, but for all humanity.”
From the small threads I have started to connect, if I continue the story it will be a dark modern fantasy; fallowing this girl as she tries to piece together shattered memories, her late uncle's research, and murders all around the city in an attempt to end the killing once and for all. Any feed back at all would be great.
HoLY CRaP HAVE I NOT REPLIED TO THIS????? clearly not.. im so sorry!! I'll get right to it!
Obviously this snippet is more of a story idea than anything, but it has lots of potential! Maybe it's because I've been binging watching it for almost two weeks now but this is giving me Supernatural vibes. (I love it!)
The first thing that I'd say is that the whole memory wiped person figuring out their family secrets and accepting their destiny is definitely a cliché. I'm not saying not to go for it, but tread carefully with clichés because you'll fall into the trap of repeating other people's stories. Make the story your own. Twist the cliché in some way. Bend the rules.
Also, how old is the protag at the beginning of the story? why would the police call in a younger girl to identify some estranged uncle that she's only seen a couple times? maybe she should be a cop or detective? someone who has experience both with fighting and investigating so that all the action is more believable
just a suggestion and some things to think about!
How did the uncle wipe her memory? What is the task that she must complete? What killed her uncle?
again, i keep thinking about supernatural so…
Keep writing! This idea has some really cool potential, but lots of logic needs to be worked through. Where is it all headed? How can you develop the plot around the characters? What is the end goal? Etc etc..
Keep me updated on how the idea is progressing! it sounds super cool :)
Thanks! I'm really glad you liked it and I'm a supernatural fan too just binge watched the latest season on Netflix and the Scooby natural episode is now one of my favorites.
Yeah I know memory wipe is cliché, but when I'm sleep deprived they always sound like a good idea. Although in the the few days I've had the idea I've been trying to work away from that cliché and I never intended for it to be a memory wipe (Even though it does sound like it), more like a repressed memory that maybe a five year old girl just decided it with a bad dream and chose to forget. As for the other dreams I'm thinking those were more of psychic messages than memories. Of corse she still thinks of her Uncle as being crazy until she comes face to face with something she can't she can't wright off as a trick of the light. As for those realistic skills I'm thinking that maybe she was trying to be (or is) a cop.
I'll try and keep you posted on progress after I get it all straitened out (and work on getting rid of the clichés).
Nice! Good luck and keep writing!
This is really more of a concept. I'm working on one novel (A), but I really like this one idea that will not fit into that at all so I'm thinking about now writing another (B). The novel I'm currently writing A I feel confident with the plot that it's what I want it to be. I want your opinions on B. Basically, I had this idea that it would be two books. In the first one there would be a group of people set on destroying this corrupt dictator, but in the end, one of the girls decides she wants to not turn it into a democracy like they said, but instead rule herself as an absolute monarchy because she believes that people cannot make their own decisions and that she would use the powers for good. The next book will be a few years in the future is her acting as the villain, though she thinks she's working for the greater good, and her old friends spread out and some of them even in jail for having questioned her. And then somehow she'll be overthrown or something. Idk yet, but I'll get there. Does that sound interesting? Any critiques? Like I said, I have one in the making that will probably actually need critiquing at some point, this is an idea I like that would be a side project for me
Actually that sounds super cool and compelling and its something that I'd read for sure! Historically that makes perfect sense and lines up with lots of things that have actually happened in real life
I say go for it! There's lots of places in that plot for emotion and betrayal and heartbreak (all the good stuff)
If you ever write scenes or snippets hmu and I can give you more detailed critiques
Hi! Since I know you're great at critiquing, could you give my story a look over? I wrote this excerpt a while back but now I'm not sure about it.
Agony. Better to be in agony that to be in the nothingness she dragged herself out of. At least pain made sense. If she was hurting, she must be alive. Regaining her wits, the first thing she did was curse herself, bitterly, for missing. She could have killed one. If she’d been faster, stronger, better…
She opened her eyes. She was in the hospital, as she expected, the soft lighting casting yellow light over her blankets. The room was empty, for the most part. A side table was at her left, and a chair at her right. In the chair, Tyfer huddled within himself. His eyes were shut. Brows furrowed, lips puckered, he appeared to be in deep thought.
“Tyfer.” Her voice wheezed against her lungs and throat. “M-mission report,” she coughed, gripping the sheets as pain wracked through her chest. A trickle of blood speckled her lips. She ran a dry tongue over it, clearing it away before Tyfer looked up.
Tyfer regarded her. “General.” He said nothing more, only clenched his teeth and fists in silence. He looked a mess, likely as bad as Nyir herself. Coated from toe to tip in char, practically dripping with dragon venom, his eyebrows singed, his face bruised and bleeding. He held himself stiffly as though if he were to relax he would fall apart.
“So,” she began, “I’ve angered you.”
He inclined his head, his teeth grating. “You endangered the mission, General. What is our oath? Did you forget it?” The softness in his voice belied the fury carefully concealed on his haggard face.
Nyir shook her head, saying, “I did nothing wrong. The oath merely says forget your own life for the benefit of others. I did just that.”
“No, see, that’s not the oath,” Tyfer spat, leaning forward and gripping the side of her bed. “The oath is mission first, team next, self last. You endangered both the mission, your team, and yourself when you decided to go off on a suicide mission. You broke all three parts of the oath.” His voice rose, a harsh contrast against his normally calm veneer.
“No, you broke the oath when you came to save me,” Nyir argued. “The mission was successful. I saw an opening that could possibly save people and ensure our safe return. By waiting for me and then risking your life, the team’s lives, and the mission, you broke all three parts of the oath.”
He exhaled a breathy, rough chuckle, his eyes sparking. “Unbelievable. I can’t reason with you when you’re like this. We came back for you because –because…” He began to sputter, unaware of his own reasons.
“Tyfer,” she said again, this time with a grim smile on her face, “I did what I did because of a personal vendetta. It was wrong, but that doesn’t mean I regret it or won’t do it again. What you can do is not come back for me.”
He saw her smile. He closed his eyes again, his fists tightening around the edge of the bed. When he reopened his eyes, they were a calm sea of blue once again. “I fight for the human race. For everyone’s survival. I thought we fought for the same reasons. But now I realize you fight for revenge, not for hope. You’re horribly, disgustingly defeatist.” At her expression, his brows softened even more. “However, I’ll always come back for you. Damn the oath, and damn you too.”
Nyir managed to laugh, wincing as her injuries complained. “That’s why I chose you as my colonel.”
“Because I’ll drop everything to save your ass?”
“No,” she replied, smiling smugly, “because you’re horribly, disgustingly optimistic.”
He rolled his eyes, rising from his seat and limping away from her bed. He started for the door, his free hand against the wall as he headed out. Nyir studied him –his arm in a sling, his pant leg covered in blood—and sighed. “I can always count on you, Colonel.”
“Shut up,” he retorted. He glanced back at her, his mouth twisting. “By the way, your son’s probably here. I’m sending him in.”
Before she could reply, he was gone. She gazed after him for a long moment, her eyes narrowed. “Naïve,” she mumbled, and smiled.
Please critique this character! For no particular story, just inspired by the song 'Palette' by IU and G-Dragon
@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime
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I loved it! V nice, v nice!!
The dragon hunting, teams, missions and oaths were all intriguing as well as the character dynamics you set up between the two of them–the grim pessimist and the loyal optimist. It's great potential for both plot and character development * applause *
Okay! I'll go in order with the grammar/detail critiques. I didn't actually see a lot of grammar mistakes which makes me happy deep in my grammar nazi soul :)
Better to be in agony that to be in the nothingness she dragged herself out of.
I paused while reading this, mostly because I think you meant to say "than" instead of "that"
She was in the hospital, as she expected, the soft lighting casting yellow light over her blankets.
This sentences doesn't flow as well as it could. You used the word light twice and I'd change it to two sentences and move the second detail to the front, like this: Soft lighting cast a yellow glow over her blankets. She was in a hospital, as she expected.
He held himself stiffly as though if he were to relax he would fall apart.
Comma between "relax" and "he"
What you can do is not come back for me
Hm. This one doesn't flow as well as it could either. Maybe it would be better if it was rephrased like this: Next time, don't come back for me.
That way it would be more of an order, which, to me, would make sense from her.
That's the only nitpicky things I could find! All in all, it was awesome! Your character had personality and chemistry and you obviously have a well built world with plenty of plot potential! I'm not surprised, of course. You're an awesome writer!
Keep it up and keep writing!
@XiuBuns
Hi!! I love the aesthetic and feel you've given your character. I'm a super sucker for soft spoken characters who are too Pure ™
First thing I noticed is that some of the things didn't have reasons behind them. I wanted to get deeper into the character's head.
Why does she tug on her ear sometimes? Is it when she's nervous? Is it when she get's embarrassed?
Why is a bottle of pink nail polish her fav possession?
Dig deeper into the meaning behind her actions and choices and you'll get to know her better.
next:
No one is 5'9'' and 120 pounds without being an actual bean pole. I mean, you could make her under weight if you wanted to. I won't say you can't. 😂 But if you're ever wondering about what's normal or average or healthy, check an online body mass calculator. 140 would be more normal in the case of 5'9''
Also, you should develop the flaw and talents part of her more. What flaw is inside her that makes her always speak softly or act timidly. Is she anxious? Does she worry too much? Is she scared of making a fool of herself?
Talent-wise, I get that she's a good painter, but I want more detail there too. Personally, I have a natural talent for spotting people in lies or faulty logic. I call it my BS meter. Does your character read people easily? Is she good at math? Does she empathize with people? Is she strangely good at making cookies and when other people make it with the same recipe they're amazed that she can just make it better and it's unexplainable?
Give both the flaw and talent sections deeper thought so that your character seems like a real person. Give it quirks. Give it life.
Anyways, that's all! I love the idea of your character, and I think she could be really awesome! Again, I love her soft pastel aesthetic you have going! :)
Keep it up and keep writing!
Ahh thank you! That was so helpful. I was stressing over the dialogue's awkwardness and I knew you could help. :D
Please!
For some reason @grammarqueen4 your link keeps sending me back to my home page??
I think it's because I don't have permission to view it. You should go to your settings and see if there's an option to open the character sheet to the public
EDIT:
Figured out how to make a page public:
go to your character sheet and click the button that looks like a triangle with a side missing
Thanks so much! I'm new here. . . I believe you can see the character now.
(Anyone here?)
Hi
I just need someone to critique my character…