forum I'll critique your stuff!!

Started June 16, 2018 by @TryToDoItWrite

tune

Okay… It requires a little explanation but I just want to make them better… One sec

Yep

Balthazar: Soldier of fortune and human/demon hybrid, Balthazar is the demon half of Darren Anderson. When in demon form Balthazar is extremely large and muscular, with red skin covered in black markings. Though able to change form at will, he has difficulty retaining his human form if severely injured or angered. Once a year the human half loses control and Balthazar is unleashed. This demon possesses great strength, the ability to detect the presence of an angel by touch, control with fire and energy and the ability to cast fireballs and deadly energy balls with a variety of voltage, along with the power to shimmer (Teleport). His control over energy also allows him to heal anyone with a heartbeat, not including himself, however, this is considered an act of ‘good’ and drains his him, his powers aren’t meant for good. Balthazar’s demonic abilities were tied to his inherent evil nature and by turning to good(Darren chose to be good) it weakened them. He is considered one of the deadliest demons, until turning to good, Balthazar murdered hundreds of innocents and Witches, without conscience or remorse, earning him infamy enough to gain a membership in the Demonic Brotherhood for over a hundred years.

(Darren Anderson is the human and one of my other characters)

Ok

Please elaborate on this "once a year" thing

One time a year he undergoes what is known as a 'rebreaking' where the human part of him loses control and the demon gets full control for a night, but the scary part is that it's random. Darren never knows when it's going to happen. (It's called a rebreaking because all the bones in his boy break as he goes into demon form)

Ok

Next

He seems a bit overpowered. . .

(He's supposed to be… Him and his brother are the princes of hell)

Cooper Jay Anderson is the older brother of Darren Everett Anderson. Cooper is the "face" of the "fastest growing international credit rating website", and as such has attained a fairly high level of ‘fame’ at least he thinks so. Cooper thinks that he is a really talented actor, but really is totally misguided in most of what he says. Although Cooper is really competitive, and very critical of Darren, he does show compassion towards his little brother, and reveals that the reason he is so hard on Darren is because he is so talented(Darren is). The Anderson brother’s were close in human and demon form until their mother died and their human lives were torn. Darren choosing to be good enraged his brother because in Cooper’s mind, demons can’t be good. He constantly pressures him to go back to being a villainous, homicidal demon.

Shaxx: Human/demon hybrid, Shaxx is the demon half of Cooper Anderson. When in demon form Shaxx is extremely large and muscular although he isn’t as thin as Balthazar, with black skin covered in red markings (Opposite of Balthazar). Though able to change form at will, he has difficulty retaining his human form if severely injured or angered. Once a year the human half loses control and the demon is unleashed(Always at the same time as Darren/Balthazar). Shaxx possesses great strength, the ability to compel people to do anything he wants, control with fire and energy and the ability to cast fireballs and deadly energy balls with a variety of voltage, along with the power to shimmer (Teleport). He is considered deadly though has never been as strong as Balthazar. Nonetheless the Anderson brothers are famous in the supernatural realm and in the Demonic Brotherhood. Shaxx still kills innocents and feels no remorse, this causes fights often between Cooper and Darren. Cooper/Shaxx wants Darren/Balthazar to come to the underworld and reclaim his crown. However his compulsion doesn’t work on Darren.
Compulsion: Controls minds of others by looking them in the eyes and telling them to so something or forget something as a form of mind control. They have no recollection of it and they think it’s a blank place in their memory.

Good job with Cooper; he's modern and relatable.

Shaxx is creative and well built up. Nice!

No problem!

I have one more not related to their story if you'd be willing…

Of course!

(Thank you so much)

Name: James Weston (Goes by Jay)
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Looks: https://78.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9rbm7Ih5A1rzdcixo1_500.gif

Personality: Introverted (From being bullied as a child). Incredibly intelligent. Trouble making friends. Quiet and guarded. perceptive.
Flaws: He has savant syndrome and autism but you wouldn't know by looking at him.
Attire: (Dresses a little formal) https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0442/7941/products/product-image-11909763_1024x1024.jpg?v=1508287586 —– https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0442/7941/products/product-image-370400251_1024x1024.jpg?v=1519920946
Occupation: Is currently in college… no job
Talents: Writing, Learning new things(Especially languages), Is considered a genius by high IQ.
Hobbies: Writing, being physically fit/active.
Random Fact: Speaks Spanish, German, Italian, Arabic(Hebrew), Cebuano(Filipino), French. Also, he has a condition called Savant syndrome from a brain injury when he was younger. Basically, he's an autistic genius.
Other: He talks in a very knowledgeable way, he's very smart and has the IQ of a genius but is often blind to the common ways of the world. He has a photographic memory and can memorize anything he reads. He wants to be the first autistic FBI agent or a doctor.

(I'm really looking to add things to him but idk what)

Ok. If I'm being completely honest, he's quite stereotypical.

What do you mean?

The quiet, introverted genius that's actually hot

He's is quiet because of both the autism and he has a hard time trusting from being bullied as a child.
He's a savant so that's why he's so smart… I see what you mean but I don't know how to change those things without breaking who he is.

Hmmm. . .

I know that's my problem…

@Typhoon1912 maybe you could have him be average-looking instead of super hot? (Sorry, I don't mean to intrude).