HEY GUYS!! Resurrecting this dead thread because COVID-19 got me bored and at home!!
The offer still stands for me to critique it all! My specialities include being a grammar nazi, writing realistic dialog, and paragraph and scene flow.
I'm not that great at character and setting descriptions, as I struggle to include it in even my own writing, but I will try!
Bring it on!
(Will reply within 1-2 business days lol)
Hi i have a couple chapters that need critiquing if you're up for it !
Comments are on btw :)
Done! This was an interesting read! Keep it up and keep writing!
This was a really good critique ! Thank you so much ! I'll be sure to tweak the stuff you mentioned and i plan on making it a little more clear why Garret handles crazy things so well (i'm just not totally sure how i'm gonna do it yet). But you're right, i definitely need to add a little more panic in there. But more character development is sure to come for him ! Once again thank you so much :D
@stolenbrocoli You're so welcome!! I love seeing what people are writing about and people taking the time to critique my stuff on this site has helped me stay motivated through the years, so I'm just returning the good karma :)
Hey !
I wrote some poetry (it's my first time) and i'd love to get it critiqued !
the first one has some sexual undertones (nothing specific i promise !) so if you aren't comfortable with that it's perfectly fine
Also I wrote these while going through some heartbreak so they might be a bit sad
Ouchy…I would say "someone hurt you?" but yeah…someone did. I dabble in poetry myself, but I'm not an expert. Really all I've got is my AP English classes, but I'd say that I like your style of basically free form poetry. That's what I lean towards too. You have some couplets and a lot of repetition. It flows nice when you read it all together!
I won't say anything about the content because, geez, it's just so sad yet so relatable. On the second one, you could try to do some sort of cyclical pattern to the first and last sentence, like have them mirror each other? I could see that being cool.
like try putting the third line "I dream" as the first and the second line as the second, and cut the first line, and go on with the rest of it and then the last line change to
"Not until,
I dream"
Just some styling suggestion…again, I don't know that much about poetry, but I like circles and patterns :)
My English teacher always said stuff about the power of three. If you're gonna repeat something try to do it three times at least, or six. I don't know how much I would worry about that rule, especially since it is free form.
There's some basic grammar errors, but they're not a big deal.
You'd see my tired eyes, begging for you're love
one I noticed was the your vs you're here
All around, so good, so heartfelt, it makes me sad that some heartbreak was the inspiration.
Ok this was really helpful ! Like i said this is my first time and I have no experience with poetry so i have to clue about structure but i'll try the cycling :)
Oooh i didn't see that grammatical error. oops :/
Thank you so much for your help !
hi!! i have a wip that i would REALLY appreciate some critiquing on, mainly sentence structure and description (or anything else that you want to point out!) thanks so much in advance!! https://www.notebook.ai/documents/119447
Hi hi! Sorry I'm late to respond!
let's jump right on in!
overall, I liked it! The tone was that of a happy coming of age YA. That being said, overall it was very low stakes. no conflict was introduced. more on that in the specific details
Seventeen baby-blue lit candles were haphazardly stuck on top of it, as it sat on the centre of the table waiting for the birthday girl Kacey Langford to blow it out.
I like the image here, but I'd fix up the sentence structure. It reads a little clunky. Maybe something like Seventeen baby-blue candles had been haphazardly stuck on top of it and it sat now on the centre of the table waiting for the birthday girl, Kacey Langford, to blow it out.
She was surrounded by her family; her parents, Benjamin and Gina - actually smiling at Kacey, for a change -; her older brother, Wesley, who had just come home from university to visit; and her younger sibling, J.T., who was hungrily looking at the cake whilst licking their lips.
So this is where a little bit of conflict is introduced, but it's done only through telling. Kacey is just telling us that her parents don't smile at her, but here they are, smiling. It would be better if they weren't. Why don't they usually smile at Kacey? You need to explore that a bit better to get tension in this scene
(half because of her dyslexia and half because she couldn't be bothered)
I like this little aside, and it's telling us more about the protagonist, but you could go for even more ~flavor. Show us a bit more of Kacey's personality, because she is the narrator, right? If she was a little bit sarcastic, you could go with something like some people would say it's because she had dyslexia, but Kacey maintained it was because it was a stupid subject
(not counting Yannika Harding, who always had it in for her for some reason)
So Yannika being good a tennis does not necessarily mean that she has it out for Kacey, so you need to seperate those thoughts. In fact, just introduce the name Yannika Harding now, and cut out the part about her having it in for her. You can introduce that when they meet the first time. you could talk about how Kacey wants to beat Yannika, which could also add to the tension.
It's your last year as a teenager so make it last!
aren't 18 and 19 teens too?
She dumped the presents on the sky-blue cotton duvet of her bed, and tore into them with the same childlike glee she kept since she was a baby.
This just comes across a little weird that she'd open her presents alone. shouldn't she open them downstairs to where her brother and sister, if not her parents, could see?
She got up and walked over to her white floor-length mirror, inspecting herself.
ooo no…so this is a cliche that most people would tell you to cut out. the paragraph introducing how she looks by looking in a mirror all in one big dump. try and steer clear of things like this and add in description like you did at the beginning with her hair, just woven into the story.
I think you could improve this with a bit more conflict with the parents, but overall super nice!! I think it has the potential to be a really fun story! Don't hesitate to ask me questions about my comments or post more or anything like that! keep it up and keep writing my friend! :)
thank you so so much!! i really really really needed this, it's still a huge wip but i just wanted to make sure what i was writing was okay and you helped me so so much!!! :DD
Here's my WIP universe, it has the main plot synopsis, history and some notes on the soul magic system. Soul Fragments
Gosh, I love the soul magic system! It looks like you've got it all pretty worked out. It's the overview and general synopsis need some work–things that need to be explained better and sentence structure issues–that I could potentially help with.
It starts during winter break where Sophie Kane and her family returns to their hometown, That where she gets in a conflict, nearly losing her life until she wakes up in a strange mall after escaping with a strange amulet on her neck.
This is very rushed, with some info you probably don't need to be telling in just an overview/some info you could expand on. If it were me, I would cut out the part about her family and winter break and add in more info about that initial conflict. it would theoretically be the first thing that happens in the book, so get your audience interested!
As she assigned to help four of her childhood friends with supernatural incidents, As she complete more incidents, she figures out more about the amulet and how all the boys are attached, the bond brings all together while opening some deep wounds.
this sentence is the biggest issue i see. You've got a fragment stuck in there and the ending is rushed/vague. Maybe cut "opening deep wounds" because it's implied with the whole book that there will be an emotional connection. Something like:
As she deals with each incident, she uncovers more about the amulet and how it mysteriously connects to each of her old friends.
I'd love to read some of the bulk of the project too! Like I said, the magic system sounds really interesting! Keep it up and keep writing my friend!