Jude walked through the short patch of forest in a blur; the green surrounding them seeming to move past him as he stood still, trying to process the situation in a way that would warrant self-preservation. It was like Jude was an animal who was in captivity for too long, not knowing how to go on from here. His mind told him little lies of 'this is fine,' and 'everything will be okay now,' trying to soften the blow of not letting him be with Nyx.
Nyx followed after him, keeping his distance as much as he could. He knew that the best thing would be for Jude to put him back in the pod and never come back. Never open it up again. Hell, that was almost what Nyx wanted.
Jude found himself at his car in what felt like seconds, realizing that he was standing on gravel rather than grass. He snapped out of his short daze, fumbling for his keys. The car's lights flashed and it chirped, unlocking all the doors before Jude climbed in, staring through the windshield for a moment, at the very hill they were on moments before, now darkened by the coming night. This is what's best for both of us.
Nyx sat down in the passenger seat, getting buckled and staring ahead in silence. Waiting to go back and unsure what to say. Not sure if he should bring up the pod again. He knew that it was probably better if Jude left him in that pod again, forever. He wasn't even supposed to be out in the first place.
Jude drove in silence, but his heart ached for him to say things he felt. 'I don't know why I'm like this.' 'I'm sorry if I'm hurting you.' 'I don't want you to think this is because of you.' 'I'm going to make bad decisions.'
"You really should just put me back in the pod and leave me there." Nyx finally said softly. "I shouldn't even be out in the first place." He was slouched in the seat, his knees tucked to his chest. His head was leaned against his knees, eyes staring out the window.
Jude frowned a bit, eyes flickering over the traffic ahead. "I thought we agreed we weren't going to talk about this. It's not an option." He bit his lip, thinking back to the words he'd overheard his father say to his colleague when he was young, words that told Jude he was a mistake, and that he too, should even be here in the first place. "I don't know why you keep bringing this up."
(gonna be on and off, this party is hectic ahhhh)
Nyx tucked his shoulders in a little. "I just…I think it would be better that way." He replied slowly, not looking at Jude and staring out the window still. "Sorry. I didn't mean…I…" He shrugged.
(Ok. I gtg to bed soon most likely)
Jude shook his head lightly, "For who? Me? To know that someone's frozen in time, not living life, because I don't know how to love someone anymore?" He scoffed, "I'm just gonna work, and help you until you can…live on your own terms, I guess."
(just kidding about leaving. I'm back for a bit)
"For both of us." Nyx replied. "These last few days have been…have been amazing, but I…we're fooling ourselves if either of us thinks I can ever live anywhere close to normal." his voice was a little bitter. "Not with my hands, or my…most of my body. Even covered in something, it'll still be cold and fake."
(lmao) i am at my limit with this party there are so many people and the smoke alarms were goin off and ahhh–)
Jude sighed, maneuvering his way off the highway, finally, "-I thought.." Jude corrected, "I think, it will work. I wouldn't have told you so much about the world if I didn't. This is going to work, and you're going to live a normal life. –Or as normal as you can manage, I guess." Jude nodded lightly to himself, What even is normal? Craving something every coherent opportunity? Hurting someone you want to love by not loving them? I want to know.
(lmao. Oo that sucks! Gtg again for reals now tho)
Nyx shrugged a little, shaking his head. "I don't…I don't think it will. Someone will figure it out, and I'll be back in a lab again, being examined to see how I work. What makes me work."
(okeee goodnight :)
"So you'd rather just…" Die? His mind answered, "Give up? Why would you do such a thing? You've gotten a glimpse of the world, you want it. I'm trying to get you outta here so you can have it, now. And you want to avoid that over a chance?" Jude shook his head slightly, remembering how he had gotten a glimpse of Nyx– who he was, and now Jude was stuck. It's better to die. His mind repeated his answer from the fairytale, So much better.
"That's the damn problem, Jude!" Nyx snapped. "I want it, and I can't…I can't have it." He realized he sounded like he was talking about Jude. "I just…I can't ever be anything like a normal person. I'll always be the outsider."
"For God's sake– stop sayin' that!" Jude snapped, his face still neutral and focused on the road. "You can have it. You can have it all. A family, friends, lovers, experiences, travels– everything. You can have it!– You're just too fucking afraid to go and get it." He shook his head, almost envious of Nyx's chance of a fresh start. Nyx was different, yes, but that didn't matter. He was a thinking, breathing, and functioning human who was a hostage, if you could even call it that.
Nyx's eyes flickered, and he looked out the window again. He was silent for a long minute, and when he finally did speak, his voice was more subdued. "Maybe I am. But you still don't know shit about me, Jude. About anything I've been through or done." He tightened his arms around his legs. "Please stop trying to make my choices for me."
Jude scoffed lightly, "Well excuse me for not knowing, but I thought I'd made it clear from the beginning…I'm just trying to be there for you so you can have a life of your own, to leave this place– me, behind. What you do once you're out is your choice, but until then, I'm not gonna let you lie down and just…" He shook his head, remembering the days where he felt the same in wanting to just stay in one place forever. Those days had been both bad and good, sometimes he was filled with a comforting numbness, and others where he smiled so much he didn't dare stop. "I'm not trying to control you."
"I'm supposed to be a weapon." Nyx finally replied, slowly. "I was designed as a government funded project. One of my hands can crush a man's head as easily as you would crush a grape." he swallowed, still not looking at Jude. "I was designed to be as close to bullet-proof as possible. Life sign is easily disguised, and I have little to no body heat. When the government lost interest in the project, I was shut down. But that's still what I am. A…a weapon, a stealth operative, a killer."
Jude’s hand gripped a little tighter around the steering wheel, his knuckles turning a little white over the polished leather. So that was the truth… A weapon? How could that be true? The gentleness that surrounded him was impossible for a military machine. Jude ground his back teeth a bit at the thought of Nyx’s entire life being about killing and hurting people. “Fuck.” He muttered under his breath. This was too much. This is too much.
Nyx swallowed a little. "That's why I had to be so careful whenever you held my hands. If I had squeezed too hard, it would have shattered every bone in your hands." he said softly. He shook his head.
God, How he wished he could hold them again. Even with the cold metal and wiring, he didn't care, because they were his hands. "I should have been more careful." He muttered under his breath. The traffic was slowing now, and they were getting close to the business district. The streetlights shone brightly against his car, moving in reflective stripes as they moved. "This was all too much for you. I should've gone slower."
Nyx shrugged a little. "I was designed, mentally, for a war-zone. It wasn't too much. Just…new." he replied after a long moment. He kept looking out the window, quiet. He could remember flashes of his training. Of his programming. What they had made him do to test out their work.
"That's fucked up." Jude laughed humourlessly, That's so fucked up. His father's tech empire- his own father's company was harbouring such inhumane experiments. The ma who (barely) raised him was someone completely different. "What the fuck." He cursed again, smiling a bit. The glowing red lights of the car in front of him had transfixed him. How could he let this happen?
Nyx blinked slowly, looking over at Jude after a moment. He bit his lip. "I…" He shook his head a little bit, ducking his head and unable to look at Jude again. He ran a hand through his hair.
Jude tried to shift his attention to the cars in front of them. His brow was slightly furrowed in a suppressing frown, and they were stopped at a red light. The evening had cast a cool darkness over the city's sky. And the exhaust coming out of the car was white and billowy. Something was either wrong with that car's engine, or it was really cold outside. Jude shook his head as his frustrated thoughts crept back in, "I don't–" He sighed, "I don't know how to tell you how sorry I am."