Nyx was thoroughly, almost inescapably pinned down by the male above him, but he didn't feel threatened. God no. He felt the opposite. And he wanted more. As much as Jude would give him. His own kisses were just as greedy and fast, wanting and desperate.
Jude returned Nyx’s eagerness with his own, a soft groan escaping with the warm slide of his tongue against his. He could feel Nyx’s heartbeat thrumming against his wrists, a staccato rhythm that echoed in Jude’s veins. He knew this couldn’t last forever, and he pulled away slightly, trying to steady his breath. “Should we stop?”
Nyx's eyes flickered open. "I uhm…" He swallowed. "If you think we should." He replied slowly, looking up at Jude, his breathing fast and uneven and his eyes only half open.
Jude shook his head, "I don't want to." He smirked, his breath steadying but wanting nothing more than to be caught between their mouths. "Do you want to?" Jude asked, easing his grip on both hands.
Nyx licked his lips a little, staring up at Jude and taking a deep breath. He shook his head, eyes never leaving Jude's face. "No." He replied softly. "I-I don't."
"Good," Jude said before leaning in and kissing Nyx again, eyes rolling closed, his fingers pulling at the grass by Nyx's hands. He thought about what it'd be like once they had artificial skin on him, and if he could do something to make them less cold, nothing like Nyx's warm mouth finding his in a dance of their own. Why is it that we only kiss when we fall?
(beCAUSE YOU'RE FALLING IN LOVE–)
(sorry couldn't resist lmao)
Nyx's eyes slid shut as he returned Jude's kisses. He reached up and tugged Jude closer, pressing their bodies together until there was no space between them.
(ill be on and off btw)
(baahhaha lmaoo)
God, He thought, I haven't felt this way since Neil..and that's sayin' somethin'. Jude tried to push away the memories of his first love that ended in separation, not wanting to recognize this…him and Nyx, would probably end the same. It was just a fling, Jude knew, but the goodbye had been so painful that he swore he'd never start something this good that would end. His body against Nyx told him to stay, stay here with Nyx in the setting sun in the cool grass without an inch between them, but his mind told him to stop, trying to self-preserve his feelings.
(kk)
(LMAO)
Nyx, unaware of Jude's inner torment, continued to kiss him quickly and desperately and needily. He wanted Jude. He wanted to be kissed and held and hugged and loved and needed. He tugged Jude closer, eyes closed.
Jude kissed him back with a muted aggression, as if kissing Nyx would wash away the possibility of them leaving each other. One day Nyx would have to leave Jude, to get on with his life and live it for himself. He kissed him desperately, again and again for what felt like hours, telling him I want you, I want you.
Nyx kissed him back. No aggression in his, just a sweet neediness that thrummed through his body with his heartbeat. I want you. I want this. I want to be loved. I want you. He returned the kisses until his lips felt swollen and almost bruised, and still he didn't stop.
Jude slowed his returning kisses before stopping completely, slowly breathing into the side of Nyx's neck, breathing heavily against him still, and closing his eyes tightly, "I can't be with you." He murmured into his ear, "I want to."
Nyx opened his eyes a little bit, biting his lower lip for a moment. "Wh…why not?" he asked softly, glancing over at Jude and unsure what the other boy meant. "Is it because of what I…what I am?" Is it because I'm a cyborg? Is it because I'm not like you and I never can be? Because I'm an experiment?
"No." Jude frowned slightly, "No, no, of cours- ..why would you say that?" He said against his skin, not bearing to look him in the eyes. His right hand came to the Nyx's face, stroking it gently, "It– its too much. It's gonna fuck me up."
Nyx drew his eyebrows a little. "Okay. But I…I don't understand." he replied slowly, studying Jude. "I'm sorry. You'll have to explain. I…" he trailed off, knowing he was stammering, knowing he was rambling. But all he knew was that he had just been kissed like their lives depended on it, and now he was being pushed away again. He didn't understand.
"Well– I don't exactly know how to tell you…" Jude spoke quietly into his ear, not wanting to talk about Neil at this point of them knowing each other, but feeling the need to tell him how he really felt. He sighed, his eyelashes brushing against Nyx, "I'm an addict…I don't know if you know." Jude murmured in a tired haze, just wanting to be held and touched everywhere, "And right now.. I'm addicted to the way I feel when I think of you."
Nyx frowned a little, still not quite understanding. "I-I'm sorry. I don't…" he sat up a little, looking at Jude with confusion in his blue eyes. "I'm sorry." he said again, helplessly. "I know what the words mean but I don't understand what you mean." his shoulders sagged a little, embarrassed and ashamed that he was missing something that was probably too obvious.
Jude moved off of Nyx and rolled onto the grass beside him, laying on his stomach, and his elbows supporting him up as he gazed at Nyx. "It means…I get caught up with…certain things." He sighed heavily, toying with the grass beside him, "And I end up liking things too much…that it becomes– bad for me. I can't go down that road again, I've been there so many times it– it'll hurt me."
Nyx fidgeted with his fingers a little, the metal clicking together a little as he did. He nodded slowly. "Oh." his eyebrows drew together again. He was still trying to think about what to say. He was ashamed that he still couldn't quite understand. "I uhm…so…so you're worried that if we…you'll get hurt?" he looked at Jude, trying to understand.
Jude glanced at him, then looked away, biting his lip. "I mean you're bad for me," He sat up a little and placed a quick peck on his cheek, holding his face in his hands, "So, so, so bad." Jude kissed him on his lips, muttering quietly as he did, "..can't get enough of you."
Nyx caught Jude's wrists, gently pushing him away as he studied Jude. "Then…you shouldn't." he wanted to. Goddamnit he wanted to let Jude kiss him again until he could forget everything except Jude, but…"You're bad for me" echoed in his ears. "We shouldn't." his eyes flickered slightly.
"Oh but I want to…" Jude said, frowning slightly and pushing against Nyx now, staring longingly, painfully, at his lips. He begged himself, begged himself, told himself to stop, because this was the only way he'd survive emotionally, because he was the only way out of a relapse. I'm such a junkie. "I want to so bad–Just tell me no." He breathed, his jaw clenched like a tightened vice as he looked away, "Please, God, show me how to say no to this. Tell me no." Tell me yes.
(damnit now I'm thinking of "Hamilton" (That's when I began to pray: / Lord, show me how to / Say no to this / I don't know how to / Say no to this))
Nyx closed his eyes. He wanted to say yes so very, very badly. He wanted to let Jude kiss him again and again and again, but…but he couldn't. He shouldn't. He really, really shouldn't. Not when Jude had asked him to say no. "I-I…no." he finally said, softly. "You can't. We can't."
(hah ive never seen hamilton- but i know from a few friends into musicals that its good)
Jude nodded slowly, looking away for a moment as he ground his back molars. Fuck. He was angry more than anything– at himself, for letting it get this far and already hurting him so much. He was angry at his judgment, for letting him do this to Nyx, who'd never even been in love before, and had no idea what it was like being parted from someone because of it. It was a searing, gut-wrenching, and disgusting thing that Jude knew he would hate from the start. The growing affection and stolen glances all built up in the end,– that's what Neil had told him. It all could have been avoided, but Jude had been selfish and as a consequence, would pay for it now. He turned away, just like he'd done the last time they'd kissed, rubbing his eyes tiredly.
(you need to listen to it because it's the best lol)
Nyx watched him for a moment, then took a deep breath and looked away. He didn't know what to do. Because he wanted to kiss Jude again so very badly, but…but he shouldn't. He couldn't. He wouldn't. But…but God, if he stayed around with Jude for much longer, if he kept thinking about it…he would. He would, because he didn't have the self-control not to. He stood, walking a few paces away to give himself some space.