(will do!)
How could he have thought this was okay? Always wanting this he couldn't have…Jude touched his bottom lip like he might find the ghost of Nyx's there, listening as Nyx distanced himself quietly. All he wanted now was to leave him, go far away and never think of him again, but he also wanted to be with him, in the same way they had previously been; rolling around in the cool grass as the rose-coloured air surrounded them. He breathed deeply, staring at the orange sun sinking into the ground, the slow evening beginning. I fucked up.
"We should head back." Nyx finally spoke. His voice was quiet. "It's about time to put me back in my pod." He hesitated for a long moment. "And…maybe you shouldn't open it again." His voice was even quieter now. "Because I can't…I don't have enough self-control for the both of us, and I don't think you do either." He rubbed a hand over his face, glad that he couldn't cry.
Jude nodded, walking over to him with downfacing eyes, "Shut up. We'll figure it out." They had to– for the both of them. He knew the perils of self-control: he was toeing the line every second he was with Nyx, and now that he'd acknowledged what he felt– he was falling, falling and clawing at the air as he fell from stability.
"Figure what out?" Nyx demanded. Because I want you, Jude, and I don't think that's going to change, but I don't want to hurt you. "The best thing for both of us is if you put me back in, and never open it up again. I was never meant for…for this sort of thing anyways." He crossed his arms loosely. The white clothing he wore was grass stained, now, just a little bit.
"Whatever this is–" Jude gestured lazily between the two of them, keeping his eyes unmet with Nyx's as he lit a cigarette. "I'm not leaving you in. Stop asking." He sighed, slowly making his way through the grass.
"Why not?" Nyx retorted, clenching his jaw for a moment. He stopped when he heard the strange sound of metal scraping on bone, and realized he had clenched his jaw far too hard. He sighed, probing his teeth with his tongue to make sure nothing had broken.
“Because you deserve to live. That’s why.” Jude said, his burning cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and his hair hung over his eyes like a ragged curtain hiding his gaze of regret. “It’s my fault this happened.”
"I kissed you. Not the other way around. It's mine." Nyx replied. "Because I didn't stop and think about it." He kept his arms crossed, not looking at Jude. He dug in the grass with his toes, eyes fixed on his feet. He bit his lip a little. God, he wanted to be kissed again. But that couldn't happen. Shouldn't happen.
"I kissed you first, though." Jude turned to face him, taking a long drag and hoping it might take away the memory of Nyx's mouth. "I'd kiss you again, If I could. We shouldn't talk about this anymore, anyways." He shook his head, looking away as his hair swayed a bit in the cool air. "I'm trying stop this before it turns into something…bad for me, and I don't like that you think it's your fault. So..it's best if we just– drop it."
Nyx took a deep breath, and shook his head a little bit. "You don't understand what I'm trying to say, Jude." he replied, raking a hand through his hair. "I…I want to kiss you again. And I know that…I shouldn't, but I don't know if I can have enough self-control not to, and I don't want to end up…" he shook his head again.
Jude turned to Nyx, throwing his cigarette butt into a puddle. His breathing quickened as he neared him, now only inches from each other. Jude clenched his jaw, staring at Nyx, "Last one? And then we can't do it again." He said slowly, his hands curling at the thought of raking through Nyx's hair. "We can't."
Nyx's hands came up as a barrier between them. "I don't think that's a good idea." he replied softly, avoiding Jude's eyes. Even if I want to. God, I want to so badly. He swallowed, eyes flickering to their feet, and shaking his head a little bit. "It's not a good idea."
"But you just said– " His eyes flickered down to Nyx's hands, thinking it was probably a good idea if they didn't. This would torment him after, and he knew it would push him further over the line of stability. But he wanted to 'say goodbye,' just to leave him with a better memory of them together, a final kiss like taking a long breath of air before going underwater. "Just ten seconds…and then we'll never talk about it again."
(hoii goodmornin~~ just wanted to ask you if you were comfortable with me writing abt drugs, cus i have this idea of having jude come in a day late all hammered and quietly angsty, but if not thats perfectly fine too :)
(dude, I am totally fine with it. Go ahead)
But I don't want that. Nyx thought petulantly. I want you to kiss me every day, and I want you to want me and love me without having to worry about this stupid addiction thing. "It's not a good idea." he said again, softer. "Please, Jude."
"Why not?" Jude said, clenching his jaw for the hundredth time this day, "Isn't this what you want? I'm here– just this last time– I swear, and then we'll stop." The words, all to familiar to Jude echoes in his veins, the very bruised ones that used to trigger the same words, just this last time– I swear, and then I'll stop.
"Of course it's what I want!" Nyx snapped. "But if I'm…if it isn't good for you, than we shouldn't." He crossed his arms again, taking a deep breath. "God damnit, Jude! Come on!"
"Just one more time? Please." Jude sighed, grinding his teeth a bit, "I know it's bad for me, it'll be the last time. Just–" He stared at Nyx, the silence around them waiting for his next words. "Yes or No?"
Nyx finally shook his head. "No." He replied softly. God, I want to. "We shouldn't. We can't." He swallowed hard, looking at his feet again, not wanting to look at Jude. I want to so bad.
Jude took the smallest step closer, testing himself, "Yes or No? Tell me again." He tilted his head, trying to get Nyx's eye to meet his. "Yes. Or. No?"
Nyx swallowed, and shook his head. "No." He said firmly. He didn't know what he would say if Jude asked again. If he could refuse again. His resolve was crumbling, his heart desperate for just one more kiss. Just one more. He took a deep breath, still not meeting Jude's eyes.
Jude turned away, slow but abrupt, away from Nyx and began to walk down the short hill in the direction of the car. His mind was blank, gray and darkened with slurring thoughts as he walked with the wind rippling the grass, telling him to turn back and kiss him anyways. Nothing was coherent for Jude, like his thoughts were numb and colourless beings not wanting to say or do anything. He liked it this way; to feel nothing until he was in a space where he'd feel everything, all at once.
Nyx, watching Jude leave, was very, very glad he couldn't cry. Or he knew he would have. As it was, a stifled, pained little gasp left his throat, and he covered his mouth with a hand for just a moment. It isn't fair. His mind complained. He wished he could shout it. It isn't fair that we have to be like this. That I can't be a person and you…you have this stupid addiction.
Jude walked slowly through the field as if his body was trying to push him back to Nyx, the air around them turning to water as he sank through it, trying to move closer to the trees without being picked up by the current. The sky had turned a darkened purple, and the sun was nowhere to be found. All that remained now were the two figures making their way through the grass under a heavenward of bitter clouds and faint stars. Through his hazy thoughts, Jude managed to think of a story told by a stranger, somewhere in northern Italy, about a princess and a knight with a great but unknown love for each other; but they were friends. On the day that the prince longed to confess, he asked her: "Is it better to speak, or die?" His mind repeated, Is it better to speak, or die? and he answered, "It is better to die, rather than to speak knowing death will come from speaking."
Nyx followed him after a few minutes, arms crossed and his body and heart longing to be kissed again. Wanting to be held and kissed. But he couldn't have that. He would just hurt Jude. He wasn't good for the other male, he knew that. And it hurt. It hurt, because that was all he wanted now. Just Jude. But he couldn't have that.
