forum what no I'm not in too many one on ones

Started January 06, 2019 by @SaltyLasagna

tune

Sebastian withdrew his hand, nodding awkwardly. “O-Okay.” His eyes flickered around the room, darting form sharp object to sharp object.

Julian noticed the way Sebastian's eyes were wandering around the room. He felt his panic growing, but he fought it, tightening his grip on the armrest of his chair instead and forcing himself to speak. "I… I don't mean this in a creepy way or anything, but… are you going to be alone tonight?"

I am alone. “Yeah.” Sebastian cleared his throat. “As— as usual. Why?” His eyes snagged on the small box of pins on the manager’s desk, but he remained frozen, not daring to pick one up.

"There's not anyone you can stay with?" he asked. That's not good. The moment he was alone, he could do something to hurt himself, and there would be nobody there to stop him. Nobody to call for help. He'd be gone. He could feel the sting of tears welling up in his eyes, but he looked away before Sebastian could notice, staring down at the floor.

(It’s 3:04am.. I’m exhausted sorry
Hopefully I’ll see you soon, have a good Monday)

“No one.” Sebastian tilted his head, confusion lighting up his eyes. “What’s wrong? Why- why are you so upset?”

(k, goodnight)
Julian blinked rapidly, trying to get rid of the tears, but one managed to slip down his cheek. He dropped his head in his hands, breathing out slowly. "Nothing, I'm fine. I'm okay." His voice was muffled by his long sleeves.

(G’morning if you’re on)

“N-No you’re not. What-what’s wrong?” He scooted his chair closer until they were knee-to-knee. “What did I do?”

(morning)

"Nothing, I just…" I don't want to lose you, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop you from doing this, he thought. Before he could get the rest of the words out, there was a faint beeping sound. The hot water was ready.

(Heyo)

The sudden beeping distorted as if under water— Sebastian panicked, mistaking the sound for ambulance sirens.

Julian noticed his panicked state, and although he was confused as to why the beeping would freak Sebastian out, he tried to reassure him. "That's just the water machine thing."

“Oh.” He exhaled slowly, sinking back into his chair. “Sorry- I’m sorry.”

"Don't apologize, it's okay," Julian said, offering a smile, though he looked exhausted. He stood to get them both water. His shaking hands and dizziness made it difficult, but he managed.

“You should— you should relax,” Sebastian slurred in a protest, moving to stand and help him. It wasn’t right, Julian sacrificing his temporary wellbeing for someone like him. It wasn’t fair for him.

"No, I'm fine, you should sit down," Julian said, handing him a cup of hot water.

Accepting the cup with a trembling hand, Sebastian returned to his seat. He was silent for a long time before he finally found the courage to speak up. “You don’t- you don’t want me to go home tonight.” It was a guess, but one he was fairly confident in.

"I… I don't want you to be left alone. At least not right now," he said, taking a sip of the water. It burned his tongue, but the pain helped him stay steady and focused.

Sebastian, without hesitation, drained half the mug, breathing a sigh of relief at the sudden burning sensation that coated his throat. Pain… Finally. “Oh.”

Julian frowned. Drinking that had to hurt, but he figured that's why Sebastian did it. The thought of him wanting to cause him pain caused that flicker of panic in his chest to start to take over again, but he reached into his back for his pills. They didn't always stop really bad panic attacks, and they made him really sleepy, but they helped. He opened the bottle with shaking hands and took two, sighing with relief afterwards. It would start working in about 15 minutes.
He looked over at Sebastian again. Even though he was still alive, Julian felt overwhelming guilt and sadness, like he had already lost him.

Setting the now-empty mug back on the desk, Sebastian began to unconsciously scratching at the skin on his wrist, causing red marks to surface. “So- so what do I do then? If I can’t go home?”

Julian sighed. "I… I don't know. I'd invite you to stay at my place, but…" he won't want to go. You don't know each other well enough, and he's not going to want somebody watching over him all night. He glanced down at Sebastian's wrist, and almost reached out to stop him from scratching himself, but he didn't. He was terrified of doing anything, not knowing if he'd make the situation better or worse.

“But?” Sebastian dug his nails harder into the soft flesh of his wrist until red marks emerged, dragging his fingers up towards his forearm. He’d rolled up his sweater sleeves somewhere during the process, and a battlefield of scars had been exposed, running all the way up to his elbow. In some places, the scars formed carefully carved grids, in others, only rough slashes were displayed.

"But I don't think you'd be on board with that," he said, his gaze flicking down to Sebastian's wrist a few times as he spoke. He reached over to grab his wrist gently. "Don't do that, you're hurting yourself."

Sebastian flinched away, hiding his wrist behind his back. “I don’t- I don’t exactly have anywhere else to go. Unless you just.. let me go home.”

"I can't exactly stop you from doing anything, that's out of my control. But I'm afraid the moment you're alone, you'll do something horrible," he explained. And then it'll be your fault. Because you couldn't stop him. You couldn't talk him out of it.

Sebastian swallowed anxiously, eyes darting away. “Oh,” was all he said in reply, but his answer gave his thoughts away: Julian was correct. As soon as he was alone….