Left to himself, Sebastian struggled to take breath after breath, hands clenched tightly in his lap to prevent them from trembling. He had tried to kill himself last night– that, at least, had been planned. Had been wanted. But he'd gotten too drunk. He'd failed, broken, and now Julian was left trying to pick up the pieces. Fuck. What am I going to do? Sebastian rolled up the sleeve of his hoodie, exposing the many scars carved into his arm. Desperately trying to stay on top of the wave of panic, he dug his nails into a particularly deep gouge, dragging them up and down the length of it until the skin broke.
When Julian came back and saw Sebastian dragging his nails across a wound in his arm, he froze, not sure what to do. He could feel his panic and anxiety fighting for control in his mind. His chest tightened, and his breaths became shorter and a bit more strained. There was a soft rattling sound in his lungs and a bit of pain, but after a moment he managed to force himself to walk forward. "Sebastian what are you– why are you doing that?" he asked, setting the coffee down on the table.
Sebastian jerked his sleeve down, turning his head away. He was silent for a long time, struggling to come out on top of the wave of panic that threatened to submerge him. When he finally spoke again, his hands were shaking uncontrollably. “Because it hurts.”
"Why do you want to hurt yourself?" Julian asked, though he wasn't sure if that was the right thing to say. Fuck, I'm so bad at this…
Sebastian fell silent for several minutes, eyes fastened to the floor. “Because,” he began quietly, “It— God, I don’t know. The pain. It’s— fuck.”
Julian nodded, not knowing what to say. Talking about it seemed like it was causing Sebastian even more pain. "Okay…" he started, taking a deep breath. "Well, your coffee is here, and if you want, I can help you clean up your arm and put something over it."
“Thank you for the— for the coffee,” he managed, taking it into shaking hands. “But, ah, no to the second part. I appreciate the— the gesture, but…”
"Okay… just make sure you take care of it," he said, not wanting to push Sebastian any further. He held his coffee and sat down on the floor and sipped his coffee. It was a little too hot, but it kept him awake. "How are you feeling?"
Sebastian eagerly gulped down his drink, nodding unconvincingly. “I’m.. fine. You?”
"Exhausted and hungry, but okay," he admitted, leaning against the couch and closing his eyes. He longed for sleep, but his fear of nightmares kept him wide awake no matter how tired he was.
