Evan bit his lip, picking at his fingers as he sat on his bed, feeling both elated and nervous the more he thought about what he had just done.
Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing.
He really liked Nico, he had since they first moved in together. They could make it work.
He pulled his cellphone from his pocket and sent a quick message to Nico:
‘If you’d like to, after your call we could watch a movie. For real this time.’
He laughed softly to himself as he hit send, laying back in his bed and grabbing the deck of cards he kept nearby.
The metallic cards were his favorite, decorated a little like tarot cards with a black background and a variety of colors that labeled the cards as spades, diamonds, clubs, or hearts.
Nico rubbed his calloused hand up and down his arms, feeling the urge the scratch relentlessly, he know he would get looked down upon
Why did always have to ruin things
With a soft sigh, Evan shuffled the cards. He wasn’t used to the whole relationship thing. Sure he had had a few boyfriends before but they were short lived. Everyone else was a fling.
He stood up and shuffled to his mirror, looking at himself,
Who would love this, anyway?
He lifted his shirt to glance at his lower abdomen. Scars littered his sides and he look awful. He never wanted to be this skinny, he was just trying to please his father. He wanted to be normal without trust issues and the urge to make himself ill every 2 hours
He pulled a few cards from the deck and sighed softly. Ace of Hearts, six of diamonds, and eight of spades.
He admired each cards surface, smiling softly at the ace of hearts. It had always been his favorite.
Maybe he’d get to share all of his favorite things with Nico. He hoped so. He really liked his roommate - in the ‘I want to be more than friends’ kind of way.
He threw the hem of his shirt back down and began mumbling nonsense under his breath. He closed his eyes, thinking about how things got like this.
His mother had moved away, yet he chose to stay with his father. If he had gone with her, the accident wouldn't have happened. His father would have never hurt him like that.
Or at least he hoped that was the case.
Softly mumbling Elvis Presly under his voice, Nico pulled the bathroom door open, not bothering to close it behind him.
Evan perked up when he heard the bathroom door open but not close. He tilted his head, peeking out of his room and blinking. "Nico? Is everything okay?" He called out softly, fanning his cards out to pass the time and to give his hands something to do while they waited.
Still softly mumbling to himself, he let his hands wander his abdomen as he blinked back tears.
~Wise men say~
He bit his lip and gripped the edge of the sink, his breathing becoming ragged as he continued to sing the song his mother used to.
~Only fools rush in~
He felt sick, light-headed, as his sweaty palms began to slip along the porcelain.
Evan gently knocked on the bathroom door, biting his lip.
He knew it wasn’t his place to meddle but he worried about the smaller male.
Nico swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut. He felt like he couldn't breathe. His head pounded as he tried to ease the pain behind his eyeballs
~But I can't help~
A strangled sob left his throat, his legs finally giving way.
~Falling in love~
His body hit the floor, the room spinning. He gasped again, a pathetic whimper escaped his lips.
~With~
Why did every relationship end like this?
~You~
The thump was enough, Evan turned the knob, trying the door with a slight panic welling in his chest.
He didn’t know Nico very well, but he knew when the other boy was acting strange.
Nico didn't feel well, he didn't feel well at all.
His stomach churned and his breathing was heavy, he couldn't move as his muscles tightened.
He watched Evan enter the room, and he looked up hopelessly, silently begging for help.
“Nico!” Evan dropped to his knees right besides the smaller male, gently placing a hand on Nico’s face.
“Hey, hey…” he carefully pulled Nico’s head into his lap, studying his face with a look of extreme worry. “I’ll call the medics, the ambulance, something, but breath with me right now, alright? Breath in slowly, focus on me, okay Nico?” He dragged his fingers carefully through Nico’s hair, trying to comfort the other as he hurriedly pulled his phone from its place.
“I’m right here, everything is going to be okay, you’re not alone.” Evan murmured, biting his lip as he gently stroked Nico’s hair.
Nico swallowed roughly watch this roommate pull out his phone to call for help.
He hated how he felt. He knew this was because he didn't eat enough. He knew they were going to take him to the hospital and Evan would find out everything he's hidden so well.
He wanted to kick and scream, he wanted to protest and yell about how he was fine, just a bit tired, but he couldn't move.
He opened his mouth despite his body screaming not to. Stomach bile burnt his throat as his body tried to rid itself of everything hurt him. It ran down his chin as he tremored slightly, tears burning his eyes
This was it
Evan spoke quickly to the operator, giving their address as he watched Nico carefully, his eyes slightly wet.
Even had never been a crybaby, but when he felt intense fear he always cried. Everytime. It was why he avoided horror movies and scary situations. It made him feel weak in a way.
He wiped at his eyes, cursing at himself. Nico was more important. “It’s going to be okay, Nico, I’m right here, they’re on their way.” He sucked in a deep breath and gently wiped away the trails down Nico’s chin.
A gurgling noise escaped his throat as he laid helpless.
He didn't want to go like this. He always thought he'd die by his own hands, not some stupid panic-attack-organ-failure.
He swallowed down the reminisces of bile and mucus stuck in his mouth.
He managed to squeeze out a little noise of desperation,
"Ngh-" he gasped, the tremors becoming more violent,
"pl-eaassee."
“Don’t talk, Nico, rest for me okay? It’s going to be alright, just breath and relax,” Evan soothed, his own shaky hands pausing. He didn’t know if the words were for Nico or for him.
It didn’t take long for the paramedics to arrive, Evan didn’t leave Nico’s side through it all, offering soft words of comfort to Nico.
The ambulance ride was too quiet, too tense for Evan. It made himself a little sick to the stomach.
The room was dead quiet. No one really knew what to say.
Instead, situated in his little hospital room, he whispered,
"'m sorry."
Evan shook his head, sitting in the bed-side chair and offering his hand for Nico. “It’s alright, I just wish I could have helped more…” he sighed deeply, his free hand rubbing at his jeans as a way to ground himself. “You should be more careful, idiot. Even if you don’t want to be anything more than roommates I’ll still care for you. In fact I want to at least friends if you don’t see me in any romantic way. Seeing you like this hurts me.”
"I-"
Nico swallowed, trying to calm his nerves,
"I'm scared to love again, Evan."
Evan blinked at Nico, taken aback by his words. “Oh… I- I didn’t know I’m sorry.” He drew his arms back into his sides, hugging himself as he looked over Nico sadly.
“May I ask why?”
Nico bit his lip and shook his head,
"My parents… they went through a messy divorce when I was young. My father was never the most stable of person, but he never laid a hand on us, he only ever yelled. My brother ran away, he was fine, kept up with phone calls and stuff, but I think that might have pushed him over the edge. My mother up and left, took my sister and argued with my dad about who got to keep me. She asked me who I wanted to stay with and like a dumbass, I pick my dad. Things were okay, Mum came down every other weekend to see me,"
He paused, unsure on how to say the next bit,
"She died, on the road. She skidded on ice on Christmas eve. The only reason she was on the road was to come and see… me"
Nico swallowed, glancing around awkwardly. It was time to tell him. Time to tell him why he doesn't drink, why he's scared of his own image in the mirror, why's he freaked out after they slept together.
"My dad wasn't himself after that… he was angry, frustrated, I guess. Like he had this pent up-"
He hesitated,
"Pent up sexual frustration. The crash just pushes him over the edge, knowing he had no chance of getting his wife back, so…."
Nico blocked back the tears in his eyes. But he wasn't crying- no- he promised himself he wouldn't cry about this again,
"He took it out on the person closes to him."
The room sat in heavy silence, Nico didn't dare move his eyes from his fingers.
"So, there you go. That's- That's why I'm afraid to love."
Evan was silent for a long time, staring at Nico with an expression that was hard to read. Eventually he reached out, gently taking one of Nico’s hands and bringing it to his lips in a soft kiss.
“Thank you for telling me, Nico,” he started softly, rubbing his thumb against the back of Nico’s hand. “That sounds awful… you’re so strong for going through that…” Evan sniffled, squeezing his eyes shut so he wouldn’t cry in front of Nico. It ended up happening anyways, but Evan just let the tears flow.
“I understand better now, why you’re scared of it. I promise you I would never harm you or do anything you don’t want. That includes just being by you or talking with you. If I make you uncomfortable be free to tell me. And if you need to talk, I’m always open.”
Nico laughed dryly,
"It's the first time I've ever opened up like that. I just have trusted anyone enough, ya know? But- you seem different, for some reason. Maybe it's instinct to gravitate towards people who care, but I'm not sure. I guess I just.. trust you."
“It makes me really happy that you’re opening up to me.” Evan replied, sliding his chair a little closer to the bed so he could get a better look at Nico’s face.
“Thank you for trusting me.”
