Evan was feeling dizzy. Whether that was from the alcohol or the anxiety he felt at the moment could be debated.
He shifted slightly, looking over at Nico expectantly. He wanted to apologize for offering alcohol to Nico but he couldn’t make himself break the silence.
"So.. " he whispered fiddling his thumbs
He wanted to tell Evan everything. He's never told anyone his background willingly. He used to drink, he drank all the time, hoping to drown himself on temporary estasy. He would get pissed with one of his friends then break down completely, telling them everything, which often led to days without contact and an awkward apologetic phone call.
He rubbed his palms on his jeans, thinking carefully about his next move.
"How was your day?"
“Eh, same as always except I’m feeling much better after spending some time with you.” He slurred, laughing softly. “In full honesty, I haven’t felt this good since before we were quarantined.”
Nico chewed his lip.
"Yeah, guess I haven't been so care free since-"
He paused and thought for a minute,
"Since 5th grade I guess."
“Feels nice doesn’t it?” He asked softly, bringing his knees up to his chest and hugging them. “Being so carefree… it’s kinda gotten boring when I go out with my friends.” He admitted, sighing.
"Oh? What do you mean?"
He asked, raising an eyebrow,
"Elaborate."
“I dont know how to describe it. I just, well… I’m tired of going out with my group and getting drunk off our asses. It was fun for a long time. And I mean a really long time. But now I feel a bit awkward. I still drink, but not for fun.” He sighed deeply and leaned back a little bit.
“Might be a bit of an alcoholic now. At least I quit smoking. That I’m proud of.”
Nico smiled softly,
"Yeah, that's definitely a huge accomplishment. There are other highs, though. I filmed a video with some friends the other day i felt so…" he paused, feeling stupid suddenly.
"…Nevermind."
“No, no, go ahead. I won’t judge. And I like listening to you talk about the things you do.” He gently nudged Nico, grinning as he took another drink.
"I felt.. normal, ya know? Like, I was smiling and laughing and having fun for once. I'd just forgot about everything and-"
He swallowed, determined not to let his emotions overcome him,
"It felt like home, ya know?"
“I understand that. It’s a good feeling isn’t it?,” he purred, looking over at Nico and smiling. “If it feels normal, keep doing it. It’ll be good for you.”
Nico nodded,
"I guess, I just miss them. My best friend lives in Canada, so I don't get to see him that often. He calls me each night and we talk and he makes sure I'm eating and-"
He choked out a sob,
"He tells me he wants me to be safe, to not do anything dangerous. I want him to do the same but he always ignores me, I just want him to feel like can take time to help himself instead of just looking after me. He had it so much worse then I did, but he so detached from his trauma its unhealthy…"
He stopped and lighted lightly,
"Sorry, I'm waffling, that probably made no sense anyway."
“I don’t mind at all, go ahead and talk. It feels good to talk. But as for your friend, keep in contact. They might be a little reckless but if they’re your friend then talk to them. It’s good for you.” Evan tipped the bottle back to his lips but paused. He didn’t think it would be a good idea to get any more drunk.
So instead he set the bottle down on the ground by the bed and sighed. “Maybe I should quit drinking too.”
Nico shrugged,
"It's okay to casually drink. I don't mind a sip here and there, but I never get intoxicated. People do stupid things when they're drunk.."
he trailed off, blinking aimlessly,
"I don't wanna be that kind of person."
Evan nodded, sighing deeply. “Drunken people are awful… I’m one of them. I’m an idiot when drunk and quite frankly an ass.” He groaned and flopped onto his back.
“Which is why I want to quit. But I can’t help but drink when nervous.”
"It's a type of self-harm, ya know? People may not have the intention of hurting themselves, but they have the intent to feel something. Often we feel so empty we fill the hole with endorphins and man-made chemicals."
Nico shook his head,
"If you quit smoking then you can quit drinking easy."
“Ah hell. I didn’t know that.” Evan began to laugh softly, covering his face with his hands. “I’m sure I can. You’ve inspired me.” He grinned stupidly. “You should become a motivational speaker. That was by far the most inspiring thing I’ve ever heard.”
Nico smirked a bit, shrugging,
"It's why I do youtube i guess, just wanna help out."
He looked down at his shaking hand, unsure of why he was so anxious.
“Could you be any more perfect?” Evan rumbled happily, flashing a small grin up at the other. “YouTuber, motivational, super cute, fun, attractive… the list goes quite far. I’m impressed.”
Nico opened his mouth, but no words came.
"I-i'm okay, I guess." he managed to squeeze out, clamping his hands together,
"Nothing like my friends, though. Their way better at the whole motivation thing then I'll ever be."
“It’s still impressive that you do it. Regardless of how others are.” He reassured, gently reaching out to set a hand on the other’s arm.
"Really, I'm not that good at it," he laughed,
"My friend Jamie is really good at motivation though, you should check him out."
he placed his hand on top of Evans,
"I'm not really apart of the group. Jamie and Alex are funny and play off each other really well, and Dally's really smart and goes to uni. I'm kinda just,,, there."
“I think you’re pretty good at it,” Evan said with a soft pout, giggling at himself.
“I feel the same in my friend group. Ven is the leader, they’re strong and fun and bright. And Natalie and Gwen have each other. Terry doesn’t like me very much as is. But I think that’s because he knows how big of an alcoholic I really am.” Evan turned his hand around so he could hold Nico’s, blushing lightly.
"We've all got our struggles…" he whispered, barely audible.
They sat silently till Nico turned to look at him
"Evan, I need to tell you something, okay?"
Just as he went to speak again, a familiar tune rang from his phone,
"O-oh! Sorry, I gotta take this…"
He nodded, zoning out for a moment as he thought. The silence felt strange and slightly awkward.
When Nico spoke he blinked in surprise. “Oh! Okay, what is it Nico?”
He looked to the phone and blinked again. “Go ahead and take it.”