Lucian nodded his head. It had been ten years. Ten years too long. He remembered all the times he had picked up a sheet of paper and a quill and put words to paper. The amount of times he had written to Aurel, talking about his days and how much he missed his friend. Every one of then went unanswered. Then, Luce had thought he was being ignored. Now that he was older, he suspected they had never even been sent. But he couldn't voice those suspicions. He needed his father to respect him. At least for now. At least until his rebellion finally took over.
"Yes, ten years." A very long ten years. Where they had both been shaped and molded by the horros around them. Aurelium had been hardened and played into the role given to him. Lucian had been disgusted and rebelled against the role he was expected to fill. "H-how have you been?" Lucian didn't know how to handle this. He didn't know how to speak to his childhood friend. They had changed too much.
Aurel had never received any letters from Lucian, and he himself had not had the time or ability to write letters. So it had been ten years since he and Lucian had had any sort of contact. At the question, he took a deep breath, brows drawing together faintly. How could he answer that question? So much had happened in the last ten years, how could he honestly answer? Was he supposed to answer the way his 14 year old self, lonely and terrified, would have answered? 16 years old, the eve of his duel, terrified and desperate. 18, older and wiser, and so angry. Or now? No longer terrified, but full of anger. Full of anger and a cruelty that whispered beneath his skin of violence, like a caged wolf, or a bear. A predator backed into a corner, ready to lash out with his teeth.
"I have survived." and oh, what that survival had cost him. Maybe the things he had lost were good losses, though. He could not have ruled properly, with them. "And what of yourself?" how much had Lucian changed? He had heard nothing of the other man during his time in the army. He knew his own reputation had gone far and wide, especially after he won his duel and passed that rite of passage, but he had not heard anything of Lucian.
How did Lucian answer that? That been separated for two years. So much has changed for him. He was no longer that loving, playful boy he had once been. He was no longer that boy that had fallen in love with his friend Aurel. He was now the man that was actively trying to take down the king. There needed to be a new king. A better king. Someone that didn't commit atrocities against humanity. Someone that didn't participate in camps and torturing of his people. Lucian couldn't say that. Not unless he wanted to be tortured for information and eventually killed. So what could he say? He could say that he's been alright but that would be a lie. He coukd say he's been living but has he truly? Is this anyway to truly live? Lucian didn't think so.
"I've survived." He repeated the words back to Aurel. There wasn't any other way to put it. He was suriving. Something that couldn't be said about many of the people residing in the kingdom. He was alive. Everyday he did what was expected of him while actively undermining his father. And now he was going to undermine the king. This was the end. It was so close. He was so close. They were nearing the end and he needed to play this right or everything would be screwed.
He didn't say anything in response to that reply, knowing it was useless. Gods, they had both survived, and what were they? What were they. He did not know anymore, who or what he was. The only words he had were the ones others had given to him. Prince. General. Left hand of the King. Or the other names, the ones people didn't think he heard, but he did anyway. The ones that called him a monster, the ones that called him murderer, monster, beast. The ones that whispered about how much blood stained his hands (sometimes he thought he could feel it still), the ones that murmured of the horrors he had done and experienced. And was he not all of those things? Prince and general, and monster too.
The halls of the palace were his home but they had never felt like one. How many happy memories of this place did he have? Not many. None with his family. The only family member he had only pleasant memories of was Max, and Max had been dead for a long, long time. Max, who was the only member of their family that the rumors barely touched anymore. The king did not speak of his oldest son. Pretended he had never existed, really.
What a sad pair they were, Lucian thought. Two surivors who had done what they had to do to survive. Both in their own way. Aurel had to fight to live. Luce had rebelled against the throne so he didn't take his own life at the horrors he saw. He didn't have the power to fix things. Not as a Duke's son. And not even as a Duke. Not unless he had the King in heart and pocket. And he never would. At least not this current king. Prince Aurel was yet to be seen, he supposed. Perhaps his childhood friend was still in there. Maybe. Or maybe Lucian was clinging onto a useless hope. He had always been the one to look on the optimistic side of things.
Lucian didn't know what to say. What did one say to a friend from Ten years ago? A childhood friend and love? He had already asked how he had been. What more was there to say now? He had heard the rumors of what the prince had been up to all these years. He knew there was some truth in them. Somewhere. "It's good to see you," he finally settled on. That was safe. That was food. Maybe he coukd reestablish their friendship and get the information he needed. It was worth a try.
"It is good to see you as well." he agreed, gaze cutting over to Lucian again, watching the other man for a long, long moment. Gods, they had so much shared history, and yet, it was all from so long ago. Sometimes he wished that he could go back to it. Back to those years, before the military, before his duel, before everything that had happened. Sure, his time then had not been beautiful or joyous, but it had been better than this. Better than what had come after. But he could not ask if Lucian felt the same way. Revealing a weakness like that…no. It wasn't a good idea, and it wouldn't work out well for him. Revealing weakness was not something he was going to allow himself to do, not even to Lucian. They might once have been good friends, but not anymore. Not now.
He continued walking through the halls with Lucian. To be honest, he wasn't sure if Lucian remembered the way back to the quarters that the Duke's family had, but Aurel did. He knew the way there. He had run these halls to visit Lucian so many times, had fled his own quarters to visit his friend's instead.
Lucian could feel the prince's eyes on him. He was staring at him for far too long. Longer than proper. It made him stiffen. Had Aurelium figured him out already? The prince had always been good at discovering people's characters. Even as children they would play games where they guessed the other person's secret life and then they would spy on them to see who was the closest and it was always Aurel. Lucian was putting himself at a high risk for being here. Not only was he risking his own life but he was risking the rebellion. He would like to think he would be able to hold his tongue during torture but he knew almost everyone broke. Whatever the king did to them, they always broke. Lucian couldn't afford to fail. Not now. Not when they were so close to succeeding.
He glanced down at his shoes as he put one foot in front of another. He let muscle memory guide him. It had been too long for him to remember where his room was but his feet knew where to go. And with the prince walking by his side, he knew he was going in the right direction. He lifted his head and clenched then stretched his fingers. He was nervous but he couldn't tell if it was because of who Lucian was now or if it was because he was in the presence of his childhood friend. His childhood love, really. And all these years apart, all the stories he had been told, hadn't done anything to make it go away. Not with he way his heart was squeezing in Aurel's presence. This was going to be a lot harder than he thought it would be.
(hnn sorry for the wait!)
They finally arrived at Lucian's chambers, and Aurel stopped. He didn't open the door, leaving that for Lucian. "Here you are." he said, gaze moving about the hall for a moment before it settled on Lucian again. He didn't know how to read his oldest friend anymore. Did not know any longer how to interact with the young man who had once been his closest and best friend. "It's…good to see you again." his brows gathered faintly, but the words he spoke were true. Even if he and Lucian would never be friends again, it was good to see the young man again. Good to see that Lucian was at least alive, if nothing else. They had both survived, gods, but what had their costs each been?
He stepped back faintly, hand rubbing along the pommel of his sword in a gesture that was half-nervous, half-soothing. To someone else, it might look odd, or even threatening, but he did it now out of a desire for comfort. He found more comfort in the touch of his hand against the pommel of his sword than in anything else. The knowledge that he had a weapon, that he could defend himself, was comforting, even if he was in little danger from Lucian.
They finally came to his door and Lucian stopped just outside. He turned to face Aurel, lips pressed in a flat line as he looked at him up this close. He could truly see the wear of years at war. How much older Aurel looked by the horrors he'd faced, even when Lucian was a year older. If he looked hard enough, he could almost see the memories of war in his eyes. Something that made him shift on his feet and look away. He didn't want to see that. He didn't want to sympathize with his friend who had caused so much pain and suffering to the people. The prince was a part of the problem Lucian was trying to fix. He only hoped that he wouldn't have to kill his friend. He was sure it would break him.
"And you as well," he said in a quiet voice. He looked around, noting where the guards were stationed before looking back at Aurel. he made a mental note to track the guards' rotations and find the blind spots in them so he could sneak around. His eyes flickered to Aurel's sword, watching as the prince stroked the handle. Had it been anyone else, he would have been nervous that it was intended to be drawn on him. But he knew better than that. He would like to believe he knew Aurel better than that. He took half a step forward, hand twitching as if he meant to place his own on the hand of the prince, to calm him, but he thought better of it. He cleared his throat, raising said hand to the back of his neck to scratch it.
(also oop, Pinterest board– https://www.pinterest.com/akarc04/characters/aurelium-dyre-montvelio/)
Aurel paused for a long moment, studying Lucian with a searching gaze. There were words on the tip of his tongue, but he could not find them. He wanted to say something, but what could he say? He had no idea who Lucian was anymore. Was Lucian still the boy, soft at heart and kind, who had set a rabbit caught in a trap free in the gardens? Or had these ten years turned Lucian hard, the way it had Aurelium? He had hardened and splintered and hardened again, become this thing built of pieces that his father had polished to shards. But what about Lucian? They were strangers now. Strangers with a shared past, and nothing more.
He did catch that slight movement, watched the way Lucian's hand moved up, out, then to his neck. "Is there anything else you need?" he finally asked. He was no servant, but he would be able to help if Lucian needed something. Maybe. His only other choice was to go back to the throne room, to see what his father wanted, to listen in silence as the king and the duke talked, dancing around that old issue without bringing it up.
(Not the back with scratch marks XD)
Lucian took that half of a step back, sliding back into the spit that he had previously been in. Why had he done that? He didn't know. There wasn't any reason other than the pouring of his heart and a love he truly never got over. He thought this woukd have been done by now, these feelings he felt. He had been with a couple people over the years but it had never felt right and it had never lasted for every long. He never undstood until now. Now that he was standing face to face with that reason. Because he was still in love with the prince. Despite all the things Aurelium has done. Despite all the horror he had unleashed. Despite that they were on opposite sides, he still loved him. At least some part of himself that was stuck as that young boy who lived in the palace. He was still in love with his friend. And that was going to make everything hurt so much more. That was going to make everything worse.
Lucian wanted to say yes. He wanted to invite Aurel into his room and sit and catch up. He wanted to speak to him and find out if his friend was still buried inside the prince. But it wasn't proper. It wasn't done. He had only just been invited back to court, he shouldn't be inviting the prince into his rooms. Not yet. He finally shook his head no, "No, thank you. I can take it from here." And yet he still did not open the door.
(look, it fits him lmao)
Aurel's chin dipped in a nod, and one foot slid faintly against the floor, preparing to step away. And yet. What was waiting for him when he left Lucian? Only his father. Only his father, and a palace that had not been a home in years, if ever. But what was there here, either? Only a man that, ten years ago, had been his closest companion. Now, he knew nothing about him. And he should not linger, certainly should not come into Lucian's quarters. It would not be proper for a prince, and especially not one with his reputation. And especially not with how fragile the relations between the king and the duke were right now. But oh, he had so many memories attached to this hallway, to this room.
His gaze flicked to the doorway, to the small nicks on the frame that he remembered putting there oh so clearly. They had been playing around with his dagger, his first real weapon, and had chopped at the doorframe with it. Lucian's father had not been very pleased with the damage, but it was so small that there had been no real reason to replace the frame. And now, years later, those little nicks and scratches remained, a testament to years neither of them would ever get back.
Lucian noted Aurel's hesitation to leave. He wasn't sure what to make of it. The prince he knew had not gotten along with his father. But what about this prince? He had done such horrible acts in the name of the king. What did that mean for their relationship? He wondered if he might be able to exploit that and obtain information he might need. Then the guilt hit him at that thought. He never felt proud of what he was doing, spying on his father, snooping. It didn't feel right. He did feel some guilt, no matter how much a terrible person his father was. It was still his father despite whT a terrible man he was.
Finally, he reached his hand and turned the know of the bedroom door. He opened it ajar, pausing and looking back at Aurel. He shouldn't do this. It wasn't proper. Both of them could get into trouble. And yet he still loved back at the prince. "Would you like to come in?" He asked.
His gaze stayed on the door as it opened, eyes moving to the room beyond. He could remember, just before being sent away, spending the night in Lucian's room, heartbroken and terrified of the future. How that fear and sadness had turned into so much anger. He had thrown things, screamed about how much he hated his father, and it had just ended with broken crying, hidden behind his hands when his body ran hot with shame at his own tears, at his own weakness. Lucian had been there for it all. He couldn't remember if he had cried since then. Not like that, anyway. Not shaking and breathless, with terror and so much hate in his veins. The hate had never left, not really. He had just gotten used to it.
"I shouldn't." he replied to that question. But he wanted to. He ran his hand over the pommel of his sword again, that same nervous gesture that kept cropping up. Lucian being back was throwing him off-balance, he didn't know how to process it. He looked around the hall for a moment, eyes landing on the guard that stood down the way. Just on duty, doing his job. Likely the man would think nothing of the prince going into the duke's son's room. "But my father will not miss me, if I do." he looked at Lucian again, letting the choice be the other man's. Did Lucian truly want Aurel's company, or did he just think he had to offer it?
Lucian remembered the last time Aurel was in his room. He remembered it like it was yesterday. It was the worst day of his life. His father had decided to send the prince away to join the army. He remembered the mess Aurel made, the things he had broken. They were Lucian's things that had gotten broken but he never said a word in anger. He only waited until it was safe enough ti aporach Aurel and pull him into a hug. He had been taller back then and had tucked the prince's head under his chin. He didn't offer any sweet words or say everything was going to be okay. He only hugged him and cried with him. This room did not hold only good memories. It held wounds aw well he wasn't sure had healed over.
Aurel didn't say no, but he didn't say yes. Lucian made the executive decide to push the door open and let it swing. He stepped aside, allowing room for Aurelium to step through first before following in after him. He clicked the door shut after they had both entered the room. He debated about turning the lock just so they didn't have to worry about anyone interrupting then but decided against it. He already had the prince in his room. It woukd be worse if he locked it.
Aurel stepped into the room as Lucian opened it, then paused a little ways in. What was he supposed to do now? Ten years ago he would have flung himself onto the bed, or onto the couch, but now, he did not know what to do. He could not throw himself onto Lucian's bed, not with the wild abandon he used to. Nor would it now be appropriate for him to do so. Without being invited to sit, he should not. Even being the prince, he had to follow the regular norms. Lucian's father held a lot of power, and Lucian would inherit that power someday.
He watched as Lucian came in, watched as the door clicked shut, sealing them in. But he still didn't speak. What could he say? He cleared his throat faintly, running a hand through his short, dark hair. "It's, ah, been a while since I was in here." were they both thinking of that final night? Probably. Gods, that had been one of the worst days of his life. He had been so scared, sure he was going to die within the next few years. Sure that, like Max, he wouldn't make it past 16. That, like Max, he would fail, and die at the hands of his own father.
Lucian was stuck in the doorway. He was frozen in a memory. Or a wave of memories, more like. He saw themselves, ten years ago. He saw the first time he walked into this room, the first time Aurel come over. He saw a rush of memories of then playing, hiding, and of course, their last day together. He was standing in the spot where Aurel had thrown a chair. A broken chair that Lucian had taken the fall for. He had taken the blame for everything and had earned a beating in return. He never told Aurel about that.
He cleared his throat and walked forward, the prince speaking that broke him out of his trance. He moved towards the small sofa, signaling that the prince should sit. Lucian woukd take the chair across. "You and me both." Lucian had tried sneaking into the prince's rooms his master few night he had been in thepalace. He was only successful the first night before getting caught.
He sat down on the sofa, adjusting his sword as he sat down so that it would not damage the sofa beneath him. He had broken enough things in this room, there was no reason to do so again. The silence felt heavy and so full of everything the two had not said. Everything that they might once have said, had this been ten years ago. Had history gone differently. If they had been anyone other than who they were. Or even if just Aurel was anyone else. He was the one, maybe, who had changed the most. But he didn't know. He didn't really know anything about Lucian anymore, did he?
He settled his hands on his knees, eyes moving around the room again. It still looked so similar to how it had been. Same layout, same wall colors. The bones of the room hadn't changed. The furniture was all the same, still in the same place. He was sure that if he went over to the bed and flipped up the long, draping blankets, he would find the scratches in the frame that they had put there with a knife.
Lucian took the small loveseat across from him and tried not to remember all the times the two boys had sat on that sofa next to each reading a book or fantasizing about another life for each other. He didn't even attempt to look at the bed, all those nights they had fallen asleep together after staying up so late. It had looked the same from the brief glimpse he had gotten. He wondered if their initials were still carved into it or if the frame had finally been replaced after all these years of being unoccupied.
Looking at Aurel, he wondered to himself why he had even invited the prince in the first place. What did they have to talk about? He highly doubted either one of them wanted to talk about Aurelium's crimes against humanity or Lucian's rebellion that was actively trying to kill the king, and by extension, possibly the prince. At least if he couldn't flip him which Lucian wasn't sure he was going to be able to do. Perhaps this had been a bad idea to invite him inside but it was too late now. There was nothing that could be done. All that there was left to do was talk. But about what?
"I'm sorry," the words slipped out before he could even recognize it happening, "That I couldn't stop it. That I couldn't do anything to protect you." The day Aurel left was burned into his head. It was the worse day of his life. Nothing he had done was enough to prevent it from happening. But he still held onto some guilt that eh could have tried harder. There should have been something he could have done to stop this all from happening. Maybe he should have taken Aurel and run away into the mountains. Somewhere they could be free to be themselves. Somewhere where Lucian wasn't afraid to love.
Aurel's eyes snapped to Lucian as soon as the other man started to speak. "I…there is nothing you could have done." he responded. "And even if you had done something, you would likely have just put us both in trouble." it was true. Had Lucian tried to interfere in some way, had the two run away together…they would just have been hunted down like animals until the two were found. It would still have ended the same; Aurel pressed into the military, and Lucian sent with his father to live at his father's estate, in order to follow in his footsteps. "It would only have ended the same way. I would still have been put in the military." or, just killed. That could have been true as well.
Rainar was not a good man, nor a kind father. That had been proven so many times, in his treatment of his children. Even just the way he had treated his sons. Max's death at the man's own hands, the chiefest and biggest among them. It was likely that had Aurel tried to run away, tried to avoid what the man had planned for him, Rainar might have decided to just kill him and be done with it. Or he might have put Aurel through even worse than what the prince had been through to begin with. He exhaled faintly, shaking his head very faintly as he pushed his thoughts of what the past could have been aside. Dwelling on that would help neither of them.
Lucian looked down at his hands, fiddling with his fingers. He didn't want to hear that truth. He wanted to hear that there was something he could have done. Something that could have saved them from a whole lot of hurt. It took him a few minutes before he raised his head to look at Aurel. Perhaps there was a hint of his friend still in there anyways. "Do you think we could have done anything to change this outcome?" This was a slippery thing to say. It could easily lead down to a rabbit hole of a whole lot of what-ifs. He couldn't afford to think that way. Not for the sake of his sanity.
He let out a shaky breath, shaking his head. He didn't know if he could do this. This would have been so much easier if Aurel wasn't here. If it was just his father and the king. He wouldn't have any qualms about sneaking behind the monarch and actively working to take it down. But there was a conflict of interest and every second he spent in Aurel's, this mission was becoming harder and harder. He didn't know if he could betray Aurel like that. Not now when he might have a chance to get him back.
Aurel hesitated for a very long moment at the question. "I don't think so." he replied softly. "After my father's…failure…with Max, he…he wanted me to be stronger than Max was. If it wasn't the army, it would have been something else." what the alternative would have been, he wasn't sure, but would it have been worse? He didn't know. "I was always going to be what I am." a monster. He knew that as well as the next person. He was a monster. No one looked at him and thought of anything good, or positive. People were scared of him, and people only respected him for his power and status. That was it.
"This outcome was what I have always been destined to become." he spread his arms faintly, meeting Lucian's eyes. There was something…dead, in Aurel's eyes. Some lack of emotion as he said those words that was almost frightening. "My father wanted a general for a son, and he has shaped me into exactly that. I was always going to be this way, just as you were always going to become who you are. Our fathers shape who we become. Neither of us have ever had much choice in the matter."
Lucian shook his head. No, he didn't accept that. They were not their father's. They could break the mold and create soemthung else of themselves. Lucian had. He had strayed away from the role that was given to him and chose a new path. A better path. He would fight hard to see his cause succeed. He only hoped he coukd convince Aurek to see reason. To see that he coukd fight back against the path chosen for him.
"I don't believe that," he said. "We are not our father's and we don't have to be. We can chose a new oath for ourselves. We can make this world right. You only have to believe that you can." He so wished that Aurel agreed with him. Or at least had some reaction to it. If he even hesitated he knew that the prince was worth saving. He only had to show him the world for what jt truly was. He had to make him see that jt was time for a change. He believed he could do that. He woukd do it. He didn't want to lose anyone else important to him.
His brows gathered faintly at Lucian's words, and he studied the young man pensively. "Some might say those words are hinting at something treasonous, Lucian." he said slowly. "You might have been able to get away with such statements on your family's estate, but you would be wise to tread more carefully in the capitol. My father hears more than you think." his gaze continued to rest steadily on Lucian, expression carefully blank. "I would not want to see you at his mercy." everyone knew Rainar had none. If he had had none for his eldest son, there certainly wouldn't be any for anyone else.
Rainar's mercy was a perilous, cruel thing. Often, it would seem just. Merciful. But it always led to something far crueler than if he had just punished for the perceived crime outright. Gods, Aurel had been on the receiving end of Rainar's mercy, and anger, so many times. There was no kindness in his father. No gentleness, no mercy. Nothing soft. Not even for his son. No matter how young Aurel had been, no matter how small, he had always known that upsetting his father would lead to pain in some way. His mother had told him, just once, that how even when Aurel was a baby who knew nothing, he would still stop crying as soon as his father picked him up. She said it was because he respected his father even at that age. When Aurel had asked Max about it, Max had said no, it was because Aurel had been terrified, even as an infant, of their father's fury.
Lucian placed his arm on the armrest of the chair, drumming his fingers. He looked away for a moment, closing his eyes. He took one breath, two before his eyes fluttered open and he looked back at the prince in front of him. He looked him up and down, regarding him. He was worried for the future of their kingdom if the rebellion failed. If he somehow survived it, if he wasn't discovered, he would flee the country. He couldn't live here anymore. Not if the rebellion failed. He would find somewhere else far away to live and pray for the sake of this kingdom. He was terrified living at him much less being in the palace. The sooner the king was rid of the better everything would be.
He shook his head slightly. He would have to tread more carefully. He would need to find another way to convince the prince of his and his father's wrong doings. That there was a chance to fix these wrongs. He only needed to help Lucian. But that was the problem, wasn't it? Aurel along with the whole of the kingdom, was too terrified of the king to do anything against him. What they didn't realize was that if they all raised together against him, the king wouldn't be able to beat them. Not if the entire country took up arms against him. But he knew better than tp expect that At least not yet. Not until they saw the rebellion earn some wins against the king.
