forum Virtual Creative Writing Club, anyone?
Started by @ninja_violinist
tune

people_alt 130 followers

Deleted user

and emi!!! babe babe babe this is so good. I love the repetition of the opening lines in those last couple stanzas, the 'I fill it with-'. it's so. so n i c e. I do think an evening out of lines in each stanza would lend to a better viewing format, but I really cant find much to critique at all, and I hope things turn out okay between you two, if they haven't already

first of all I love how you write your reviews, it makes me feel like a kindly woman of color is reassuring me after me getting in her way.
And as I said, this was written on a whim, so hence why the stanzas were uneven and of not normal poetry-format.
Thanks for reading it. Me writing this actually led to a giant thing between us, but we’re much better now. He’s doing much better emotionally, and this whole thing (the whole poem and me essentially breaking down), has led him to inquire about therapy and tell his parents. Thank you for being concerned (that’s to everyone who might’ve been) and reading my nonsense.

@croccin-champagne

fjfhd that might be the best compliment ever, first off. but that makes sense, and is part of why I didn't get much into that

I'm glad you guys are doing better, and that hes looking into that. therapy is incredible, and can be super helpful for relationships. I hope things stay fine!

@croccin-champagne

i was asked to take over critiques again, because ninja is busy with things caused by the covid-19 outbreak. i've already given a couple, which were done before i was asked lmao, but here is the one i haven't critiqued at all

yamatsu: back at it again with the light and fun writing. you do it really well, giving that air of comedy, and in this case, underlying action. i like that there aren't actions tied to all of the dialogue snippets, leaving a good less-is-more feel for the action, which is important. i did notice though, in some spots, like

"Those pigs sure caught up fast, didn't they?" Bonny said, twisting herself around to look out the dusty window.

"We ain't outta the woods yet, babe. You got the shotgun back there too, right?"

the dialogue seems a bit clunky? the response Clyde gave doesn't quite seem like it fits here, more like it should have been said at a different time during the scene. it's a small thing, but one that left me a bit stuck. other than that, i think the pacing might be a bit off through some parts of it. that's mostly just a common theme in action-based writing scenes though, so it's not the biggest thing. you did really good, and i loved the levity of this!

@croccin-champagne

as for prompts! these ones were specifically given to me, and they're kinda cool!

music

the music prompts are always some of my favorite, because they've actually gotten me into listening to new music


image

this photo from an underwater photography competition, taken by Renee Capozola, is absolutely incredible


word

last but not least, the word prompt hails from Pablo Neruda, with some gorgeous imagery

If each day falls
inside each night,
there exists a well
where clarity is imprisoned.

We need to sit on the rim
of the well of darkness
and fish for fallen light
with patience.

@ElderGod-kirky group

Hey y'all! Just resurfacing with a little thing between four different characters. It started as a vague little scene that had me considering for a while, so I decided to power through my lack of writing motivation to do this. I'm sorry it's long, technically two different stories with an overlapping timeline.


Jamir paced the kitchen, hands running through his hair as his mind raced. What had he just done? Why was he feeling like this? What, why, what, why. The words echoed through his head, blocking out all rationality and logic. He didn't even notice the woman walking into the kitchen with him, nor did he see her jump up onto the counter behind him and follow his frantic back and forth path with her eyes.

"Keep going, and the twins will have you replace the hole you wore in the floor."

He jumped and spun around, hands raised instinctively. Junia wasn't impressed with his defensive stance and arched a brow as she waited for his response. Jamir let out a breath of relief and leaned back against the island, facing her. "I doubt Wolf would do anything about it. It's Cin I'm scared of."

"Aren't we all." Junia angled her head as she regarded him, eyes narrowed thoughtfully. He didn't say anything; he was afraid to. The tiny Giant was smart, incredibly so—no wonder she and Cinthia had become fast friends—and he was honestly afraid of what she'd figure out if he spoke. Turns out, nothing he did, or could do, was enough to hide whatever she saw on his face. "It was your idea to let him go."

Jamir groaned and rubbed at his face, cursing his luck. "I know. I know, but… I guess it just sucks, seeing them together and happy."

Junia leaned back against the cupboards and crossed her arms over her chest. "Is it because you never felt that with Wolf?" Jamir could only nod, throat too clogged with emotions to muster up words anymore. That was fine, since it seems Junia already had a speech lined up to follow that response. "Jamie, did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe, you aren't gay? Wolf tried, he really did. We all saw it. It was you that couldn't keep up with him. And, no, I'm not saying this to berate you," she reassured, holding out her hands as if to placate him, even if he only sent her a half-hearted glare, "I'm just pointing out what I observed. Would you ever let him go past kissing you?"

He opened his mouth to say yes, of course—eventually—but his brain to mouth filter got in the way and only let a squeaky "No…" He cringed at that admission and rubbed at the back of his neck. He couldn't exactly deny it, not when he felt the bells of truth clanging in his ears. Even if he hated the thought, he knew he had spoken how he really felt.

"Then there you go. You were curious, Jamir. You and Wolf were never going to work out, Nikolas or no. Hell, that territorial dragon was going to let you two stay together because he thought you two were happy together. If I recall our last conversation, you said that he was reluctant even when you practically demanded he go and take Wolf—go get his mate."

"So basically, I'm a horrible person."

Junia leveled a flat look on him, which had him curling in on himself with a tiny smile threatening to pull at his lips. She was definitely unimpressed with his self-depreciation. "No one ever said that, and I'm going to pretend that you didn't just say that." She shifted her weight and lifted one leg to her chest. He watched as she propped her chin on her knee, watched as she watched him. Eventually, she picked the conversation back up with an eye roll and a sarcastic "So what have we learned today?"

This time the smile did appear, if a bit weak. "That Giants are excellent at lectures and reading minds." Junia didn't miss a beat and stuck her tongue out at him, a gesture in which he returned almost immediately. "While we're on the subject, you and Archer aren't exactly couple of the year. Why should I take any advice from you with that whole situation?"

"Shut up, Titan," Junia bit back without any heat and picked at her nails. "Yeah, I won't deny that we don't give off dating vibes. I'd be blind to see that."

"Not to mention that you two constantly joke about dating other people."

"Who wouldn't drop their partner for a chance to date Cinthia?"

"Fair point. Continue."

Junia huffed indignantly, but Jamir could see the ghost of a smile that wanted to appear on her lips. She licked them and spoke as if that would erase that ghost. "Archer and I've known each other since we were kids. We grew up together, spent all of our time together, didn't really have anyone else that we wanted to hang out with. Everyone assumed that we were dating, but we weren't. We were just friends." She shrugged and looked off to the side. To anyone, she was staring blankly as she relieved the memories. Jamir knew better. He'd recognize that haunted look. "And then Kiran did her thing, destroyed our home and rounded us all up in reservations, and we kinda… I dunno, everyone needed a show of control and support and unity, especially when their empress was missing, so they went to the next best thing—me and Archer. They used our nonexistent relationship as a way to have some sort of control over the situation and hope that they could have somewhat normal lives."

"You two started to actually date out of obligation," he guessed, earning a nod. She blinked, and that look he hated was gone.

"Neither one of us were exactly opposed to the idea, so it wasn't like we were forced into it. And it's been so long that we just kinda stuck around. Nothing changed between us, besides some of the not-so-friend-like treatment, and it still doesn't feel like it's any different. I bet if we broke up, it wouldn't be any different." She shrugged like it wasn't a big deal. Jamir noticed that a lot of things that should be a big deal weren't to Junia. She could face a raging tornado, shrug, and face it with her head high. Despite how much they bickered and ragged on one another, he'd always respect her for that fearlessness and confidence. He wished he had that.

Jamir crossed his arms and tapped his arm in time with his pulse, thinking. "So why don't you?"

Junia blinked again and angled her head towards him. The surprise was so subtle that he almost missed it, too enthralled by the way that simple maneuver reminded him of a predator. "What."

He mimicked her earlier expression, leveling a bored stare on her. "So why don't you? Break up with him? If nothing'll change, just get it over with. Neither one of you is doing the other any favors by sticking around. What if there's somebody out there that would actually like to date you, but you're too busy keeping up appearances that you miss that chance?"

"Now who's lecturing who?"

"June."

Silence. She stared at him, waiting for him to put pieces together that he didn't know existed. Pretty soon, though, it clicked and he flushed. "Shut up. At least I let him go." She stuck out her bottom lip and nodded her head, and he read that as a silent 'fair point.' Realizing that she was still waiting for a satisfactory response, he fought for an answer to what she wanted. "I'll tell Wolf if you break up with Archer."

"Alright." Her response was without hesitation and without concern like they were making plans for a pizza run. He remained silent and watched her hop off the counter, and still didn't say anything as she took the few steps up to him. She only stood to his shoulders, but her presence was much larger than her small frame. He found himself looking down at her, but feeling like she was the one who could easily look down her nose at him. She was a simple jeweler with the aura of a goddess. Times like these, when he was alone with her without the dilution of the rest of the team, he felt small and insignificant, unworthy of her undivided and unwavering attention.

Junia smirked and poked his waist, then slipped away without another word. Even after a solid minute of being alone and devoid of her presence, Jamir found it hard to let out the breath he was holding. Every one on one conversation with that woman left him intimidated and in need of a nap. He made a mental note of making sure that they were around the others from now on if they ever got into a conversation.

Once he could breathe normally again, Jamir stole one of Nikolas' pop-tart boxes and made a beeline for his room. Cinthia had asked him for weapon designs. He should get to work on those, and maybe use the quiet time to figure out how he was going to tell Wolf about what Junia revealed about himself.


"You have oil on your face."

"As tactful as always, Archie. Hello to you, too." Carden rolled out from beneath the large robot canine and peered up at Archer, who was crouched just behind him with his head propped up on a fist. Archer grinned and dropped a towel onto Carden's face, snickering at the man's sputtering. "I shall repeat my last sentiment: as tactful as always," Carden grumbled, using the supplied towel to wipe off the oil that had dripped onto his cheek.

"Can't be too unpredictable, or else I'll turn into you." Archer skillfully deflected the other's poorly-aimed swat, still grinning. "So what's up with her?" he asked, nodding towards the robot. Carden sighed and glared up at the feline's golden body, meticulously carved and put together with loving hands—and her only show of gratitude being a refusal to work and constant attempts on her creator's life.

"Obviously, an oil leak. I think some of the gears need tightened and others need some adjustments. A couple of the joints keep breaking, so I think I'll need to employ Junia to work on a stronger metal. Motor roars instead of purrs, so I gotta figure out a way to make her quieter. I haven't even gotten to the weapons yet, the body is too unstable and unfit to handle the extra power needed for an arsenal, but I'm definitely planning on some badass guns and swords. Maybe sword-tail, rotating teeth." He tapped the nearest paw. "Thinking of making the claws retractable and curved so she can go over different sorts of terrain."

"Busy busy." Archer whistled, which made Carden smile. He always loved seeing how he impressed people with his machines.

"Busy busy," he agreed, then rolled back under the robot's belly and got back to work on fixing that oil leak. The two friends conversed just like that, with Archer sitting on the floor and Carden working diligently. This was their daily routine, so ingrained with their normal schedule that it was strange to not hear Archer walk into Carden's workshop at any given time of the day. A couple times, the Isic prince was asked to help, and he happily lent a hand whenever Carden needed it. Soon enough, both of their hands were coated in oil stains, though Carden had a few more on his arms and cheeks.

"I hear your mom is starting the nomination process for her heir," Carden was saying as he moved his attention to the gears, hands buried in the complicated mess of metal rods, gears, belts, what-have-you.

A hum of acknowledgment. "Yeah. She's still kinda bummed that Cin refused, but she's not selfish enough to take her away from her current position."

Carden snickered. "Honestly? I think she'd rather be Empress of the Isic than Princess of the Universe with how often she refuses to acknowledge that title." Archer laughed and agreed with the sentiment, and they exchanged stories of them getting death glares from the princess when they were about to mention that title to outsiders. After a bit of chatting and fixing the gears, Carden rolled back out from beneath the robot to grab a quick drink. Archer being Archer grabbed the bottle before he could and opened the cap. Knowing what he was up to, Carden smirked, then opened his mouth expectantly.

"You're like a child," the prince chastised as he expertly poured some water into the mechanic's awaiting mouth, pausing so he didn't choke.

"Says the one humoring me," he shot back, then pointed to his open mouth, impatient.

Archer rolled his eyes but indulged Carden until he gave the thumbs up. After twisting the cap back on and setting the bottle aside, Archer faced Carden again. This time, however, he bent over and kissed him right on the lips, Spiderman-style. Carden was surprised, unsurprisingly, but didn't comment as Archer pulled back. He recognized that look on his face, so instead of making a big deal out of it, he rolled back under the robot and resumed his work, letting Archer sort things out on his own.

He knew that, as best friends, they should talk about it and sort everything out together, but that just wasn't how Archer worked. He was as predictable as a sunrise yet as spontaneous as a blizzard. He did things out of his norm to try it out, then think about it after to see what he thought about it. In this case, it seemed to be both his sexuality and Carden. He didn't mind. They could talk about it when Archer figured it out. If he left, then he'd have his answer without needing to talk.

Except, Archer stayed, which probably confused them both. Carden didn't risk rolling back out from beneath the robot, but he did speak. "Hand me that thing-a-ma-jig, will ya?" He poked his hand out so that Archer had a clear view of it, and without missing a beat, the cool metal of a wrench was pressed into his palm. Carden smiled slightly to himself and got back to work.

They would talk. Later. He was just glad that nothing changed as of yet, kiss aside.

Except, when he rolled back out and Archer had the water bottle ready in hand, Carden couldn't help himself. That small peck wasn't enough to sedate his own growing curiosity. He reached up, cupped the back of Archer's neck, and brought him down until their lips crashed together yet again. The unsuspecting prince didn't react violently. In fact, after the initial shock, he was quick to return the kiss. Carden kept his grip on the man's neck, keeping him close, but he didn't have to worry. Both were perfectly willing, both were equally as curious.

Carden let his grasp slip away. Archer leaned back a few inches. Carden could feel his breath on his face, hot puffs of air coming out in pants as they both breathed heavily. That was all that could be heard in the otherwise silent workshop. Carden peered up at Archer. Archer peered down at Carden. Neither said a word. Finally, after what felt like a peaceful eternity, Carden could feel nimble and calloused fingers playing with his dirt-streaked hair.

"You missed some oil."

The mechanic snorted, then broke out in a small fit of contagious laughter that was quickly caught by the prince. Carden reached up to flick Archer's nose, eliciting more snickers from them both. "Tactful as always, dork."

Archer tugged at Carden's hair with a bright grin. "You know me."

@Moxie group

moxie!!! we dont often see much from you but when we do, its incredible! I'm living for the

"Get down from the throne
That you think I am standing on
Join me on the ground
Where we all belong"

which is just. pure gold. iconic. I like the similar sounding words that add to a sort of rhythm of the stanza, and pull it together. I do think some parts of this were a bit clunky and could just be fine tuned or something, like the seemingly random capitalization or the sentences that go on a bit longer than others. other than things like that though, I really like it and the meaning. it's an issue a lot of people face, never being able to say no and feeling guilted into friendship and then other things when it's too late. you did such a good job bringing that to life!

Ahhhh thank you so much!

Thank you, I’m very proud of that stanza.

I agree that some of it is clunky and I fixed the capitalization stuff too.

I’m really glad I could bring the feeling to life effectively. I was worried about that. Thank you for looking at it! I really appreciate it!

@ElderGod-Icefire

So uh. I wrote this a while ago, just now sharing it. I don't remember what inspired me to write it.


Weak or Witch?

Why do little girls all want to be
princesses? Why do little girls talk of
princes and love they have no
knowledge of? Because society tells us that
we can only be beautiful if
we are the princess. The princess, who
waits for a man to save her. If a girl is
strong, she is a Witch, she is
ugly. No little girl wants to be ugly, so
we fit the mold and break ourselves. We
are beautiful and shallow and
weak, because we are told that
strong women are ugly, that
we need a man to defend us and
protect us. Because any little girl would
rather be beautiful instead of ugly, and
society says we cannot be
both. Which means every girl is told to
make a choice, "Beauty or Strength?"
"Weak or Witch?"
Why can't we be both? I choose
to be both. I will be beautiful, and I
will be strong. I will be witch and
princess both. And I will not need saving,
not by anyone. Beauty or Strength?
I'll take both.

@croccin-champagne

ice?????????? you have perfectly encaptured my rage in this poem but in a more beautiful way than i could ever speak. that entire last chunk after 'why can't we be both' is just. * chef's kiss * and i love it. the way the lines are set up isn't something i'm super used to but it works? and it's a bit to get used to but once you do it really is worth it

@croccin-champagne

so, some of you may recall the 'boy with the crooked smile and summer eyes' from my poems. i've written about him a lot because i've only once before felt this strongly about anyone and it turned out way better than i could have ever hoped. the 26th marks two months since we officially started dating, and i wrote another poem because it's the only thing i can do! this is one part of his gift, and i'd love to get it critiqued soon, if anyone minds hitting me with thoughts


Yellow is sunflowers.
Petals turned to the sky and stood tall,
Facing any challenge the world throws their way.
Resilience is a sunny color,
Strength is a field.
A sea of yellow and green,
Of hope.

Yellow is the sun.
Warm arms stretched far and wide,
Rays of white-gold familiar and constant, there.
The centerpiece of a blue sky,
Stands out amongst cotton-clouds.
A symbol of life,
Of energy.

Yellow is your smile.
Paired with a half laugh at a stupid joke,
A sound not so much musical as incredible.
Everything I do
I do for that smile.
Upturned lips spell home,
Say ‘I love you’.
This is the first time anyone’s ever said it back.
I love you.

@ElderGod-Icefire

Aww thanks Crocs!! Yeah I had the hardest time with that last part and I'm so glad you like it! The style is actually very different from what I usually do, so I'm glad it worked!

Also: Your poem is gorgeous and like…i'm not good at critiquing poems so I'm sorry. But I really like it?? Yeah. Although, the "Yellow is your smile" kinda threw me off, because typically saying someone's smile is yellow means their teeth are yellow, and that's not usually a good thing. But it works, stylistically!

@Moxie group

OH MY GOD
DUDE
SAGE
WHAT
THAT WAS SO AMAZING
I WOULD BE GIVING YOU SO MANY SNAPS RN IF I COULD
LIKE BRUH
YOURE SO GOOD WHAT THE HECK

@croccin-champagne

it was so bad but thank you???? I'm glad you liked it! once everything returns to normal, imma keep trying for things like this, and I'll make sure you guys get to see the videos

@ninja_violinist

Once again, allow me to point out the obvious: @crocs is an absolute legend, fabulous host, and generally an all-around wonderful human being.

I hope everyone's ok! I've made it back home in one piece for now and am aggressively self-isolating - this may not be a good time in general but it could be a good time for actually getting some writing done?

anyway, on to the feedback for this week:

@Dances_with_Shadows-is-tired you know, nine times out of ten I get irritated when reading about relationship drama conversations, either because it seems overdramatic or out of place or just a bit too much. And I guess this was the other one out of ten, because I really enjoyed reading this! It gives a super good look into existing character dynamics, it flows really well, and the dialogue is just. It's fabulous. It strikes that perfect balance between "super serious conversation" and "I can still crack jokes about it", so the discussions themselves feel realistic without being overbearing.
One thing I'd look into again if you feel like it is the narration in the first bit. It's generally really well done, excellent characterisation, but sometimes it feels like you switch between a limited third person and an omniscient third person? For example,

He didn't even notice the woman walking into the kitchen with him, nor did he see her jump up onto the counter behind him and follow his frantic back and forth path with her eyes.

feels more distant, since it's specifically telling us info that the POV character doesn't yet have access to. But later, during the conversation, you go out of your way to show that it's specifically from his perspective - eg "He watched as she propped her chin on her knee" which implies a more limited narration.
idk where I'm going with this to be honest, it's not a huge deal by any means, but there is an opportunity for a bit more consistency here if you want.
But yeah. thank you so much for sharing!

@Icefire_married_two_people This is really cool!! Love the concept, and I'm really intrigued by the execution - the choice of linebreaks leads to really interesting occasions of enjambment and caesura. Also very cool choice to capitalise Witch every time!
I noticed that "No little girl wants to be ugly" and "any little girl would/ rather be beautiful instead of ugly" are very similarly worded and in rather close proximity - would it make sense to reword one of them or is the repetition deliberate?
Either way, thank you for sharing!

@crocs ah I've come a bit too late with my critique eh? sorry about that. I honestly don't have much to say about it in any case? Imagery is strong as ever, mood is so soft I think a part of me actually melted.
Favourite line: "Resilience is a sunny colour/ Strength is a field."
The only thing I could possibly think to ask is more of a clarification - is it an American thing when you say "sunflowers… stood tall" in present tense? I think I may have heard something like that before, vaguely, from American friends, but it doesn't sound quite right to me?
also. that video. ended me, on many levels. hearing something that genuine and beautiful and sincere actually said out loud the way it was meant to be said?? much too powerful. My brain says yes please share more of these, as many as you possibly can, but I'm not sure if my heart can take it haha
Thank you so much!!

@ninja_violinist

and prompts for this week:

music prompt: Being Patient/Beifong's Sacrifice by Jeremy Zuckerman


image: "Icy Dream", photo of frozen waves in a lake in Colorado by Eric Gross


word prompt:
Thought I'd throw up a writing exercise this week - try writing a sad scene that

  1. doesn't use the word "sad" (or derivatives - basically don't explicitly tell the reader what you're trying to achieve)
  2. doesn't involve anyone dying
  3. doesn't involve anyone crying

The idea is to focus on crafting a mood through specific word, structure, and technical choices rather than relying on these explicit cues to let the reader know how to feel.
(obviously this is just an exercise, there's nothing inherently wrong with any of these things in general.)

@ElderGod-Icefire

@Icefire_married_two_people This is really cool!! Love the concept, and I'm really intrigued by the execution - the choice of linebreaks leads to really interesting occasions of enjambment and caesura. Also very cool choice to capitalise Witch every time!
I noticed that "No little girl wants to be ugly" and "any little girl would/ rather be beautiful instead of ugly" are very similarly worded and in rather close proximity - would it make sense to reword one of them or is the repetition deliberate?
Either way, thank you for sharing!

Ahhhh thank you! i don't know what those words mean but thanks
The repetition is on purpose, I think. I wanted to drive the point home

@croccin-champagne

I'm glad you like both of them! the poem bit makes sense, not hearing that phrase used often probably makes it really weird. I might try to reword it, later

as for the video, dhdtd. it was such a terrifying thing to do, but honestly, it was nice. is it okay for me to post those videos here?