@ElderGod-kirky group
there are so many long posts now it takes forever to scroll back up
there are so many long posts now it takes forever to scroll back up
ha, fixed it
y'all can I just say how much I love the stuff you wrote this week! Feedback is on its way
(this is super long. sorry about that)
Thank you to everyone for sharing, and thank you especially for also giving each other such wonderful feedback!!
@Dances_with_Shadows
There's so much good stuff from you this week that I don't really know what to say without making it like… an obscene amount of text
so these are just the notes I made as I went through (which I'd usually try to compile into something more coherent. but also that requires a lot of explanation and this is already super long. so.) please feel free to ask if anything needs clarification
(EDIT: turns out it's an obscene amount of text anyway. oof. sorry)
First one:
literally living for this dynamic. highkey love this
Character descriptions come in really naturally as a comparison rather than "I'm in front of a mirror let me think about how I look". !!! very good !!!
-> wonder if it'd be more effective to cut out the "insecure and unstable mind" bit? (like the reader could extrapolate from the content of the comparison that Ryker is insecure, so we don't need to be told?)
He and Kasiya were going out to eat for lunch today, as Ryker had today off from work and they wanted to use that time to do some stuff together while they got the chance.
could be explained more gracefully. spread out over more sentences?
Just one word, just his name, and he instantly knew what his boyfriend wanted from him.
necessary?
"or did you forget that we’ve been together for three years?”
repetition of information?
(also for "Arabic term of endearment" - interesting but does it add to what's happening right now?)
Second one:
love the worldbuilding!! and character dynamics!! and the descriptions!!
wonder if "your high status on the food chain means nothing to me. I outrank you with age and wisdom" is a bit heavy on the exposition? idk it could be the way Kora talks but it does feel a bit convenient
@izzy-hates-anxiety-and-is-busy
so this was super emotional and really well done! I love the characterisation of Melissa and the way you set up the relationship between her and her parents!
As crocs already said, some of it feels a bit disjointed. My guess is that it comes across that way because of the rather hectic pacing - slowing the whole thing down with more descriptions and just generally spending more time on each individual event as it happens might help with that. I also recommend reformatting the paragraphing, especially when it comes to dialogue - it can be a bit disconcerting to see dialogue suddenly pop up at the end of a bloc of text rather than getting its own new paragraph. But other than that, this is really solid. Thank you so much for sharing!
@crocs
(amber's critiques were so thorough that I'm not sure what else there is to say at this point. but I'll try)
I really love the edited version of the Thing! Especially the addition of the last two lines adds a lot and ties the whole thing together.
One line that I noticed seemed a bit… isolated??? for lack of a better word: "To be as soft" (ie, as soft as what? it doesn't fit super well with what comes next). I actually had a moment of confusion when I thought the next line was supposed to continue that sentence but then it didn't. Maybe punctuation might make this clearer? idk
and I think the second one would fit really well into a slam setting! (It makes it a bit hard to give feedback since I don't really know how you're intending to say it. as long as you can find a natural rhythm it's all good) But the images and language really fit! They're intensely personal but also intensely relatable?? somehow?? I'm in awe
(I had a good laugh about the "five tomatoes" bit
because as a Good European Who Uses The Metric SystemTM it meant absolutely nothing to me and I had to google it. and it's just. the funniest thing to me. the whole concept.)
@Icefire
The poem: I love this! it feels kind of like prose-turned-poetry - like something that would work best if read out loud. I don't have much experience with the form tbh, so I can't really think of anything critique-y to say about it. But yeah. a heavy topic which you handled very gracefully.
and the prose actually killed me. so. thank you for that.
genuinely though, really well done!! the text fits perfectly with the interspersed lyrics, and they add to the tension and flow rather than interrupting it. I did notice that you started out in present tense and switched to past tense at some point, so I'd recommend more consistency there. But yeah. Really well done!
@Emi-Is-a-Full-Moon-Lover
this is so beautiful and contemplative and I live for the imagery!! Like "a wrinkle in their everlasting lives" is just. so well expressed. the whole thing raised some super cool points.
One image that I had to think about for a bit is "milky grey claw" because my brain didn't immediately connect it to the moon and I had a moment of panic where I wondered if I'd somehow missed that the Milky Way is claw-shaped. But that might just be me. Either way, thank you so much for sharing!!
@Icefire
The poem: I love this! it feels kind of like prose-turned-poetry - like something that would work best if read out loud. I don't have much experience with the form tbh, so I can't really think of anything critique-y to say about it. But yeah. a heavy topic which you handled very gracefully.
and the prose actually killed me. so. thank you for that.
genuinely though, really well done!! the text fits perfectly with the interspersed lyrics, and they add to the tension and flow rather than interrupting it. I did notice that you started out in present tense and switched to past tense at some point, so I'd recommend more consistency there. But yeah. Really well done!
Ooh thanks! Yeah I was kinda reading it out loud to myself as I wrote, and I guess that carried into the poem form. But thank you! And I'm glad that I handled it well, I wasn't very sure about it
Oh thanks! Yeah the tense switch was probably because I started this at one point, set it aside, then picked it back up, so that's the explanation most likely. But yeah.
Thanks again!!
thanks ninja! i see what you mean about the isolated bit, and it would likely make more sense with punctuation. sadly, i can't include that, since it's for the OOE competition i'm entering.
as for the second one, that's good! i hope to use it in a slam someday, actually, so i'm glad you think i would fit. i have a rhythm in mind, yeah, so it'll sound better spoken than written lmao. also, hbfdfjh yeah the five tomatoes thing has always been kinda eird to me but it fuckin. it fuckin worked and i hate that dfjhfsj
just. the whole concept. of using miles at all?? when you could just have metres? where everything divides perfectly into multiples of 10 and you can figure most stuff out with little to no effort? instead of having to teach kids unholy mnemonics just to keep track of what's happening? idk it's so hilarious to me
(but also the joke's on me because I knew all this and still chose to move to a country where they use miles. and I'm just perpetually confused)
good luck with the competition!!
aand here are the prompts for this week:
Music prompt: "Carried Home" by Marcus Warner
Image prompt: "Merlin's Cave" by Weston T Jones
word prompt:
"You’re going to send me to an early grave. Only you would manage to be unintentionally kidnapped and then casually dismantle the entire kidnapping operation. Only you."
"I’ll certainly endeavour not to send you to any kind of grave, never mind an early one."
@Dances_with_Shadows
There's so much good stuff from you this week that I don't really know what to say without making it like… an obscene amount of text
aww, thanks lol
First one:
-> wonder if it'd be more effective to cut out the "insecure and unstable mind" bit? (like the reader could extrapolate from the content of the comparison that Ryker is insecure, so we don't need to be told?)He and Kasiya were going out to eat for lunch today, as Ryker had today off from work and they wanted to use that time to do some stuff together while they got the chance.
could be explained more gracefully. spread out over more sentences?
Just one word, just his name, and he instantly knew what his boyfriend wanted from him.
necessary?
"or did you forget that we’ve been together for three years?”
repetition of information?
Noted and will be edited
Edit: Has been edited
(also for "Arabic term of endearment" - interesting but does it add to what's happening right now?)
Um, I'm gonna keep it solely for the fact that Ryker is the kind of person to focus on little things, and that little thing right there kinda causes him to lose focus on not letting Kas beat up his ex. It's technically in his point of view, so that's why I'm going to keep it.
Second one:
love the worldbuilding!! and character dynamics!! and the descriptions!!
wonder if "your high status on the food chain means nothing to me. I outrank you with age and wisdom" is a bit heavy on the exposition? idk it could be the way Kora talks but it does feel a bit convenient
Allow me to say one thing: Kora is over 20,000 years old and loves to flaunt her age. She has a weird way of speaking, one reason being that English is not her first language, and because of her age, modern English isn't her style. That, and Kora is just… Kora. It's how she is. I wrote it for myself and a friend that already knew the characters, so had it been meant for exposition, I wouldn't have put it in there due to us both knowing that information.
Thank you for the critique! I have another chapter coming up relatively soon, once I get to finishing it, and I might have some more actual weekly writing for ya if I feel like it.
does this even need prefaced? not really. am i still going to try and explain that i had something very close to a mental breakdown last night that prompted this to be written and me to fuck up my eyebrow? yeah. yeah i am. anyway.
The glow in the dark stars on the ceiling
Are too clustered together.
They are fading faster than am.
What do you do, when you're so tired you can see nothing
But those yellowed stars?
Your head swims when you stand and you swear,
Those pieces of cheap plastic
Bounce around above your skull,
Like an old cartoon.
What must you look like?
The bags under your eyes are heavy,
So large they could fit
The weight of your mind.
Maybe then you could sleep.
It's so hard to write a love poem,
When all you can think of is what your skin would look like
On the inside.
What a sharp knife does in the dark,
When you can't feel anything but the ache.
You know there's a bottle of pills on top of the microwave,
But you also know that all those pills would do,
Is make you sick.
You're already sick, you think.
Why would you want to be more sick?
It's hard to feel anything anymore.
The trick to a mental breakdown is change.
You know that game well.
When the world is ending a razor
And a bottle of hair dye can fix any problem.
The secret is,
How can you hate yourself if you're not the you you hated?
How can you hate what doesn't even exist anymore?
But you do.
And you wish so badly you didn't.
It would better if you didn't exist,
But the world loves reminders that control
Is a funny little game.
Where it pulls all the shots, and the rules are pulled out of a hat.
A fedora, actually.
The trick is change, and it's too bad
This sleight of hand doesn't have an online tutorial.
So I've been heavily procrastinating and came up with this: https://www.notebook.ai/documents/98720
At this point I'm not even sure what's going on with my characters, tbh
Soo I wrote this thing based off of a prompt. I'm not really proud of it but I still kind of want an outside opinion.
The mask was never steel. It was always porcelain.
“Hey, I really need to talk, do you mind?”
Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. The mask cracks.
“Wait, really? You got a worse grade than me?”
Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. Tap tap.
“No, I actually enjoy watching you hurt.”
Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. Tap. The crack is visible.
“I just don’t know how to talk to you anymore.”
Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap.
“No offense, but that looks horrid on you.”
Tap tap tap. Tap tap. The smiles are the glue.
“You always settle for good enough. Just get off your ass and work harder.”
Tap tap tap. Tap.
“Do you go home and cry yourself to sleep every night? Do you? Because I do.”
Tap tap tap. The acid tears burn the mask away.
“Well you can’t be worth that much, can you?”
Tap. Tap.
“We’ve all been there. Just power through, and it’ll all be fine.”
Tap. Hammers, and bombs, and fists. The mask shatters.
“I never want to see you again.”
Porcelain cuts. Blood floods. Smiles don’t float.
ninja: your characters are all now my children and there's nothing anyone can do about it. nikita deserves a happy ending and i hope amita figures out what she needs to and makes it through this. also shura? babey. my son. i actually love the way your words flow so well, and the character interactions seems so genuine? it's like watching an interaction between real people, and that's something hard to pull off, but you've done it well. i think my only problem, and this is me reaching super far, is its hard to picture what the characters look like? i guess maybe just a mention of how the light makes someone's eyes look, the shape of their smile, something like that, would be nice. anyway, loving it
amber: i'm actually kinda digging it. even though i'm not sure what all is going on, or why the tapping, it kinda adds a short of…choppy flow, if that makes sense? like not a bad thing but a good kind of choppy, the kind you use for a faster pacing. but yeah, love that pacing so much. i guess i would like to know what's going on there? so maybe some clarification if it fits in there somewhere, y'know?
The dialogue are all things I've seen said or that have been said to me. The concept is that the words are chipping away at a mask of happiness? And that the hurt those words cause is suddenly shown because the mask breaks..
Idk if that makes sense but there you go. Is this any better? I've kind of lost the flow so I'm really not sure of the quality of this second version either lol
It's easy to forget that the person who receives all the tears
Needs to let them out too. And sometimes
They lose themselves in the secrets they keep
And the mask they've built around their soul
The one that pretends to be strong as steel when
In fact, it's only made of porcelain,
And every subtle tap of the words
We don't realize carve piece after piece from their mask
Hurts. And accumulates. And the porcelain bursts.
"Hey, I really need to talk, do you mind?”
Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. The mask cracks.
“Wait, really? You got a worse grade than me?”
Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. Tap tap.
“No, I actually enjoy watching you hurt.”
Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. Tap. The crack is visible.
“I just don’t know how to talk to you anymore.”
Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap.
“No offense, but that looks horrid on you.”
Tap tap tap. Tap tap. The smiles are the glue.
“You always settle for good enough. Just get off your ass and work harder.”
Tap tap tap. Tap.
“Do you go home and cry yourself to sleep every night? Do you? Because I do.”
Tap tap tap. The acid tears burn the mask away.
“Well you can’t be worth that much, can you?”
Tap. Tap.
“We’ve all been there. Just power through, and it’ll all be fine.”
Tap. Hammers, and bombs, and fists. The mask shatters.
“I never want to see you again.”
Broken porcelain cuts. Blood floods. Smiles don’t float.
yeah, that makes a lot more sense! tbh i might just be super dumb and tired lmao. i do like the second edition, for the exposition, but honestly the first one is my favorite. second one doesn't quite click together right? the different styles, y'kno?
Right yeah
I could try and incorporate the first one in the second maybe so that it still makes sense
Anyway thank you :)
Inspired by the image prompt. Also vaguely inspired by "The Guinevere Deception" by Kiersten White. Idk how I feel about it lol. Not my favorite thing I've ever written, and it doesn't feel…done. idk lol
"Merlin!" the young king called as he came down the stairs, his right hand resting against the sword at his side. Excalibur, from the Lady of the Lake.
The old wizard turned slowly, his eyes landing on the king. "Yes, Arthur?" he asked, though he knew what was coming.
Arthur paused, eyes flashing over the books and scrolls and ingredients for spells, examining everything. He looked at Merlin, inhaling. "My men told me something I had not known; where is the girl, Merlin?"
"What girl do you speak of, Arthur?" Merlin asked, eyes calm and serene as he watched the king. Arthur was in his twenties now; no longer the boy that Merlin had trained and helped, Arthur was now a man in his own right. He didn't really need Merlin anymore. No, he needed a queen. They both knew that.
"The Lady of the Lake's daughter, Merlin." Arthur came closer. "I did not even know of her existence, and yet you hid her away from me before a decision could be made. "
"The decision is not yours to make." Merlin replied softly. "I know that you know that. She is not her mother. She is not a danger to you, nor the kingdom."
"Merlin. She is powerful. She cannot be allowed to roam freely."
"And why not?" the old wizard asked.
"I…" Arthur's eyes flashed away, and he shook his head. "Magic is dangerous, Merlin. My court does not want it. It is all I can do to keep you in their favor. If they found out about this girl…Merlin, she could tear Camelot apart without even meaning to."
"Ah." Merlin shook his head a little at the young king. "She would not tear it apart, Arthur. She is not a danger. She is powerful, and yes, magic can be dangerous, but so are kings."
Arthur narrowed his eyes, hand tightening on his sword. Merlin noticed the gesture, and pursed his lips. Arthur had lost trust in the man who had once been his greatest protector and friend. "What are you saying, Merlin?" He asked slowly.
"Nothing and everything, Arthur. Why the sudden interest in her?" Merlin knew exactly where the girl was. Her name was Gwen. She was only a few years younger than Arthur.
"I need a queen, Merlin. But I cannot pick any of the noblewomen from this court, and I do not have the political power for a woman from another country. This girl could be the answer to my problems." Arthur said slowly.
Merlin thought about this. "I will not hand her over like cattle, Arthur. I will not resign her to a fate she does not want. So. Here is what will be done: we will tell the court that she is a relative of mine, come to live here. You may court her, and if she has interest in being your queen, then I will allow a union between you two."
Arthur narrowed his eyes a little bit again, then finally nodded. "That will be sufficient. Where is she?"
"Gwen?" Merlin called. From a separate room came a beautiful girl, her hair falling nearly to her waist, loose and curly.
"Merlin." She said. Her attention shifted to Arthur. "And the king." She looked at Merlin again. "What is it you need of me?"
"You are to be introduced to the court, and Arthur may court you. You are under no obligation to return his interest, if you have no wish to." Merlin replied calmly.
"Gwen." Arthur said her name slowly, as if tasting it. "I'm not sure that's a fancy enough name for the court."
"Simple, then. We shall change it to Guinevere." She replied, lifting her chin as fire flashed in her green eyes.
"Guinevere." Arthur spoke quietly, looking at her. "Yes. That will fit in well."
oooo. i like the premise a lot, man. one thing though, it's all very,,, short? almost cut together weird? maybe tossing in some more to fill it would be a good idea, to round it out more. other than that, i do love the interactions between merlin and arthur, with merlin's thoughts showing that things have changed from the story we all used to know. it's interesting!
Yeahh…like I said, it really feels to me like it should be longer, but I'm lazy lmao. But thanks for the compliment! I might flesh the story out later and actually do something with it, but idk lol
hey everyone! thanks to all who shared this week!
sorry if any feedback is worded really weird/makes no sense. I'm kinda sick and in a bizarre mood rn
@crocs
…………………. that blew me away
once again, you've mastered the art of "using the small to indicate the large" and I'm here. for. it. The poem tackles super heavy struggles of agony, change, depression, etc but it works because you start with the glow-in-the-dark stars and work your way out from there
Favourite line: It's a toss-up between the last lines (fabulous. mic-drop. absolutely stunning.) and "The bags under your eyes are heavy/ So large they could fit/ The weight of your mind"
Only thing I could think to point out is that you use the word "sick" three times in pretty quick succession in the second stanza, which seems a bit odd. though that might also be deliberate because the entire point is that everything is odd and warped and surreal.
idk I just. I love this. on so many levels.
(But I also hope you're doing better!!)
and thank you for your critique!! They're all going through a bit of a rough patch so they appreciate the support haha. I have to admit I straight up forgot that physical descriptions are a thing I should probably do. so. thank you!
@amber_is_a_starchild
I actually highkey love this!! It was reflective and intense and surreal before the explanation ("Porcelain cuts. Blood floods. Smiles don't float" has Fake Obama Quote rawness tbh. 100% here for it), but the explanation also adds so much!! so idk I love both, but I also see that the second one is a bit disjointed. idk. Either way it's fabulous.
@Icefire
I really love this concept!! Lovely characterisation, pretty intense premise, you've already set up like three subplots within a few paragraphs and I'm honestly in awe.
I can see what you mean with it not feeling "done" though - it feels like a prologue/first chapter/ just in general a set up for future potential, so finishing it makes me immediately wonder what happened next. which is good! so like crocs said, I love what you've got and I wish there was more lol
idk one thing I noticed is that at some point there's this sudden rush to finish up and so the pace picks up rather startlingly - from about "Arthur narrowed his eyes a little bit again, then finally nodded" a lot of stuff suddenly gets resolved a bit faster than feels natural. It definitely feels a bit disjointed from that point onward. but yeah. nitpicks.
@Icefire
I really love this concept!! Lovely characterisation, pretty intense premise, you've already set up like three subplots within a few paragraphs and I'm honestly in awe.
I can see what you mean with it not feeling "done" though - it feels like a prologue/first chapter/ just in general a set up for future potential, so finishing it makes me immediately wonder what happened next. which is good! so like crocs said, I love what you've got and I wish there was more lol
idk one thing I noticed is that at some point there's this sudden rush to finish up and so the pace picks up rather startlingly - from about "Arthur narrowed his eyes a little bit again, then finally nodded" a lot of stuff suddenly gets resolved a bit faster than feels natural. It definitely feels a bit disjointed from that point onward. but yeah. nitpicks.
Thank you!! Haha the subplots were…kinda on accident?? Ig??
Haha maybe I'll write more of it someday. If I do, I'll share it with y'all.
Yeah that's probably because I was rushing to finish it. I was in a hurry and just wanted to get my thoughts down.
and this week's prompts:
Music: "Fear" by Jeff and Casey Lee Williams (in honour of the RWBY Volume 7 finale)
Image: "Watch" by kleinerHai
Word prompt:
In a world where coming of age is marked by facing one of your fears in mortal combat, a Gen Z character realises that all of their fears are abstract metaphysical concepts.
"How am I supposed to stab 'nihilistic lack of purpose' in the gut, Karen??"
So this was meant to be longer with more pazazz and magic, but I just couldn't bring myself to finish it. SO, y'all get stuck with a cliffhanger ;)
Let the Games Begin |
The halls were alive with an excited roar, feet pounding on marble and dirt, voices bouncing off the walls. The students were thrumming with anticipation for this week’s challenge. No one was sure of what was about to happen, no one able to predict the outcome of today’s restrictions.
Rival demigods working together for the same goal.
Hell hath no fury like a pissed off and competitive demigod.
“Rae.”
The phoenix pivoted to look behind her tanned shoulder, razored-cut red hair swirling with the jagged motion. Her uptilted eyes of ash narrowed some at the teammate that approached her, so opposed to the icy blue ones that pierced back into her. Snow white hair and pale skin adorned the male; the two couldn’t be more different in origin or appearance.
“Tamaki.”
The ice-based demigod laced his fingers with the hot-headed phoenix’s, tugging her along to the entrance of the school. She followed without a word, for once sealing her blood-red lips shut.
Opposites, but more alike than they seemed.
“Fassor’s going to throw a fit,” Rae stated as they walked the empty halls, heading towards the arena. It was practically tradition at this point for the Vanguard to arrive last. What started as an accident grew into an expectation, a way to hype up the crowd with the entrance of the top clan of the entire school.
Tamaki nodded, cold and calculating eyes already concocting a strategy.
“He’ll want to fight,” she continued, eyes sliding to the side as her head tipped along with them. “Who do you think he’ll be paired with?” They didn’t care about everyone else. They were only concerned about the number two and number three clans, for two different reasons.
“Zaas,” Tamaki instantly answered, confident in his guess. “He’s been wanting to transfer for a while now, so the board should know about all of his complaints about Fassor.”
“Transfer where?”
“The Bone Hawks.”
Rae snorted at that, sharp nose curling and lifting into the air. “He’d have to deal with us and an ever harder leader if he does that. He is aware that they are allied with us, yes?”
Tamaki shrugged, and Rae took that as his answer without question.
The phoenix perked up at the sound of a roaring auditorium, even louder now with the dwindling down of the clans to just two people each. The rest would be in the stands, watching their representatives and unable to interfere for any reason. Rae and Tamaki exchanged a knowing look, connected hands tightening defiantly, and shoved open the doors to announce their presence.
The crowd got impossibly louder as they entered, hands clasped and ready to defend the Myriad Vanguard’s ideals about diversity and teamwork. Their heads remained high, their strides steady, their confidence unwavering. The crowd chanted “Van-guard, Van-guard, Van-guard,” as they marched to their respective area to wait for the start of the competition.
Teams wrought terror upon themselves more-so than their opponents. Things moved along quicker than usual. Rae watched with an emotionless stare, whereas Tamaki was eyeing the representatives of the Bronze Giants—Fassor and Zaas, just as he suspected.
As to be expected, the Bone Hawks crushed the competition. As the allies of the Vanguard, they, too, had a more diverse population in their clan. They were more adept at working with opposition than most clans.
Next were the top two clans. Rae and Tamaki pushed off the wall and took up their positions while Fassor dragged a reluctant and defiant Zaas along behind him.
The phoenix didn’t need to ask who her opponent would be, just met Tamaki’s eyes with a quick glance and knew his plan. Her lips slashed into a sharp smirk, and her eyes settled upon the giant she was responsible for.
“Three,” she murmured.
“Two,” Tamaki whispered.
Their mouths moved silently together right as the bell shrieked. Not even a second went by before ice surrounded Tamaki and shot straight for a bumbling Fassor and Rae was engulfed by flame, feathers covering skin, wings replacing arms, talons taking over feet. A screaming phoenix soared over the battlefield, swooping for a steely Zaas—literally. The giant had coated his skin in thick steel, ignoring his partner in favor of facing Rae on his own terms.
Admirable. Perhaps he does belong with the Hawks.
Rae barreled over to Zaas in a flurry of fire and fury, encasing her vision in red and black. Her sharp beak opened to scream her challenge, and the giant narrowed his eyes in acceptance.
So it begins.
my CHILDREN. circe, babe, i need more rae and tamaki stuff in my life. the other kids are great but like. fire and ice babey. that's the shit. i want to see them kick ass more often.
so. i wrote and actual writing thing, since i'm goin 'no new poetry rn' because i should be practicing and editing for the slam. but i got inspired by a song, and i made characters and i wrote lilia, my cheerleader-bitch, a thing bcs i love her. there were so many italicized parts and i didn't want to read through again just to add the star thingies[asterisks i now realize], so i'm just sharing the doc. here y'all go! lemme know what you think!
@Dances_with_Shadows-might-be-demi
fdsdfjsfj this was so good
I loved the worldbuilding!! I have little to no idea what's going on, but you managed to give me enough information at a time for me to not get lost without giving me a bunch of infodumps.
I also love this character dynamic. so much. But maybe it's because in general I'm soft for characters who have opposite (symbolic) associations.
One thing I noticed in the first paragraph is that you use the passive voice quite a bit ("were alive", "were thrumming" etc) which isn't inherently an issue, but where I'd definitely see if you can substitute for an active verb (for example, "thrummed" works just as well in context and reads a bit smoother).
Thank you so much for sharing!
@crocs
hi I've never met Lilia before but I love her so much
the whole thing is so real and vicious and painful and I love how you build that up in the language. Just. aaaaah. Thank you so much for sharing!!
I'm glad you shared the doc because I think it makes the chat a bit easier to scroll through, but I was also highkey disturbed by the fact that this angry, emotional, intense piece was in comic sans
It just
it has a vibe that I'm not sure does the writing enough justice
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