forum Virtual Creative Writing Club, anyone?

Started July 06, 2019 by @ninja_violinist

tune

Thank you! I’ll think about the sentence length then :)

There's another thing I wrote
TRIGGER WARNING
If you're easily triggered, I'd recommend against reading this. Please.

woaaaaaaaa

guys in a truly shocking turn of events I actually sat down to write this week
and by "write" I mean edit something I wrote for a prompt back in like… September. that I'm now somewhere in the neighbourhood of happy with

WE STAN.

I love them?? So much. The whole thing had me snickering in class, which was luckily unnoticed because we have a sub. But yeah! I like the character dynamic between the two, and it’s so soft and wholesome. I would love to read more about them!

!!!!!!!! thank you!!! that's so good to hear!!!
I've been kind of stuck with my own writing for a few months now so to hear that it actually made someone laugh means the world to me!

Last minute, true to form. It’s short, I know, but I’ve been busy with trying to decide if any of my previous poems are good enough for the two competitions I entered.(let me know if you’ve got any contenders, I need all the help I can get) Anyway, this ones important cause it’s for my best girl, who Circe knows well. My flower bab

---

Flower child
Your heart is a sun.
All the stars in the night sky could never hold a candle
To the warmth in your heart.
You give love like you have to to breathe
Even though you don’t think you deserve it in return.
The daisies at your feet
Don’t shine half as bright as you do
But you both bloom
Into something so beautiful.

Flower child
You deserve the world.
You deserve the love you give and some day
You’re going to find someone.
Someone who will look at your scars
And see flowers blooming along them
Who will hold your smile like it is something precious
And hear your laugh as ambrosia.
You’ll find someone
Who learns your favorite flowers
And does not buy you a bouquet but helps you plant
An entire garden of them.

Flower child,
You are an ethereal being.
The white feathers of your wings may be
Stained with blood
And your halo may be wrapped in thorns
But it is made of gold and lilies
Precious metals and rebirth flowers.
You are something holy and
Benevolent.
And even if the world doesn’t see it
They will.
Because the breeze will sing your name
The way it was always meant to.

Alright friends let's do this
Before I start, can I just say how fabulous it is to get so many people sharing their stuff?? Thank you to everyone who did!! It makes my week to read all the cool things you guys come up with!
(EDIT: aaand I'm very glad I moved this to a Saturday bc this took me nearly 2 hours to critique haha. WARNING: Massive blocs of text incoming.)

@Circe-is-writing+will-be-picky-with-rps
I live for this dynamic. Writing dialogue only (or in this case messages I guess) is a really good way of making sure each character has a distinct voice and to really see relationship dynamics and you did so well!! I highkey love them
Favourite bit:

Wolf: ass
Nik: You love me
Wolf: unfortunately

(iconic)

Only thing I can think to say is mainly just a formatting thing. But having really long chunks of text without paragraph breaks can be a bit intimidating. So if this were like… about to be published or something, I'd recommend cutting down on some of Nik's star-related gushing. But that's not really an issue here, I'm mainly just saying something for the sake of saying something
anyway
Thank you for sharing!! This was fabulous!

@s-t-r-e-s-s-e-d
Reading yours made me sad but in like… a good way, I guess. Both of these were super intense and dealt with heavy subject matters, which I think you handled pretty well!
Letters To Tyler - I like how the character's personality and grief comes through in the journal entries, and I like how you immediately start the reader asking questions (what exactly happened to Tyler? How did their relationship play out? etc) instead of infodumping it all right away.
One thing I noticed is that there's a very distinct shift in the narration in the entry for the 4th of December. She starts using phrases like "my cheeks flushing with embarrassment" which would fit really well if it was happening and she was narrating for us, but it's kind of a stylistic break from the short, choppy, reluctant language she uses before. At one point, it's not directly addressed to him anymore - "though it was clear which one he was talking about".
idk if that even makes sense?? but it did stand out to me
Unnamed Story
Again, you have really strong narration that lets the character's personality shine! The Android thing especially lmao.
I noticed that one of the sentences is in past tense while the rest of the text is present tense ("I waited anxiously for a response…"). I also wonder how this bit:

Her mom is ab- oh… yeah… that happened. Um… -clears throat- excuse me, this is a tough subject for me to talk about. Okay, listen. Her mom is dead.

fits in with the rest of the narration? It seems like Charlotte here is fully aware that she's narrating and breaking the fourth wall by directly addressing the audience. Which idk, that's not necessarily wrong or anything, but it didn't strike me as the same vibe as the rest of the narration??
(ooof I feel like I'm being super pedantic here. Don't worry about it too much. Most of it just personal preference anyway)
But yeah, thank you so much for sharing!! These were really cool to read! Are you planning on continuing either of them?

@Icefire
whoa that took a really dark turn in the end! First time I read this, I was super invested and I actually gasped out loud when I read the last paragraph.
I love the way you use language here! The repetition, the exaggeration, the expressive word choice, everything about this makes it intense and exciting to read.
One thing I'd maybe look at again is some of the sentence structure in the beginning. It might make the whole thing even more intense and punchier to remove some of the "ing" constructions?
For example, "There were lava veins running just beneath the stone" could become "Lava veins ran just beneath the stone", or even "Veins of lava pulsed just beneath the stone". (idk. that last one is probably a bit too dramatic on my part but I think you know what I mean)
or another super pedantic nitpick is that the sentence structure could make the action a bit clearer? For example "He fell as his foot caught on a jag in the stone" gives me the effect before it gives me the cause. It might be clearer to phrase it like "His foot caught on a jag in the stone and he fell", which emphasises the fall more.
idk if I'm making sense. Again, it's already incredibly well-written as is! These are just some line-editing suggestions if you're so inclined.
Thank you for sharing!

@amber_is_a_starchild
I'm gonna be real with you - I've written exactly 3 applications in my life and hated every single one of them. To this day I can't go back and read them because I cringe so much. But I also ended up getting accepted at some of the things I applied to, like uni (somehow?? not sure who made that decision haha) which basically tells me that I have no idea how to judge that kind of writing.
That all being said, I think yours is really good! It's personal, it's persuasive, it's confident but in a friendly way. I just don't think I'm in any position to tell you anything beyond that. Either way I wish you all the best!

your other thing though, that's amazing?? The imagery?? the language?? the general vibe?? I'm here for it.
Favourite line: "The beauty lives in the purity of your delicate despair."
I can't actually think of a thing to critique about this? I admit I was a bit confused by the relationship between beauty, dark, and hope by the end (dark comes after beauty, but dark captures hope and causes it to fuel the beauty, but then I also become the dark?) but I'm guessing that's at least somewhat intentional.
Thank you so much for sharing!

@crocs-is-single-again
This ended me it's so pure. so wholesome. whoever she is, if anything happened to her I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.
Favourite line: literally all of them??? but "And your halo may be wrapped in thorns/ But it is made of gold and lilies" stands out
Only thing I noticed is that the punctuation is a tiny bit inconsistent? There's a comma after the last "flower child" and not the previous ones, even though it'd be grammatically correct for all of them.
idk
And I wonder if "precious metals and rebirth flowers" could be worded a bit more gracefully? It's fine as is, and I know what you're trying to say, but I think in context it might merit a revision.
But yes. Whoever this flower child is I love her and she deserves the world.

As for submitting your poetry, I know one of my absolute favourites of yours is the one with the Alaskan diner mechanical heart blueprints. But it probably depends on what kind of competition you're entering. I hope it goes well for you!

and this week's prompts:

Music Prompt: "Saturn" by Sleeping at Last (I've also compiled all of the music prompts into a playlist on Youtube, so if you want to find a previous one or something you don't have to sort through 20 pages of chat log)

Image prompt: "Glass" by Loish

Word prompt: "Horizon" by Rudy Francisco

I hope I haven't already driven
past my greatest moments

I hope there is something
beautiful on the horizon
that's just as impatient as I am.
Something so eager,
it wants to meet me halfway.
A moment that is diligently
staring at its watch, trembling with
nervousness, frustrated,
and bursting at the seams,
wondering what's taking me
so long to arrive.

@Icefire
whoa that took a really dark turn in the end! First time I read this, I was super invested and I actually gasped out loud when I read the last paragraph.
I love the way you use language here! The repetition, the exaggeration, the expressive word choice, everything about this makes it intense and exciting to read.
One thing I'd maybe look at again is some of the sentence structure in the beginning. It might make the whole thing even more intense and punchier to remove some of the "ing" constructions?
For example, "There were lava veins running just beneath the stone" could become "Lava veins ran just beneath the stone", or even "Veins of lava pulsed just beneath the stone". (idk. that last one is probably a bit too dramatic on my part but I think you know what I mean)
or another super pedantic nitpick is that the sentence structure could make the action a bit clearer? For example "He fell as his foot caught on a jag in the stone" gives me the effect before it gives me the cause. It might be clearer to phrase it like "His foot caught on a jag in the stone and he fell", which emphasises the fall more.
idk if I'm making sense. Again, it's already incredibly well-written as is! These are just some line-editing suggestions if you're so inclined.
Thank you for sharing!

Ooh thank you!! Yeah, I probably could have done some of the grammar and stuff a bit better, but thank you!!

@Circe-is-writing+will-be-picky-with-rps
I live for this dynamic. Writing dialogue only (or in this case messages I guess) is a really good way of making sure each character has a distinct voice and to really see relationship dynamics and you did so well!! I highkey love them
Favourite bit:

Wolf: ass
Nik: You love me
Wolf: unfortunately

(iconic)

Only thing I can think to say is mainly just a formatting thing. But having really long chunks of text without paragraph breaks can be a bit intimidating. So if this were like… about to be published or something, I'd recommend cutting down on some of Nik's star-related gushing. But that's not really an issue here, I'm mainly just saying something for the sake of saying something
anyway
Thank you for sharing!! This was fabulous!

Thank you! Yeah, I realize that large chunks of texts can be intimidating, but how I was thinking about it was this: A) neither one of my babies are writers, so they don't know that and B) Nik is basically a hoe for the stars and space, so he'll most definitely word vomit about it without thinking to break it up in paragraphs. I understand what you're saying though! I'll keep that in mind when actual dialogue consists of a lot of speaking.

Admittedly, the poem was written when I was already half asleep, so going back and fixing punctuation and the wording on that line might be a great idea. I’m glad you like it tho!! And yes, she is babey. Currently, she just dealt with a very big breakdown in the roleplay she’s from(considering writing her a story tbh…) but she’s managing and very much appreciates your support.

Admittedly, the poem was written when I was already half asleep, so going back and fixing punctuation and the wording on that line might be a great idea. I’m glad you like it tho!! And yes, she is babey. Currently, she just dealt with a very big breakdown in the roleplay she’s from(considering writing her a story tbh…) but she’s managing and very much appreciates your support.

wait

was it about Rhydar's precious flower????
I didn't read it

Circe, that’s so rude. But yes, yes it was. I wrote my darling girl another poem

Circe, that’s so rude. But yes, yes it was. I wrote my darling girl another poem

I am rude, you should know this by now

I have something for y'all! Remember that prologue thing for a story called The Eagle Calls? Well this is the first chapter of the first part of the story—To Put at Ease. Enjoy!

---

The casino was packed full of bodies, hungry bodies, greedy bodies.

Rich bodies.

The man smiled to himself as he did his tricks, coaxing more and more money out of the people gathered around the stage. They were fools, fools with money that paid to see a man turn into a cat, to see a cat turn into a man. A simple trick, one that earned more money if he listened to a fool’s command with perfect efficiency. He didn’t mind this at all. It paid the bills he was seeking to pay.

Las Vegas was so tolerant of magic.
He was smart in this choice for once.

Night fell, his favorite time now. It wasn’t because it was when he got home after an entire afternoon of working. It wasn’t because he could sleep the day away and dwell on his future in peace. It wasn’t because he could sleep next to his boyfriend, all cuddled up in his embrace and as relaxed as can be. No, it was because of the stars he made a point to learn. It was because of the myths he studied about the constellations. It was because of the mysterious darkness, the thundering comets, the colorful galaxies, the shooting meteor showers. It was the great vastness of the unknown the place he could look up to and feel at peace, like he could feel a certain person’s gaze.

Oh, how he wished things weren’t so confusing between him and the stars.

The man walked home to the house he and his boyfriend shared. Every now and again, he’d spot the same figure swooping in the sky, nothing more than a moving silhouette. He watched the bird—for it was far too high and graceful to be a bat—as he walked, thoughts wondering more and more the longer he spent watching. It was strange. He never thought about any of this since forever ago. Why now? Why this suddenly? The thoughts continued to plague his mind as he frantically approached the stairs to his house. It was a ways away from the bustling casinos and bright night-life, but he didn’t mind. He liked the time to himself, like the chance to be alone with his thoughts.

Well, usually. Tonight, he just wanted to sprint into his boyfriend’s arms and pretend his mind never said any of that.

It was impossible. He’d never have the courage to do any of that.

The man crept through the dark house, poking his nose in here and there. Where was he? He was usually there to greet him, but tonight was different for some reason.

Tonight was strange. He didn’t like it.

He finally found his beloved, and he couldn’t stop the soft and loving smile that bloomed on his lips as he walked over to him. He was in their bedroom, passed out on the reading nook they had in the window, long and lithe limbs sprawled out. He was tall, too, so that didn’t exactly help him fit. But, the man had a feeling that this man would always sleep this adorably, even if he were his small height. It was just what he did.

His fingers found his sleeping boyfriend’s jaw, lightly tracing over the stubbled edges before dipping down to fondly pet the kitten sleeping on the taller man’s chest. So cute, he mentally cooed, then backed off to change into something more comfortable. He stripped off his leather jacket—an old and worn gift he had gotten when he was just seventeen—then peeled off his form-fitting shirt and jeans. Once free of that particular prison, he snatched up some nice sweatpants and one of his boyfriend’s oversized hoodies.

He breathed a soft sigh of relief when he was shrouded in warmth and that distinct caramel scent. He would never get tired of this.

Comfortable and warm, the man came back over to the sleeping duo and crawled onto the nook, nesting himself in the other man’s side, his back to the window. Neither stirred, so he grabbed the man’s arm and wrapped it around himself for maximum comfort.

This is what he loved. He loved these simple, happy moments he got with this man. He loved the shared smiles and laughter, he loved the trouble they got into together, the loved the mutual understanding they had of each other’s pasts, he loved everything.

The man gazed up at the other’s face, mind churning once more. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with this amazing person. he wanted to love and cherish him, just as he knew he’d be loved and cherished—in his boyfriend’s own grumpy, slightly sarcastic and assholish way. He wanted a life, a new life, one where he could start over and be whoever he wanted to be.

Vegas was nice and all, and he had this man with him already, but something nagged at the back of his mind. He couldn’t place it, however. It seemed almost like when he was on his walk home. . .

A loud crash made him jump out of his thoughts—literally. He clutched his boyfriend’s arm as his heart raced and his eyes were wide while they stared out the window.

The bird.
More like an eagle, now that he could see it properly.

The majestic bird of prey sat just outside his window, its white head shining just as bright as the moon in the sky. Its eyes, so full of unnatural intelligence, stared directly at him, not one dark feather ruffled. It stared. He stared. Neither moved. The man could hardly bring himself to breathe. Soon enough, as if in a trance, everything but the eagle faded away and it was almost like someone was pulling his thoughts into the light of his mind’s eye, forcing him to consider what he had been pondering on that blasted walk home.

He loved this man, the man he was clutching so tightly. He. . . he wanted to marry him, to propose. His heart picked up again at the idea, but it wasn’t nearly as scary as what came next.

To start the new life he wanted, he’d have to end the old one. There were things left undone, things left unanswered, things ignored for too long. He’d have to confront those things once and for all in order for him to truly start a new life. He’d have to swallow his pride and face it head-on.

It was terrifying, to be blunt. How was he supposed to pretend to be fine when the very thought of doing this made him break out in a cold sweat? But at the same time, he was furious at one particular thing he’d have to do. He refused. He could move on without needing to do that. He’d be fine.

The eagle seemed to glower, and he cowered into his boyfriend’s side.

His eyes snapped open. The spell was broken all of a sudden, gone with just a blink. He felt like he had been dreaming—his now open eyes were heavy with sleep and he was slumped into his boyfriend’s body. His eyes darted to the window, and all that lay there was a single black feather. Taunting him.

The man looked up at the person he loved dearly, the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and mulled over what he had just dreamed.

Seconds, minutes, hours, he didn’t notice time as it passed by. All he knew was that he wanted something. . .

And he would be damned if he wasn’t allowed to get it.

Last minute, true to form. It’s short, I know, but I’ve been busy with trying to decide if any of my previous poems are good enough for the two competitions I entered.(let me know if you’ve got any contenders, I need all the help I can get) Anyway, this ones important cause it’s for my best girl, who Circe knows well. My flower bab

---

Flower child
Your heart is a sun.
All the stars in the night sky could never hold a candle
To the warmth in your heart.
You give love like you have to to breathe
Even though you don’t think you deserve it in return.
The daisies at your feet
Don’t shine half as bright as you do
But you both bloom
Into something so beautiful.

Flower child
You deserve the world.
You deserve the love you give and some day
You’re going to find someone.
Someone who will look at your scars
And see flowers blooming along them
Who will hold your smile like it is something precious
And hear your laugh as ambrosia.
You’ll find someone
Who learns your favorite flowers
And does not buy you a bouquet but helps you plant
An entire garden of them.

Flower child,
You are an ethereal being.
The white feathers of your wings may be
Stained with blood
And your halo may be wrapped in thorns
But it is made of gold and lilies
Precious metals and rebirth flowers.
You are something holy and
Benevolent.
And even if the world doesn’t see it
They will.
Because the breeze will sing your name
The way it was always meant to.

dude, you are an amazing poet, and this is beautiful.

Shfhdhd dude thank you????? That means so much to me

So we’re all well aware essays are very much not my strong suit, right? Well, I had to write a narrative essay featuring an event showing cultural perspective, and uh. Yeah. I’m not proud of it, especially because I scrapped it twice entirely and then wrote it, but yeah. Feedback is greatly appreciated. Please keep in mind that I have literally never written a narrative essay before ghjbhsfjhbd. Anyway, I just straight up copy pasted it

---

The sound of dogs is the first clue that things are about to get a whole lot worse.

That made it seem like it wasn’t already bad in the first place. But for Tashina, who had
been at the construction site for the Dakota Access pipeline for hours already, protest sign in hand, it had been bad. The dogs were just icing on the cake. They want us dead. The thought hit hard, a heavy blow to an already sore chest. All she was, all her people were to this corporation, were roadblocks.

Expendable. The screams made that obvious.

The commotion came from somewhere to her left, starting with shouts. The noise grew gradually, panicked shouts and cries turning into something more terrified. And by the time Tashina made it to the source of the commotion, she almost whished she hadn’t. That would have saved her from the sight of the snarling dogs, just barely controlled by the officers in their imposing uniforms with guns at their hips. A woman with a baby on her hip ushered her back, away from the officers with all the calm of a rock in a storm. While Tashina shook, this woman stood still and tall, shouting along with the others, in a voice that was less terrified and more appalled.

“You took our land and our lives once! You don’t get to do it again!” More and more
people around Tashina were gathering themselves, even among the fear. Even as the officers shouted and threatened them. Even as the sound of construction equipment threatened to drown them out. And when the protestors began tasting pepper spray, some of them did quit. Some, but not all.

Tashina almost did. Any sane person would have, she was sure, with a mouth full of fire and burning in their lungs and eyes. She found herself blind, stumbling and doing her best to make sense of the noise and storm around her. The longer she grew overwhelmed, the more she wanted to go home. The more she wished to be back in school, to go home to her mother’s arms and a warm meal.

But she was fighting for home. For other people’s homes. For her people’s way of life,
and the land that was home to their practices and ancestors. The screaming people around her were fighting for their homes, too. The mother with her baby were fighting for their home, the little boy with the sign four times as large as himself was. There was no giving up, not if they could change something.

So change something, they would. Tashina didn’t go home. Not until her mother was
calling her frantically, the images on the news and the sight of her daughter so close to that violence instilling a fear so deep she thought her mother might start crying. But she was back the next day, her mother beside her, crates of waterbottles in their arms. Together, each person there stood strong, just as unified as the officers with the dogs and guns and pepper spray, but unrelenting.

Crocs that is…wow. I love it!

---

So I wrote this…and even I know that it's choppy and rough lmao. But it's inspired by a few different characters of mine, all who have been in war. So here goes lol

---

And if, by chance, he happens
to speak,
Do not, do not, do not
mention scars, or
infer of wars you have never
fought; do not speak of impulses involving a
blade to your own skin, or a
gun to your lips.
Do not, do not, do not
say that you understand, that
you have seen things too;
Do not describe battlefields bathed
In blood. Do not mention midnight
tears or that disease that is
shell shock; do not, do not, do not
whisper of madness or insanity, of
broken glass or air raid sirens.
Do not, do not, do not
tell him that all will
"Be alright" and that this too
shall pass in time.
Do not, do not, do not
ever pretend that you know what haunts
a broken mind and body and
soul. Do not, do not, do not tell him
about the war; you didn't fight it.
It was fought for those such
as you. Fought for the innocent, while
creating broken men like him. And if
at night, he awakens you with
screams and cries of bloody terror
Do not, do not, do not
say a word, say "it was all in your
mind", for he knows this, he knows
and it tears him apart to not be
strong enough to fight the Demons
that creep through his soul, that
slither through his mind and heart.

When he came back, he left the
fight, but the fighting could not
forsake him so easily. He sees them
still, lost soldiers, brothers, kindred.
Lost to bloody death and
war. He does not deserve this, but
he will always believe that he
does. He does not believe he deserves the
same peace that he believes in for
You.

^^ both of these… damn they're great

I like it Ice! Might I just recommend breaking it up a bit into stanzas? One long brick of text is a teeny bit daunting. Other than that, it’s great and really touching. Made me sad rip

Oof thanks!! Yeah, that's probably a good idea lmao

I never really posted anything here, but I’ve been following since the start of the thread, and I finally wrote something. I wrote it for Nate, but I liked it a lot. You don’t have to critique it if you don’t want to. For context, I call him “My big fluffy sunshine man” and the warmth in my life.

“You are the warm summer day of my break.

The soft heat that brushes on my cheeks, and the light from the burning sun above me. You inflame my senses and fill me with an everlasting warmth.

You're that perfect day in June, where it isn't too cold, nor is it too hot. The day where I can go outside and sit all day in the sun, basking in its glory. You're the day I miss on chilly days.

You bring about plants that I see only in spring and summer; Sunflowers, cherry blossoms, and tulips. You're the season of life, that touches everything around it. To the soft whistling birds, to the luscious green leaves anew on the trees. The laughter of squirrels on my roof, skidding around with their hard paws on the shingles.

You're the summer day I enjoy the most.”

@Dances_with_Shadows !!!! this was so good!! Really enjoyed reading this! You've got a super interesting tone going - because we never get any of the main character's names, the whole thing feels very distanced and reflective even though we're so intimately included in his thought process. It sets up the characters, raises mystery, doesn't info dump - really well done!
Probably the main thing that stuck out to me was the pacing. The whole thing added up to about 2 and a half pages in my word processor, which is relatively short for an entire chapter. The length, coupled with the lack of names, made it feel almost more like a prologue than a first chapter to me? idk. I got some prologue vibes from it I guess
Especially the first few paragraphs threw me off pacing-wise - the opening sentence starts out setting the scene in a packed casino, but then we only have about two sentences of any action in the casino before it moves on to his interior monologue and then suddenly he's walking home. It could almost as well have opened with him walking home with the mention that he's coming from the casino and there'd be little information lost, if you know what I mean?
Things slow down a lot once he gets home compared to these first few paragraphs, so there's a bit of stylistic dissonance there if I'm being super picky. idk. I'm guessing this fits really well into the larger picture that I'm not seeing.
Either way, I really loved this! Thank you for sharing!

@crocs-is-single-again So I genuinely had to look up what a narrative essay was because we didn't do that/call it that when I was in school. From what I gather, the form mainly involves: a) telling a story b) using narrative techniques and c) making some kind of explicit point with it.
And you do really well with the technique aspect! Great choice in vocab, dialogue, descriptions, and super vivid imagery. It made everything just the right level of intense - I was right in there with Tashina.
And I can kind of tell the point you're trying to make about the value of community and resilience in fighting against injustice, but I'd encourage you to be a bit more direct about it. You can straight-up tell the audience what you want them to take away from this (this is not good advice any kind of fiction setting but I think that's what the form is looking for?). The point of the narrative is still to point towards your thesis, so that's a lot easier to do if you explicitly tell everyone your thesis.
Also, I gather from my cursory research that it's generally expected for the narrative to have all the elements of a full plot - intro, rising action, climax, falling action, conclusion - which, while visible, could also probably clarified in yours a bit more if I'm being pedantic about it.
(again, I hardly know what I'm doing here haha. I did find this super cool narrative essay by Maya Angelou called New Directions so I'd check that out for inspiration on structure. but yeah. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful here)

@Icefire_needs_a_profile_pic this was so good!!!! It made me hurt but I think that was the point, so it was excellent!! I love the repetition, the intensity, all the beautifully and strategically placed linebreaks… just yeah. Love this.
Favourite line: "Do not, do not, do not tell him/ about the war; you didn't fight it./ It was fought for those such/ as you."
And crocs already said the one thing I can think of haha - the long text can be a bit intimidating (though I will say that it matches the kind of frantic tone a bit? idk). Other than that, I only found one phrase that sounded a tiny bit awkward - I wonder if "infer of wars" could be said a bit more gracefully? maybe??
anyway, this was beautiful, thank you for blessing us

@Emi-Is-a-Full-Moon-Lover this is so wholesome??? so pure??? This made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside haha.
Favourite line: "You're the day I miss on chilly days." (I died this was so cute)
(I couldn't really find much to critique tbh). Thank you so much for sharing!!