forum Your personal venting space.

Started January 17, 2019 by @The-N-U-T-Cracker

tune

trigger warning

Spoiler - click to show.

Had went nearly 2 weeks without cutting

me too… This morning

Sucks doesn't it
you try so hard and then one little dip in your mood

… And it all just crumbles.

Have you tried drawing with a pen? If you can transform it into tattoos that helps.

Have you tried drawing with a pen? If you can transform it into tattoos that helps.

i secinfsecond this it works! And bonus if you do it while listening to music

But probably stay away from sad music.

But probably stay away from sad music.

Definitely

(Warning: This may be mildly triggering to anyone who is suffering or has suffered from mental illness. Stay safe!)

I just need some outside perspective on some of the things going on for me. I can't tell if things are actually playing out unfairly towards me, or if I'm just having trouble getting out of my head because I'm upset.

Let me just give some background. I'm seventeen, currently enrolled in my senior year of high school. I'm in a program known as Cambridge or AICE, which in my opinion, is sort of pointless in many ways. It's incredibly stressful, but the idea behind it is that you can enroll in AICE in order to get your AICE diploma, which is supposed to help you earn college credits, look really good on your resume and help you apply for a full-ride scholarship. However, at the beginning of senior year, we find out that most of the good colleges in the area could care less about how good an AICE diploma looks as long as you have good SAT/ACT scores, a good GPA, and other qualifying credentials. In other words, I wasted my last three years of high school undergoing ridiculously difficult courses meant for college students, putting myself under so much stress that I was seriously considering suicide, and overall led to the development of crippling anxiety and depression, just to find out colleges don't even value it that much. Which is bad in itself, but hey, at least some of the classes were interesting. (I'm taking three AICE classes currently, plus an AP course.)

Now, my GPA is a little above a 3.0, unweighted. It would be a lot higher if my AICE classes weren't dragging it down, but that's besides the point. I was allowed to take the SAT once, since my mother doesn't want to pay for it multiple times if I'm not studying to the degree that she deems necessary (understandable, to an extent, especially since I don't have a job and can't afford to pay for it on my own) (I don't have a job because I'm not allowed to until my grades are deemed worthy enough by her). I studied as well as I could in between juggling my college-level courses, because, as you can imagine, they hand out a lot of homework and expect it back very quickly. So I took the SAT, and I scored a grand total of 1180. Not great, but I suppose I could've done significantly worse. It's important to know that math is my absolute weakest point, and has been that way since I started attending school. My mother's reaction to this score? Mumbling over and over, "That's awful. That's absolutely awful." So that was a huge boost to my self esteem.

It's also important to know that, because of my depression, I have a history of not completing all of my work. It seemed pointless at the time, and I just wanted to suffer in silence. Since about June, though, my mental health has drastically improved. I can't say why, exactly, because I don't entirely know how, but it did. Ever since my senior year started in August, I've been doing an incredible job of keeping up on my work and keeping my grades up, although the difficult classes would occasionally dip because, like I said, they're hard.

Around a week after school started, however, something else significant happened to me, which was actually developing a crush on some kid. I know, worst timing possible, but what could I do? He was new to the school and didn't really know anybody, and we seemed to become friends pretty quickly—I even got his number—so I thought I might even have a chance. And then Homecoming came around, and he spent the night dancing with another girl, who just so happens to be the younger sister of my ex-crush of seven years. Coming from someone who rarely ever gets a serious crush on people, and from someone who's never been in a relationship before, I was heartbroken. Things really sucked for a while, and my grades kinda showed it. I still managed to pull off the quarter with five A's, two B's and a C, somehow, and although my mom wasn't pleased with the C in the slightest, she kinda let it go because she knew what had happened with the guy I like. She still got on me a bit, but that was it.

Anyways, I sorta recovered, although I'm still head-over-heels with the guy and I can't change that. Things were fine until he showed up to school with a hickey, which just kind of resurfaced all the sadness for a while. I'm mostly okay, but I did have a relapse in depression for a couple of weeks. I wouldn't say I'm still there, but I'm more down than usual, and my friends have been picking up on it.

So yeah. Flash forward to today, and I haven't checked my grades in a couple of weeks. I'm excited about Halloween tomorrow, planning my outfit/costume for the day, asking for my mom's advice and bouncing ideas off of her, when I guess she gets annoyed at me. She randomly brought up my grades, and told me to show her what they were. So, I did. And they're not spectacular. Four A's, a B, two C's and a high D. But at the same time, this is the second week of the second quarter, and there aren't enough grades in the gradebook to balance them all out, yet. A lot of the assignments in there are assignments from the previous quarter, when I was in a rut of depression. My creative writing class (which I love), is the one with a D in it, because I couldn't motivate myself enough to continue a plot about finding happiness when I wasn't feeling it. My teacher was super understanding, but she still had to put in a grade. And the C's are in my AP class and my Pre-Calc class (remember when I said math wasn't my strong suit?). I showed my mom, pretty much wincing and saying, "They're not great," to which she replied "I know," expectantly. I asked her how she knew, when I hadn't even known, myself, and she said something along the lines of "Because of the way you're acting at home." I guess I've been holed up in my room more than usual or whatever, which doesn't make sense because I do my homework in my room, and I'm not allowed to shut my door during the day. Anyways, my mom was pretty quiet at first, so I, having gone through this procedure countless of times before, started explaining the above mentioned things to her as calmly as I could before she exploded. She cut me off and accused me of brushing my grades aside as if they were unimportant, and got angrier when I tried (again, calmly) defending myself by saying, "I'm sorry. I just don't want you to yell at me." She then proceeded to yell at me, bringing up my crush and saying it was because I was distracted (which, okay, I understand that you have a point, but yelling at me only heightens my anxiety and makes me want to both fight you and cry at the same time). She said this was why I wasn't allowed to go out with friends (which I very rarely ask to do because she usually shuts me down—or at least, that's how it feels. She does let me hang out with them more than I probably give her credit for, but the last time was well over a month ago, and I only ever see them in the hallways at school because we don't share any classes this year.) And then she told me to give her my phone and headphones.

A little something about me—music was my lifeline throughout my previous years of high school. It was one of the primary reasons I decided against suicide, and besides that, it helps me focus. She knows this. It also calms my nerves when I'm overly anxious or my brain decides to toss a bunch of horrid thoughts at me. So taking away my music, like she always does whenever she's unhappy with me, was a devastating blow that had me physically shaking in anger. But I'm used to it by now, so I shoved those feelings back into the hole they crawled out of until I could escape to my room. She also told me I couldn't draw on my arms anymore, which is always a highlight of my day.

A part of me really wants to rebel. Bad. I still have my radio in my room, and I considered blasting music as loud as I could just to spite her. I considered straight up taking my phone and headphones back and walking out the door, but I can't drive, I don't have a car, and I have nowhere to escape to other than my cousin's house, which is a mile away and, quite frankly, an incredibly obvious route. I couldn't do that anyways, because I have homework for that AP class I have a C in, but it would've been immensely satisfying for all of three seconds.

I honestly don't know if I'm overreacting or not. I'm sure the way I described my mom in my post would seem unfair to her, but this is how I feel it went down, with an attempt to be as objective as possible. On the other hand, I'm seventeen. In another nine months, I'll be eighteen and a legal adult. Granted, I can't pay for housing or my phone or groceries or, quite frankly, anything, but I don't feel as if she respects me at all. I don't really feel respected anywhere, to be honest, except when I'm making art for other people or hanging out with my friends. And I don't ever call out my mom when she zones out or is distant for weeks at a time. I don't tell her to get her crap together and fix her life. I listen to her when she cries, and I don't twist her words against her later when it seems most convenient. Not that she always does it to me, but it hurts when she calls me manipulative for trying to disengage in an argument by pacifying her. Which now always has me questioning my motives. Am I being manipulative for writing this? Am I fishing for sympathy from total online strangers? And does it make me a bad person if I am?

I don't know anymore, but I'm tired of being sad. It sounds incredibly cliche and shallow, but I wish I was always the person I am around my friends. I'm always happy and energetic and playful around them, and it's like nothing can get me down until I walk away and become reminded of the fact that I'll always have to live with me.

Have you tried drawing with a pen? If you can transform it into tattoos that helps.

i secinfsecond this it works! And bonus if you do it while listening to music

i used to do that for a couple years, it works

Man that was a trip. You have my sympathy. If she truly does know -and I mean really know- about the music, then yes she is being horrid. If she doesn't understand… Well then that's it. She doesn't understand and is making wrong decisions based on that.

Have you tried drawing with a pen? If you can transform it into tattoos that helps.

i secinfsecond this it works! And bonus if you do it while listening to music

i used to do that for a couple years, it works

Oof man noticed the mistake in my message sry but yay that's cool!

Man that was a trip. You have my sympathy. If she truly does know -and I mean really know- about the music, then yes she is being horrid. If she doesn't understand… Well then that's it. She doesn't understand and is making wrong decisions based on that.

Yeah I agree.
Cloudy you're not a bad person in the least and for goodness sakes seeking help isn't looking for attention, and you're not being manipulative, and also we love you Cloudy

First of all, @CloudyWithAChanceofSpontaneousCreativity your mom is gaslighting you. I know this because my mom does the same thing to me. It makes you question if your intentions are really pure and if you're actually really this bad person. It really messes with your head, but you can't let her keep doing this.

It's probably me just being a cold-hearted ass bastard on my part but don't listen to her and possibly ignore her. I personally learned how to shut off my feelings regarding my mom- but that's brought up a bunch of other problems so don't do that. Just know that we're here to support you and help you go through whatever the heck it is you need.

also, as i was reading your post, I got a little scared cause the situation you described is something i go through on a daily basis and it's kinda scary how we're going through the same thing. but that aside, just know that this, the whole 'world' and 'life' thing is pointless. Live in here and now and don't worry about your grades. If you keep putting that first then you'll end up not having enough health for it and then it would have been for nothing.

i know my views on life and everything, in general, are pretty pessimistic but that's how i get through life, that's how i help myself. but dude, just know that you only have a few more months left and you'll be out of school, one less thing to worry about and one less stressor.

talk it out with your mom, if you know she won't change then don't even bother (as in my case). focus on yourself, this isn't about what your mom needs or how you want to make her feel. You. don't. need. her. approval. for. anything. If she wants to treat you like trash then do that same thing right back. It may seem like a horrible thing to do but there's no point in treating someone nice when all they do is keep emotionally beating you up.

sorry if this didn't help, i know im pretty emotionally detached when it comes to things like this, especially when i don't know people too well, but i tried.

First of all, @CloudyWithAChanceofSpontaneousCreativity your mom is gaslighting you. I know this because my mom does the same thing to me. It makes you question if your intentions are really pure and if you're actually really this bad person. It really messes with your head, but you can't let her keep doing this.

It's probably me just being a cold-hearted ass bastard on my part but don't listen to her and possibly ignore her. I personally learned how to shut off my feelings regarding my mom- but that's brought up a bunch of other problems so don't do that. Just know that we're here to support you and help you go through whatever the heck it is you need.

also, as i was reading your post, I got a little scared cause the situation you described is something i go through on a daily basis and it's kinda scary how we're going through the same thing. but that aside, just know that this, the whole 'world' and 'life' thing is pointless. Live in here and now and don't worry about your grades. If you keep putting that first then you'll end up not having enough health for it and then it would have been for nothing.

i know my views on life and everything, in general, are pretty pessimistic but that's how i get through life, that's how i help myself. but dude, just know that you only have a few more months left and you'll be out of school, one less thing to worry about and one less stressor.

talk it out with your mom, if you know she won't change then don't even bother (as in my case). focus on yourself, this isn't about what your mom needs or how you want to make her feel. You. don't. need. her. approval. for. anything. If she wants to treat you like trash then do that same thing right back. It may seem like a horrible thing to do but there's no point in treating someone nice when all they do is keep emotionally beating you up.

sorry if this didn't help, i know im pretty emotionally detached when it comes to things like this, especially when i don't know people too well, but i tried.

Kota here's hitting folks with the good advice man! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Man that was a trip. You have my sympathy. If she truly does know -and I mean really know- about the music, then yes she is being horrid. If she doesn't understand… Well then that's it. She doesn't understand and is making wrong decisions based on that.

She says she understands when I try and bring it up to her, but then she tells me it's a distraction, when in reality it feels as if it's the opposite. I have a hard time differentiating, to be honest. It bothers me more that now, about an hour and a half later, she's acting as if nothing occurred between us and is acting friendly when she knows I'm still upset over it. It just… feels like emotional whiplash, to be honest.

Yeah I agree.
Cloudy you're not a bad person in the least and for goodness sakes seeking help isn't looking for attention, and you're not being manipulative, and also we love you Cloudy

Thanks. I appreciate it, and I hope you're right. I just don't want to hurt people, intentionally or unintentionally, but my pride always gets in the way, especially when it feels like I'm not allowed to defend myself unless I want to be punished for it.

I dunno, sorry if I brought anyone down with that mess. I just really needed to get it off my chest, and then I saw there was a chat for it, so I kinda just…did.

And as for

Have you tried drawing with a pen? If you can transform it into tattoos that helps.

I can also attest that this works. I recently drew a sleeve of tattoos with pen and permanent marker for Halloween, consisting of a bunch of iconic movie characters, like Freddy Krueger, Johnny from The Shining, and Frankenstein's Monster. It was mostly to distract myself from emotional drama, but it ended up looking really cool. So seasonal things, lyrics, abstract flowers or animals—anything that you really like or feel at the time. Pinterest is also a really good source of inspiration for those. And if you ever feel like making them last a bit longer (it's hard to want to mess up something you worked hard on), you can use baby powder and hairspray.

Man that was a trip. You have my sympathy. If she truly does know -and I mean really know- about the music, then yes she is being horrid. If she doesn't understand… Well then that's it. She doesn't understand and is making wrong decisions based on that.

She says she understands when I try and bring it up to her, but then she tells me it's a distraction, when in reality it feels as if it's the opposite. I have a hard time differentiating, to be honest. It bothers me more that now, about an hour and a half later, she's acting as if nothing occurred between us and is acting friendly when she knows I'm still upset over it. It just… feels like emotional whiplash, to be honest.

It kinda is. That's emotional abuse tbh and do you have anyone you can bring it to for help and relief outside of here?

First of all, @CloudyWithAChanceofSpontaneousCreativity your mom is gaslighting you. I know this because my mom does the same thing to me. It makes you question if your intentions are really pure and if you're actually really this bad person. It really messes with your head, but you can't let her keep doing this.

It's probably me just being a cold-hearted ass bastard on my part but don't listen to her and possibly ignore her. I personally learned how to shut off my feelings regarding my mom- but that's brought up a bunch of other problems so don't do that. Just know that we're here to support you and help you go through whatever the heck it is you need.

also, as i was reading your post, I got a little scared cause the situation you described is something i go through on a daily basis and it's kinda scary how we're going through the same thing. but that aside, just know that this, the whole 'world' and 'life' thing is pointless. Live in here and now and don't worry about your grades. If you keep putting that first then you'll end up not having enough health for it and then it would have been for nothing.

i know my views on life and everything, in general, are pretty pessimistic but that's how i get through life, that's how i help myself. but dude, just know that you only have a few more months left and you'll be out of school, one less thing to worry about and one less stressor.

talk it out with your mom, if you know she won't change then don't even bother (as in my case). focus on yourself, this isn't about what your mom needs or how you want to make her feel. You. don't. need. her. approval. for. anything. If she wants to treat you like trash then do that same thing right back. It may seem like a horrible thing to do but there's no point in treating someone nice when all they do is keep emotionally beating you up.

sorry if this didn't help, i know im pretty emotionally detached when it comes to things like this, especially when i don't know people too well, but i tried.

I don't think you're emotionally detached at all! I really appreciate your input, actually. I'll try talking it out with her sometime soon, since she must understand at least parts of what I'm going through, considering I think she feels similarly in some of those regards. She's not a bad person, but it gets to the point that my nerves feel so frayed and I'm living on the edge of a mental breakdown, so you're right in that it needs to stop.

As for living day to day, I've heard that advice a lot, but it's something I struggle with constantly, because, especially at this time in my life, everyone is stressing that I have to go to college or I have to get good grades or I *have to do all the things other people are doing or I'll be left behind and become miserable. But I think what no one realizes is that we're already miserable.

Anyways, seriously, thank you for taking the time to reach out to me. It means a lot—and that's not just something I'm saying I'm saying lightly.

Yeah I agree.
Cloudy you're not a bad person in the least and for goodness sakes seeking help isn't looking for attention, and you're not being manipulative, and also we love you Cloudy

Thanks. I appreciate it, and I hope you're right. I just don't want to hurt people, intentionally or unintentionally, but my pride always gets in the way, especially when it feels like I'm not allowed to defend myself unless I want to be punished for it.

I dunno, sorry if I brought anyone down with that mess. I just really needed to get it off my chest, and then I saw there was a chat for it, so I kinda just…did.

On the subject of not wanting to hurt people, I totally feel the same thing, sometimes I don't say anything, because I don't want to hurt anyone, but then I realized that the people who do love me, Who really care would be better off if I told them, instead of suffering in silence. So thank you.

---

And as for

Have you tried drawing with a pen? If you can transform it into tattoos that helps.

I can also attest that this works. I recently drew a sleeve of tattoos with pen and permanent marker for Halloween, consisting of a bunch of iconic movie characters, like Freddy Krueger, Johnny from The Shining, and Frankenstein's Monster. It was mostly to distract myself from emotional drama, but it ended up looking really cool. So seasonal things, lyrics, abstract flowers or animals—anything that you really like or feel at the time. Pinterest is also a really good source of inspiration for those. And if you ever feel like making them last a bit longer (it's hard to want to mess up something you worked hard on), you can use baby powder and hairspray.

!!!!! So cool!

It kinda is. That's emotional abuse tbh and do you have anyone you can bring it to for help and relief outside of here?

I feel like my initial post didn't really cover a few things, which is why I hesitate to agree with you about the emotional abuse thing. Yes, I agree that whatever this is isn't healthy and needs to stop, but I'm not sure it's (I'm reluctant to say this word, but I can't think of an alternative) severe enough to qualify as a type of abuse.

My post was misleading in that it made my mom and I's relationship seem bad. My mom and I actually have a great relationship, if I'm being honest. She's stayed at home for me for as long as I've been alive, and we're open about pretty much everything that happens to us. I talk to her way more than my dad, who's usually at work all day. I think the issue has more to do with the fact that she's been so used to me doing what she wants she expects all the time that she doesn't know how to properly respond when I don't meet those expectations. I think she's just overcompensating for what she considers to be her own parental failure, and she doesn't really see how it impacts me… I try to explain it to her, but I'm also really bad at wording things, and I tend to buffer everything I do say (it's a nasty habit that I really need to change) in case she responds negatively. In other words, I don't think she reacts the way she does for the sole purpose of hurting me.

…And I know I'm defending her, which can be interpreted as a red flag of types of abuse, but she's probably my biggest support system in life. She supported me when I said I wanted to be an engineer, and she supported my when I said there was no way in hell I was going to be an engineer, and also when I said I wanted to be in a band or become a tattoo artist. (Okay, she was a little reluctant about that last one, but she still thinks I'd be good at it.)

But to answer your question, I do have people to talk to about it. I'm lucky enough to have some really close friends and teachers that I can lean on. I just can't talk to any of them in this moment, because I don't have my phone anymore… But I see my best friend early tomorrow morning, which is something to look forward to.

!!!!! So cool!

Thanks! (I'm assuming you're talking about the drawings lol.) It's just something I like to do in my free time, since thinking is overrated.

Ngl that's ticked me off a little, but you do you.

okay, sorry about that, would you like to explain why it ticked you off for future reference?

You actively choose not to sleep, I'm assuming for paranoia reasons—correct me if I'm wrong.
I would give anything to be able to sleep, but the paranoia and chemical imbalance forces me to stay awake and it's killing me.
Whenever I hear about someone choosing not to sleep, it just makes me annoyed because people like me aren't given the choice

i choose not to sleep because of paranoia and ptsd. i'm sorry it ticked you off for that wasn't my intention

It kinda is. That's emotional abuse tbh and do you have anyone you can bring it to for help and relief outside of here?

I feel like my initial post didn't really cover a few things, which is why I hesitate to agree with you about the emotional abuse thing. Yes, I agree that whatever this is isn't healthy and needs to stop, but I'm not sure it's (I'm reluctant to say this word, but I can't think of an alternative) severe enough to qualify as a type of abuse.

Okay, so definitely has soms unhealthy aspects, but not that bad? Alrighty, I kinda understand (that's my relationship with mine too).

My post was misleading in that it made my mom and I's relationship seem bad. My mom and I actually have a great relationship, if I'm being honest. She's stayed at home for me for as long as I've been alive, and we're open about pretty much everything that happens to us. I talk to her way more than my dad, who's usually at work all day. I think the issue has more to do with the fact that she's been so used to me doing what she wants she expects all the time that she doesn't know how to properly respond when I don't meet those expectations. I think she's just overcompensating for what she considers to be her own parental failure, and she doesn't really see how it impacts me… I try to explain it to her, but I'm also really bad at wording things, and I tend to buffer everything I do say (it's a nasty habit that I really need to change) in case she responds negatively. In other words, I don't think she reacts the way she does for the sole purpose of hurting me.

Gotcha!

…And I know I'm defending her, which can be interpreted as a red flag of types of abuse, but she's probably my biggest support system in life. She supported me when I said I wanted to be an engineer, and she supported my when I said there was no way in hell I was going to be an engineer, and also when I said I wanted to be in a band or become a tattoo artist. (Okay, she was a little reluctant about that last one, but she still thinks I'd be good at it.)

That's good.

But to answer your question, I do have people to talk to about it. I'm lucky enough to have some really close friends and teachers that I can lean on. I just can't talk to any of them in this moment, because I don't have my phone anymore… But I see my best friend early tomorrow morning, which is something to look forward to.

Okay, I guess follow @KhaoticNeutral's advice, but if it gets worse or you feel differently, we're here like 24/7 Cloudy

Why are little kids either so boring or really fun

Ngl that's ticked me off a little, but you do you.

okay, sorry about that, would you like to explain why it ticked you off for future reference?

You actively choose not to sleep, I'm assuming for paranoia reasons—correct me if I'm wrong.
I would give anything to be able to sleep, but the paranoia and chemical imbalance forces me to stay awake and it's killing me.
Whenever I hear about someone choosing not to sleep, it just makes me annoyed because people like me aren't given the choice

i choose not to sleep because of paranoia and ptsd. i'm sorry it ticked you off for that wasn't my intention

:)
hhiiiii rubbbbyyyy

Ngl that's ticked me off a little, but you do you.

okay, sorry about that, would you like to explain why it ticked you off for future reference?

You actively choose not to sleep, I'm assuming for paranoia reasons—correct me if I'm wrong.
I would give anything to be able to sleep, but the paranoia and chemical imbalance forces me to stay awake and it's killing me.
Whenever I hear about someone choosing not to sleep, it just makes me annoyed because people like me aren't given the choice

i choose not to sleep because of paranoia and ptsd. i'm sorry it ticked you off for that wasn't my intention

:)
hhiiiii rubbbbyyyy

hey bby!!!