forum The LGBTQ+ Community Chat :)
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@primaldesire

Apparently I have the flu and can't go to school for the next week. Also I can't speak out loud because it's too painful so I'm having Google translate be my voice

That has to suck. I mean, you can type or write things down to like "whisper" to your friends but that about it. My teachers would just have me say the least amount of things as physically possible so I don't have a coughing fit and get the rest of the students sick.

@primaldesire

I hope you feel better soon! I wish I could send you chicken noodle soup through the screen but technology is not that advanced.

@RedTheLoveless

(Another excerpt from my story!)
"Was zur Hölle machst du!?" Klaus slammed the door open and two heads faced him. Alex let out a squeak and the man suddenly glowered at him.

"You need to mind your own damn business!" Klaus growled.

"Es wurde zu meinem Geschäft, als Sie beschlossen haben, ihn in Gefahr zu bringen." Klaus lunged at the evil man. They rolled around on the ground before Klaus managed to pin him down. The man formed a ball of electricity in his hand. He was an elemental. The elemental turned Klaus over so that he was standing above him. Klaus used one hand to push the hand where the orb was away from his face and the other to try and push the man off him. The elemental was stronger than he looked. Klaus struck an idea. He tucked his legs than pushed against the man's stomach. It knocked him right off and left him staggering for breath for a few moments. Klaus was heaving with anger. How dare this man try to hurt what's his! The thought astonished Klaus. He shook it off quickly though and decide to take care of it later. He stomped towards the man and grabbed by his shirt collar. "Don't you ever set foot near him again, do you understand?" The man nodded his head quickly. Klaus let him go and the man rushed out of the room.

Klaus looked at the mostly still form lying on the bed. Alex had passed out. Klaus sighed. He just wanted to go back to the hotel and sleep. Klaus looked at Alex. How was he supposed to carry him? I mean, surely he was light, but it was so crowded downstairs. Klaus decided to just wing it and picked Alex up bridal-style. Alex quickly shuffled himself closer to Klaus and curled into a little ball. Alex looked, dare Klaus say it, kind of adorable in a weird oh-yeah-he-could-totally-kill-me-right-now-if-he-woke-up kind of way.

This is great! But…
Do you accept cronstructive criticism?

@SmolDerpBean

(Another excerpt from my story!)
"Was zur Hölle machst du!?" Klaus slammed the door open and two heads faced him. Alex let out a squeak and the man suddenly glowered at him.

"You need to mind your own damn business!" Klaus growled.

"Es wurde zu meinem Geschäft, als Sie beschlossen haben, ihn in Gefahr zu bringen." Klaus lunged at the evil man. They rolled around on the ground before Klaus managed to pin him down. The man formed a ball of electricity in his hand. He was an elemental. The elemental turned Klaus over so that he was standing above him. Klaus used one hand to push the hand where the orb was away from his face and the other to try and push the man off him. The elemental was stronger than he looked. Klaus struck an idea. He tucked his legs than pushed against the man's stomach. It knocked him right off and left him staggering for breath for a few moments. Klaus was heaving with anger. How dare this man try to hurt what's his! The thought astonished Klaus. He shook it off quickly though and decide to take care of it later. He stomped towards the man and grabbed by his shirt collar. "Don't you ever set foot near him again, do you understand?" The man nodded his head quickly. Klaus let him go and the man rushed out of the room.

Klaus looked at the mostly still form lying on the bed. Alex had passed out. Klaus sighed. He just wanted to go back to the hotel and sleep. Klaus looked at Alex. How was he supposed to carry him? I mean, surely he was light, but it was so crowded downstairs. Klaus decided to just wing it and picked Alex up bridal-style. Alex quickly shuffled himself closer to Klaus and curled into a little ball. Alex looked, dare Klaus say it, kind of adorable in a weird oh-yeah-he-could-totally-kill-me-right-now-if-he-woke-up kind of way.

This is great! But…
Do you accept cronstructive criticism?

damn that's really good!

@primaldesire

(Another excerpt from my story!)
"Was zur Hölle machst du!?" Klaus slammed the door open and two heads faced him. Alex let out a squeak and the man suddenly glowered at him.

"You need to mind your own damn business!" Klaus growled.

"Es wurde zu meinem Geschäft, als Sie beschlossen haben, ihn in Gefahr zu bringen." Klaus lunged at the evil man. They rolled around on the ground before Klaus managed to pin him down. The man formed a ball of electricity in his hand. He was an elemental. The elemental turned Klaus over so that he was standing above him. Klaus used one hand to push the hand where the orb was away from his face and the other to try and push the man off him. The elemental was stronger than he looked. Klaus struck an idea. He tucked his legs than pushed against the man's stomach. It knocked him right off and left him staggering for breath for a few moments. Klaus was heaving with anger. How dare this man try to hurt what's his! The thought astonished Klaus. He shook it off quickly though and decide to take care of it later. He stomped towards the man and grabbed by his shirt collar. "Don't you ever set foot near him again, do you understand?" The man nodded his head quickly. Klaus let him go and the man rushed out of the room.

Klaus looked at the mostly still form lying on the bed. Alex had passed out. Klaus sighed. He just wanted to go back to the hotel and sleep. Klaus looked at Alex. How was he supposed to carry him? I mean, surely he was light, but it was so crowded downstairs. Klaus decided to just wing it and picked Alex up bridal-style. Alex quickly shuffled himself closer to Klaus and curled into a little ball. Alex looked, dare Klaus say it, kind of adorable in a weird oh-yeah-he-could-totally-kill-me-right-now-if-he-woke-up kind of way.

This is great! But…
Do you accept cronstructive criticism?

sure! I could use some different perspective on how to improve.

@RedTheLoveless

Great! I love the plot and just whole idea of your scene in general. The only problem is I can't see it.
Let me explain.

What I notice in your writing is that you tell more than show. For example, during the wolf boi and evil elemental tussel, you write "The elemental was stronger than he looked. Klaus struck an idea."
This leaves more imagery to be desired. The reader cannot visualize what is happening other than a vague pushy fight scene rather than what specifically is going on. Readers want to be drawn in and held in. Sentences like that are going to kick them out of their reading headspace almost immediately as they lose "sight" of the scene. It's basically the equivalent of watching a fighting match and then suddenly the screen becomes blurry and vague.
Basically, sharpen those vague sentences into something more precise and compelling.

@primaldesire

I see what you are saying. That's what I like about having someone look at my work because it helps me see things like that. Thank you!

@thehobbit

hey guys! my friend and I have decided to go to San Diego pride together next year since she's gonna to school at UCSD and she'll be far enough away from her parents to feel comfortable going! Im already excited and it's more than a year away lol!
also because we talked about that im now considering going to LA pride with some of my friends from school, since that's closer to me and why not!

@RedTheLoveless

I see what you are saying. That's what I like about having someone look at my work because it helps me see things like that. Thank you!

Yay! Thank you for listening! I love what you're writing and I wish you the best as you keep going!

@RedTheLoveless

hey guys! my friend and I have decided to go to San Diego pride together next year since she's gonna to school at UCSD and she'll be far enough away from her parents to feel comfortable going! Im already excited and it's more than a year away lol!
also because we talked about that im now considering going to LA pride with some of my friends from school, since that's closer to me and why not!

That's awesome, hobbit!!!

@HighPockets group

THAT SOUNDS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!
The biggest nearby city has a Pride in August?? Idk why but I'm neither out nor comfortable going since it's a B I G event and I have B I G anxiety. And it's on Capital Square so kinda cramped and not in the best area….

@thehobbit

yeah, going to Pride this year is still definitely a vague plan, I haven't even asked any of my friends about wanting to go or anything. Ive been on break and havent had the chance to ask them so, for all I know Pride this year might not happen, but that's okay. Im definitely going next year. I just want to believe that i'll be out to my whole family by June and might actually be able to go without having to lie or out myself by going.

@Shuri-the-Floof-Doggo

Well whatever the case may be, and whatever lies ahead of you, I wish you the best. I just know you'll have some fun at Pride! And you definitely deserve a day or two with your friends to just hang out, and chill, and have fun being yourselves!

Deleted user

Guys, I can't sleep. It's past midnight here and I have school tomorrow