forum I'll Critique your characters!
Started by @Celestial-B
tune

people_alt 73 followers

@Celestial-B

@Mila
Sure!

First, Dahlia.
I think you should give her an exact weight! The average weight for someone her height is 150-185 lbs! So if she is skinny, I'd recommend putting about 155-160 lbs, and if she has muscles she should be up higher a bit! What color of black is her hair? Jet black? Charcoal? Ashy? And how long is her hair exactly? To her shoulders? Middle back? Lower back? Lower? Higher? What do the tattoos on her arm look like and how long has she had them for? Her mannerisms she has are fine, but I think you should give her some that are like 'plays with hair when nervous' and things like that! Why does she automatically dislike those kinds of people? Is that what shes been taught? has one of those people done something to her or someone she knows? What does she like to draw? Does she paint too? On her personality trait, elaborate more! We know about her flaws, but what about her little quirks? The things she likes? The good things about her? Thats what her personality trait is for! To put all of her together in one thing. Her politics are kind of confusing. What do you mean by honesty? What is 'the arena' you keep mentioning and why were they so happy to go to it? Why did Ash leave and where did he go? Aren't the two of them friends?

Sorry for the late reply, i'll do ash in a sec

Mila

Thanks, I'll add all that in! And don't worry for the late reply, take your time. I wrote down her politics a long time go when I understood it as ideas/rules she stands by.

@Celestial-B

@Mila
Alright, i'm back with Ash! Sorry it took me long again, I got busy

Ok, so the average weight for someone his height is 175-215 lbs! And like I said with his twin, if hes got muscles and isn't all skin and bones, he'll be up in the higher parts of it! What color of black is his hair? Smokey black? Charcoal? Sapphire black? Be more exact! How long is 'longish?' Like, shoulder length? Shorter? Like Dahlia, where did he get his tattoos and how long has he had them? What do they look like? It doesn't seem like someone who is a liar, cold, and mean, would have a motivation of justice. His other motivations are fine though. I like his backstory! I think it is more in depth than his sisters!

Good luck with the story and characters, hope I helped!

@Celestial-B

@Ashez-is-my-pen-name
Sure!

His weight is 52 what? lbs? Kg? How long is their hair actually? To their shoulders? Their middle back? Higher or shorter? And is it messy? Straight? Does it have split ends? Is it cut unevenly? Be specific! Ehhh, their mannerisms isn't exactly mannerisms, more like a personality trait. A mannerism is 'a habitual gesture or way of speaking or behaving.' So for example, 'playing with hair when nervous,' or 'mumbling when angry,' would be two! I recommend giving them at least 4-5 mannerisms! They have very few flaws, give them more! They seem two dimensional. All they are is shy and quiet, thats kind of a boring character if you ask me. Give them some different quirks and flaws! Maybe they are absent-minded. Maybe they are impatient. Maybe they are naive. Here is a list of character flaws that I like to use when creating characters! https://writerswrite.co.za/123-ideas-for-character-flaws/ I recommend giving them at least 5-6 flaws! Is her only talents and hobbies writing? Most people have more than one talent or hobby that doesn't fall into the same category as another. Does she like to cook? Maybe she loves to collect butterflies idk lol. But she falls into the cliche category of 'shy girl.' Give her something that makes her spark! Maybe shes patient. Is she friendly? Curious? Hard working? Give her some good traits too!! You don't have anything for her religion, so if she doesn't have one i'd put atheist. And i'd recommend putting something on her politics, most teenagers have some opinion on politics. Wow alright, her background is small and tells me almost nothing. Tell me about her parents, their relationship with her, what she thought about them, what they taught her. Tell me about her friends, what they did together, who they were. Did she have any siblings? Any pets? What was her home like? Who bullied her and where? Did she ever try to stick up for herself?

Good luck with your character! I feel like she is a bit underdeveloped, but if you work on her a bit, she'll be a great character! Hope I helped :D

Blue Duck

Hola! We were wondering if you could give us some feedback.
Keep in mind that Prabjhot, Jack, and James are unfinished. Our story is a heist, and the plot is still underway.

Thanks!
-The blue duck team

Mila

@Mila
Alright, i'm back with Ash! Sorry it took me long again, I got busy

Ok, so the average weight for someone his height is 175-215 lbs! And like I said with his twin, if hes got muscles and isn't all skin and bones, he'll be up in the higher parts of it! What color of black is his hair? Smokey black? Charcoal? Sapphire black? Be more exact! How long is 'longish?' Like, shoulder length? Shorter? Like Dahlia, where did he get his tattoos and how long has he had them? What do they look like? It doesn't seem like someone who is a liar, cold, and mean, would have a motivation of justice. His other motivations are fine though. I like his backstory! I think it is more in depth than his sisters!

Good luck with the story and characters, hope I helped!

Thank you so much! I'll edit them asap, this was very helpful

@sgadanwrites

Please give me feedback! Of course, I have tons more but they're not quite ready to say hi yet! A big go raibh maith agat and tapadh leat to you guys! If you want to see the significance of their names, go here: https://www.notebook.ai/forum/characters-board/does-anyone-else-use-descriptive-names-that-describe-your-character-s-personality

Calum has a Dundee accent, Iain a very musical Highland/Island, Ciarán Belfast, and as for Cathal, think of it as a mix of Dublin and Mayo.

I will be updating weapons, but here's the list:
Calum: AUG A3 M1/Lochaber Axe
Glock 9mm

Iain:
4 throwing knives (distractions only)
Knife
Sgian dubh
Swiss Army Knife
Gae Bolg (more on that later)

Ciarán:
AK-47
Hand grenade
Shillelagh
Hurley (more on that)

Cathal:
War sycthe/SP5K
Beretta M9A1

@Celestial-B

@kat
Of course!

What shade of blonde and brown is her hair? When its blonde, is it Strawberry blonde? Platinum? Vanilla? When its brown, is it Chocolate? Balayage? Mauve? Where did she get that scar on her leg and how long has she had it for? I think you should give her a few more mannerisms! What does she do when shes happy? When shes scared? Maybe a phrase she repeats a lot? for example, on of my characters says "fight me" a lot lol. What happened to her foster mother that made her want vengeance for her? She seems to be based all around fighting and super heroes and stuff, which isn't that great of a thing. I can't tell much about her because you never told me almost anything about her personality! What else does she do besides use her powers and junk? Everybody has some type of hobby that is for them and them only if that makes sense. Maybe she likes to cook. Maybe she likes to play the guitar. Maybe she loves to make origami! The possibilities are endless. And what about her personality trait!?! How am I supposed to know what the good part of her is like? What she feels? Everything? Tell me her little quirks and her good traits, that is what you would put there! I think you should add more into her background. Don't just skip 15 years, tell me what happened during that time! Tell me about the friends she made, what she did think of her foster mom? Did she ever want to know who her real parents were and get to know them? What does she think about her powers?

Good luck with her! Hope I helped!

@Celestial-B

@lilyebee
Sure!

How long is her hair when its in a pony tail? To her shoulders? To her elbows? Lower back? I think you should give her a few more mannerisms! What does she do when shes scared? Nervous? When shes bored? Excited? She has very little flaws! Basically one, her being too ambitious. Her collapsing sometimes would be more of like a mannerisms I guess. She needs more; no one has only one to two flaws! Is she judgmental? Dishonest? Cold? Humorless? There are so many flaws she can have that will build her character up so much! I suggest giving her at least 5-6 flaws!

Kat

@Celestial-B

Thanks for your feedback! You've given me a lot to think about. Would you mind re-critiquing her when I've made those changes? Again, thanks!

tori

@Celestial-B

@TheMusicalVampire

You said he is slightly overweight, but his weight is actual average! If he is overweight it would be up higher in the 150s or 160s. His personality kind of seems the basic stereotypical depressed teenager, which I guess is fine because there are people that are like that, but there are also thousands of characters that are like him too. He needs something that will make him stand out as a character, something different I guess. You don't want people to look at him and go 'oh hes just another one of those depressed characters' (no offence to any of those other characters or depressed and suicidal people, I am u too) and never think a second thought about him, you want people to think 'oh yeah hes depressed and junk, but hes still precious and awesome and I love him.' Give him something that makes him stand out and something positive about him. I have a character that is a lot like him, but there are hundreds of things that also make her different from him. Find those things in your character that make him stand out from the crowd and yet blend in if he really wanted too, that makes people want to know more about him. So about his background, he is young, very young, and I don't think all of that which happened would happen within a period of a year. For him to suddenly become asexual (especially at the age of 12/13 (not saying it can't happen, but that is really a young age)), then suddenly try and kill himself?? I mean, I get him because I have been depressed since I was 10 too, and i'm only in 8th grade. And I'll tell you what, its taken me a long time to finally figure out why i'm like I am, and (sadly) i've been contemplating some of that harming stuff for quite a while, so for him to suddenly just start self harming seems unrealistic to me. And i'm a bit confused, so he liked the girl that was teasing him and making him sad? Or was it a different girl? I also noticed you used a lot of 'eventually's in his background, it made it kind of tedious to read (its okay, I use wayyyy too many 'also's). It just kind of seems like all this happened at a way too young of an age. Also, for his dog to 16 years old, no wonder they had to put him down, he must have been in a lot of pain.

Anyways, I like him :D. Good luck with him and the story! Hope I helped some!

@3abbie3 Premium Supporter

Thanks in advance!!!