forum I'll Critique your characters!
Started by @Celestial-B
tune

people_alt 73 followers

@Celestial-B

Sure!

So you say that the fact that he constantly uses magic is 'eating away at him?' Does that mean the magic in your story is dangerous if too much is used? He can easily pick locks? Where did he learn that skill and why did he have to learn it? That seems like an interesting story lol. Or does he just have this 'thing' for doing it and he doesn't know why? No exact birthday? Does his world not have exact dates or is it just unknown? You said he was very sickly as a child, was it a deadly sickness? Something that lasts a lifetime? Was it rare? You mentioned the temple a couple of times and by the way you speak of it i'm guessing it isn't the best place? Why does he want his brother out of it? Why is it such a bad place?

Hope I helped, good luck! :D Your character was actually pretty well thought out!

@FantaPop

@Celestial-B, thanks! Magic's got a sort of weird history in the 'verse, where it's not really suited for anyone other than where it came from (Elven), and therefore has pretty adverse effects on people. (Humans still use it though, 'cause we're, uh, not that smart.) And midsummer's an actual day! We just usually call it the summer solstice lol. Along with that, you've given me a lot to think about, so thank you again! ^^

Gisela

@FantaPop Do you think you could check out my character? I'm new to writing and I would be happy to receive any critiques I can get. I posted her link above in the chat.

@Celestial-B

@AJ I think i've critiqued your character before!! ^-^

@Gisela I'll giver her a go!

One thing I noticed is that she is a bit underweight by like, 10 lbs. The average weight for someone her age and height should be somewhere between 115-140 lbs! Unless she is supposed to be underweight, then ignore that! One thing I tell almost everyone is to explain and go into much detail! For example, don't tell me her hair is 'blonde' tell me its chestnut or cream. Don't tell me her eyes are blue/grey, tell me they are steel, or iceburg. I think you can elaborate a little more in her mannerisms. How does she speak to people? Does she stutter, or is she clear spoken? How does she eat her food? Does she use the proper silverware or does she use her hands? When she is bored what does she do? Does she play with her golden locks? Does she fiddle with her clothes or her hands? Her motivation is good! I like that! Hmm, I think you can give her a few more flaws. Is she stubborn? Hardheaded? She knits when stressed? That is interesting and something different. I see a lot of people that do this so don't feel bad, but instead of putting the Meyers Briggs thing, actually explain her personality in depth! Her background is okay, but you leave a lot of things out! Like what about her parents? Did she have any siblings? Any friends? Did she have to go to Earth or did she choose to? Was there any major events in her childhood that made her think the way she does? Why does she things she is the best at everything? Is that just way shes been told?

Anyways, nice character and If you fix a few things I think she'll be good! Good luck! <3

@Celestial-B

Alright @Meadowofsilence

sorry this is probably really long lol.
First, Hunter! Why does he have the nicknames he has? Who gave them to him? Why does he call himself strawberry (I think that is cute and funny btw lol)? I think you can give him a few more flaws, and the one he has could be a flaw and a quirk! Is he stubborn? Is he impatient? Is he timid or a troublemaker? So many different types of flaws! I see his prejudices are a work in progress so i'll skip those… You mentioned people named Hicia and James, who are they to Him? Are they his friends? Siblings? And the same things with Ember. Woah ok, his backstory is really confusing. What happened when he was a child, you skipped like all that! His relationships with his parents you didn't mention or if he had any siblings. You say "He was bullied and Ember defended him once. He forgot about it later until they both remembered." ??? Sorry this is a bit confusing. So he was bullied? By who? Did he ever know Ember before then? Why did she stand up for him? When did he remember this? When did she remember this? 'He was in disbelief when he was told he was going to be a hero. He accepted anyway because he didn't want his eyes to be clawed out by Hicia.' I have so many questions about this one. When was he told he was going to be a hero? A hero in what way? Why would Hicia be angry at him if he didn't accept? Who told him he was going to be a hero? Was this a rare and unexpected thing? 'He caught on with the fact the Ember was Ocelot pretty quickly and swore he'd protect her no matter what.' Ocelot? Is that another hero? How did he find out? Did Ember know he knew? Did she know what he was? 'During a battle with Shadowed Revenge he saw a birthmark that James told him he had when they were. He was shocked. He tried to reason with James in civilian form about how distant he was being. ' Who is the Shadowed Revenge? That first sentence doesn't make sense. James told him when they were what? What about the birthmark that made him so shocked? Then you say James was being distant. Why was he being distant and was he closer before? You say his theory was true after he defeated the Shadowed Revenge. What theory?

Now, Birane!
You say his classic hair is brown and his Keeper is black? What is a keeper? And the same thing with his eyes too! I think you can give him more mannerisms! What does he do when hes bored? Play with his clothes? What about when he is angry? Does he fold his arms or move them around wildly? How does he talk to others? Is he loud and crazy? You mention Hicia again with him. Who is she to him? Friend? Lover? The same thing with Hunter, add more flaws! Flaws are important in a character, they are like one of the main things that make them seem human! You have no prejudices, talents or hobbies, so i'm just going to assume you are working on them! But if you're not, you should really add them because everyone, and I mean EVERYONE has those, even if they don't realize it! I think you should add a little more to his personality type! Is her alert? Creative? Discreet? Explain! You also said his religion is unknown and so is his politics, well villains are very biased on those types of things so I think you should really add them! You say he can't eat, can her honestly not eat? Like is it physically impossible for him or will it just hurt him if he does? You say he doesn't know much of his past life, what happened to make him this way? His background Is also a bit confusing. Who is Sycore? Why did he kill him and Hicia? Has he been reborn or did he just kinda 'wake up' after he had been killed or his he still dead? Again, what is a keeper? And you mention owners? So does that mean keepers are objects or are they kinda like slaves and have owners in that sense? Who is Audra and what did she have to clear her name of? There are some other things too.

Last, Hicia!

Ok, how can she be the villain and the hero? Is she the villian to others and the hero to some? Does she believe she is a hero when in fact she is a villain (like Hitler did)? I have some of the same questions as I did with Birane. What is a keeper and all that? He hair is down and curly, but how long? To her elbows? Shoulders? Lower back? Ohh, so she is a Coyote in a sense? I'm sure you can add a few more mannerisms to her! You say she is a traitor, I don't think a traitor would be considered a hero and yet in her roles you mentioned that she was! Ahh, The same thing with prejudices, hobbies, and talents! EVEYONE has one! Everyone! And like I said, you might just not recognize it but everyone does have one. Whether it be having a great sense of smell as a talent, to running a far distance in a short amount of time. And I also think you can add more in her personality type! Another 'can't eat.' Like I said, can she physically not eat or will it hurt her if she does? Then how does she live if she can't eat? Does her body not need food to live? And I have some of the same questions on her background as I did with Birane!

Good luck and hope I helped! :D
Again, sorry. its pretty long!

@Celestial-B

@Paperok Sure!
One thing I noticed though, she is a bit underweight! She should be somewhere between 130-155 lbs, even if she is slender! I see you skipped Identifying marks. Identifying marks are thinks like freckles, scars, bruises, or even things like glasses! If she doesn't have any of those, then I'd recommend just putting 'None' instead! Hmm, Her mannerisms are a little bare. A mannerism is 'A habitual gesture or way of speaking or behaving.' So for example, 'Plays with hair when nervous' would be one! Or 'often speaks quiet when around others' would be another! Add more! That is a nice motivation, that tends to be something a lot of characters strive for, a 'happy ending.' So there is nothing wrong with that! Now, her flaws are pretty bare. Is she stubborn? Does she have a short temper? Is she really emotional? How about childish? There are so many flaws for a character to have! Here is a list of a bunch of different ones, just to give you an idea! –https://writerswrite.co.za/123-ideas-for-character-flaws/
You also skipped prejudices, hobbies, talents, and her personality traits, which is a hugeeee red flag! Prejudices are 'a preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience.' EVERYONE has one whether you realize it or not! It could be something small like 'all spiders are dangerous,' or something like 'everyone who is popular are jerks!' Anything! Those things are what make characters more human. Everyone also has a talent or a hobby! Add them! And don't forget the personality type! You say she telekinetic powers? How did she get them? Was she born with them or were they given to her? Are powers rare? Oh her background is kind of bare. How was her relationship with her parents? When did she meet Jackson? Did she live in a good neighborhood or town? Did she have any friends? Did she purposely crush her parents or was it an accident? Was she sad afterwards? Guilty? Where did the two of them go after they did that to their parents?

Anyways, good luck and hope I helped!

@Celestial-B

Ahhh @writelikeyourerunningoutoftime Sorry! I missed it lol xD Of course I'll do yours!

First, He is a but underweight, but not by much! You did say he was skinny and bony so if that is the way he is supposed to be, then just ignore this! Good mannerisms! You say something about 'The Traders Cause?' What is that? You also said he wants to get above ground someday. So he is living underground? Is it just him or are more people living under there with him? Whoa, so there are people that live above ground and underground? And there are things called 'Chasers' and 'Scavengers?' What do they do? You also mention dragons? Awesome! But what happened with the dragons that made things the way they are? On his birthday, it says n/a? So is his birthday unknown or?? Because everyone has a birthday lol. In his background you say 'He believes their mentality' and I find this a bit confusing. What do you mean by that? Wait, you said he is a byproduct of northern mentality, so his parents technically aren't his parents, their more of his caretakers.

Anyways, nice character! Good luck and hope I helped!

@Celestial-B

Ok @Sandra Renee Melton !

Alright, so He doesn't have any nicknames? Not one? Like no one even calls him short versions of his name? And you say his is 21 but immortal so probably 800 more years? So does he look 21 but is actually 800+ years? Ahh, so he is a prince eh? Interesting! You say his eye color is green, tell me its Emerald, or its Jade, or Forest green! Be as descriptive as possible!! Oh, and you say he has a beard, how long is it? Is it short and stubby? Long and curly? And someone styles his hair? So, is it long? How long? Is it short and messy? I think you can give him a bit more flaws! Is he stubborn? Hardheaded? Does he act immature? You say he has no prejudices, but that has to be a lie. EVEYONEEEEE has a prejudice! It doesn't have to be huge and important! It could be something like 'all chocolate donuts are poisonous' (idk don't even ask its just an example lol)! Whoa okay, I found a problem here. He is literally a prince and has no political opinions??!! That can't be right! He's got to have an opinion on something! Like certain rights for citizens, certain equality measures! Feminist believes or something liberal or even conservative! spits out water all over table (sorry that was a little over dramatic xD) HIS BACKGROUND IS LITERALLY BLANK!! Ok, I know he was a prince!! But what else?! How was his relationship with his parents? Did he have any pets? Did he have any friends? How does he feel about being a prince and the successor to the thrown? Does he have any siblings? Any major childhood events that made him the way he is? So much to put in a background its amazing!

Anyways, good luck with your character and story! Hope I helped!

@WriteOutofTime

Thank you so much!!! To clear up confusion: byproduct of northern mentality means his entire personality hinges on his belief system. he is a byproduct of his environment, so to speak. his parents are his real parents, but birthdays are irrelevant in the culture wherein everyone lives underground. thanks again :)