Arria crossed his arms for a moment before rubbing at his face with one hand, closing his eyes. He wanted to forgive him, he knew he was going to forgive him but he just couldn't forget about everything that had been said, "What happened to your not-boyfriend-who-acts-like-your-boyfriend? Does he know you're out here?" He couldn't help but ask. If Carter was apoligising he knew something must of happened to change his mind and he wanted to know what.
“No,” Carter muttered with a small frown, “I think he thinks I’m still locked up in the base. I… he wanted to kill you,” Carter said softly, shaking his head. Carter made himself swim back a few feet away from Arria. What was he thinking? He didn’t even deserve Arria’s forgiveness, much less his love. “Listen… I’m just… I’m sorry. You don’t ever have to talk to me again, I- I can just go back,” Carter said softly, pressing a hand to his eyes to prevent himself from crying again and to hide his puffy red eyes from the merman. If Arria didn’t want him around, he’d have to face that.
(I'm crying……whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…….. sobs quietly in the corner unable to stop watching)
(quietly joins Wolfheart so good, but ma heart…)
Arria raised an eyebrow, eyebrows creasing slightly with worry when Carter talked about the other human. He was quite for a moment, contemplating his next actions and words carefully before he tackled Carter into a hug, holding him close and not planning on letting go anytime soon, “No. I… I forgive you, Carter. I’m not…” He swallowed, hiding his face in the crook of the humans neck, “We can talk about it later. About everything. But I forgive you.”
As soon as those arms were around him, Carter completely lost what little composure he had left. Carter wrapped his arms tightly around Arria and sobbed, “I- i thought I’d lost you forever, I thought I’d never get to see you again, I- I- I-“ Carter’s words dissolved into more sobs and he held Arria tighter. Carter could live with Arria never loving him again -even thought it’d be unbearable- but he couldn’t live with himself if he never saw the merman again. Athat would be too hard, it’d eat him up on the inside until there was nothing left.
(SOBS)
Arria shushed him, running a hand through Carter's hair a few times to try and calm him down, "It's okay, I'm here, we're okay, shush." He was having trouble keeping the both of them afloat now. The tiredness and exhaustion, physically and mentally, was finally catching up on him and trying to keep two grown men above water, "Carter? Can we go to a cove or something? I can't keep us above water for long."
Carter nodded, not wanting to try to form words. He’d already had too many breakdowns today. Carter kicked his feet to help swim them to shore, but he couldn’t peel himself away from Arria. He kept telling himself just a little bit longer, he’d hold onto Arria for a little bit longer and then he’d let go, but the letting go part of that plan never came. Carter didn’t want to spend another three years alone, even though he knew he had it much better than Arria.
Arria swam them both to the nearest shoreline, a small beach not too far away. He was so tired, so drained. Even though he hadn't been crying like Carter he felt like he wanted to, but he just couldn't. It didn't take too long reach the sand and he stopped a little ways up from the water, the end of his tail just managing to stay in the water and made sure Carter was sitting as close as possible. They needed to talk about everything that had happened, but Arria knew he needed to give Carter a few minutes to calm down.
Carter’s tears didn’t stop for a couple more minutes. He wiped at his eyes again, sniffling and taking a moment to breathe and will his emotions to calm down so they could talk. He cried so much the past three years. Pathetic. “I’m sorry I can’t get it together to act right for once,” Carter muttered quietly, almost to himself as he wiped away his tears and tried his best to clear his head.
Arria let out a soft sigh through his nose, shaking his head so some of his now curly hair fell in front of his face, and over his black eye, "Don't apologise," He said, looking out across the ocean, "Take all the time you need." If just maybe they'd both taken time to think through what they'd said to each other on the boat they wouldn't be in this position. Arria felt his heart ache thinking back to what had happened and he honestly wanted to rub at his chest to see if it would help the pain.
Carter slowly calmed down, wiped off the rest of his tears from his eyes. He was determined to not let this end up like what had happened on the boat. He finally found Arria, and he wasn’t going to lose him a third time. “Okay. I’m- I’m okay now,” Carter said softly, taking a deep breath and emotionally prepping himself for this conversation.
Arria glanced down at his tail, leaning back on his hands before glancing at Carter then back down again, “So… care to explain what happened with what’s-his-face first? Or discuss what happened on the boat?” He asked. Both important, one slightly more important then the other but it was up to Carter where this conversation went. As long as they were okay after, that’s all that matters.
Carter took a deep breath. He didn’t know where to begin this conversation in the slightest. “I-I didn’t mean everything I said on the boat.” Carter wrapped his arms around himself, idly tracing his own ribs with his pointer finger. “Just… when you didn’t-… I don’t know. I love you still. I loved you on the boat. But when you-… I just thought you didn’t love me, and- and I freaked out.” Carter still left some words unspoken, but he figured it might be better if they were left to never see the light of day. He didn’t want to risk what he just recovered by saying them aloud.
“So the whole part where I said I did love you just went over your head then? Okay, good to know,” He sighed, tangling a hand in his hair. He didn’t know how he was speaking so calmly and wasn’t stuttering. He guessed he was just so numb to everything now, “Is that it? You just thought I didn’t love you anymore?” Arria looked to Carter, raising a brow.
Carter shied away, not knowing how to speak everything that was swirling in his mind. “Just that- just-“ Carter bit his lip furiously as he tried to speak clearly and strongly, but his words still came out weak as he spoke, “By the time you said you loved me, I thought you were doing it to spite me. I don’t know. I just kept hearing-“ Carter shook his head at himself, pushing those thoughts aside. It felt like he was trying to get through a maze to say the right words yet to still be completely truthful and yet also to not to say something stupid like he had on the boat. “I-I know what I did was horrible, unforgivable,” Carter said softly, closing his eyes. He was too ashamed to look Arria in the eyes. “I don’t know what I expected our reunion to be like, maybe- maybe I just expect everything to be okay, and when it wasn’t I was scared that something broke between us and I’d never be able to get it back.” And maybe that’s the case, and I’ll just have to live with it.
Arria was silent, processing everything that Carter had said. He understood, he hated what had been said but he understood why it had been said. He could tell there was some parts of the story being left out and he’d ask about soon. He gently placed his thumb and forefinger under Carter’s chin, making him look at him, “Carter… I’d never say something just to spite you. I’m not that low. I might’ve changed over the past three years but I would never do something like that, not when I love you so much still,” He said gently.
Carter opened his eyes as Arria took his chin and nodded slightly, swallowing his pain. No more crying, he tried to tell himself at least. He’d become such an easy crier in the past three years, he didn’t know why but it felt like every wrong move he made had tears brimming his eyes. “I- I realize that now,” He said softly, managing a tiny smile. “I just didn’t have time to think about it in the moment, to think how stupid I have been,” Carter spit out the word stupid like it tasted bad on his tongue. He bit down on his lip fiercely and closed his eyes again, taking a deep breath before opening his eyelids once again.
"Carter you…" Arria sighed, trying to piece together what he wanted to say when his head was starting to pound mercilessly, "What you said was stupid, yes, but you're not stupid, I know that much. And… and as long as we try and fix what happened then that's all that matters, yeah?" He hated the fact that he'd gotten into that fight now. His head was pounding and he was trying to have a serious conversation with the man he loved, trying to fix their relationship.
“Yeah,” Carter replied softly, nodding to affirm it. “You’re right.” Carter let out a sigh, staring up at the blue sky above them. Why was it so hard to talk? When had it become so hard to talk for him? Maybe since that day when Arria was kidnapped. Maybe that was why he turned to Jackson for physical comfort, like snuggles and hugs, because he could never talk about it.
Arria took his hand down from Carter's face, slightly reluctantly but he needed it to keep himself balanced, "I'm sorry. About everything I said on the boat, too. We were both in the wrong and I should apologise, too," He bit the inside of his cheek, scrunching his face up for a moment, "I just… it's been three years… and we've both changed and… I can't loose you, Carter. I just can't, not again, not for a third time…"
Carter looked from the sky to Arria, then dared to scoot a little closer to the merman. “I forgive you. I can’t lose you either, Arria,” Carter told him softly, “I don’t know if I could really live with myself if we hadn’t decided to have this conversation now, if you had just swam away when he saw me.” Maybe Carter would’ve just swam too deep so the sea could take him out of all his misery.
He cracked a small smile for a moment, looking down at his lap before it faded a few moments later, "I've waited far too fucking long to see you again and I'll be damned if it all goes to hell now." He mumbled, taking a few deep breaths, to steady his head, "What now, then? Where do we go from here?" It was honestly starting to scare him slightly, but he pushed those fears away for now.
Carter managed a small smile. “I don’t know… why don’t we go back to town and find Gallion and the others, or get you and me patched up,” Carter said and glanced down at his broken stitches and bleeding arm. He looked back up at Arria again as he asked softly, “But before we do anything… can I hug you again?”