Nyx stared at him still, hoping that Jude couldn't hear or feel his own heart beating too fast to be normal. His heart was only partially cybernetic, and so he still had a heartbeat. He could feel the warmth of Jude's body against his own and God he wanted more. He knew he probably shouldn't but he wanted to feel this. Wanted to know what it was like to hold someone and be held and feel someone's warm body against his, feel their hands, their…their mouth. He was suddenly very, very glad that he lacked the ability to blush. Very glad.
(eeeeeeee I don't knowwwww. I want them to but at the same time…idkkkkk. ooh maybe they do kiss and then kinda just pull away and can't look at each other and they each assume the other thinks it was a mistake and so we get some delicious angstiness?)
(ooh and maybe Jude has like…a crisis of conscience or something bc he's thinking that since Nyx is so sheltered and stuff, that he doesn't really know any better or anything and so "is kissing him or wanting him taking advantage of him" and stuff like that)
(thumbs up angst is in the mail)
Screw it. Jude thought and brought his lips to Nyx's. His mind was in a hazy state, and it felt like it wasn't real, like he was only half-dreaming, and this wouldn't actually affect him. It was selfish, but all dreams are, and Jude sighed deeply, letting himself get lost in it for a moment, eyes shut. No, no, no, this is real. He realized and panicked. Jude squirmed out from underneath Nyx and turned away, touching his lips, frowning. That happened.
"I'm sorry." Jude managed, his thoughts running all over the place. You shouldn't have done that, you shouldn't have done that– he doesn't know– he's not.. Why did you do that? He doesn't know what.–
Nyx's eyes went wide at the kiss, and he kissed back after a moment, his whole body coming to life and- and Jude pulled away and didn't look at him and apologized and…and where had he gone wrong? He sat up quickly, tucking his knees to his chest and looking down at the ground. "It's okay." He replied softly. Of course he doesn't want me, I'm not even a real person. I'm just…I'm too much of a machine. I don't know anything. Why would I ever think anyone like him could want something like me? But he couldn't put aside those few second where their mouths had touched. He could still feel the ghost of Jude's lips on his own.
"I'm sorry," Jude repeated, "I shouldn't have– I crossed a line." He sighed, still looking away shamefully. As much as he wanted to kiss him again, he felt regret. Nyx was so new to the world, and he felt like he'd used that to his advantage. Hell, he probably didn't even know what a kiss meant.
"It…It was my fault. I'm in a weird place right now– but um, usually, when someone does that, it means they–" Jude shrugged, "Have certain feelings for you, and I–" Do, I do have feelings like that. "I just shouldn't have done that."
"I know what it means." Nyx replied, the words coming out as a bit more of a snap than he meant them to. "I'm not stupid, Jude." He hunched his shoulders, looking down at the ground. "Sorry." He said after a moment. He felt like he could hear something else that Jude wasn't saying. Mistake. He was a mistake. You're a mistake. He swallowed. I'm a mistake. He didn't mean anything. He doesn't… He let out a breath. Mistake. That's all I can ever be to him. So stop trying to be something I'm not.
Jude nodded, "Right– yeah, I just…" He muttered, "Wasn't thinking." All his life, Jude had chased after things he couldn't have. Film, his father's love, drugs, and now Nyx. He'd told himself he wanted to help Nyx, but this didn't feel like the progress of any kind, this felt like rejection, from both sides, the piano told him. The music had continued on autoplay and somehow managed to match his thoughts of confusion, spiralling, running the keys to the edge, and then, lightness; the keys pressed lightly and slow: fondness. Regret, darkened sound from the right side, then going back and forth, again and again to uplifting feelings and negativity cutting through it, becoming its own creation sharply weaving through his thoughts. He could feel the knife.
"Right." Nyx replied softly, raking a hand through his hair and swallowing. I'm a mistake. He wasn't thinking. He would never have done something like that with a thing like me if he had been thinking straight. No one would. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes and trying to relax into the music like he had earlier. To feel it again, listen and feel the rhythm. But he couldn't, because his thoughts kept spiraling down and down and down and tugging and ripping at that happy bubble that had formed inside of him, leaving shredded anxiety and fear behind.
Jude nodded. They had to move on from this. They had to get back what they had before; it was good. Sighing, he looked up at the night sky dotted with light. Jude had never been one to really believe in deities, but always found comfort in knowing that there were stories written in the stars literally, that paralleled his life.
"You see that cluster of stars?" Jude pointed, "They're called the seven sisters. In myth, they were transformed into stars because of their “amiable virtues and mutual affection” and because of the great sadness and burden inflicted on their father." He chuckled, sighing, "Figures."
Jude went from his seated position to laying down on the blanket, staring straight up at the constellation. "In another version, they were so beautiful that Orion was constantly chasing them, which made them really uncomfortable. They asked to Zeus for help, and he changed them into doves. As doves, they flew up into the sky and found a hiding place among the stars." Figures. Jude thought.
Nyx tipped his head a little. "So in each story, they are…stars not from their own want, but because of a man?" He replied slowly, glancing at Jude, then up at the stars that the other was pointing out. He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them again. He still couldn't stop the clawing, tearing feeling and thoughts that spiraled through his head. He wasn't good enough, he never would be. He wasn't a real person, he was just an experiment and he could never be anything more and…he took a deep breath.
"I mean– in the first one; their father is so ashamed of them, and he turns them into stars. In the second," Jude took a breath, "They wanted to be free from someone who…loved them, I guess. But they didn't love him back…So they left this world and found their own place in the universe…" Jude bit his lip, thinking of how the same myth could be applied to two different people.
Nyx's eyes flickered. He shrugged a little. "Still." He replied, picking at a loose thread on his shorts for a moment. Never good enough for anything. Just a stupid experiment and I couldn't even do that right. They abandoned me for a year and they probably would never even have come back and… And Jude was his first kiss, he realized. His first real kiss, and the other didn't even want him in that way. He bit his lip slightly.
"You know–" Jude said, still looking at the sky, "I really think you'll find your place in the universe." Jude wasn't sure where his place was, but for now, it was with Nyx, and that had to be enough for him, whether it was romantically, or just platonically– and then Nyx would go. Jude was a silent Orion, who knew he should be hurting Nyx– the sisters, this way, but at that moment where they were together, tangled beneath a spotted sky of black sea– he couldn't help it.
"I don't think I have one." Nyx replied. "I'm just some experiment that got thrown away when they couldn't get me to work right." He rested his chin on his knees, looking down at the ground now. "And if I'm being realistic, I don't have a chance at being normal anyways. Even if I could somehow find a way to fit in, I can't leave this building. They…the company owns me same as they own all the other experiments."
"You know– that's what I thought, for a long while. I thought I was a 'mistake,' because I couldn't do certain things the way my father wanted. That put me down an…unhealthy path, but I find new reasons to live every day." He said, sitting up and facing Nyx. He sat crisscrossed and rolled up his right sleeve, not caring if Nyx saw his track marks. Letters, words, and doodles covered almost every inch of his forearm with some reading; 'Birds, Vodka, Super Mario Odyssey, Macy (the cat), Disney films, poetry, my projects, CIGARETTES, Walt Whitman, and a very faded but drawn over again 'Nyx.'
Jude sighed and knew he was about to say something he'd regret, but he had to try, say anything, to fix this.
"But what if…I own the company?"
Nyx shrugged a little. At Jude's last comment, he gave a humorless laugh. "Then you'd be one of the few people who legally own another person." He replied with another shrug. His blue eyes still studied the pavement, not looking up.
"I'm trying my best," Jude shrugged, "Trying to make things right for you." His exposed arm was cold in the night air, and his breath was beginning to cloud. He checked his watch, seeing that the moving guys were probably already working on the rewiring. "I don't know what to do, just trying." Jude said, trying to meet Nyx's blue gaze.
Nyx sighed softly. And what is the right thing? Am I just a project to you, or do a get to be a person, too? He swallowed. You are being irrational. The cybernetic side of him said, and he raked a hand through his hair. Damn you. He retorted to his own brain, not even sure why he was being like this.
"You deserve so much better than this," Jude motioned to the towering building behind them, "so much better than me," He muttered, "I'm trying to treat you the same as everyone, the thing is, that you're not like anyone I've ever met…I'm sorry If I offended you– with the kiss," Jude said softly, studying Nyx's troubled expression and offering his apologetic one.
Nyx rubbed his face with his hands. "No, I just…" at the apology, he closed his eyes. "That's not…I…" he stood up. "I think I've been out of my pod for too long. It's probably just mental overload or something." he couldn't meet Jude's eyes, instead looking up at the sky again and trying to avoid Jude's gaze.
