forum Turns out Trauma is a Good Thing to Bond Over // OxO with Iris

Started October 19, 2019 by @ElderGod-Icefire

tune

Calixto denied himself food. He didn't feel like coming down and watching Cameron flirt with all of those other people. Why did that matter again?
Maybe it was because of this Roshan guy he was told about. No. No it wasn't, and he knew that. After everything though… He wasn't sure if he could allow himself to love. Love at first sight didn't exist anyways.

Cameron eventually had a break, and came out onto the porch, leaning against the railing and letting out a breath. He began to hum quietly, closing his eyes. He thought again of Calixto, of the male who now knew his greatest kept secret, and had…had accepted that. Hadn't screamed or fought or reported him for being a Berserker.

Honestly? He felt like punching a wall. He had no idea how to handle these emotions. Is that why his heart longed for company after having a taste of it…?
It was then that Calixto heard the other's familiar humming. Cameron's soothing voice was both rewarding and a bit of a tease. Did he climb down and say hello? Should he attempt to sing along? Okay, no, that last one was probably not a good idea. He couldn't sing for his life.

Cameron took a deep breath, and continued to hum, leaning on the railing and looking out at the city. He wasn't sure what to make of Calixto. For one thing, he could tell that the other male had been hurt quite a lot. That…he had been mistreated, because he had been a slave. He hated that that had happened to someone who seemed so gentle and kind.

Why did Cameron treat him this way? Sure, he flirted with other people but was that the figurative mask he wore…? He had seemed concerned for him back in the bedroom. He listened to his story. Cameron seemed to care. Finally, Cal gave up and put his head in his hands with a sigh. Part of him wanted to act as the child inside him and let a few angry tears escape, but the other refused. Trained to appear unfeeling. Cold. Hollow.

Cameron glanced up for a moment, almost as if he sensed Calixto's presence, but he didn't try to come up. He didn't like climbing onto the roof. It always felt strange. He sighed, and then began to sing quietly.

Why's everything gotta be so damn difficult? Cal wondered. It wasn't as if Cameron liked him back in that way. If anything it was the connection between tortured souls that was between them. Souls that have seen war and destruction and could only watch until it was too late. Deciding to break the odd thing going on in his mind, he decided to talk, directing it towards Cameron. "I really don't get you," he said bluntly.

Cameron jumped, a yelp escaping his mouth as he looked up. "Kaifa, don't scare me like that!" He exclaimed to Calixto. He cleared his throat softly. "And as for that…I don't really understand what you mean."

Cal had to restrain from letting a small chuckle escape his lips. He blinked a moment before letting his head fall to the side. With so many people around, he couldn't quite say as many words as he wished.
"You in general. I… I don't understand how your mind works," he attempted. It sounded so dumb when put so vaguely.

Cameron's brows drew together. "I…still don't quite understand." He replied slowly. He ran a hand through his hair, leaning back on the railing and looking up at Calixto. He debated whether or not to go up to the roof, to make conversation a bit easier.

Now was when Cal really wanted to slam his head into a wall. Words in his mind desperately begged to be let out. To scream. To ask those burning questions.
D O N ' T .
"I… it's stupid, forget it," he said, shaking his head dismissively. Calixto tried plastering on a smile, but it felt foreign. It seemed… like a mask. The grin felt forced and barely held up. He stared at Cameron a moment longer before pulling back from the edge.
Stupid.
Cameron might seem as though he cares, but Cal didn't need to trouble him. He was not going to be an anchor weighing him down.

Cameron frowned. He climbed up slowly. "Calixto?" He said softly. "What's up, man?" He sat down near Cal, but not close enough to be too close.

Calixto flinched as he heard footsteps against the ground beneath him. Of course he would come up after him. And now Cameron would see him sitting on the ground, knees to his chest. Vulnerable.
"I… I couldn't say what I wanted with all of those people able to hear," he supplied with a sigh. "I don't understand your kindness. You're what you are and… while I don't hold that against you I don't get why you give a damn about a stranger!" Cal hissed quietly. After a second, a sad chuckle escaped his lips. "This is stupid. Sorry."

(Sick of Losing Soulmates by Dodie fits Cal so much if you need a song to play)
(Actually here's his playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0agI0o9CLEglg6Q6yAOHKj?si=yxh6OdoUQD6TkxTvk5h1eg)

Cameron's eyes flickered slightly. He scooted closer to Calixto. "Can you give me a reason I shouldn't care?" He asked. He looked out at the city. "As for what I am…gods, do you think that being…being what I am somehow makes me heartless? Less than human? I still care. I still feel and think and hurt and love, just like anybody else, Calixto." He ran a hand through his hair. "And I care because…I don't know. I just do."

(Alright!)
(Cool, I'll check it out!)

"No, no, no, that's… that's not what I meant! Humans have never given a damn about me, so why should you? I won't be here but a night longer so… why care…? I don't understand what the hell you'd want with me," he argued, voice getting softer and softer. It felt like the walls around him were coming closer and closer to where he was in a small little box emotionally. Calixto was broken. He expected to be thrown away. His mindset was so horribly bad when given time to think.
Cameron was still here though.

"I don't want anything." Cameron replied slowly. "I'm just trying to…" He trailed off. "I don't know. I'm trying to…I guess atone, in a way. For everyone I've killed." He ran his hands through his dyed hair, shaking his head slightly. "Besides, length of time doesn't matter. My mama tried to teach me that…that no matter how long or short someone is in your life, you should still give them the best. Whether they're your partner for life, or just a stranger passing through. Because kindness will have a larger impact than I might ever know." He shrugged, looking down at his fingers. "And…that's what…maybe this is my way of remembering her."

Cal frowned at his hands. The strange messages Cameron was trying to teach him were confusing. He wanted to treat a Mirro with the same kindness as one of his own? It didn't make sense.
"You don't want anything," Calixto stated, a forced chuckle following. No. Everyone was greedy inside. There was desire. Temptation. A sinful pull perhaps.
"Somehow I don't think that's entirely true. All I've ever been is used. So I don't understand this act you're pulling." Not an accusation. A statement. His walls felt if someone had tossed a hammer at them. Still standing, but each toss made the bricks crumble further and further. Part of him longed to leave and just hide in his room. Part of him knew that wouldn't solve anything. There was still pain that those walls fenced in.

Cameron frowned a little. Blinked at Cal. "I don't." he replied. "I don't want anything. I really don't. I have…a decent life now. The only thing I want is…is someone who loves me, but I'm not asking for you to love me, or even care about me in any sort of romantic fashion. This isn't an act, and I'm not going to use you." his voice was firm, and he unconsciously reached up a hand, brushing a finger along the hidden tattoo on his jaw.

Cal couldn't help the laugh that crawled up from his throat. "You're supposed to though. It hurts because I can't understand anything anymore," he spoke, feeling angry at himself. Taking his left hand, he began to press his nails into his flesh again. It was something else to focus on. He didn't like looking at Cameron. He sat there so innocently. He was working on being whole inside.
Cal only felt shattered. What good was free will if you had no idea what to do with it…? He was still imprisoned inside though. Except Cal had put himself there.