forum @Skylark // Private Roleplay

Started March 15, 2021 by @Fraust

tune

Joey shook his head weakly, wrapping his puffed up wings around himself to hide from Sol. "I-I don't— want—" He choked on his words, interrupting himself with a coughing fit, "—d-don't want to stop it…"

Sol arched his wings around them and carefully stroked Joey’s wings. He sat in silence for a moment before beginning to speak softly.
“I understand, estello,” he said. “I was the same for a while, though for different reasons. I thought I deserved to feel as horrible as I did, deserved to be stuck in this loop. I still feel that way sometimes. I won’t push you, sweetheart, I know how hard it is.”

"I don't want to stop…" Joey repeated, hiccuping and curling up tighter. "If I stop, then I… t-then I lost everything I've worked for…" He whispered weakly. "Please…"

“Joey, I won’t force you to do anything,” Sol murmured, feeling helpless to comfort Joey. “I know you understand what’s happening, even if I don’t know your thoughts. I’m here for you, sweetheart, whatever the path.”

"But I collapsed at work, and that's… bad." Joey sighed softly. "I'm killing myself, aren't I? I-I don't want to die, but I don't… I don't want to stop, either. You know? It's… a really hard position to be in."

“Y-yes, estello,” Sol murmured, heart aching, but unable to lie. “This will eventually kill you. I know it’s hard, I wish I could do more for you.”

"I don't want to eat…" He whispered, a couple of tears rolling down his cheeks. "I don't wanna… I can't… hurts… I-I need to be… healthy, I don't know. It makes me feel good. Better."

“I hear you, Joey,” Sol said softly, brushing away Joey’s tears. “It’s something that helps you feel in control. I know how hard it is, estello, I’m here for you.”

Joey bit down hard on his lip, hiccuping a couple more times. "It makes me— f-feel better— when I…" He paused for a moment, not sure what to say, "…when I look in the mirror, I… feel bad. But this makes me feel better about it. Healthier. Thinner. I-I dunno it's… it's stupid…"

Sol shook his head resolutely. “It isn’t stupid, Joey, your feelings are never stupid,” he said, leaning his head against Joey’s. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re beautiful, but how you feel is far more important. I won’t pretend I understand exactly how you feel, but I know how it is to want to change yourself.”

"My body is wrong…" He whispered weakly, seeming a bit dazed as though in a trance. "I want to make it right, but… no matter what I do, it's always wrong…" He rubbed at his eyes with one fist, sniffling a bit. "How am I supposed to make it right, Sol…?" He asked, his voice quivering and breaking.

“It takes time, estello, and patience and support,” Sol replied, gently hugging Joey. “It helps to talk about it, and to sort of counter condition yourself to see yourself differently. It’s not easy, but it’s possible, I promise you.”

Joey nodded a bit, shaking violently in Sol's arms. His oversized clothes somewhat hid how thin he was, but with Sol's arms around him, it would be painfully obvious. Every rib, every vertebrae of his spine, every bone and muscle was visible. His hip bones stuck out from his sunken stomach, and he just looked so… fragile. It would take so little effort to break him; to knock him over, or to overpower him in any form. "I'm sorry…" He whispered.

Sol didn’t reply out loud, just tucked his wings around them, cocooning them protectively. Holding Joey’s shaking frame, he could feel how light and thin the angel was, and his heart ached for him. He rocked gently, pressing a kiss to Joey’s forehead.

"I feel sick every time I look at myself…" He murmured, his voice muffled from his face being buried. "It's disgusting… my body is disgusting… I'm disgusting. How did I get to be like this…?"

“You are the farthest thing from disgusting, Joey,” Sol said softly. “You are sweet and kind and intelligent,” he emphasized each word with a soft kiss to Joey’s hair. “You are considerate and a light to be around. ‘This’ does not define you.”

Joey hiccuped again and held tighter to Sol, still crying softly. "I-I just want to feel good, for god's sake…" He whispered. "I want to… I want to look in the mirror and like what I see for once. Because right now, I want to throw up every time I have to look at myself."

“I know, sweetheart, I know, I’m sorry,” Sol murmured, still rocking gently. He had felt similarly, centuries ago, but he still remembered clearly how he couldn’t stand to see himself, see how he wasn’t strong enough to fight, to protect. “You can get there, I know you can, Joey, and I’ll be here for you as long as you want me.”

"I don't wanna die… I don't wanna die…" He whispered over and over, trembling with fear and distress. "This is gonna kill me, Sol, b-but I… I can't stop… why can't I just feel good? Why is it so hard?"

“You won’t die if I have anything to say about it, estello,” Sol said firmly, brushing their wings together in a comforting gesture. “I don’t know why it’s so hard, but I know that you can do it, sweetheart. Sometimes the things most worth fighting for are the most difficult, but you can do it, and you can feel good again.”

Joey looked up at Sol meekly, shivering when his wings were touched. "How do you know I can do it? What if I can't? W-What if I fail? I don't even really want to try and get 'better'. I don't know what's good anymore anyway."

“I believe in you, Joey,” Sol said simply. “I have been in your shoes and I will be here to support you, and I’m sure others, like Jackie, would be, too, if you ever shared with them. You don’t have to know right now, you will learn it for yourself.”

Joey hid his face again, not looking particularly convinced. He felt nauseous, but. There was nothing in his stomach that he could throw up anyway. The elixir was starting to kick in and he was growing a bit more drowsy and relaxed. "I just… sometimes I just wanna tear all my skin off or something…"

Sol nodded in understanding, then sat back slowly, leaning away from Joey so he could see the other’s face. “I want to show you something, is it okay with you if I take off my shirt?”

Joey flushed lightly and paused, obviously taken aback. "U-Um… I… y-yeah, that's fine, I guess… what do you want to show me?" He asked softly.