forum writing club. (Open)

Started April 12, 2023 by @IcarusFightsTheSun book

tune

Oh, alright then.
Real strange that people bot on Notebook of all things- like congrats you advertised to all 30 people who use the forums regularly-

My thoughts exactly

…. We get bots here?

…. We get bots here?

Surprisingly, yeah.

this is just one of a few chats that show how many bots we get

notebook might be the most bot-ridden site other than I don't know tumblr

Opinions on in-universe songs, poems, etc. in books?

Hey, I finally came up the lullaby. I'm not a songwriter or anything, I just picked words that rhymed and went with it-

Alright so back on topic, I might make an audio version of it?!?
I'm not gonna actually sing because my voice sounds like rocks in a blender, but I've already got a good idea of how the melody is.
Considering it- finishing up my last week of classes, so I've got some free time between now and when I start my summer job.

Opinions on in-universe songs, poems, etc. in books?

Hey, I finally came up the lullaby. I'm not a songwriter or anything, I just picked words that rhymed and went with it-

Alright so back on topic, I might make an audio version of it?!?
I'm not gonna actually sing because my voice sounds like rocks in a blender, but I've already got a good idea of how the melody is.
Considering it- finishing up my last week of classes, so I've got some free time between now and when I start my summer job.

I would listen to it

Not exactly looking for feedback or anything. I just found a prompt on Pinterest and my brain decided that I'm gonna write a short story for it, so take a somewhat late night short story. I can't make progress on my actual stories, but I can write this on sheer impulse. Featuring my OCs Jay and Makoto! ^^ (1000 words)

Jay opened his eyes to see a concerned face in front of him. As his vision cleared, he noticed the fluffy brown hair on the person before he tried to sit up. He was gently pushed down by the brunette, whose expression showed nothing but concern. He was kind of adorable.

"You're cute when you're worried," he told him, unsure of why he made that comment.
He had no idea who the male in front of him was, but he felt like he could trust him. Trust. It was a strange feeling, yet he felt it towards the brunette, and it increased the more he looked into his worried eyes.

"U-um…thanks…?" The male appeared confused by the sudden compliment. "Look, let's just go home, alright? You really need to rest…"

Jay tilted his head in confusion at the male's words. He felt alright, aside from his lack of memories. If anyone needed to be cared for, it was the brunette. He was clearly exhausted, and he was bruised, almost as if he had gotten into a fight. Were they fighting? Surely not. Who hurt him, then?

"You're in a worse state than I am. Relax," he told him as he stood up. "Stop worrying so much. It's adorable and all, but I don't need you to panic."

"I…um…"

"Not used to things being switched, huh? Get used to it."

"Look…I need to get you home… Just let me do that, please."

Jay just nodded before looking into the other's eyes. They remained filled with worry, although he didn't know why. Clearly the male in front of him had to be someone he could trust. Why else would he be so worried about him? He didn't see any other reason for it.

Without another thought, he took the male's hand and let him lead him to his house. He seemed so sweet, so caring. How could anyone have ever hurt him? All he wanted to do was help him.

"I know you hit your head and all, but are you feeling alright? You're…oddly affectionate, in a way…" The male's voice was laced with confusion and concern.

"Of course I am," he assured him. "I trust you, so I want to calm you down, too."

Trust. The word must have taken the brunette by surprise, as he suddenly stopped in his tracks and turned to look at Jay. His eyes were welling with tears. He seemed touched by those words, at least in some way.

"I don't think you've ever said that… I'm still so worried about you, but maybe you'll be alright."

He had never said that he trusted someone? How could he have never told the male that he trusted him? He just wanted to protect him and let him know that he was going to be alright. He must have been too scared to admit it in the past, but his words were the truth.

"I've been telling you that," he responded as he wiped the other's tears away with his thumbs. "Now calm down."

Makoto. Why did he feel the urge to say that? It had to have been the male's name, and if it wasn't, he was going to call him that anyway. All he remembered was that name and his own. The rest he had only pieced together from context.

"I will be just fine, Makoto," he added.

The male's eyes widened at those words. Makoto must have been his name. He only teared up more, but Jay quickly wiped those away as well and chuckled softly. He was so sensitive and caring, and his presence radiated comfort. He could spend his life with him, and he wouldn't regret a thing.

Before he could do anything, Makoto wrapped his arms around him and held him close. Were they boyfriend before that day's incident? If not, he was definitely going to change that. He would already do anything for him, no questions asked, and he had only just met him.

The next few moments passed in silence as the two stayed close. Makoto's embrace was warm, and the closeness between them was comforting. All he needed was Makoto to be happy. His personality was perfect, his face was round and soft, perfect with his fluffy hair and shining eyes, and he was simply perfect.

After a moment, Makoto finally let him go, and he just looked at him. He seemed speechless, at a complete loss for words. Like anything else about him, it was adorable. How could someone be so precious? No wonder he trusted him immediately. Who wouldn't trust him?

"How do you keep getting more precious?" Jay asked with a soft chuckle. "I love you."

He only chuckled more as a light blush covered Makoto's face. It seemed like he could become more precious. He had no idea how they met in the past, but he couldn't have been happier. Makoto was perfect.

The brunette remained silent, only letting out a small gasp as he looked at the male in front of him. His golden brown eyes shone in the light, and his black hair fell perfectly onto his face. His tone was genuine. It was genuine.

"You're so easy to fluster," Jay teased as he stepped closer. He pulled Makoto close to him and kissed him softly before he chuckled as he saw his red face. “I really love you. Now let’s go home.”

He admired Makoto’s surprised yet happy expression for a moment longer before he took his hand again. Even though he didn’t remember his life, he could start a new one with the most precious person in the world. Whatever his past was didn’t matter. His new life would be perfect.

“Come on. Lead the way,” he told him.

With a quick nod, Makoto walked with Jay. On the way home, Jay couldn’t take his eyes off of him. Starting over wouldn’t be difficult since he had Makoto’s support. With him, his new life would be perfect.

How do you write a lie/plot twist without it being confusing?
Long story short, I've got two dweebs: MC and Friend.
Turns out Friend told MC a "massive" lie when they first met (early second book), and it comes to a head around late third book into early fourth book. Then the rest of the fourth book is dealing with the aftermath between MC and Friend, major falling out, etc.
Essentially, I just really don't know how to hint at the truth without hinting way too much. I'll give specifics if needed, I just didn't want to go into an unprompted tangent-

Well, in general, you should try to subtly hint at the truth in a way that it's not noticeable to MC. If you want it to be a plot twist, it shouldn't be something that your main character thinks too much of. Some readers may get the hint, but others won't. In the end, it all leads to the reveal in the late third book and plot of the fourth book.

The entire lie is about Friend's bloodline. He's from a faction that's sworn enemies with MC's faction.
Pretty much, if he was honest with MC, he would've been murdered, so Friend lied for his own safety. Some of the ways I planned on hinting at Friend's origin is:

• General and inside knowledge about Friend's real faction that he shouldn't have. Friend justifies this by saying he's been spying.

• Friend carries around objects that are associated with his real faction. He justifies this by saying he stole the items.

• Friend treats MC's faction with general apprehension. MC doesn't ask for a justification because he, himself, dislikes his own faction.

Not sure if that's too much or too little? I don't have too much experience with writing twists, and I DEFINITELY don't have experience with stuff like red herrings- thanks for the general advice! :D

Of course! I don't have much experience, either, so I can't go much further than general advice. I like what you've got so far, too! If their faction is seen as an enemy faction, saying that they've been spying and such makes sense without being too suspicious. ^^

I was also planning on giving Friend a quirk they do when they're lying? Like maybe he fidgets with his hands, or he stops making eye contact, or something else. The idea was that since Friend lies the first time he and MC meet, it wouldn't be anything special to the reader, but as time goes on, it becomes more obvious that it's a habit. Not sure if that was too obvious, though.

That may be too obvious depending on when you state it and how often, although it makes the character more realistic.

Yeah, I thought so. The interactions between MC and Friend are a HUGE part of Book Two and like, the first third of Book Three, so those two should be the most realistic.
I figured that it would only become obvious in hindsight, since when you're actively reading it for the first time, it wouldn't seem like much. If it helps any, Friend doesn't lie much outside of saving himself, so not a ton of attention would be drawn to his quirk.
My biggest fear is having the twist come out of complete nowhere to the reader, so I probably am being a little obsessive-

Yeah, I get that! You want the twist to become obvious in hindsight so it seems plausible and realistic, but the difficulty is pulling that off without making it too obvious. It's difficult, but you're doing well at working it out!

I need to know if I made a spelling mistake

I need to know if I made a spelling mistake

I gotchu, what is it

The word I'm writing is pruse, is that right?

The word I'm writing is pruse, is that right?

What context is it in? All I can think of would be "peruse"

The word I'm writing is pruse, is that right?

What context is it in? All I can think of would be "peruse"

purse, pursue? We might need the word in a sentence…

The word I'm writing is pruse, is that right?

What context is it in? All I can think of would be "peruse"

purse, pursue? We might need the word in a sentence…

Yes that's the word I was looking for! Purse!

The word I'm writing is pruse, is that right?

What context is it in? All I can think of would be "peruse"

purse, pursue? We might need the word in a sentence…

Yes that's the word I was looking for! Purse!

Glad I could help! ;D

Opinions on reviving/writing from the POV of (likable) deceased characters?

• Are you glad the character came back? Or just peeved they had to die for whatever reason?

• Do you think there should be some type of punishment for having them revived?
  (Ex. The character doesn't remember who they used to be, They lose their emotions/senses after coming back to life, They become a zombie, etc.)

Guysssss
I finished a story this week! It was just a short fic but it’s the first project I’ve finished in forever!

Opinions on reviving/writing from the POV of (likable) deceased characters?

• Are you glad the character came back? Or just peeved they had to die for whatever reason?

• Do you think there should be some type of punishment for having them revived?
  (Ex. The character doesn't remember who they used to be, They lose their emotions/senses after coming back to life, They become a zombie, etc.)

I think a punishment could be interesting. If there’s a way that feels like it fits your story I’d say definitely consider it but I wouldn’t say it’s like, strictly necessary, you know?

Guysssss
I finished a story this week! It was just a short fic but it’s the first project I’ve finished in forever!

Wish I had the motivation to do anything but worldbuild, but as soon as I try to put pencil to paper my brain just evaporates

Opinions on reviving/writing from the POV of (likable) deceased characters?

• Are you glad the character came back? Or just peeved they had to die for whatever reason?

• Do you think there should be some type of punishment for having them revived?
  (Ex. The character doesn't remember who they used to be, They lose their emotions/senses after coming back to life, They become a zombie, etc.)

I think a punishment could be interesting. If there’s a way that feels like it fits your story I’d say definitely consider it but I wouldn’t say it’s like, strictly necessary, you know?

I'd just find it weird if there's supposed to be an emotional death moment and then, "oh, we found this healing elixir, like, two chapters before we beat the bad guy," and everything's just fine again.
I guess having the revival immediately after or even stopping the death outright makes it more of a gut-pinch than a gut-punch to the emotions.

       It was 9:08 PM. My birthday was soon coming to an end but something still felt off. You’d think since it is my sweet 16 and I was having a party and everyone I knew was coming. It would feel right but nothing felt right anymore; not since they left. Okay at least things look good on the outside, I'm not melting down, and that's largely because I'm emotionally shut down. It was just me and my little brother Cj. Ma and pop were working late again; as always. It isn’t as late as usual though. They’ve been gone for 4 days. Something was up and I’m going to figure out what it is, but first I’m going to celebrate being 16, even if I’m next. 
       Everyone was starting to arrive, the drinks were out, the firepit was ready to be lit and I had a few fireworks from New Years, everything seemed to be going okay, that was until- “BLAZE!!!! YOU NEED TO SEE THIS!!!!!!!” I ran towards my best friend Malachi as I just about dropped dead at the sight. My ma walked in holding all of my dad’s stuff. She ran to me and started rambling. I didn't catch much of it because she was speeding through words, stuttering trying to get them out and crying her damn eyes out. “ Your dad — on their way – cancel.” I couldn’t understand much of anything she was saying so I took her inside and sat her on the sofa, gave her a glass of water and let her calm down for a minute while I went to find Malachi. He’s already out of his mind asking too many questions at once. I just shook him and said,'' Hey! Snap out of it, I need to know; if I needed to, would you try and move the party to your house or at least help get everyone out?” He agreed so I went back to the living room and my mom was gone. As I went to ask Cj if he saw ma and I noticed a black corvette racing away from the house. I knew then what was going on.
       It was almost midnight and there were more people at the house than I thought. I was having a lot of fun but there was still a part of me that wanted to go find ma. I found Cj in his room playing whatever stupid game he was playing to avoid the party. 10 minutes later I was sneaking out of my own party to find out what the hell is going on and I knew exactly where to go. Cj kept bugging me telling me to contact the cops about it but I knew if cops got involved I would get separated with Cj and he doesn’t even know about dad yet so I just said that we’ll wait until we figure out what we’re dealing with. After what felt like an hour we drove into an apartment complex which in my opinion looked very sketchy. Whenever we got out of the car we had to be quiet as I honestly had no clue where they were. After searching for a while we arrived. The lock looked broken into as if someone hammered it, they had red mess on the door and it wasn’t paint. I told Cj to stay outside and I headed in. Ma was in the kitchen, scared for her life. As I walked in the apartment, she was attempting to motion for me to leave, when I walked in I saw an umbrella by the door. I slowly walked in the apartment with the intention of pure silence. I heard a loud racket, like a door slamming or something falling so I quickly ducked behind a couch. When he walked in I finally realized what I had gotten myself into.
       After waiting around what seemed like 20 minutes he walked out and I finally realized after everything mom said she meant pa was the reason mom was in danger. All I could think was, "What was this place?” He went back to the other room he was in and I ran to the kitchen quietly. Mom was bound at her wrists with an old rope and her wrists were red, bruised, and swollen. As we were leaving ma stumbled on a vase and made a loud racket; causing pa to come out and he didn’t look like he was there just to catch up on life. We ran as fast as we could, I admit I fell like twice but when we ducked behind that trash bin we lost him. I knew he was going to head to the house next to try and find us so we needed to get everyone out of there. 
      We went back to the apartments to find Cj on the concrete looking like how I felt. We hopped in the camaro and drove towards the house. When we pulled up and Malachi was in the front waiting. I explained everything about this situation to him. After we got everyone out and was able to hide we heard a knock on the door and as ma when to go answer I stopped her because it was probably pa. We checked the door from a distance, and it was pa so we snuck to the back. We had a tree house from when me and Cj were little and we hid in that because unless you were straight under the ladder with the latch open, you couldn’t tell anyone was up there. We waited for what seemed like hours and when I checked the clock it was 3 AM. It was 2 hours later after we had climbed up here. Cj was starting to fall asleep. 
       I found a old hoodie and wrapped it around a bunch so it was a subsitute for a pillow. It worked because around 20 minutes later he was passed out. That was when I heard sirens. Pa called the cops. We all had to climb down, I carried Cj on my back but when we got down Pa was with the cops. He was crying and shaking. I was so confused, that was until the cops put Cj, Ma and I into handcuffs and shoved us into the cop cars. I asked the cop I was stuck with what was going on because I was confused. Normally they wouldn’t tell the “criminal” but I guess because I was a minor I got a clue of what was going on. She told me,” Well your father called the station and said you three had started yelling and your mother was beating on him calling him slurs and just mistreating him in total while you and your brother just stood and watched but we were told that earlier tonight you and your brother had started swinging your bats at him to get him out of the house.” I tried explaining everything but she said to stop and just wait till I had my court date set. She explained because I was a minor they might bring up old charges and I explained I just had a few charges for the posession of marijuana and alchohol on school peramiters. She said even as it might not be relevant I should hope I get a good lawyer. 
       We drove to the police station about an hour from my house and they rushed me into the building where I saw ma, and CJ getting treated the same way. We were at the station because they technically only heard from one side of the story. In result of this they needed to hear Cj, ma, and my side see if they match up and then they would go from there. We entered the building, and they led me into this investigation room like every type of room that you see on TV. Big mirror 3 chairs and a table. They sat me on one side and hooked my handcuffs to the iron bar then set my file down and left the room. It was like maybe 4 or 5 o'clock I wasn't even sure at this point. I'm just ready to go home.
       After a few hours had passed and they had asked about every question that they could think of the 2 cops that had been with me the whole time brought me to holding until they made sure all stories were straight and we weren't lying. Cj was then brought in and he looked exausted. He didn't deserve to go through this . can someone give me an opinion