Launce: You're blocking the view.
Algernon: I am the view.
Elaine: I have feelings for you.
Jay: You do?
Elaine: Yes. I feel you're a little annoying.
Augusta, to Richard: Are you a writer? You have such an interesting vocabulary.
Jonny, from across the room: No, he's just pretentious.
Augusta: Bob pissed me off today so I told him that I can't wait to see what he has planned for our special day tomorrow.
Augusta: There is nothing special about tomorrow, but there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over.
Maisy: Wanna play 20 questions?
Cameron Alexis: Sure.
Maisy: Okay, you go first.
Cameron Alexis: What’s your favorite color?
Maisy: Triangle. My turn, d'you like girls?
Richard: Can I be frank with you guys?
Jonny: Sure, but I’m not sure how changing your name will help.
Molly: Can I still be Molly?
Jonny: Shh, let Frank speak.
Molly: Are you going to help, or are you too pretty?
Augusta: I’m too pretty.
Augusta: Sometimes I think I'm better than everyone else, and then I remember I am.
Richard: Damn, I fucked up again.
Molly, nararating: He said, with surprise in his voice for whatever reason.
Jonny, depressed after getting another show rejected: My only talent is breathing.
Richard: Wrong. You have asthma.
Bob: Can you tell me why you're late to the meeting?
Jonny: Someone told me to go to hell. At first, I couldn't find it.
Jonny: But now I'm here.
Jonny: Where's my fucking script?
Eliza Marie: Jonny, there are children present. Use proper language.
Jonny: May I ascertain the current whereabouts of my fucking script?
Cady: I've heard that your composer has…a challenging personality.
Jonny: Oh, definitely! He's mostly a brat, but every once in a while, he can be a real bitch.
Richard: I'm sitting right here.
Richard: Jonny, did you sleep okay?
Jonny: No, but I drank four cups of coffee so I think I can do this.
Augusta: Get on my level.
Molly: Unfortunately, to get on your level I'd need a pair of cinder block shoes and a boatride to the Marianas Trench.
Augusta:…….holy shit.
Augusta: Oh, I never brag.
Molly: You once called your face "proof of God's existence."
Richard: We're going out in public. I expect you to be on your best behavior.
Jonny: Yeah, listen to our composer!
Richard: I was talking to you.
Eliza Marie: Guys! if you were a fruit what would you be? I'd be a strawberry!
Augusta: I'd be a tomato because no one accepts me as part of the group.
Eliza Marie:…
Eliza Marie: Very expressive! Anyone else?
Molly, barging into the room: Hey, I need to ask you something-
Lucille, lying awkwardly on her bed, flustered: Uh, yeah, what's up?
Molly:
Molly: Is Jonny under the bed?
Jonny, muffled: No.
Richard, to Molly and Jonny: Your awkwardness bonds you for life.
Augusta: They call me coffee ‘cause I grind so fine.
Eliza Marie: Oh my God.
Richard: They call me coffee because I keep you up past 2 am.
Eliza Marie: Ew, stop.
Molly: They call me coffee because I’m really bitter and people don’t like me without changing some aspect of who I am.
Eliza Marie: …Oh.
Richard: Accept your flaws, you'll feel better. It worked for me.
Molly: You accepted your flaws?
Richard: No, I accepted yours.
Elaine: We need a plan. How long can you hold your breath?
Oona: I don't know, a minute?
Elaine: Not long enough. Jay, are you familiar with the technique "slam and cram"?
Jay: No, and I don't think I want to be.
Elaine:…Venka, how attached are you to your pinky?
Venka: Very much attached, and for the record, I will not be going through with any plan with any vaguely terrifying question.
Richard: Are you decent?
Augusta: Morally? No.
Richard: I meant if you were clothed.
Augusta: Oh. Also no.
Lucille: Excuse me, sir, have you ever been arrested?
Jonny: Yeah.
Lucille: I was going to say “because it’s illegal to be that cute” but now I’m curious.
Jonny: I punched a guy to keep him from breaking a picket line.
Bob: Listen, Jonny, we did your show-
Jonny: No, you didn't!
Bob: We did it in my head and it was a flop.
Richard: Molly? You’re still awake?
Molly: It’s not that late.
Richard: It’s 2 AM! What time do you usually go to bed?
Molly: 5 AM.
Richard: You wake up at 7 AM!
Molly:
Molly 5 AM.
Augusta, doing makeup: Some people say "don’t make the wings too big"
Augusta: I like to make my wings big enough that one day, hopefully, I’ll be able to fly away from all my problems.
Ruthie: Here’s a concept. Me, eating strawberries and peaches on a hillside where I am far from everything I know.
Richard: You look stressed
Jonny: Yeah, it’s the stress
Lucille: It’s bad for you to eat after 9 pm
Molly, eating cereal at 3 am: Thank God that time's an illusion
Eliza Marie: Honey bun?
Richard: Yes?
Eliza Marie, blushing: I meant, would you like one?
Richard: Oh. Yeah, sure. Sugar?
Eliza Marie: Yes?
Richard, also blushing: I was just asking if you wanted sugar in your coffee.
Eliza Marie, flustered: Oh! Yeah. Sure.
Both: Completely flustered
Jonny, from a distance: Even I’m getting embarrassed from watching them.
Molly: I know what you mean.
Molly: Staring up at the stars
Richard: What are you doing?
Molly: Naming the stars after people I love.
Richard: Ha. Do I get a star?
Molly: You get the sun.
Elaine: I have this urge to do something stupid.
Jay: I can be stupid. Do me.
Elaine:
Vassa:
Venka:
Jay: Did I say that out loud?
Molly: You literally love everyone.
Eliza Marie: That's because everyone is worth loving.
Bob: You ever want to pitch a show again, my door is always open
Jonny: Well, you should close it, lest you get moths. Good day.
Lucille: I don’t hear anything.
Jonny: What’s the matter with that?
Lucille: Four children living in this house and no noise. That’s what’s the matter with that. I’ve never heard such a loud silence.
Richard: Anything you say in the next 30 seconds is free.
Jonny: I think you're arrogant and snobby, a terrible co-writer, really. You also have a God complex and don't think of anyone but yourself. You're a horrible husband to Eliza Marie.
Richard: But-
Jonny: Wait, I still have 22 seconds and I'm not done.
Ruthie: Wow, I need a drink.
Ruthie: Pours apple juice into a shot glass
Lucille: Where's the yogurt? I thought you went to the store
Jonny: Mumbles
Lucille: What?
Jonny: I couldn't reach it; it was on the top shelf!
Jonny: Alright, what time does the Judgmental Express get here at?
Richard: Mr. Robertson gets here at noon
Richard: This was almost a great idea
Bob: Look at that, kid! You just described 90% of your stuff.
Molly: You can't expose me, I overshare my entire life.
Molly: So today it snowed for the first time this year and I've naturally been drunk all day and didn't know so I went to take out the garbage in bare feet and stepped in an inch of snow and I just yelled "what the FUCK" and I just heard Richard from somewhere go "oh my God she's outside"
Jonny, on the phone: Hi
Richard: I'm busy, let's talk later.
Jonny: Is drinking 16 cups of coffee to stay awake bad for my health?
Richard: I'm on my way.
Eliza Marie: Thanks to Jonny, Ricky has now taken up cursing.
Eliza Marie: Yesterday, he referred to bed time as a "fucking crisis."
Eliza Marie: Has anyone in your life ever told you they love you?
Richard: Does my father count?
Eliza Marie: Yes.
Richard: No.
Eliza Marie: So is this thing between Richard and Molly supposed to be a secret?
Jonny: Hardly. The only person who doesn't know Molly loves Richard is Richard.
Molly: Why are you in a sheet?
Lucille: I, uh…don't have any clothes…
Molly, opening Lucille's closet: That's ridiculous, you have plenty of clothes here. Like this shirt, these pants, this dress, oh, hey Jonny, and this cool sweater! Ooh, and here's a cape!
Molly: You're a manipulator
Augusta: I like to think of myself as an outcome engineer
Augusta: I'm feeling a little judged again.
Molly: It's probably because I'm judging you.
Lucille, about Jonny: There's a fine line between eccentric and obnoxious, and my husband like to use it as a jump rope.
Jonny: Money does not buy happiness.
Augusta: You're probably just spending it wrong. Give it to me and I'll show you how it's done.
Molly: How much is the rent for this fantastic apartment?
Stock Boy: Miss, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store…
Lucille: Never have I ever had a crush on Richard Whitman
Richard: What?
Eliza Marie: Slams back shot proudly
Molly: Rolls eyes and downs drink neatly
Augusta: Daintily takes a sip while staring directly at Eliza Marie, Richard's current wife
Jonny: Turns bright red and throws back drink like no one will notice if he does it quickly enough
Richard: WHAT?
Lucille: What do your parents think of your career choices?
Jonny: They don't have a plan, they just hate mine!
Dalya: If the plan goes wrong, where should we regroup?
Venka: The afterlife, I guess.
Richard: You know that can kill you right?
Molly, drinking bourbon straight from the bottle: Uh, yeah. That's the point.
Jonny, smoking a cigarette: We're trying to speed this up.
Eliza Marie, eating raw cookie dough: Nodding
Jonny: Could you at least smile? It'll make me less nervous.
Molly: Awkward forced smile
Jonny: Okay, that did not help.
Eliza Marie: How do you sleep knowing that there can be people out there who don't like you?
Augusta: With no underwear, in case they want to kiss my ass.
Richard: I didn’t ask for the attitude.
Molly: I know. It’s on the house.
Jonny: Ugh, I can’t believe I lost my glasses!
Molly, staring at Jonny's glasses on his head: I’ll help you find them for 20 bucks
Eliza Marie: I got you a mood ring so I know when you need a hug.
Lucille, about to start sobbing: They change depending on heat signatures but thank you-
Lucille: Where have you been?
Jonny, returning from pitching a show to Bob: Emotional hell.
Richard: Jonny, what does this say?
Jonny: No idea.
Richard: But it's your writing!
Eliza Marie: I’m not too nice!
Richard: Eliza, you apologized–
Eliza Marie: I have manners!
Richard: –to the waiter who spilled soup on your lap…
At a New Years party
Molly, to the gang: I would like to offer a toast
Molly, raising her glass: I cannot believe we have already gone through another 12 months of absolute fuckery
Molly: Cheers!
Jonny: “Back on my bullshit”? Ha! I never got off of it!
Richard: You may not know this, Molly, but I am a flawed person-
Molly: I do know that.
Richard, on the phone with someone: Is it okay if I bring my weird roommate?
Jonny: Would you please stop calling me that?
Jonny, grabbing the phone: I'm his lyricist.
Jonny: You’re from New York?
Ted: Yes, that’s where I was born.
Jonny: You don’t act like you're from New York.
Ted: Just wait til you see me in traffic.
Molly: I'm what the Victorians would call a "vile, ill-tempered and thoroughly wretched little creature."
Eliza Marie: This is so cool! When can I meet the rest of your friends?
Richard: Uh. Heads up, the rest of my friends are….
Richard: I'm trying to find the right words to prepare you and all I can come up with is 'a dumpster fire'.
Molly: I'm having salad for dinner
Molly: Well, fruit salad
Molly: Actually, it's mostly grapes
Molly: Okay, it's all grapes
Molly: Fermented grapes
Molly:
Molly: It's wine
Molly: I'm having wine for dinner
Gia, texting: Babs, there's a big ass spider outside the bathroom door. Can you come get rid of it?
Gia: Please, I've been trying to leave the bathroom for 45 minutes.
Gia: Babs?
Gia: BABS?!?!
Babs, texting: Barbra is dead, and you're next. Love, Spider :)
Molly: Wow, my outfit looks great
Augusta: Yeah, it's really good
Molly: I like yours too
Augusta: Yeah, mine is better, I lied about yours being good.
Lucille: You missed dinner, where were you?
Jonny: In a holding cell.
Jonny: I may be short but you're still beneath me.
Jonny: You ever wonder if you’re the bad guy in somebody else’s story?
Richard: I'm the bad guy in my own story.
Richard, before the show's premiere: Are you nervous?
Jonny: Yes.
Augusta: Is this your first time?
Jonny: No, I've been nervous before.
Lucille: Did you know that atoms never touch each other? And since we're made of atoms, we've never touched anything in our entire lives. So to answer your question, sir, my husband did not punch that cop.
Molly, after meeting Richard and Jonny: I’ve only known these guys for three hours, but if anything happened to them, I’d kill everyone in this apartment complex and then myself.
Annie: To all the people saying they want to "rail" me…
Annie: I’m not a train. I can’t do that.
Eliza Marie: You think kindness doesn’t exist, you pathetic nihilist? How about you go look into the big beautiful eyes of a cow? What do you think now, jackass?
Jonny: Actually, I got my license two years ago.
Richard: What? Why didn't you say anything?
Jonny: I like being chauffeured around.
Jonny: It makes me feel important.
Augusta: Hey Richard, feel my dress.
Augusta: You know what material is that?
Richard: Silk?
Augusta: It's wife material.
Jonny: No, I'm pretty sure that's silk.
Elaine: I've been dropping subtle hints that I like him.
Elaine: Walks over to Jay
Elaine: I can't stand you.
Jonny: Why do people think that humans are the peak of evolution?
Jonny: Bears get to eat berries and salmon all the time and sleep for half the year.
Jonny: How is that not so much more advanced than working every day until you die?
Jonny: Hello, nice to meet you! This is my ex-girlfriend, Lucille.
Lucille: You have got to stop introducing me like that.
Lucille: I'm his wife.
Eliza Marie: If all your friends jumped off a bridge, wou-
Molly: Probably
Richard: Jonny doesn't have a life plan. He doesn't even have a day plan. I once found a note he wrote to himself that said "Put on pants" followed by a question mark.
Eliza Marie: Richard.
Richard: Oh no, 'Richard' in a B flat. You're disappointed.
Eliza Marie, trying to think of a conversation topic: Sooooo, what do you do for a living?
Richard: Slowly looks up from his piano
Lucille: Get up! It's morning! The sun is out!
Molly: What am I supposed to do? Photosynthesize?
