forum free character critiques (closed temporarily)
Started by @WriteOutofTime
tune

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@WriteOutofTime

Sure! First of all, oh my goodness. What a cutie. He's the most precious little thing in the world! That being said, you've also done an incredible job developing him and his personality. His backstory is cohesive and understandable, and I like that you took so much time and added so much detail to his nature and social sections. I've only got a very, very few critiques.

Be careful when writing a kid. Especially a kid that age. Ten-year-olds are incredibly complex and often have extremely strong opinions about certain things. They certainly don't like to be babied. Don't add too many childlike expressions to his character. I'm not saying that you have, but it's something to be careful of. Too many times in literature, authors treat kids aged 2-13 about the same way. The truth is, kids over the age of six have incredibly critical thinking skills. Heck, even kids under six! For example, you said he was too young to have any opinion on politics. Well, that's not true. If you were to walk around and ask a few kids around the age of ten how they felt about Donald Trump, they'd have some sort of opinion. They're largely uninformed or misinformed, and draw false conclusions, but they definitely have an opinion. Keep that in mind for all aspects of his personality, not limited to his political views.

Other than that, I think this character is phenomenal! You've clearly put in the work, and it shows. Good job.

@WriteOutofTime

@lotus Certainly! Let me start by saying how much I like this character! I like how she is naive and such an optimist, and not an edgy rebel like a lot of protagonists. That being said, you may be relying a bit too heavily on cliches. I'll go through each section and give my thoughts:

Looks
I'm not going to mince words here. Her appearance is exactly what you'd expect from a childlike female character whose title is "The Damsel." From the blonde hair, to the icy blue eyes, to the fair skin and small stature…let's just say that archetype is quite popular in a lot of novels. Especially fantasy. It's not that her appearance is a bad thing –cliches have their uses and shouldn't be avoided entirely– however, it's just a word of warning. Don't force her into bad tropes/archetypes. It won't pay off in the end.

Nature
Her mannerisms are well-thought out and pretty good, but they still rely heavily on the cutesy, naive Damsel in Distress trope. Clasping her hands? Twirling her hair? Again, definitely NOT a bad thing. I'm basically pointing out cliches at this point, just to bring them to your attention. If you choose not to change them, your character is definitely not doomed or anything. Moving on to her motivations: here's my first actual, definitive critique. Protagonists. Need. Motivation. She shouldn't learn to be motivated, she needs to be motivated from the very start! She needs to have something she wants more than anything. Something she lives to gain. It can be simple, or big, or anything, but she needs to have passion and motivations in order to be human, and in order to be the driving force of the story. I know she's young, but it's important to keep that in mind. I really like her flaws, but some of them aren't necessarily negative all the time. For example, you say she is "oblivious" for trying to help people if they are crying for help. I like how you twisted something that's typically positive (empathy) and made it a flaw, but it may help to balance that with genuine, always bad flaws. There must be something about her that isn't all sweet and cutesy. I love her prejudices, talents, and hobbies! Very good work. However, her personality type confuses me. Be careful when you have a young character who is "unworldly" and "profoundly sympathetic." That's a recipe for disaster. You run the risk of making a character too pure and perfect. I'm not saying that it's wrong or unrealistic, it's just that it's easy to make that wrong or unrealistic. Evaluate her role in the story and make sure she isn't the only moral compass. Make sure she isn't always right. And above all, don't make her unrealistically sympathetic.

Social
Her social section looks pretty good. I'm kinda wondering where the politics section went, though. Most people, even kids, have already formed at least something of a political opinion. Does she advocate for fairness? Does she like equality? Is she satisfied with the current government and its system? I also think you should add why her favorite weapon is a rapier. When did she start using it? Why does she like it?

History
Her history is a bit bare bones. For example, for her education you've only listed a GPA. What grade is she in? Does she excel in certain areas? Does she like school? How educated is she? Her backstory doesn't really reveal much about her or her role in the story. Does she already know about dreamwalking? How does she get involved? Does she have friends? What's her school life like?

One tiny, tiny nit-pick: Her outfits. If she's in a battle, why would she wear a skirt, finger-less gloves, and leggings? Why not gym clothes, or armor, or a super suit? Does it matter? (this is probably a useless detail so ignore if this is stupid to you lol)

Overall, I think she's really cool! You've done a good job developing her personality, she could just use a bit of fleshing out. Good luck!

@Lotus

@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime ah thank you! (I was a bit scared with her since she seems like the typical "plain jane" and whatnot)
yeah, I'll try to pay more attention to her and consider your input. Thanks again!

Deleted user

2: Invalid Character
she's a lot rougher around the edges than the first one sorry :(
a few things that might need explaining lol

  • UII is the standard education for their professions.
  • the races have weird names
  • "idol" activities consist of a weird combination of a turf war and capture the flag. it's the planet's main sport, like football for america.

@WriteOutofTime

@Clinquant Don't mind if I do! I really like this character. The contrast between her optimism and general friendliness and her willingness to lie is an extremely interesting concept! However, there are a few things I noticed right off the bat. I'll go through each section and give my thoughts.

Looks
Why are there question marks by her weight and height? Do you not know? It's not imperative to know your characters exact measurements, but having a loose outline is a helpful reference to have. Giving her red eyes is a risky move unless having unusual eye coloration is the norm in her universe. If her eyes are unique and most people have the typical blue-brown-green eyes, then your teetering close to Mary Sue-ness. Her body type is average? Average how? Describing her in fuller detail will help you visualize her better.

Nature
Only two mannerisms? Both of which are almost universal human mannerisms? Give her at least a few more that are unique to her! I'm sure there's a master-list of mannerisms somewhere on Google. Mannerisms help humanize characters, so be sure to add in a few more. Her motivation is interesting. If she knows it's impossible to be trusted, why does she continue to strive to be trusted? The point of a motivation for a protagonist is that their wants/needs are the driving force of the story. If her motivation doesn't directly alter the course of the plot, then it's not a strong enough motivation. I like her flaws a lot! But…if she's so naive, how is it that she is a skilled liar? Liars are often manipulative and perceptive. Naivety and deception are kinda mutually exclusive. It's not impossible to be both, but maybe add a few more details. Add that she is naive in certain situations/around certain people, but when it comes to lying she gains perception? Or something along that vein. The prejudice is cute and fits her personality fairly well. Her talents and hobbies are woefully bare bone! She must be good at more than climbing. Add a few more talents, even ones that you don't think are relevant to the story. Same with her hobbies. As for her personality type, it's kind of a laundry list of random traits. It might be helpful to you to expound on each trait a bit more. Tell how she reacts to strangers vs how she acts around people she trusts. Illustrate when/why she feels the need to lie. Just flesh her out a little more.

Social
Her religion is so well developed! Great job. But for politics, you put "none." What does that mean? Does she actively ignore politics/current events? Does she hate all politicians and just not care about any of it? Or is she satisfied with the current state of things? Even if this information isn't relevant in the story, it still offers valuable insight into her personality. Everything else in this section looks good! I'm particularly interested in what you wrote next to favorite weapon. What an interesting moral view. She seems like quite the complex character.

History
Very good! Her background is fairly detailed and interesting. The whole cult thing is a really cool concept.

All the other sections that you added
I am loving the details. You seem to have a strong grasp on your character and her personality. I commend you!

Overall, I think you have a solid character that could use some adjustments here and there. Great job, and good luck!

@WriteOutofTime

@nuetella Of course. First of all: Your art is soooo cute! You're very talented. I could definitely envision Anja as a protagonist in a really cool visual novel. That being said, I did notice a few (very few) things that could be improved upon.

Looks
I love her appearance! Very cute. However, you say she's half Asian? Asian…as in…Chinese? Japanese? Indian? Asia is a pretty large continent. It's confusing that she's just "Asian" and not anything specific. You also don't mention, throughout other sections, how her culture influences her. Does she acknowledge her Asian half? Is she bilingual? Etc.

Nature
I like how detailed her mannerisms are, but there are only two. What does she do when she's excited? When she's angry? When she's sad? When she's anxious? Mannerisms are a great way to humanize a character. Her motivation is a little iffy to me as well. A protagonist has to have a motivation strong enough to alter the course of the plot/their life. Her motivations seem a bit weak, as though anyone could have them. Think about what your character wants. Think about how your character reacts to the strange things happening in her village. Develop her wants and needs, and give her a more concrete motivation. The rest of this section is very strong! I would like to know how she reacts to strangers vs friends, and how she acts around her family. It might be helpful to add that.

Social
Her religion and the explanation is great! Politics is okay, since you've given her a small reason why she's not interested in politics, but…you could expound on it more. Is she satisfied with the current government? Does she care about equality at all? Does she vote? The rest of her social section is very good, especially the weapon part. The realism is nice.

History and all other sections
Her history is great! Good job developing the background. Again, I gotta point out how good your art is in the gallery section. So good! The notes/supernatural abilities sections are also very interesting.

Overall, good character! She has a lot of potential. Good luck.

@WriteOutofTime

@sadgirl Sure. What I notice right away is that while both characters are definitely cool and have a lot of potential, you don't seem to know them very well. I'll go through section by section, starting with Hacksaw.

Looks
I like that you've created your own races. However, since you have created these races, you need to make sure you have a clear picture of them. Describe with more detail. You say her hair is orange. So, red-orange, sunset orange, bright orange? Same with her eyes. Dark gray, steel gray, green gray? It's important to add as much detail as possible, especially when describing a race you created.

Nature
She could use a few more mannerisms, definitely. What does she do when she's angry? Nervous? Scared? How does she look when she laughs? When she cries? Little things like that help to humanize your character. Her motivation is good! A desire like that is very easy to write a story around. I can definitely see her being a strong protagonist. She could use some more flaws. Really brainstorm who she is and what her role in the novel is. Figure out her weaknesses. Her prejudice suffers from that same problem. A prejudice is inherently a bad thing. Not wanting to conform is good and quite typical for a YA protagonist. Reconsider the concept and try to find a prejudice that is not good and doesn't endear her to your audience. She could use a few more talents and hobbies, just to help develop her personality. They don't even need to be directly relevant to the story. Her personality type isn't very fleshed out either. How does she react to situations? Under stress? How does she talk to strangers vs friends vs family? Illustrate her personality just a bit more.

Social
The social section isn't too bad off. I do have a few questions, one of which is probably answered in your universe (and if so, disregard the question). Firstly, her religion is vague. What does she believe exactly? What is the modern Cleapharn practices? Same with politics. What is she fine with, exactly? Is she an advocate for freedom, equality, etc? You already said she doesn't like conformity –how does that play into her political views? Everything else looks good here.

History
Her background is a little bare-bones. Tell me more! What about the battles interested her? Why did she decide to audition? How did the people around her react? Who were the people around her? What's her family like? Did she live with them? What was her childhood like? How'd she get interested in mechanics? Don't skimp out on the details. Details are key, even if they seem pointless.

Moving on to Montblanc:

Looks
I like her appearance, and you do a pretty solid job describing her. A few questions: You say her hair is twisted up. Twisted up how? What is her hair texture? Hair length? You say her skin is a little more pigmented than a Breyward native. Try to describe her skin tone without relying on an in-universe comparison. Otherwise, everything seems great.

Nature
She needs more mannerisms. Definitely. Give her mannerisms unique to her that fit her personality. Google mannerisms, find some that fit her, and add them! It'll help you visualize her in the long run, trust me on that. It'll also help keep her a distinctive character in the novel. I like that she has a motivation, but you say she wants to complete her goals. Uh…what goals? Do you have certain goals in mind? I like that curiosity is also a motivation. Well done. Just like Hacksaw, she could use more flaws. Her prejudice, however, makes more sense than Hacksaw's. It puts her at a disadvantage to not trust tall people, and adds some depth to her character. Try to fashion Hacksaw's flaw after Montblanc's. I feel like I don't even have to tell you how bare the talents, hobbies, and personality type are. C'mon! Adding a question mark to her hobbies? That proves you don't know your character that well. Get to know her. She seems like a cool person to hang out with ;)

Social
Again, politics and religion are both extremely vague. Solidify her views. Why doesn't she have very many political views? What political views does she have, and why? What is it about her character that turns her off from politics?

History
Tell me more. Give me her full-length backstory. Why was she interested in the Idol Battle? What was she doing before that? Who were her parents? What was her home life like?

Overall, I feel like you have a solid foundation for awesome characters. However, you need to focus more on details instead of the big picture. Take some time to develop your characters and get to know them! Fill out character questionnaires, have someone "interview" your characters, get into imaginary conversations with them… Anything helps! Best of luck :D

@WriteOutofTime

@barabara I apologize for the delay. Rie Katayama seems like a really interesting and vibrant character! I love all the details you included. I may skip a few sections because of how well developed she is. A few pointers:

Nature
Those mannerism are amazing! They really help me visualize her character. I love how they all seem unique to her and aren't just a laundry list of common mannerisms. Great job. Her motivation is similarly fantastic, but I do have one small thing. A protagonist's motivations should be very, very strong. They should be strong enough to move the story in a different direction. She has so many random motivations that are good and have their place, but I feel like you should include what she wants more than anything. Her single driving force. Something she actively strives towards that changes the story. I think that at least one of the motivations you've listed fit my description of a good motivation, but I think you should place more emphasis on it and expound on it a bit more. I love her flaws. Extremely well thought-out. Her prejudice is a bit weak, in my opinion. Don't be afraid to give her a real prejudice. Say that she hates rich people. Don't dance around the fact. Everyone's got a prejudice, and they're all ugly. Don't be afraid to make them ugly, it humanizes her. Everything else in this section seems nicely developed.

Social
The religion and politics sections are very strong. I like that you included reasons behind her beliefs. I do have a small question, though. Who is Virago? You sometimes refer to Rie as Virago. Is that a typo, or is there a reason behind this? Everything else looks good.

History
I don't even have a critique here. Her history is just so incredibly vibrant! You've done a great job fleshing out her character and using her backstory to explain her current personality. Phenomenal.

Overall, this character didn't really need any help. I only offered whatever critiques I could think of, some of which may seem pointlessly nit-picky. You've done such a great job developing Rie's personality that I really don't have any complaints. Great job!

@WriteOutofTime

@Anatoliy Kuragin Sure! I think Ananya has a lot of potential. Did you do the art in her gallery? It's so good! Her character design is quite nice. Now, the critique:

Looks
I like her appearance! However, you may want to mention her Nepali heritage in her race section, instead of just saying "Asian" as it could cause some confusion. Her skin tone could be a bit more in depth as well. Mid-brown could mean a plethora of different shades. Does she have golden, red, cool blue undertones? Does she tan easily? Other than that, everything seems good here.

Nature
First, I think she could stand to gain a few more mannerisms. What does she do when she's angry? When she's not thinking? What does her face do when she laughs? Her body? Think of it this way: the more mannerisms she has, the more human she automatically seems and the more you are able to visualize her. Her motivations seem strong. Maybe explain them a bit more, and solidify a few of them. For example, you say her motivation is "surviving". Surviving…what, exactly? Because wanting to not die is basically a given for most people. You need to be more specific in this instance. Her flaws suffer from a lack of development, I think. You've listed very few flaws, and the ones you did list aren't very well fleshed out. When is she malicious? And why? What is she guilty about? And what in the world is an addictive personality? Add more explanation and more flaws. Her prejudices are a shining light in this section. They are well explained and interesting and definitely not positive. Good job on those! Hobbies and talents seem fairly strong, as well. Her personality type could use some more thought, though. I don't understand her personality very much at all. If I'm understanding correctly, she becomes a vampire and her personality alters drastically. And she doesn't like this personality change. I just don't understand how she can be afraid of her new-found confidence. If she's confident, then she's confident. A lot about her personality is shaky and confusing, actually. Tell us a bit more about her. What is she like around others? How does she act around strangers vs how does she act around friends? Is she shy or confident? (Choose either shy OR confident, or explain why you chose both!)

Social
I think her social section is pretty good. I am curious about why a Kukri is her favorite weapon and her favorite possession. Does she have emotional ties to this weapon, as well as physical ties? What is it about the weapon that entices her and fits her personality?

History
It's in this section that the real problem lies. The backstory is painfully bare. You haven't said a thing to explain her personality. Didn't you mention memory loss? Why didn't you expound on that in the backstory? How did she get bit by a vampire? That seems like a pretty important detail! What happened while she was a vampire? Writing a strong backstory is the key to developing a strong character.

Ultimately, I think that Ananya's biggest problem is her backstory. If you write a strong enough backstory, you could probably explain most of the critiques I mentioned. She has potential! Good luck.