forum ~~Character Critique/Feedback~~
Started by @Snowmirror
tune

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@Snowmirror

Sure thing, Rory!
Elizabeth

  • Mannerisms aren't bad, but I think you could add a few more. Does she cross her arms or talk with her arms waving about? Does she normally stand with a straight back, increasing her already tall image, or is she a bit of a sloucher? Just a few little things can help!
  • Motivations are good, but is there an end goal in sight? Something that pulls her forward rather than pushes her? I'm not sure if my phrasing made sense in that sentence, but what I mean is just like, the ultimate goal she will reach at the end of her story. Something like that.
  • Flaws are all really good for her! I can picture her pretty well in my head. And I think her prejudices are fair. She doesn't trust easily, especially those in authority, but is there a certain group of people she is more likely to trust, like women and children? Societal prejudices of our world make it so that many people would trust a woman over a man, especially if the person in question is a woman herself, so is there any sort of category she falls into with that?
  • Her talents and hobbies are good; I like that you added that she likes dancing when no one is watching. It makes her a little more human since she's so naturally cold.
  • Her personality is good, and makes sense with her flaws and background. Her social seems fine, too. A pretty solid character through and through! I think you could add a few more things, maybe list a few more positives of her personality or how she is going to change in the future. What really ticks her off and makes her lose her cool? What does it take to gain her trust, in actions and words from others? How would a character break down the walls she's put up? These are all things that could and probably are answered in your story, but just food for thought!

@Snowmirror

@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime
I too always have the fear of making a boring protagonist, so I'll be happy to help you!
Tasper

  • Mannerisms are okay, but blushing when flustered is pretty run of the mill. Some of the mannerisms are unique, but none of them really feel unique to him, so I would run through his character and pull out a few more that only he could express.
  • Motivations are fine, but put on an overarching one that will help the plot move forward. I think, especially with the main character, you need to have them be active and drive the plot, so they have to have the big motivation. All the other stuff is fine, but give him a motivation that moves the plot.
  • Flaws are good, but with being overly loyal, would he toss his moral compass to the side for the sake of someone he is loyal to? How far would he go? Is this a hero that could become a villain for others he loves, or are there lines he won't cross? I love characters that are too loyal for their own good. How far will it blind him?
  • A character with no prejudices until later on? Sounds a little unrealistic if you ask me. Everyone has prejudices. They can be a good thing (being prejudice of dark alleys with creepy tall guys) or a bad thing (being prejudice because of someone's race or gender), but I think everyone has them in spades. It's worth putting down so that he's more fleshed out and human. Even the nicest of people have prejudices, because our brains are wired to drive prejudice into instinct if we feel threatened. Not every prejudice has to be overcome, but it's a good thing to have and makes for great discussion among characters.
  • You could give him talents that aren't so relevant to the plot. Even if you never use them in your story, it helps the character seem like they existed prior to when the book started, rather than them coming to existence on page 1. As for hobbies, some of them aren't really hobbies. It's cute to put down things like bickering and mocking other characters, but those aren't really hobbies. And once more, you can add things that normal people would just be engaged in, like reading or playing card games or taking care of stray animals.
  • Overall, not a bad personality, but kind of weird that he's the perfect blend of his parents. It's a common writing trope to do that, especially in the physical department, but it always feels weird/cheap. Children are not their parents, not even a little, even though these people raised them, because when you break it down children have multiple influences that distance themselves from their parents' teachings (like teachers, uncles, friends, etc.). Does it bother him that he's like his parents so much? He must have been very isolated from other people to end up so much like his parents. It's fine if the influence is there, but I just don't think it makes much sense for him to be so similar to them. There need to be traits that are just Tasper, and not a combination/lack of his parents' traits, unless this is going to be a really important plot point about this.
  • His social is fine, and clearly linked well with his parents, but again, I would caution against this. He'll feel less and less like his own person if everything comes from his parents.
  • Can I ask why birthdays would be irrelevant in this culture? It's true, in non western cultures they aren't always such a big fuss, but it's usually worthy of note, and a lot of cultures have a specific age they focus on for adulthood, like sweet 16s in America and quinceaneras in Latin American cultures (I think it's specifically Mexican, because I've never celebrated it in my family) and stuff like that. In the video game Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, there is a relatively plot important moment of the main character, Link, being considered an adult at the ripe old age of 9, and inheriting that classic green tunic. I feel like birthdays are really important for culture. Even if these people can't afford presents, not all birthdays are celebrated in that sense, and you could really put your own unique twist on it.
  • His history is fine, other than that. I like the character arc you put in the notes too, though I think my prior points still stand. I don't think he's boring, per se, but giving him a quirk or something would be really good, just to help him stand out. Not gonna lie, he's a bit of a vanilla bean, but that can be a very good thing. Personally, I love vanilla bean characters, but it doesn't clique for quite a few people, so I think it's up to you how you want to adjust his character. Good luck!

@WriteOutofTime

Thank you so much for your input! This is by far the best evaluation I've ever been given about this character. Extremely helpful. I tried to make at least a few of the changes you suggested, but I'll have to spend way more time on his character. It's kind of tricky since he's so young, you know? Thanks again :D

@Snowmirror

Thank you so much for your input! This is by far the best evaluation I've ever been given about this character. Extremely helpful. I tried to make at least a few of the changes you suggested, but I'll have to spend way more time on his character. It's kind of tricky since he's so young, you know? Thanks again :D

No problem! Remember, everyone's opinion is always second to what you want for your character, so you don't have to change things if you feel like you disagree or it doesn't work! At the end of the day, he should be what you want him to be, and nothing more. Still, I was happy to help where I could!

@Kaloobia

Hi!! Am I allowed to give you two characters at a time? If so here's Levi, another member of the all-Asian-American boy band: Levi Satou
And here's Kally, a very very old OC of mine who I've written a lot for but I think could still use some work: Kalena Garza
Thank you for your time!

@Kinarymo

Uum, hi? I was wondering if you could criticize my boi over here

He was recently turned into a leading main character and i am not sure if he is good enough for it. I've been working on him for a year or two, trying to develop him and i was wondering if i did well until now
thx for your time ;w;
P.S. If you feel like it, can you also criticize his sister, please? Thank you so much (edit: i forgot you need to make them public first, so i did it now)

@Snowmirror

@Lightningclaw13 I'd be happy to! Sorry for the late response…
Tristan

  • Bone popping…? Do you mean like cracking your neck or knuckles? Also, taunting people with their past isn't a mannerism so much as a character quirk. Mannerisms are all in the physical, so tilting your head when you're confused or snapping your fingers when you have an idea would work better.
  • Singular motivations for a villain usually work out well pretty well, giving them a strong drive. I don't really know much about this voice in his head, though I do feel like I need to caution that it can be a pretty weak driving force for your villain if it's literally just 'the evil voice in their head'. It's been done before, so see if you can add a twist of some sort to it.
  • The flaws are about what you would expect from a villain, though I am curious. Is he a cold villain? Like, cool and collected? Or is he more of the teasing, easily emotional type? I'd imagine the latter, but I'm not really sure based off of what you've given me.
  • His prejudices are also kind of typical. Even if he doesn't like all humans, does he have a certain 'trope' of people he hates more? Like, cowards, or brave idiots? Is there any discrimination between age, gender or race? Even on a subconscious level? Does he like it when people try to prove they're not weak, or does it irritate him? I think it's worth looking into instead of the broadness of 'all humans are weak'.
  • Are there any hobbies he has that aren't plot relevant? Is there downtime for him to do something like, say, read a book or play a game of chess? Anything that entertains him other than furthering the plot? I wouldn't call torturing people a hobby, more so than something he does for the sake of the plot and being the villain.
  • You put that he's slightly insane under mental health, and I would like to point out that villains don't need to be insane and/or mentally ill to be villains. I don't think there's anything wrong with putting it down, but it's worth noting that people of good mental health can do horrible, horrible things. It happens all the time. And I'm not sure that sadism is a mental illness either. Some people are into that stuff, in a safe environment with their partner, and that doesn't make them mentall ill. Furthermore, you are implying a sexual aspect with sadism, just so you know. If that's what you're going for, great! Just keep that in mind. We call cruel people sadists all the time, but it is attributed to pleasure from inflicting pain, so just be aware of that.
  • He's pretty good. I think a little weak in some areas, but that might just be me having a limited knowledge of what will happen in your story.

@Lightningclaw13 group

@Snowmirror Thank you!

Yeah, I changed that to "Cracking/Popping his joints". I also moved "Taunting his foes with their past" to hobbies (hopefully it works there cause I don't really know where else to put it). And I gave him "Bows when introducing himself or leaving"

It's more than just a voice. Don't really wanna say much more, as I want to keep it secret because I'm making a webcomic for the story.

More of the teasing and kinda unstable type.

Changed the current one to "All humans are weak but peacemakers are useless" as he enjoys those who wanna fight him but also likes those who are scared of him. Peacemakers try and help him which gets him extremely angry.

Changed them to "Formerly: Spending time with family and friends, Training, Drinking, Being alone
Currently: Training, Drinking, Being alone, Killing, Taunting his foes with their past"

Yeah, I know. There is a reason but, I don't wanna spoil it~
I changed it to Sadistic personality disorder as that fits a bit more. Also sadism isn't just sexual (though it can be), there's actually a different disorder strictly for the sexual aspect of it, sexual sadism disorder.

Again thank you so much!

@Hac_KinG

i know you have a lot to get to, so if youre busy im sorry. i was just hoping i could get your opinion on my main OC Ramule (its pronounced like Ram…as in the animal, and yule, like the log)

Thanks!

@Snowmirror

@Kaloobia For now I just wanna handle characters one at a time, so I'll critique the first one you linked me to. Feel free to send the second character separately, like after this critique. I think my critiques come out better when it's just one character, so I'm sticking with a rule of one for now.
Levi

  • Ahhh, I'm such a sucker for this name… It's just so cool sounding!
  • Motivations are good for his personal growth, but does he have one directly relating to the plot? I think it's good to have something like that, just to make sure he's always tied in, especially since there are other characters that will be vying for page space.
  • If he's hotheaded, how did he get the reputation of being cool? Is he hotheaded in a way that he just snaps when pushed sometimes, or is it more temperamental? You say he keeps his emotions in check, so I imagine it's something like that. If that's the case, I'm not sure hotheaded is the word I use, because I feel like hotheaded people habitually lose their temper, rather than just having a dangerous side when they snap or get mad. What makes him mad anyway?
  • I think it would be interesting to highlight this 'not wanting to show weakness' part of him, especially when it comes to the actual writing of the story. It seems a little bit proud of him too.
  • If he has a hard time reading people, how is he good at taking care of them? Even if he likes taking care of others, how is this not a bigger struggle for him? I can see how it would easy for him to take care of characters who wear their hearts on their sleeves, as you previously mentioned he gets along with these people better, but what about others? Most people are guarded to a certain degree; we simply can't help that. If he's good at this because he's observant, wouldn't this observant behavior help him understand others in general much better than previously stated? I feel like these traits are a bit of a contradiction in his character.
  • Furthermore, while helping others can certainly be considered a talent, aren't his musical skills also talents? If you move those from hobbies to talents, you can fill the hobbies with more mundane things, like feeding birds at the park or journaling. I think hobbies as the mundane and talents as the plot-important help both break down and create your character.
  • He's a pretty sweet character, I just think there are a few things that butt heads in his personality. This could totally work, real people are filled with all sorts of contradictions, but it could be straightened out a little. At the very least, be careful with the execution of these ideas in the actual work he'll be in, and you'll have a great character!

@Snowmirror

@Kohaku Hello! If you want to link his sister after this critique, feel free to! People can send as many characters as they want, so long as it's one at a time.
Tanthaliel

  • Mannerisms are good, but the last two lean more towards his personality than his mannerisms, so just a bit of caution there. His motivations are also good, and I can't really recommend anything else here! They're the solid base work for his character.
  • Overall, going through the nature page, I feel like he's a little lacking? I wouldn't say there are traits that don't work together, everything seemingly does, but it also feels like there could be more. Another quirk that separates him from other child characters, or something. You say he's loving and nice and overprotective of his sister, but how far does he go to protect her? What's his morality scale? He's young, but at the age where he would have a pretty strong one.
  • Also, why have him be so young? Obviously, this isn't a bad thing, but it is a question I have. There usually is a reason, right? What would change if he was older? What wouldn't? What is he going to be like in the future? These are usually questions that crop up with having young characters.
  • I don't have much else to say than what I've already said. Is he prepared to be a main character? I don't know, that's all on how you feel. It changes the tone of your story to have a young lead, so keep that in mind. He could be intriguing as the protagonist, but it's all on how you handle the actual writing, not a character sheet. Good luck with him!

@Kaloobia

@Snowmirror Yeah of course! I'll link her to you another time, I don't want to overwork you by any means.

  • Aah thank you I like his name too!! <3
  • Will keep the motivation thing in mind when writing, thank you!
  • Like you mention in the following point, his keeping cool, and thus not showing weakness, is tied to his pride, yes: he lost his temper a lot as a kid and had to literally train himself to keep a cool head and not just snap at people, and has since mellowed out considerably. But sometimes he'll come in contact with those sorts of people who push your buttons just for the sake of it and then it just all bubbles right back up and it's not pretty. Will definitely mention that, thanks for pointing it out!
  • I definitely see what you mean, it IS contradicting haha, I'll definitely work on that.
  • I'm always forgetting to actually include musical training, I always spend so much time thinking about personality and psychological aspects haha, I think I'll do what you suggested ^^

Thanks again so much for your help! You really are so good at this, and I'm super happy with your comments! <3 ^^

@Snowmirror

It's no problem, BlackMagic!
Oswald

  • When you say that he has a friendly way of speaking, do you mean he's just more casual in conversation? I've never really seen anything listed like that before, and I think it's pretty interesting, if that's what you mean by it. Under motivations, stopping Mask is one of his, and the group's, motivations, but does this ever conflict with him wanting to find his father? Do the two coincide perfectly? Or will this butt heads in the future? Of the two, which would he prioritize more? I think it's important to dice these things up, so when conflict arises you'll know his actions.
  • Internalizing things is a really good flaw, one of my favorites, actually, but what other flaws are there? He can't just have one, people are filled of flaws. Is he a blind loyalty guy? Does he get defensive when people ask personal questions? Is he extremely independent? I think putting a few more down could really make this character sing.
  • For talents and hobbies, feel free to add more! What can you see him doing in his free time? I usually shoot for three talents and three hobbies, even if they will never engage in these hobbies in the future, so you might want to try that.
  • He sounds like a total sweetheart! Give him some darker flaws to really balance him out, and he can be really fun and amazing! He sounds like he would be fan favorite in a published work, people love bleeding hearts, so have all the fun you can with him!

@Kaloobia

Hi it's me again, I'm gonna drop Kally here once again: Kalena Garza
I'm,,, a little worried that she's a little all over the place, like I said she's a very old character that has evolved a lot and I just,, don't feel like she's enough in certain areas? Even though I've written a lot.
Thank you so much for doing this!

@Snowmirror

@Hac_KinG Sorry for such a late reply OTL
Ramule

  • Favorite scars are always a fun thing to have, not gonna lie. Fleshes out the personality, too. Are there any other mannerisms you could give him, though? Talking with hands is good, but are there specific gestures you can put down? Ones for each emotion? Right now, it feels a little vacant.
  • Motivation is good, but give him multiple! It is called motivations after all, not motivation, and multiple will really flesh him out, especially since he's so old. There must have been multiple things that got him out of bed in the morning, right?
  • If he's so old, why does he still have the headstrong trait of running into fights? Has he not learned his lesson? Not that I expect him to be all wise or something, but has he not learned his lesson yet? Will he ever? In a way, ancient characters are some of the hardest to write, because you expect them to be wiser than humans, and yet because they are fictional characters they still need to grow somehow. And we are never truly done growing, but this trait feels a little… young?
  • I like this grudge-holding and how it plays into his prejudice. Just uh… be careful I guess? With the hating the Japan Clan thing? If they have customs that are specific to Japan, try not to have him be a dick about it or something. Make it clear that his beef is with the people, but not the people's culture. I don't think he does, but just a fair warning.
  • Talents and hobbies are good! Who does he open up to, by the way? Has he really just internalized these things for so many years? Or does someone understand him?
  • Man, that's a big sword. Compensating for something, perhaps? jk jk I like him! He seems like a fun character with few critiques for me to give!

@MrBombastic group

@Snowmirror
Sorry for the late answer!Just saw the notification! ;;
Also,thanks a lot!This helped me a lot!
-About stopping Mask,this isn't really related to his father.Well,this is his objective as a member of The Forest Team,but finding his father is one of his personal goals.But in the future,Mask will "convince" Oswald to join his team (well,not really "convince".Mask uses masks possessed by souls to control other people.He doesn't control the souls.It's more like a pact.He helps the souls to escape "The Dark Side of the Forest" where they are preserved from terrorizing the living creatures.But with the condition that they will help him with his plans.Plus,they will receive new bodies.So that's another plus for them.).This is where all it gets personal.
-Those are some really good examples!I'll try to use them.I didn't really thought about some more flaws.I'm still working on his personality/story a little.But still.I should think about some more flaws.
-I don't really think about my characters alone.Like,in they're free time.But more with they're friends or other characters.I'll try to add more.Some of my characters don't even have any talents yet and the majority of them have singing of playing an instrument as a talent.I guess this is something that I don't think too much about.
-Really glad that you like him!I can't call myself an expert on dark thing…but I can say that I have some ideas for his flaws (some of my characters represent an emotion and they're flaws are more about mental illness.Oswald represents happiness and developed depression during his life because of the stress and
absence of his father.so,I guess that will be easy).Anyway,I'll work a lot more on him!Thanks again for all the help! ^ ^

@MrBombastic group

Hello!
It's-a me again :^
I just finished writing about those two characters (Timmy and Jack).Their stories are related.Can you take a look over them,please?Idk why but Jack seem too edgy for me and Timmy…a little too childish.
(also.I think I'm going to write some kind of "one-shot" about when they met)
Oh.Forgot to tell you.They are still in development.

@Kinarymo

@Snowmirror
Thanks for the reply
• I’m glad i got the motivations right, i felt like it was a bit too plain. I fixed his Mannerisms as much as i could (i honestly wasn’t sure about the last two either, but i threw them in there anyway)
• I really wasn’t sure what to write about his nature, it just didn’t know what to add. Until recently he’s been a side character so i just did not know how to change him for the better. Thanks for pointing that out, it’s really helpfull!! I did make some changes here and there to try and make it better, but that’s debatable. I wanted him to be that kind of character that’s really nice to people and tries to help no matter what. As for protecting his sister, he has a very strong bond with her so he is ready to put himself in danger just to know her safe. And yes, out of all the characters, he probably has the highest level on the morality scale.
• He’s young because that’s when his parents were taken away . Of course, he could have waited until he was older to set out on this journey, but his sister’s health condition is worrying him a lot, since he heard it’s very possible that her illness is incurable, and being the kid that he is, he tries to help her his own way. If he were older, he would probably think things through a little bit more, but he would still be the same caring, responsible and ready-to-help boy. Also, if he would have waited, it’s possible that her sister’s condition could worsen in time (no one knows for sure if this will happen, but Tanis still thinks it’s best to act before it’s too late). Here's the updated version:

• I’m still working on certain things, but i hope this answers some of the questions. I made some modifications, i hope they’re good. Thank you for the notices, they help so much.
• I also have the link for his sister, if you can take a look at her:

@Snowmirror

@Kaloobia Life's been a bit hectic lately, but I am still here to critique, so let's jump in!
Kalena

  • Staring off into the distance when pondering and being attentive when others talk feels a bit cliche, doesn't it? Generally, we all kind of do this. People dissociate a little bit when they're deep in thought, and we tend to listen to people we like when they speak. I think you can either get rid of these or put a twist on them that makes them uniquely Kalena!
  • Her motivations are cute and wholesome, but she's only human. Is there any selfish desire that drives her? Anything a little less starry-eyed? Also, her being short-tempered only seems to be triggered by things that naturally make people snap. Stress, being busy, zero sleep, they make the most patient of people snap, so is that really a short temper or just a thing that people do? If she was short-tempered, I imagine much more minor things would set her off, like someone tapping their foot or asking too many questions - things that most of can ignore/deflect that she just can't.
  • She doesn't tolerate being taken advantage of, which is great, but where does she draw the line with 'forgive and forget' and being petty? What makes her become petty? Small things? Typically, being petty means you're holding onto some pretty little things, so wouldn't her pettiness override her forgive and forget diplomacy?
  • Even though she has stated flaws, they feel weak compared to the more positive parts of her personality. None of these flaws feel like they hold consequence or weight against the rest of her, so I would say develop them more. At some point, readers should be afraid of what her flaws are going to do to her, or at least be a little stressed about it.
  • I'd say fill out the entire social page, but I barely check social pages to begin with so…
  • Her history is really good, but make sure that if you post snippets of her poems/lyrics, that they live up to the hype! Hyping up a character's ability is great in telling, but even more amazing in showing. I wouldn't say she's all over the place, but she does feel a little underdeveloped. Nothing that you can't fix though, so good luck!