~~Character Critique/Feedback~~

Got it!
Lilith

Ah yes, good old Lilith, who I believe was the first woman created by God or something. I wouldn't know, I'm not religious, but I love her name. So, she's been around for a long time, obviously, you would think she would have hobbies outside of what she is. Sure, she's a succubus, but that's the only thing she focuses on besides killing? It's like saying that I need to eat food to live, so all I do is eat, and that's all I'll ever do. Does she have downtime? Does she do something in that? Maybe she secretly has some wholesome hobby like knitting or watching really bad television shows (which, personally, fuels my hatred for humanity, so I don't know about how she would feel)
She is a pretty typical villain, just there for sex and death, and I think you could do more than that! So often female demons are just sex demons with nothing else, and her obsession with Noriko only adds a little bit more definition. Either make her a really fun villain who has bite to her bark, or give her more dimension.

Noriko

She doesn't seem all that bad, though I think filling out the personality section could help a bit. As far as motivations go, would she be motivated to get revenge on Lilith for what she's done to her? It's fine that she has some basic self centered ones, but in the grand scheme of your plot how do these motivations push her forward? What else might push her?
For flaws, I'm actually surprised that she's naive. She's aware of what happened to her parents, so isn't she one of the most educated people on a very human topic i.e. murder? How sheltered was she by her sensei? And is she naive in a childish sense, or naive in her own actions, like not really understanding the impact of her actions until it's too late? Does she have a prejudice against demons, since it was a demon that ruined her life?
She's pretty good, other than that!

Rory

Great! Thanks very much this gave me loads of help. And in terms of her character, yes she was certainly educated on how grim the world truly is but her naivety is due to her fiery personality, she has yet to learn to think before she acts and, like you said, doesn't quite take consequences into consideration

@robinsonsgalaxy

Hey! I've read some of the advice you give about characters and you are so thorough and helpful, so I'd love if you could critique my three babies <3 They aren't entirely fleshed out, but they're still in the process.

Thank you so much! Also, feel free to absolutely tear them apart

@Kaloobia

Hiiiiii It's me again ^^; I'd appreciate some feedback on my boy Casey, he's a member of an All-Asian-American boy band; I'm trying to get several different opinions on him because I've worked on him quite a bit and he has a big place in my heart :)

@Snowmirror

May 23, 2018

@robinsonsgalaxy
Let's jump right in to see what I can do then~
Elodie

I don't know about describing darker skin tone as foods. It's always kind of been a big no in the writing community. You wouldn't describe a pale skinned person as mayonnaise and crackers, would you? You could compare darker skin tones to say, sand, wood, or even certain types of gems.
Her personality isn't bad, but with a motivation like that, I would think she would have the flaw of being naive. On top of that, I would add more flaws that have substance, if that makes sense. Her putting on a facade of smiling and stuff is good, but I don't really know what she's hiding. Does she not like showing others she's upset? Does she only know how to pretend to be happy? How genuine is it? Are there any mannerisms that give it away? Furthermore, does she care about how others perceive her? Most people put on a facade when they care, so does she? To what extent?
Also, will her motivations ever change? I don't know if the plot of the novel is her parents getting back together, but if it's not she needs more. How does she motivate herself? How does she do it according to the plot? She's not a bad character, but she definitely feels like she's in the process, like you said.

Tyler

Motivations are pretty typical and don't tell me much about his character. Since there's no history linked, I can't see why this motivation exists and to what extent he will go for it. Personality isn't really filled out in a satisfying manner either, so I don't what else to say other than there's no real substance here for me to work with. Also "can be rude" is different from "is actually rude" so how often do his flaws show? He doesn't sound like he has flaws of real threat to himself/plot/relationships.

Quinn

Once more, the motivations are pretty empty and don't feel like they're attached to the character personally so much as it was convenient to fill the spot. And surely she must have flaws outside of these mental illnesses. I mean, she was once someone before them, wasn't she? I don't know what else to say because there is very little to work with here.

I want to critique more, but critiques are really made for when you think you're done filling out the character pages and need insight, not when you're still in the middle of them. If you put down more information for all of them, I'll have more stuff to say, but I can't help you build characters from the halfway point. Thank you for sharing anyway!

@Snowmirror

May 23, 2018

@Kaloobia
Casey

Right off the bat, he seems fleshed out! So, you put down that he's childish, but seeing that he is also eager to learn, how would he react when confronted about this flaw? Would he be just as eager to 'outgrow' this flaw? I think there are still other aspects of him that can be fluffed up, and I think it would be good to write down any character growth he experiences.
What's his temper like? How does that relate to his ego and self-image? When challenged on these things, how does he react? Does the attention he like only have to be positive? Does he feel obligated to put on a show and appeal to the image he has created? Is it something he ever regrets? What ARE his regrets on that note?
I do feel like he's missing a little something to really make him pop out, but I can't put my finger on it. I suppose he's a bit of a done trope before, and something could be added to turn the trope on its head, but that's up to you. Sometimes it's best to work with what readers expect in the end!

@Lightningclaw13

May 23, 2018

Hey, it's me again. Sorry to ask again but I loved how in depth you are so I was wondering if you could critique some of my other characters?
Fjola: Fjola
Seth: Seth Reed
Talia: Talia Swift

@Kaloobia

May 24, 2018

Aahh good good okay. I actually didn't realize he was a trope?? Good to know, I'll look into it ^^ And thanks again for the help, as always good questions to answer and develop on :) <3

@Isaac

May 24, 2018

Hey, your critiques seem really good, so I was wondering if you could critique my character, Dan

@robinsonsgalaxy

May 24, 2018

@robinsonsgalaxy
Let's jump right in to see what I can do then~
Elodie

I don't know about describing darker skin tone as foods. It's always kind of been a big no in the writing community. You wouldn't describe a pale skinned person as mayonnaise and crackers, would you? You could compare darker skin tones to say, sand, wood, or even certain types of gems.

Her personality isn't bad, but with a motivation like that, I would think she would have the flaw of being naive. On top of that, I would add more flaws that have substance, if that makes sense. Her putting on a facade of smiling and stuff is good, but I don't really know what she's hiding. Does she not like showing others she's upset? Does she only know how to pretend to be happy? How genuine is it? Are there any mannerisms that give it away? Furthermore, does she care about how others perceive her? Most people put on a facade when they care, so does she? To what extent?

Also, will her motivations ever change? I don't know if the plot of the novel is her parents getting back together, but if it's not she needs more. How does she motivate herself? How does she do it according to the plot? She's not a bad character, but she definitely feels like she's in the process, like you said.

Tyler

Motivations are pretty typical and don't tell me much about his character. Since there's no history linked, I can't see why this motivation exists and to what extent he will go for it. Personality isn't really filled out in a satisfying manner either, so I don't what else to say other than there's no real substance here for me to work with. Also "can be rude" is different from "is actually rude" so how often do his flaws show? He doesn't sound like he has flaws of real threat to himself/plot/relationships.

Quinn

Once more, the motivations are pretty empty and don't feel like they're attached to the character personally so much as it was convenient to fill the spot. And surely she must have flaws outside of these mental illnesses. I mean, she was once someone before them, wasn't she? I don't know what else to say because there is very little to work with here.

I want to critique more, but critiques are really made for when you think you're done filling out the character pages and need insight, not when you're still in the middle of them. If you put down more information for all of them, I'll have more stuff to say, but I can't help you build characters from the halfway point. Thank you for sharing anyway!

Thank you so much, I'm sorry these characters aren't as fleshed out as they could be.

@Snowmirror

@Lightningclaw13
Sorry for the late reply!
Fjola

She's a little too singular in nature. She's just shy and submissive and nice. This can be fine, but characters with no backbone are really hard to write because they're frustrating. They don't mix things up or act out of character. So what moments would make her act out of character and break her nature? What twists can you add to this trope to really make it your own? Submissive and kind people all have a breaking point, so what's hers?
Her motivation is also pretty singular and empty. She's a major character, but how does her motivation propel the plot? Why does she have to be such a goody goody? Does she really have no moral complexity? What does this add? How will she change? Her existence is so heavily based on being kind that she really just feels one dimensional. Is there nothing else to fill her out?
Furthermore, would she stand to the side if someone she loved was hurt? Kindness can be a double-edged sword. Do other characters get easily frustrated with her? How does she handle that? How much does she care about everyone else's opinion?

Seth

He's more developed than Fjola, but I don't feel like he's changed all that much personality wise from it, so I don't think it needs to be pointed out. Of course he becomes self loathing and self conscious about scars, but I don't know if they should be the single motivation. That's really what gets him out of bed in the morning? Revenge for the scars he got? Once more, it doesn't flesh him out enough.
You could give him more talents and hobbies too to make him more fleshed out. Mostly, even though he's more developed, my critique for him lines up with my critique with Fjola.

Talia

I don't want to sound repetitive, so instead of me fluffing up three paragraphs on her I'm just gonna say that once again, she feels one dimensional and you should refer to the above questions with Fjola for how to flesh her out. She feels like a typical extroverted character when she could probably be more with more poured into her. I hope this helps!

@Lotus

Hey! Please destroy my two children for moment, would ya?

My story's still a work in progress, but I just wanted to have believable and realistic protagonists as part of a foundation I can build off of first (I'd especially appreciate it if you focus more on their motivations and backstories, some parts to me are still a little iffy) Thanks so much in advance

@Lightningclaw13

Thank you!
Fjola: I changed her flaws to "Clumsy, Submissive, Childish, Indecisive (All the time), Delicate (Emotionally)." She'll fight for her friends in a heartbeat. Even though she's weak emotionally, she's extremely strong physically. Most of the time, she doesn't need to fight but will if need be.
As she's the oldest character, she's seen what the world can do. She's experienced it firsthand. So when the time came to get rid of a horrible evil, she knew she had to step up to the plate.
As I said before, she'd fight for her friends. Not really hurting anyone, more so distracting the enemy while her friends get to safety/recover. Some characters do and she's pretty distraught about it. She doesn't show how much it affects her, as she doesn't like to worry others.
Seth: I added "To help Karla" as a motivation. She was a big mother figure to him.
I added "Hanging around Cole's group" to hobbies and " Self-Defense, Multitasking" to talents.
Talia: I added "Knife throwing, Communicating" to her talents and changed her flaws to "Moody, Stubborn, Rowdy, Absent-minded, Fickle."
Again, thank you so much!

@Snowmirror

@Isaac Once more, sorry for the late reply!
Daniel

Overall, he's really well done! I would put more physical movements under his mannerisms, like what he does when he's lost in thought, just to flesh out his body language. Body language is pretty hard to write (in my opinion) so having a little list helps bring the character to life. For hobbies, I know you put that he has no idea what he would do when he stops, but do you know? I think it's good that he doesn't but you, the writer, should probably have an idea of how this character would act in every situation, including a mundane alternate universe. Maybe put a few things down for future reference so he doesn't feel like he's just tied into the world you made him for.
He's cynical but trusts too easily? I feel like this is a little to contradictory. I know humans are, by nature, big contradictions, but I always get the feeling that cynical people are also skeptical, as they are flaws that lend themselves to each other very easily. Other than that, I don't have major critiques, so good luck with him!

@I.J.Green

Hi there, would mind reviewing my character?

Thanks!

@Snowmirror

@lotus
Sure thing!
Rika

She's very well developed and put together. She makes me think a lot of Riza Hawkeye from Fullmetal Alchemist, and that's a plus, since that was such a developed and nuanced character. Her immaturity has good explanation in her past too, so I don't have any critiques for her! Mostly, just be careful to not make her seem annoying by screwing things up occasionally, because that can always be a huge turn off for a character. Make sure her flaws really challenge her in her future, whether they cause a turning point in her arc or otherwise. Remember, a main character should always have some sort of development, unless them remaining static is an explicit problem.
Also, she's young. Really young, especially for military work. She's my age. Don't forget that heavy things like that affect teens in many odd ways. Also, does she need to be that young? Is it plot important? I think she would feel more real if she was older, just by a few years. Never force your characters to be younger than they should be. Some characters are old souls, and should be portrayed as such.

Carter

Singular motivations can be good, especially when it comes to younger characters, because that single minded attitude allows for a dedicated point of view that most adults can't replicate. Once more, it's going to be a small paragraph because you have fleshed out this character in fewer words.

@Snowmirror

@lotus
Sure thing!
Rika

She's very well developed and put together. She makes me think a lot of Riza Hawkeye from Fullmetal Alchemist, and that's a plus, since that was such a developed and nuanced character. Her immaturity has good explanation in her past too, so I don't have any critiques for her! Mostly, just be careful to not make her seem annoying by screwing things up occasionally, because that can always be a huge turn off for a character. Make sure her flaws really challenge her in her future, whether they cause a turning point in her arc or otherwise. Remember, a main character should always have some sort of development, unless them remaining static is an explicit problem.

Also, she's young. Really young, especially for military work. She's my age. Don't forget that heavy things like that affect teens in many odd ways. Also, does she need to be that young? Is it plot important? I think she would feel more real if she was older, just by a few years. Never force your characters to be younger than they should be. Some characters are old souls, and should be portrayed as such.

Carter

Singular motivations can be good, especially when it comes to younger characters, because that single minded attitude allows for a dedicated point of view that most adults can't replicate. Once more, it's going to be a small paragraph because you have fleshed out this character in fewer words.

And the pasts are pretty good! Sorry, forgot to tack that on

@Snowmirror

@I.J.Green
Mayble

I don't think I've ever seen that name spelled that way. It's cute, especially for living people to spell their names like that, but generally I think it's easier on a reader's eyes to see common names spelled in their common ways. And if this is how you spell it, shouldn't her nickname be spelled May and not Mae?
As far as her scars go, I always thought all scars fade to white? Some stay slightly pink, but even deep and damaging scars fade in color. I don't know how recent the big red one was, however, so you could totally ignore this.
Under mannerisms, putting that she's irritable when tired is kind of redundant. Being irritable when you're tired is just part of being tired, scientifically. It doesn't need to be pointed out. Also, most of her mannerisms are very simple, and don't feel unique to her character. One or two that she can really call her own would be good so that she stands out from the characters around her. The second half of her mannerisms are technically not mannerisms, just personality traits, so they don't really belong there. If she's externally hard to read, you should make her mannerisms more refined. Maybe when she's mad, she gets this small wrinkle between her eyebrows that only friends notice. When she's happy, she might bite her lip to stop a smile or laugh. Bouncing on toes and chewing fingernails is pretty obvious as far as physical motions go.
She has very humanitarian motivations, which is fine, but you would think someone as old as her would have more. What motivations have changed since her youth? How does she feel about this? What motivations will she fall into? What motivations does she think she will never have? I think these are important to understand in the long run.
So, I get a sense of her character through these flaws, but it doesn't really feel like enough. Characters (particularly female characters) being so selfless it hurts them is very common, and I think it can go horribly wrong with an incorrect approach. There has to be other flaws, I think, to make her feel more real. Does she have a sense of pride even though she is self sacrificing? Maybe she is stubborn in her views or unable to change. Would you put her as cynical for her life experience? Jaded? Too old for this world? What flaws would come from someone who has lived a very long time? There should be more listed.
Will she ever learn her lesson about trusting people? I would say it would make a good character arc, except she's been repeating this mistake for years, it seems, so it's hard to imagine a turn around for her. Do you have anything planned?
I think she's a little rough around the edges and could use a few more outlines to her personality. So far, she's not really sympathetic and just tragic, which is a difference you probably don't want. Making her more human is the first step to writing a sympathetic character, so I suggest adding more flaws and stand out traits other than being kind of dumb for repeating past mistakes and guarded.

@Snowmirror