There are a few of these around, so I thought I'd try my hand. Send me your characters and I'll give you feedback/critique! At least one of my worlds is public, so you can see how I handle writing my own characters and decide if you care to have feedback from me. Don't forget to make your characters public!
Can you do these two?
Thank you! They are part of a webcomic i'm working on and I really want them to be perfect lol
@Celestial-B Of course! I'll start with Harmony:
What's neat about doing characters for webcomics is that, physically, they're already down pat, so she looks really neat! There's not too much happening in the design and it lines up with her personality. Her motivations are good, but everything written after "Trying to find out why some Crystalites's gemstones are becoming corrupt" can be left for a different page about the Crystalites, because it kind of detracts from the central topic of this tab (i.e. Harmony). Her impulsivity is rather interesting. She doesn't get mad at others, but if her impulsive actions are stopped/challenged, does that upset her? Does she concede when her obliviousness is scolded/called out? These are good flaws, but how much of her flaws disappear as she matures in this tale? And, in turn, what new flaws pop up? I love me a good coming of age story, but going from child to perfect adult can be worrisome, so make sure you have some backup flaws. There are bad things about maturing, too.
About her prejudices, would it be possible for her to be prejudice against humans? I know she is one, but she's raised entirely in a system that doesn't favor humans, so would that rub off on her? Give her some doubt, some guilt, some self-hatred?
Now, she rarely gets sad or angry, unless it's for a 'good reason'. Is this good reason what lines up with her morals, or the morals of the readers? There should be times when she's sad or mad because of her morals, but not necessarily in ways the reader can understand. It sounds weird, but that builds sympathy because people can sometimes just break. On that note, I'm not too sure about her. She feels thought out, but a little too perfect, a little too done before. She fills the role of protagonist to a T, but comes a little empty in some spots. I think instead of "she's rarely mad or angry" she should be the person who is really good at pushing those emotions down. If she was constantly battling with these negative emotions and to be happy all the time, you would have a nice internal conflict on top of external. That, or maybe guilt over things she can't control.
Furthermore, the system does affect her personality, in one way or another. Or at least, it should. If she holds it in contempt and resentment, then it is affecting how she holds grudges, though you mentioned she rarely does.
Overall, I do really like her, but I think she needs a little more to shine (gem pun intended). You have a really unique situation happening, and you should use her to take advantage of every part of it. If she becomes a rug and lets people step over her, it's hard to build sympathy. And if she's a hardass, it's still hard to build sympathy. I don't think you're risking the latter, but you are risking the former, even though she is a lovely character.
Now, to Keon! (I'm loving these names, they're so cute and simple)
I like his clean-cut motivation of helping himself, I can see that getting him into all sorts of situations. I love me some angsty boys, but it feels like he has all of the internal conflicts. I can see how he would bounce off of Harmony, however. He could die at any moment, and if she dies that's potentially the end to humans. They're both on this precarious edge and I love it. He feels very desperate compared to her too, where her motivations could be taken at a slower pace. Overall, he's got more happening than Harmony does, which can take away her spotlight. I think he's still missing something, and both characters need hobbies that aren't plot relevant. It helps flesh them out more. Perhaps he needs a spark of something else? I have a lot less to say about him, however, and I think he's well done.
I'd love to see how these characters work together! But I would avoid having too childish of a main character. There are some dark, dark themes floating in this work that could have great commentary on innocence/hardship/coming of age, or the characters could come off as gimmicky and singular in traits, so be careful. Don't be afraid to have your characters do a 180! You don't have to take any of this advice of course, and I wish you the best of luck!
Ah thank you! You opened my eyes to a lot of different things I overlooked, especially with Harmony. I know exactly what you mean when you say she is missing more eternal struggles, I knew something was missing with her but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. And the same with Keon. I'll go ahead and try and delve more into their development! Thanks so much for the helpful critique!
Would you mind taking a look at Ziff for me? Don't be afraid to really tear my little Ziffers to pieces!
@ThiaL Let's dig in then, shall we?
There is definitely a lot poured into this character, I can tell. He's so cute! I like how the mannerisms are tailored to him specifically versus just popping a few generic ones in. His motivations are a little lacking, however. I know he's only ten, but wanting to prove he is strong and grown up and protect the people around him is so very, very basic. It gives him no agency as a character and honestly unless he is doing REALLY plot-important stuff, he could easily be replaced with a happy dog. He's young, yes, but he really isn't anyone outside of Ginger and Caleb. There should be another motivation there, something that really helps bring him together with the rest of the cast. I was ten seven years ago, so it's tough to remember, but my goals and ideals were more developed than 'I want to grow up', not to mention that it can be a very tiring trope for child characters. Bring something new to the table! You say he's proud, but he's too shy to show his drawings. Is it real pride? Is it a show? Further, where does he get this prideful and stubborn nature? Kids aren't inherently little friends, and besides the death of his mother, it appears that he grew up in nurturing homes. I like him, because I like kids and kid characters, but I don't see anything about him that really makes him shine. If anything, there's the fear that he is going to be a nuisance to the story. More often than not, child characters detract from a story, especially a mature one, and if you're not careful he could do that to yours. Also, eventually, this kid is going to grow up. Whether you write him as a grown up or not is up to you. But, I can't tell what he would be like. His personality is so grounded in 'he's a kid!' that I can't picture what he will be like as an adult. There's no basis for anything outside of it because it honestly feels like his one character trait is 'I'm a child', and that's not a good sign. It makes me think that if he were written as a teenager, he would be angsty and complaining and whining, like every stereotype of teenagers. I don't hate him, not at all, but he needs to have more than youth on his side. He's a person, not a trope, and he needs to stand out as one. More hobbies, more aspirations, more independency, more agency. I hope this wasn't too harsh and helps you!
@Snowmirror This helped sooooooo much!! Thank you! Don't be worried about sounding too harsh it's exactly what I needed! The last thing I want is for Ziff to be annoying and I'm always worried about falling into tropes so this was great! Thanks a lot!
Would you mind critiquing my two newest characters? The web comic I'm making will explain some things but that's still kinda early in development. I thank you in advance!
Mina: Mina (Young)
Xylas: Xylas (Blake)
so long as it's not too much trouble, i'd love to hear some feedback on this girl! i spent a lot of time developing her, so i'm really curious if there's anything more i could do with her to perhaps strenghten her character; Ilia Ladislas
@Lightningclaw13 Let's start with Mina;
So, she's a little bare bones as far as characters go. Actually, really bare bones. I feel like you should go off in the personality section and really dig into how she acts, and yet there are just a few traits listed. And as far as traits go, it all leads to one thing - she's bad. I know she's the antagonist (or secondary villain, as you put it) but there's nothing special about her. She's just sort of boring. Her motivations being a single person can be fine, but is it really enough? Does she ever motivate herself? Is she there for anything else? As a villain, her entire personality really boils down to flaws. Is there nothing you can put a positive spin on? Loyalty? Dedication? A never give up attitude? Is she someone else's foil in this story? Because if she is, whoever her literary opposite is is going to come off as boring because they'll have to be the pure opposite of bad, i.e. good. So she indiscriminately hates all humans, but what about humans that act like her? Humans that appeal to her style? Give her more hobbies too! Everything she does is so singular that she is a walking trope with no character or personality outside of 'evil', which is a shame because villains should not be twisting mustaches and being cliche and torturous. She feels weak and forgettable, another b-list villain, and she is never going to make an impact on your audience if she doesn't have something that gives them an emotion other than bored. She is so, so cliche! Even if she is only the secondary villain, she seems to be nothing more than a pretty accessory for this Tristan guy with no goals or agency outside of him. Give her more life, more good traits, something that humanizes her. I know she's not a human, but that doesn't mean we can't have things in her that aren't humanizing. In Christianity, demons are the embodiment of sin, but there is nothing more human than these sins. Play that to your advantage! In the show Fullmetal Alchemist, you have characters explicitly based off of the seven sins, and yet they're all painfully human, even when we know they're not. Envy wants what humans have, as does Greed, and these can be very pure things, which makes the scenes with them in it all the more engaging. I really think you need to look her over really carefully. What does she do for your plot that a well trained dog couldn't? Don't let her be a sexy lamp in the background to assist your villain.
On to Xylas;
They run into the same problem as Mina. There is no substance, no tying in to flaws and personality, so I'm left with a character who sounds… off? They're clever and honest and courageous, all good traits, but overemotional? How do these flaws work together? It's not that they can't, it's that I'm left with puzzle pieces that theoretically fit together, but I might need glue instead. They're supposed to be more brain than brawn, but emotional doesn't scream brainy to me. Are they good at hiding these abundant emotions? Do they struggle? Are they prone to outbursts or silent break downs? Also, they go from dictatorship to anarchism. Just… what? That's such a 180 that it hurts my head. It's perfectly possible! Don't get me wrong, this can be pulled off. But a lot of their character has to change and break and be rectified to come to this point. The thought process really needs to be there. Also, like Mina, the motivation is basic. It pertains to the plot and that's it.
I think the main problem with these characters is that they sound like a singular character trait and they have no personality outside of what is necessary for the plot. Characters are tools to progress a story, yes, but they shouldn't feel like that. They shouldn't feel so singular and trope filled. Instead of sounding like fleshed out beings, they sound like a means to an end, and that makes them very forgettable. Good luck with your webcomic, though!
scarborough Let's get started;
Well, she certainly has an appearance that will make her hard to forget! I like that, it sticks out. It's not a classy look, but it is a really good one, and I like it lots. Her mannerisms are good, though I wouldn't consider any of them subtle gestures. In fact, they're all the movements of someone who is really comfortable in their own skin and shows it frequently. I like the flaws you've built out for her, and how her deepest flaw is her greatest strength. It's one of my favorite things to do, and it's a classic seeing as many Greek and Shakespearean tales use this idea. It makes her feel more human. However, I would utilize the personality tab! It helps to see more of her good traits. Objectively, I already know she sounds like a good person, but that tab can be really good for tying in how her flaws work with her virtues. I love, love LOVE the backstory. There is clearly so much depth and thought put into this girl and my heart already aches for her. I think you're doing very well! Overall, I don't really have much to critique. Play up the angst when you're writing your story and you're sure to have a good one on your hands! Good luck!
@Snowmirror thank you so much!! i really appreciate the feedback - i'll keep both these key notes in mind for the next time i update/edit her character page to flesh her out a bit more. thank you, again!
This is my bean Lucas. Thanks!
Thank you! I'll go through some things and maybe you can tell me if they're good.
Mina: I changed some things in the nature sections like her personality type is "Elegant, Vivacious, Allocentric, Cheerful, Uncomplaining" now. Her flaws are the same. She is extremely loyal to Tristan. She believes he's doing right and only questions him once (still figuring out that part). The character that she fights with the most (at least I believe) is really flawed. She doesn't care about humans at all. She believes they are all weak and unworthy of life. She'd not really care about people who act like her, she either brushes it off or assumes they are trying to be like her. The hobbies are now "Partying, Teasing, Xylas and Kaden, Smoking, Having sex (or doing anything sexual)" There's probably a lot more I can do to make her better but that's all I can see for now.
(Also, you calling her a sexy lamp made me laugh way to hard. I thank you for that)
Xylas: They're good at hiding their emotions for the most part. Once and a while they'll just explode but that's not often. They do tend have mental breakdowns when they're alone as well. They keep their emotions in check while working, even if they are on the verge of an outburst. Once they're done though, all hell breaks loose. Yeah, I know it's an extreme change but I think what happens to them makes it possible. That wasn't always their motivation, they originally were all for the Dark Being but something happened that completely changed their view. Hopefully, it'll be explained better in the story.
Yeah, I hope to make them better. You really helped! Again, thank you!
If you can I'd love some feedback on them!
I really want to make sure Oliver isn't "too perfect" so any flaws you think would be good for him would be very appreciated!
I have three I'd like critiqued, if you can. Thanks!
Be gentle with my babies, they're very sensitive
@TheMusicalVampire Here we go!
Already, I can tell that this is a really thought out character. Normally, I critique having a singular motivation, but for a character in his position, it actually has a lot of impact. It makes him seem more desperate in his situation, the kind of desperation a depressed person usually has. But I have a few fears with him, too. Everything about him is about his depression and suicidal tendencies, which (and I hate to use this word) is kind of problematic. Even in my darkest days of depression, I was still someone outside of it. People aren't just their mental illness, no matter how bad it is, but I can't discern the kind of person he would be if he didn't have it. His entire personality and world is built around it. It's fine if he feels like his depression is all he is, that's very common for people who have that mental illness, but you MUST make sure your reader doesn't feel that way. They should be able to see who he is outside of it, even if he can't, and cheer for him to get better and develop. There has to be something that screams "This is Lucas!" outside of his depression. Furthermore, I'm not too sure about the handling of asexuality. It being caused by an event (i.e. the treatment from the girl) would make sense in affecting his worldview and dealing with relationships, but sexuality? It feels odd. If this interaction never happened, would he have been asexual? Even if I hadn't met the girl I had a crush on in middle school, I still would have found out I was bisexual. It doesn't make much sense for a sexuality to be caused by an event, because that sounds like it can be undone. But maybe it does work like this! I don't know much about asexuality (you could be ace yourself and I have no clue and am just babbling) but make sure you have research and sensitivity readers (especially if you're not!) Overall, I really like him and I really want to see him develop into a strong person who isn't defined by this one part of him.
@wwmoxie Then let's start with Oliver~
So, I am seeing a bit of a problem. He's 'chill unless you piss him off' but that rings true of like… everyone, ever. I'm nice until I'm not. I'm asleep until I'm not. See the problem? It doesn't really say much about him. His flaws do not make him out to be a chill person, at all, and I liked that when I first read that. I think if you play up this fiery side more, it could be really fun! Or make his aggression something of a personal demon for him. He can be chill, but really struggles to keep a lid on his temper, and it's something that embarrasses/makes him feel guilty/beats down on his pride. People don't like being known as 'the angry one', so maybe it bothers him a lot and he struggles with it. How much does he care about other's perception of him? His social status? He feels like he doesn't belong with anyone, which sounds self-conscious, so I think making him struggle with himself would be interesting. As far as motivations go, on top of the one you put down, you should put his overarching motivation for the plot of your story. Multiple motivations are good because they make your characters easier to root for. Harry Potter's big motivation is getting rid of Voldemort, but he has little ones like 'do well in school' and 'get points for his house'. Just top on a big one or another small one, whichever. Feel free to go into more depth in his history! There's no need for short sentences unless its something you're still working out. Overall, he's a real cutie that needs a tad more work.
Like Oliver, Lila needs a motivation that pulls into the plot and, perhaps, conflicts with Oliver's motivations. I like her personality a lot though! I think her insecurity is relatable and plays well with her cold persona. If you really want her to bounce off of Oliver, you've done a good job, especially if Oliver is as insecure as he comes off in his personality. I don't think she needs as much work because she feels really grounded in reality!
I like them both~ And the cute little details you put in parenthesis next to things they like really helps add to them. They sound like people! Good luck with them!
I'll get to you tomorrow, Sol. For now, I sleep!
She's not all the way done…. but can you tell me what you think so far?
@Snowmirror
Thank you so much for your critique!
What you pointed out is very valid and I will make sure to make according changes!
Thank you again!
Alright Sol, let's do this (and I'm also going to try to lowkey format my responses);
Keegan
Ell
Rory
@Kipperly_Chan
The character is private! Sorry!
@Snowmirror thank you so, so much! I'll try and integrate this
Would appreciate any help.