Hi! You do a really good job with these, so I'm asking you to please critique mine? Don't sugarcoat anything. I have four characters, but you don't have to do all of them if you don't want to, I understand you're probably busy!
Your mannerisms tab is filled with more… personality and developmental traits? Mannerisms should include things like 'taps his foot when anxious' or 'runs hands through hair a lot'. Little physical tics that add to the character. I mean, as part of the personality, it's good, but it's not what mannerisms mean. So this isn't really a character critique lol
The motivations are good! They change with him instead of working against him. It's really good and mature when a character's motivations change with them. Some writers are afraid of losing whatever that central motivation to a character is, as if they'll lose the character themselves, so it's nice to see you aren't shying away from that.
I appreciate that emotional dependency is put as a flaw. Like, a lot.
The talents are all cool and well, but does he have anything else? Mundane, silly talents that he has no need for? I feel like we're all good at things that we don't care about and it adds to the character. Clearly there are some very serious and heavy things occurring in this story, so an offhand little talent can add some levity to it.
On that note, hobbies? Did you not fill that out? They're essential to a character. Even if he never participated or tried these hobbies, what sort of hobbies would he have if things weren't constantly going to shit?
I like that he's protective of people and let's power go to his head. He sounds like he could be dangerously overbearing, believing only he can save/protect/fix a problem for his loved ones. Seeing his history, does he have trust issues because of what happened? If so, that might be something you want to put down. If he does have trust issues, it would make sense that he can't even trust the people he loves to take care of themselves or something, and believe only he can protect them.
Overall, really good! I enjoyed reading about him and don't have major critiques!
@alanye Aw, thanks! They're lots of fun to do, so I'd be happy to look at all four! Also I have no life so of course I have time to do all of them :,D
Adarius
"His is so attractive. What a handsome man." <– This has me in tears for some reason??? Good lines my dude
This man… is so wholesome…. I'm already so endeared to him. Quick question, however. He's the groups strategist, so he's intelligent, but what kind of intelligence are we talking? I like to break it into three subgroups of intelligence; book smarts, people smarts, and cleverness. As a strategist, I'd imagine he's the first and last one, but it'd be nice to know which ones he holds the most of. It just helps break down his character and add to him more. He's overwhelmingly more good than flawed, which works in his favor. You aren't heaping on TOO much drama before we even get to know the guy, and he's reasonably 'the good guy' which I really like.
Your politics tab made me think of the D&D alignment chart for some reason? That'd be an interesting thing to sort your characters into! I very much like him, though, no major critiques for him!
Courtney
You're very descriptive with your characters. I love it! Motivations are good. Again, with the intelligence, it'd be nice to see it broken down into what he's best at (people, books, cleverness). Is his quietness felt as a calm presence by others, or a little more like a ticking time bomb? Does he acknowledge these anger problems? Do they bother him? What is he outside of quiet and anger? I kind of wish there was a little more to him than these two traits, even though he is fairly well rounded as a character.
So he's indiscriminate of people as long as they don't support Uvblanda. How do his morals play past that? What ARE his morals? Where does he draw a line in these allies? How much does he care? What is he willing to do for revenge? What lines will he cross? (I phrase most of my critiques as questions, just to help stimulate responses when you read this. If you struggle with a question, it probably is a trait that needs revision!)
I see meat is his favorite food. Is it also Adarius'? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) (okay rip ignore my attempt at shitty jokes)
What's high school like in his world?
Does he have any insecurities from the way he was treated as a child? Victims of abuse tend to have a few, things ingrained from their parents, though not all. I'm just curious because I don't feel like his personality is reflective of this past. Maybe he's just really good at coping.
Li
So, she wants to prove she's big and strong and treated like an adult and all this jazz… but she's not a child. She's 18. Court is only 22. Isn't it, like, SUPER unfair if they're treating her as a kid, even if she acts like it? She's the kid of the crew, but be careful about infantilizing her. She is an adult like the rest of them, no matter how hyper she is, and if you (and the rest of the cast) constantly treat her like she's twelve instead, it can become irksome and you'll have an audience shouting at her to grow up (or for the others to back off if it's unjust.) I would just tow this carefully. There's nothing wrong with the kid of the group, but don't let that be her soul identity. The ages aren't disparagingly different, so it should slide off in a still adult/adult conversation way instead of literal adult/child. Other than, she's good! I'm not sure if she's as intriguing as the other two, but that's probably a personal preference on my end rather than a solid critique.
Mariah
Of all the characters, she comes off the most willing to toss morals to the wind to get what she wants. Is this intentional? I like it!
Her personality is a bit much. Laid back but adventurous, proud but unable to keep a straight face. They're not bad all together, but I think the traits need to be tightened up a bit because I'm having a hard time picturing the things she'd say and do. Still very well done!
Overall, you have a talent for making good characters and I don't think there are major problems with any of them. You can kinda see I ran out of steam halfway through the critique >.>; but hopefully you like it anyway! Good luck!
Kitsune!! I'm a little biased, but I absolutely LOVE kitsune!! They're so fun and complex~~
Unfortunately, a lot of Momo is… not. She's really, really simple, and not in a good way. Her motivations are thin. Sure, that can drag her anywhere in the plot, but outside of this what else gets her going? What upsets her? What drives her? What breaks her? Just being there for her family tells me nothing about her.
Her flaws are also just kind of basic. There's no real damage to having these flaws. They aren't going to get her in trouble or get her into fights. They just kind of exist beside her, like being clumsy or having glasses, and don't mean anything to her character. She's too perfect. She's too Mary Sue.
She's "seemingly" shy and quiet. Does that mean she really isn't? How much of her is a facade? What's real about her? What's 'seemingly' not? She's not very special or compelling, and that's a shame.
Why is politics left blank? She's a princess!!! You don't get to not have an opinion about politics if you're heir to the throne. The president's children have to have opinions on politics, and they probably won't ever be involved in politics. This makes no sense! She's upset that she doesn't get to be the heir. Why be upset if you have NOTHING to say about politics? There must be something! This is too important to leave blank.
She's a kitsune, right? I implore you to really dig into what these creatures about. Now, she doesn't have to follow what myths say about kitsune or their personality, but the myths DO give very interesting and devilish creatures and can expose a side of her that's a lot more intriguing than what I'm reading here. For example, kitsune don't have much in the way of right and wrong. They don't follow morality. They're tricksters and do as they please. BUT, if you do a favor for them, they will repay that debt, no matter what. It might even kill them if they don't. And they are extremely vengeful and petty if you slight them in any way. There are so many sides to these creatures (dark, light, debts) that make them interesting. And with Momo, I see not even a hint of that.
In fact, why is she a kitsune? What does that actually add to your plot or her character? It says she was bullied for it, but you could find several normal reasons for why she was bullied and take that out entirely. It looks like being a kitsune was sort of tacked on with no reason or rhyme. She needs more work.
Mina
I kinda wanna know the backstory of her nickname…
Motivation is a problem. Your character can be a freeloader, a wanderer, and not really know what they want, but they HAVE to have motivations. There must be something. A directionless character simply cannot drive your story. No motivations mean no goals, and no goals mean no struggle, which means no story to tell. There MUST be more than this.
Flaws are better here, but add more. Impulsivity is always a fun flaw to have. But this and her personality are just not enough. I don't know enough about her from this profile, and she feels empty. A little better than Momo, but not enough.
Prejudices needs to have something. Everyone has them. No one is perfect.
Maybe more hobbies?
Again, she's a queen, but nothing put down in the politics tab? It just doesn't make sense. People who DON'T run countries have opinions on how to run countries. You can't sit there and have no opinion or motivation for the country, or else you are going to be overthrown by someone that does. Your character needs a vision for the future. The whole story can be about her struggling to find this vision and figure it out, but it needs to happen. It cannot be this blank slate until her coronation or the end. It needs to happen if you want to grab the reader and make them care about the character at all.
Overall, they both need more, and you really need to dive into the politics of your characters. They're both leaders. They have to have opinions. Make them less perfect, less one dimensional, and you'll have a good footing in a good cast. Good luck!
He's half Asian but like… where. Asia is huge. Half Japanese? Half Indian? Russian? His name isn't an indicator of it either, and neither is his skin tone. Medium… what? Brown? Does he appear more Caucasian or more of whatever his other half is? Edit: Okay, now I see his mom is Chinese in his history. Still, you might want to fix that in his beginning profile.
Motivations are good! I like that you put them in order of priority, it helps speak to who he is as a character.
His personality and flaws are fine. I feel like something is missing from making him real or relatable, but I can't put my finger on it. He's a little too typical of a protagonist, I suppose, but that's not a problem. It just kind of speaks to my craving of weirdly flawed edge lords OTL.
Also, he's too trusting but takes first impressions seriously. So… is he just really shitty at figuring people out from first impressions? Is he bad at telling when people lie? A lot of people lie in first impressions. White lies, big lies.
He doesn't sound mature to me. Not that he's childish! I would just peg him for the naive type after reading through his profile. I never really think of boy next door as mature. Characters from TV shows like Archie (Riverdale) and Scott (Teen Wolf) and those sorts tend to be more naive. They've got a good handle on situations when they need to, but ultimately their youth shows a lot, and often.
His history seems fine enough though. Not a bad character!
That… that name. It's Celaena Sardothien all over again. I suppose it's not bad, but it's a bit of a headache to read, so either put the pronunciation next to it or be aware that it might take some readers out of the story whenever they have to read it.
I don't know what's normal in weight for kg either. Look up a weight chart. There are several distributed online by renowned health sources that should help you. If she's fit and athletic, you should account for extra muscle weight, and she'll probably be above average weight because of this.
Well, doesn't she sound fun at parties! Survival, adventure, fun… This could get you into some really good morally gray scenes. And I like her flaws! Learning to have a bigger heart is a classic character arc that's always super satisfying in the end. Don't forget that most development is a 'two steps forward, one step back' situation!
Does she have any useless talents? Really good at skipping stones? Origami? Stuff she would never normally do but can just /do/? Same thing with hobbies. In her free time, there has to be something outside of 'being a badass' that she does. Maybe she likes jump rope. I dunno, just something.
Her personality is pretty good! I tell this to everyone I review, but be really careful about making her just that one personality type. She can't JUST be a fiendish woman. You said part of her character arc is putting friends first, but who would want to be friends with this woman? Why would anyone put in the effort? There has to be something redeemable or desirable in her. As fun as she sounds, she definitely sounds like someone I would also like to walk far, far away from. Why is she worth the characters time? Afterall, it's not their job to make her a better person. That's a her problem, not a them problem.
Does she draw any lines in her job? Would she kill children? Would she work for a known rapist? There are some things that don't make your character badass, but awful. Killing children is generally one of them, so make sure there are firm lines for the readers to follow, even if she is morally gray.
Is she over the top? Perhaps. Some of the titles and lines ("She is fire and steel. she is power." and "Steel Forged in Magma") are definitely over the top, bordering laughable, but it can work. Just remember, she has to live up to whatever titles and names you give her. That all lies in the power of show don't tell. Don't tell the readers she's this fire, show them. Don't rely on other character's opinions of her, make your readers have that opinion. It can be done, and it can be done /well/. Good luck with her!
He's half Asian but like… where. Asia is huge. Half Japanese? Half Indian? Russian? His name isn't an indicator of it either, and neither is his skin tone. Medium… what? Brown? Does he appear more Caucasian or more of whatever his other half is? Edit: Okay, now I see his mom is Chinese in his history. Still, you might want to fix that in his beginning profile.
Motivations are good! I like that you put them in order of priority, it helps speak to who he is as a character.
His personality and flaws are fine. I feel like something is missing from making him real or relatable, but I can't put my finger on it. He's a little too typical of a protagonist, I suppose, but that's not a problem. It just kind of speaks to my craving of weirdly flawed edge lords OTL.
Also, he's too trusting but takes first impressions seriously. So… is he just really shitty at figuring people out from first impressions? Is he bad at telling when people lie? A lot of people lie in first impressions. White lies, big lies.
He doesn't sound mature to me. Not that he's childish! I would just peg him for the naive type after reading through his profile. I never really think of boy next door as mature. Characters from TV shows like Archie (Riverdale) and Scott (Teen Wolf) and those sorts tend to be more naive. They've got a good handle on situations when they need to, but ultimately their youth shows a lot, and often.
His history seems fine enough though. Not a bad character!
-I based his appearance from Tadashi Hamada ("Big Hero 6") and his VA, Daniel Henney.
-Yes, he's not an excellent judge of character. He can't tell when people lie. So when people lie to him when they first met, he believes them.
-Ahh yes, he's naive in the sense that he can trust anyone who never inflict harm on him, his family & friends. He's mature in the sense that he knows he has responsibilities to do: working, be a productive individual, contribute to society, etc.
Thanks for the thoughts & inputs. They're really helpful!! :D
~General Update~
To everyone who is thanking me, no problem! Sorry I didn't answer individual messages or anything. Those who updated their characters after critiques; they look really good now! I'm honored that anyone would take my feedback to heart, and I'm glad to see all these characters grow. Also, thank you for clearing things in your responses when I was confused. And thank you for sending me your characters! I'm still up for doing more~
I like that her hair color/style changes when she's Halcyon. That's pretty neat! Her motivations are an interesting dichotomy. Vengeance is such a strong, aggressive word that I have no doubt you mean, but it gives her a duality that makes me think it's hard to find the "real her" in her personality. I do really like that she's a superhero who thinks in black and white, and that you portray that as clearly a problem. She's pretty fleshed out, I'd say, so there isn't too much to critique.
I suppose I can also say to be careful with impulsive characters. They're common with female protagonists and can edge into really unlikeable when they act stupid and impulsive TOO often. And as for her intelligence, what kind are we talking? Organizational skills (which is what you would need to manage a crazy life, really) is just one kind of intelligence. Is she good with people? Is she street smart? How good is she in class? Have things gotten easier for her lately with managing this double life, or harder? I would rarely rank impulsive characters as intelligent when it comes to the pragmatics of, say, planning out missions, because even if they can plan out a mission they almost always toss it to the side, so these are a few things you may want to think about.
Ethan
His flaws are okay, but I guess I would like a little more? Seeing as he is the cautious one, I think it would make sense if he had the pragmatic planning skills to balance out the duo of him and Andrea. This is a bit of my personal bias coming in, but I adore the leader/tactician duo. You have the one equipped for leading the group, good with people and speeches, and then their companion who struggles a bit more with people, but is smart enough to pull everyone out of a poor situation. Be careful to not give Andrea every good trait in a dynamic possible! It's good that his caution balances out her impulsiveness. You say it can be bad in battles, but so can her flaw.
I like sweet guys, but he's a little plain. He's a little too 'boy next door' and I'm not really sold on him. Give him something that makes him stand out and become more than 'cautious and gentle'.
Luke
Like Ethan, I think Luke lacks something that makes him stand out. He's all 'oh no I'm the bad boy with a sad past' and that's kind of it. I like that he's a mischief maker more than a real villain, but I feel like there should be something else. Overall, he's the kind of guy you expect. And I'm assuming you're setting up a love triangle here? He (like Ethan) need to be able to spice up the situation somehow.
Seeing as Luke and Ethan don't get along, I think you should have a deeper, more philosophical strife between them. Like, they disagree on respecting authority, and probably have tiffs over Andrea, but there can be more than that! If Ethan came from an equally sad past but ended up being a better, more lawfully defined person than Luke, then you would have the interesting dynamic of 'what does your past excuse'? Of course Luke has a sad past, I saw that coming, but if Ethan also had this struggle he might be able to see himself on the high ground over Luke. And maybe that's a good thing! Sad pasts aren't excuses for bad things, they are explanations. And hey, Luke won't hurt people, but maybe there is a situation that makes Ethan hurt someone, so they have more of a duality to the situation, because you wouldn't expect that of nice guy Ethan. And that can help with Andrea, who views the world in black and white, and sees this 'good' person do bad things while this 'bad' person refuses to cross those lines. It wouldn't villainize Ethan, but it would make him complex. I dunno, I'm spitballing at this point. Good luck with your trio!!
I see that you have done many of these so far and are very through with your responses, if you would be willing to take a look at my first hero I'm making I would appreciate it. I have much of his personality figured out, possibly more than I've written out, but I'd like to see if there's more I could add still. Thanks in advance!
The mannerism section is more for the physical actions of your character rather than personality itself. What does he do when he is nervous? Excited? Sad? Generally, that's what you would put here.
So, his biggest problem is his pride, but his motivations don't really show that. You would think someone who is proud wouldn't need to prove themselves. Prideful people don't feel like they need to prove anything because they already believe themselves capable in many aspects. I think pride is one of the hardest flaws to write because we live in a culture of humiliation (my writing is mediocre, I'm not that good at drawing, etc.) but it can be done! Maybe find a way to rework this. What exactly is he proud of? Is there something in specific that sets off his pride? Is he proud of his actions/smarts? Appearance? Perception?
You should probably have something for prejudice. We all have them, even if we don't like them, and many of us have prejudices that we slowly unlearn. It's humanizing to see a character with prejudices. Some a reasonable, some aren't, and that's just human.
Give him more than one hobby! Hobbies, like prejudices, are good for humanizing and fleshing out the world. It gives them character outside of your story and makes them feel like they existed prior to the beginning of your novel.
His personality is fine, but for flaws you can totally add the fact that he probably has trust issues because of how he was treated. It would be totally reasonable coming from his treatment and past. This is definitely a guy with some baggage!
He's developed, but I think you can dig deeper in a few areas. Good luck with Carter!
Awesome, thanks so much for the critique, this will help a lot! Now I just have to figure out what kind of prejudices he might have lol that and I see what you mean about pride vs his need to prove himself, I think I'll keep the latter and make the pride just a facade.
These two are the main husband/wife duo in this musical I'm writing… could you critique them? I'd like to know what I should do to make them a convincing couple, how I can make them strong characters in their own right, etc.
hey howdy hi im looking for many different people to critique this boi until there is nothing left to add like honestly be ruthless with him im gonna focus all the critiques on him so that i can use it as a basis for the rest of my characters thank u
Sorry for late replies, everyone! I've been sick, but I'm better now so back to critiquing, starting with Matt's character!
Eden
I think she's a bit scrawny for her weight? I have the same build as her (ectomorph) and am 5'1", but I weigh over 100lbs. I dunno, I think she comes in under more than she should, but it's not a major discrepancy.
So, you've written very little about her in general. She's shy, overemotional, loyal and quiet. And that's it? Her flaws are pretty typical of shy people, in fact all of her is pretty typical. What makes this girl tick? What makes her stand up? Open up? What growth will she go through? She's too cookie cutter. Where does her loyalty lie? How far will she go in the name of loyalty? Will loyalty corrupt her? Is her moral compass based on those she is loyal to, or her own? How much of her opinion is determined by her versus what others tell her? You could also put loyalty down as a flaw if she becomes blindly loyal to people.
There isn't enough for me to critique because there isn't much written about her. She's very barebones and hardly intriguing. I think you should add more for a compelling character!
@lonnielei Man, do I love couples! Let's see what we have here~
Louis
Hmmm, I get being skinny after a war, but being 5'9" and 100lbs? I mentioned this in a critique prior, but I'm 5'1" and over 100lbs AND skinny. You might want to up it or else he's going to look extremely malnourished and worrisome. Like, can't walk on his own legs because his bones can't support him anymore kind of malnourished.
His motivations are really good! And his flaw totally makes sense. As far as prejudices go, wouldn't it make sense for it to be extended to all Japanese people? I know that sounds horrible, but with PTSD and dealing with what he did, I feel like it would make sense if his reaction was poor like that, because the brain develops moralities in ways that can be horrible.
He's got a very fleshed out personality!
His politics sound pretty intense. I can't imagine ever being that faithful to a politician, but it's interesting that he, as a soldier, would. I don't know if you've read The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien, but I really recommend it if you're going to write a character like this! It's written by someone who went to Vietnam and what he experienced. It's a very emotional read.
Cynthia
Again, the weight is pretty under. You should look up a weight chart for the average weight of a woman who is 5'8".
Interesting motivations there. I feel the need to point out that it's very common for couples to have one that wants to 'fix' the other, typically the woman trying to fix the man. Be careful with this, as it is no woman's (or man's) job to fix their partner, even if they want to, and that can become an unhealthy fixation. Wanting someone to get better and helping them through it is one thing. Wanting to fix them entirely is a very, very different thing.
Okay, considering the time period she was born in, she HAS to have prejudices (I'm assuming this is a work set in our world in the past. I totally forgot how to access universes to read the overview, I'm so sorry if I'm wrong). Prejudices were just so ingrained in society back then, especially if you were part of the rich white upper class. It was just an unavoidable part of life. It wasn't racism or sexism, it just was. It existed. It was normal. During this time, you had social Darwinism and the remnants of yellow journalism. You DEFINITELY had sexism. There must be something ingrained in her mind (and Louis' too) that she can't shake because no one in society is telling her its wrong.
Overall, they're well thought out! They're developed and they have struggles. You want a strong couple? They have to give as much as they take. They have to be willing to sacrifice for each other, but not martyr themselves for each other. There have to be lines not crossed, communication maintained and general good will behind their actions. They have to be relevant outside of each other, people before they met the other, and they have to be able to break away and not fall apart. Then, I think you'll have a good couple!
@"Aloe Vera" That sounds like a pretty interesting plan there. Just remember, your opinion will always matter way more than some critique person on the internet, so take everything with a grain of salt!
Yuki
As far as motivations go, you can tack on a few more to really flesh him out. People have multiple desires and motives that pull them in multiple directions. It's just a fault of life.
His hobby is cute and all, but give him some real ones! Things he would do outside of the story you're telling, things he would enjoy. For example, reading books should be a hobby instead of a talent, unless he has a talent for reading and finishing books he really hates or reads really fast.
Ah, the classic MBTI. It's controversy for some writers, but I think it does a great job of giving you a base/skeleton to build your characters off of. I love the difference of his public face vs his private face. He sounds like you put a lot of effort into him!
Anarchism as a political stance is extreme. Like, extreme extreme. I feel like many people put this down to show that their characters don't like government, but anarchism sort of endorses things like casual murder and theft because there are NO rules. It's the law of the strongest and most capable. It's about taking care of yourself. I don't think this political system really suits a gold-hearted guy like Yuki. You should reconsider it.
Seeing his occupation, I can kind of understand his anarchism stance, but still. People who have any sort of disability or deviation from the norm would be at high risk in a society like that.
He's a good character! I don't have anything else to say~
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