forum Another 'Pass the Story!' Have fun!

Started January 15, 2018 by @Astrid

tune

Obviously he hadn't, then FINALLY after a long pause, he said "I'm surprised you don't remember me, after all we did kind of save the world together."

I needed air. So, outside I ventured (Away from Mr. Don't-Feed-Me-Tea-If-I'm-Sleeping) , into the brisk dawn. The moon hung like a glorious orb over the horizon. I sighed sadly, and pondered over life's deepest questions. Should I have painted my room such a shade of red? Are scallops really fish meat? And do these pants make me look fat?
It was then, that from the shimmering brush beside, that a muscular figure emerged. His hulking body shimmered like the ocean, glistening with the salty spray of sweat. His chin jutted out handsomely, with a little indent within the tip. His figure was not of a man, but the green glory of an ogre; I gasped, as a tattoo scrawled across his rippling chest came to me. It was my long lost departed, my one, and only, Shrek. The only change being the constant flow of luxurious locks that swept across his broad shoulders. Veins rippled down his built biceps, shuddering in the breeze that swept over.

Unfortunately, I was lesbian now. "Hey Shrek my dude," I said, lounging against a conveniently placed column. "Greetings," he said in a rumbling voice. His muscles flexed randomly and his shirt burst open. "Oh, fooey," he grumbled.

"It's not such a bad look," I say. I lied, of course. It's a terrible look. Especially with those…locks. I shiver with revulsion.

Shrek. How many adventures have we had, across the countryside, battling not only fearsome creatures, each other and hell, mother nature as well. How many nights did we sleep in the mud when we failed to read the weather signs that called for rain? How many days did we travel across the great sands with barely a container of water for one of us to drink? How many ways had we said no to each other, until I realized why I had to leave?

He looks up at me, seeming to sense my the topic of my melodramatic inner monologue. "No," he says, "it's a terrible look," and I want to cry with how well he knows me.

I jumped away as a seal teleported right in front of me and barked.

I squinted at the seal suspiciously. "Arnold, is that you?" I asked.

The seal barks again. White tugs at the corners of my eyes. "Whatswrong…with my…head?" I slur. The ground rushes up to meet my falling form. "Mortals can't wrap their minds around magic, you fool" Is the last coherent sentence I understand before the white takes over.

I awake to a sight as horrifying as it is beautiful. It is Shrek, and Arnold is braiding his hair.

"Who, or what for that matter, was the voice was from before," I ponder as I slowly try to sit up, but fail to as I seem to be encased in some sort of New Age technological retaining device.

"You know, old school methods work just as well… what, tying me to a chair instead of bonding me with the floor is too much for you?"

Shrek looked over at me. "Honestly, it just looks cooler this way," he said.

"Why the hell am I here?" I say, straining.

"I don't know," he said, and turned to Arnold. "Why is she here?"

Arnold just made a noise that generally communicated 'I don't know' and went back to braiding Shrek's hair.

"Arnold doesn't know," Shrek said, turning back to me.

"I can see that," I said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Shrek simply shrugged. "Well, you never know with blind people."

I was silent for a moment, simply staring at him with a mixture of awe and disgust. How had I ever loved a creature of such profound idiocy? "Shrek," I said slowly, "I'm not blind."

"What?" He asks, genuine confusion all over his face.
"I'm not blind" I repeat even slower, working one hand out of the electronic cuff that was left too loose.

"No, no, that can't be. I distinctly remember you being blind," he says, frown creasing his very large, very green forehead.

I raise an eyebrow at him as he continues to babble about how he's certain, positively certain that I'm blind—really, truly blind—and have always been blind, or no, maybe I became blind on that trip we made to outer space, a trip I'm fairly sure never happened.

The cuff gave on my left arm, I was always clever at releasing that side first, but the right posed a problem time after time. Well, after the third time I found myself in handcuffs I invested in a lazer ring which came in handy at times like this.

Only the first time I tried to use it I burned out my eyeball and had to have a new one surgically attached. My parents took the ring away after that. Unfortunately.

Fortunately, I felt it in my back pocket because my parents were dead. I silently lasered the other cuff off and carefully pull out my knives. I wouldn't kill him, just stun.

Honestly I had no idea that stunning was possible with knives, or that I even had any, but hey, gotta go with the flow.

In this day and age guns are not only able to be 'set to stun' but knives are as well, thankfully. What would we do without that setting! It's almost like an electrical shock to most people, pushes the attackers for a loop - gives you a minute to really run away or set up your next attack mode. I hoped that this time it would stun him, and I could make my next move.

ANYWAYS I hit Shrek over the head with the butt of my dagger because though I am a very sassy and sophisticated woman, I have no earthly idea how to work the settings on this knife, and he just kind of looked at me like maybe I'd tapped him on the shoulder, then shrugged and let Arnold continue braiding his hair. Well. That was certainly not the reaction I'd been expecting. I shrugged and walked out to go get ice cream. I was so done with this day.

And being a woman, as eloquently said in the Emoji movie, "who don't need no man", I marched with a certain stomp in my step. Red hot blood pulsed through my angry veins, burning with a raw intensity that my love life lacked. Tears dribbled down my burning cheeks, puddling under my drooping chins. I was as done as chicken ashes, yet something deep inside me willed my to turn around. To face the hunk of an ogre that dangled behind me, as delicate as star light. Yet on I marched, tragically into the sunken sunset before myself. Ice cream was only a few miles away… I knew right there, that nothing would cure the tear in my heart. No songs about mining diamonds everyday, no compilations of people eating tide pods, or any memes of the dank sort. His image lie imprinted in my vulnerable mind… my first, my only– Steve Buscemi… with the hairline of Danny DeVito, the eyes of a sideways fish, and the smile of… well, a man who smiles.

I started laughing and then fell on the ground dead. Who knew when cancer would hit?