"You would think," I retorted, "For all that we've been through, the thing with the space ship, so many of our friends that we've seen married, and buried, well, buried figuratively, we can't bury people in space, that you think that I'm going believe that you suddenly change who you are eat my soul?"
His tendrils twitched, "oh, don't act so surprised. You knew it would come to this."
"And that is why I always carry an extra weapon. You taught me that, don't you remember?"
I finger my 25th-century laser katana and look him evenly in the eye.
"So I did" His hollow face stretches into what, on another universe, might pass for a smile.
"Touch me with your hideous tendrils. I dare you" I say firmly, ignoring the tremor of fear that vibrates my voice.
He moved slightly and I flinched. He laughed at my movement.
To think after all we'd been through I'd flinch at such a slight movement. I silently scolded myself. He continued to stare at me. What was he thinking showing up here again.
He grabbed me by the waist and pulled me close I closed my eyes because I couldn't bear to see what would happen next……
I waited. Nothing happened. Then I slowly opened my eyes, as soon as I did, he kissed me. I stared, too scared to move. What was this feeling? Fright? Surprise?
or love??
I stared at him he pulled me back towards him and kissed me again. I couldn't help but kiss back.
I HAD to stop this instant… But I couldn't, not only because I enjoyed this feeling. He had wrapped his tendrils tight around me, then it became dark. And then… Nothing.
Then I heard a gunshot and woke up nice and cozy in my bed.
What had happened? Had I time jumped again? There was only one way to find out.
then I realized I wasn't alone
It was him again
And he stared at me I looked around the room and saw a dead body on the floor it was my best friend from high school Oliver, I and him used to date and tears started streaming down my face.
He kissed them away and I jumped up in a furry. I screamed at him, the stranger, the MURDERER! Who did he think he was!
"HOW DARE YOU KISS ME!" I screech and leap out of the bed, grabbing for my laser. It's gone. In a desperate attempt, I close my hand around the dagger resting against my inner thigh and lunge, pinning him against the wall. He just smiles in a manically saccharine manner.
He kissed me again. What was up with this guy! Then he didn't resist just gently grabbed my waist and stared at me. I was infuriated! Where was I? What had happened to Oliver? Who the heck was he! Pressing the knife against his neck I demaded answers.
"What is with you kissing me all the time? That's just a jerk move, haven't you seen the tea & consent video?"
Obviously he hadn't, then FINALLY after a long pause, he said "I'm surprised you don't remember me, after all we did kind of save the world together."
I needed air. So, outside I ventured (Away from Mr. Don't-Feed-Me-Tea-If-I'm-Sleeping) , into the brisk dawn. The moon hung like a glorious orb over the horizon. I sighed sadly, and pondered over life's deepest questions. Should I have painted my room such a shade of red? Are scallops really fish meat? And do these pants make me look fat?
It was then, that from the shimmering brush beside, that a muscular figure emerged. His hulking body shimmered like the ocean, glistening with the salty spray of sweat. His chin jutted out handsomely, with a little indent within the tip. His figure was not of a man, but the green glory of an ogre; I gasped, as a tattoo scrawled across his rippling chest came to me. It was my long lost departed, my one, and only, Shrek. The only change being the constant flow of luxurious locks that swept across his broad shoulders. Veins rippled down his built biceps, shuddering in the breeze that swept over.
Unfortunately, I was lesbian now. "Hey Shrek my dude," I said, lounging against a conveniently placed column. "Greetings," he said in a rumbling voice. His muscles flexed randomly and his shirt burst open. "Oh, fooey," he grumbled.
"It's not such a bad look," I say. I lied, of course. It's a terrible look. Especially with those…locks. I shiver with revulsion.
Shrek. How many adventures have we had, across the countryside, battling not only fearsome creatures, each other and hell, mother nature as well. How many nights did we sleep in the mud when we failed to read the weather signs that called for rain? How many days did we travel across the great sands with barely a container of water for one of us to drink? How many ways had we said no to each other, until I realized why I had to leave?
He looks up at me, seeming to sense my the topic of my melodramatic inner monologue. "No," he says, "it's a terrible look," and I want to cry with how well he knows me.
I jumped away as a seal teleported right in front of me and barked.
I squinted at the seal suspiciously. "Arnold, is that you?" I asked.
The seal barks again. White tugs at the corners of my eyes. "Whatswrong…with my…head?" I slur. The ground rushes up to meet my falling form. "Mortals can't wrap their minds around magic, you fool" Is the last coherent sentence I understand before the white takes over.
I awake to a sight as horrifying as it is beautiful. It is Shrek, and Arnold is braiding his hair.