forum Three in Death and Two in Life (Come Read and Critique, please!)
Started by @ElderGod-Icefire
tune

people_alt 54 followers

@ElderGod-Icefire

So, I'm going to be writing a story on here, and would love some feedback on just about everything. I'll be putting out roughly a chapter a week. This is just for fun, but feedback on absolutely everything is great. WARNING: this story will contain possible triggering content, along with swearing, violence, and other things. If you read this, don't complain later if there is a violent or triggering scene. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

@SupernaturalSyGuy , @crocssant-is-tired , you guys both already volunteered to read, so I'm tagging you.

Character list:
Avitas Calon - Thief, part of the prophecy.
Rie - Avitas's best friend, also a thief. Scarred face
Josen - Runs the group that Avitas and Rie work for

Acenthianrae Samos-Valentin the Third (Ace) - Princess/Queen, part of the prophecy
Kalir - Ace's father figure and friend, owns the bar The Golden Star
Ro - Kalir's husband, Ace's secondary father figure and friend
Sita - Kalir's older sister, Ace's maternal figure and friend

James Donovan - Son of a rich businessman, part of the prophecy
Henri Donovan - James's father
Twosie - Droid owned by the Donovans

Tessa Montvier - Spy, part of the prophecy

VE-19-0/Orion - Abomination created by scientists, part of the prophecy
Doctor James Cartridge - One of the head scientists
Doctor Wilhelm Alistair - Another scientist

@ElderGod-Icefire

Prologue

"Five young people will be born in strife,
Three in death
and two in life.

Murderer
Mad
Matchless
Monster
Magical.
"

This was the prophecy whispered to a dying mother, her infant son cradled in her arms.
This was the prophecy whispered to a mother whose little girl lay covered in blood, the light going from her eyes.
This was the prophecy called to a father who held a healthy baby boy.
This was the prophecy given to scientists, as they created an abomination.
This was the prophecy that followed an orphan girl through the streets.

This was what they would grow up knowing. This was a fate that hung over their heads. It wasn't the prophecy in full, it could not be. But none knew the rest, for the sibyls refused to give it up.

The infant son whose mother died would grow up to become a thief.
The girl who everyone thought had died would grow up to become a spy.
The baby boy whose father cradled him became a successful and wealthy man.
The abomination made by scientists would never find peace.
The orphan girl became a queen.

@ElderGod-Icefire

Chapter One: Avitas

Avitas Calon, thief extraordinaire. Or at least, that was how the tall, brown-haired boy thought of himself as he slipped through the crowd, hands dipping into men's pockets and women's purses, their valuables disappearing into hidden pockets located on his person. He whistled as he went. Speeches like this, when everyone turned out to watch the queen give a speech? Prime time for pickpockets and thieves like himself to do their work. Everyone was crowded so close that it was easily done. Perhaps too easy.

His green eyes flicked through the crowd, landing on faces, marking their expressions. Some looked furious. Others looked so, so happy for Queen Aline's announcement. Some just looked passive. Others he recognized as fellow thieves, watching as their hands and arms flicked to pockets and purses. Crime ran rampant in the planet of Fivon, so not many came here. But this was the tourist sector, and the tourists were ripe for the picking.

He sighed as the speech ended, and wove his way through the crowd to leave. Another speech over. If I'm lucky, I picked enough to appease Josen for another few days. If I don't make enough, then… He shuddered at the thought, taking a peek at the missing finger on his left hand. He swallowed, and directed his eyes forward again.

"Avi!" Called a girl's voice. He turned, a smile lighting up his face, and he waved.

"Rie!" he greeted with a smile as she came close. She only came up to his chest, and seemed so short and tiny. But she, like him, was one of Josen's best dippers. And she too bore the marks of failure.

"Did you get a good crop today?" she asked conversationally as they walked back towards their headquarters.

He shrugged, keeping his eyes ahead. He hated seeing what Josen had done to the once-beautiful, happy girl beside him. "Yes, I think so. With any luck, it'll appease Josen's temper." he replied.

She nodded. Or at least, he thought she did. He wasn't looking to see. "Good. I think I did, as well. But that boy, Simon…I don't think he did."

Avitas sighed. "That's his problem, Rie. We can't take care of every newbie, and you know that. Last time we tried…" he trailed off, knowing she knew exactly what had happened last time. She had lost her left eye, and had a permanent smile carved into her pretty face. No man would look twice at her now, and even Avitas had a hard time meeting her gaze.

"I know. But he's so small…" she trailed off, and he knew that she was looking for Simon in the crowd.

"Look, if you want to help him, that's your business. But I can't afford to. I have to take care of myself and my sister, and I can't afford another mishap." the stump of his missing finger still gave him pain, and that had been his first warning from Josen of what happened when he failed. He never wanted to go through that, or anything like it, again. Ever. Ever. Not even for Rie.

Rie sighed. "Fine. I just…" she shook her head, and her hand slipped into his. "Avi, why won't you look at me? Is it because of…?"

Yes. "No, Rie, of course not. I just…" He floundered for a moment. He wasn't sure what to tell her, wasn't sure if she would believe him. "I'm sorry." he looked down at her, wincing as he took in the ravaged skin of her face, the cuts that had turned into ugly, raised scars on her cheeks. The sightless, ruined eye.

Rie looked up at him, and then looked away. "I know. I'm not…I'm not pretty anymore." a ghost of a smile flickered on her ruined mouth. "It isn't your fault, you know."

"Yes, it is. It was my idea, and you paid the price." Avitas argued, tearing a hand through his brown hair, making it stick up in greasy, unkempt strands. "Josen…" he shook his head, clenching his jaw.

"It was both of our idea, and I'm glad I paid the price instead of you." Rie said firmly. "If you had paid it…what would have happened to your sister? no. I'm glad it was me." she looked up at him, determination burning in the remaining eye. "Don't worry about me. I don't need my looks to succeed. I promise."

"Okay." he nodded. "Okay. We should hurry, before Josen decides we're late." he picked up their pace a little, squeezing Rie's hand gently as they walked. They had dated for a while. It hadn't worked out. But they were still good friends, and he would have done anything for her, just as he would have done anything for his sister.


"You think this…measly offering is enough?" Josen demanded, looming over Avitas.

Avitas swallowed dryly, eyes flicking to the knives strapped to the man's belt, his left hand twitching with remembered pain. "I uhm…there weren't many tourists today, sir. Not many with anything good. I'm sorry. I'll do better next time, I promise." he did his best to put his fear away, stuff it deep down inside where Josen couldn't see.

Josen turned back to his desk, to the map of the systems. "Avitas, Avitas, Avitas…" he clicked his tongue, disappointed. "Didn't you learn your lesson last time? I thought you would have."

Avitas looked away, then realized that that was a bad idea indeed, turning back to Josen. "I'm sorry. I learned my lesson, I promise." he didn't want to lose another finger, or worse. Josen took things that he knew the dippers valued the most. Avitas valued his hands. He was a musician and an artist, he needed his hands to play and paint and draw. Without his hands…what was he? He wouldn't have enough money for cybernetic replacements if Josen cut more fingers off, and it was already hard to play music while missing just the left pinky. He hated to think of how bad it would be if the bulky leader of their group took a second finger.

"Did you? Or do you need to learn what it's like to lose something precious again?" Josen asked in a dark tone. "Maybe your right hand, this time? Your dominant?"

Avitas swallowed, eyes flickering with fear. "No sir." he said quickly. "No sir, please I'm really, really sorry. It won't happen again, I swear. I swear, sir, next time I'll do better. I know that every time I don't bring in enough you're disappointed, and I promise it won't happen again." the words tumbled out, spurred by the fear that he would lose another finger, lose another bit of the thing that made him who he was.

Josen shook his head a little. "And how do I know you aren't lying to me, Avitas? Trying to save your own skin?" he pursed his lips, blue eyes cold as ice.

"No sir, not at all. I just…like I said, there weren't many tourists. But it's off-season right now, I'm sure that for the queen's next speech there will be far more. I'll even…I'll even bring in extra next time, to make up for this time." he replied quickly, looking up at Josen and biting his bottom lip worriedly. Please believe me. He thought desperately.

Josen looked at him for a long time. Long enough that Avitas felt his blood turn cold as he wondered if Josen was going to take a finger after all. "Fine. But you better bring in double next time, Avitas Calon, or I'm taking more than just a finger." Josen said in a threatening tone.

Avitas almost sagged with relief. "Right. Thank you, sir. May I go?"

Josen waved a hand. "Dismissed. Send in Rie, will you?"

Avitas nodded, leaving as fast as he could so that Josen wouldn't change his mind. "Rie, Josen wants you next." he said, gesturing the small girl to the door. Rie nodded, and went inside.

Avitas rubbed the stump of his pinky, breathing out a shaky sigh of relief. God, I thought I was going to lose my fucking finger again. He thought of the old piano waiting at home, and a small smile flickered over his face. He wanted to get home and play and play and play, and forget everything.

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

Prologue

"Five young people will be born in strife,
Three in death
and two in life.

Murderer
Mad
Matchless
Monster
Magical.
"

This was the prophecy whispered to a dying mother, her infant son cradled in her arms.
This was the prophecy whispered to a mother whose little girl lay covered in blood, the light going from her eyes.
This was the prophecy called to a father who held a healthy baby boy.
This was the prophecy given to scientists, as they created an abomination.
This was the prophecy that followed an orphan girl through the streets.

This was what they would grow up knowing. This was a fate that hung over their heads. It wasn't the prophecy in full, it could not be. But none knew the rest, for the sibyls refused to give it up.

The infant son whose mother died would grow up to become a thief.
The girl who everyone thought had died would grow up to become a spy.
The baby boy whose father cradled him became a successful and wealthy man.
The abomination made by scientists would never find peace.
The orphan girl became a queen.

The prophecy is interesting. You don't give much detail, but since this is just the prologue you can get away with it. However it would be nice to know what the people that receive the prophecy feel; describe things. Names of groups should be capitalized. It's not a bad start.

Chapter One: Avitas

Avitas Calon, thief extraordinaire. Or at least, that was how the tall, brown-haired boy thought of himself as he slipped through the crowd, hands dipping into men's pockets and women's purses, their valuables disappearing into hidden pockets located on his person. He whistled as he went. Speeches like this, when everyone turned out to watch the queen give a speech? Prime time for pickpockets and thieves like himself to do their work. Everyone was crowded so close that it was easily done. Perhaps too easy.

His green eyes flicked through the crowd, landing on faces, marking their expressions. Some looked furious. Others looked so, so happy for Queen Aline's announcement. Some just looked passive. Others he recognized as fellow thieves, watching as their hands and arms flicked to pockets and purses. Crime ran rampant in the planet of Fivon, so not many came here. But this was the tourist sector, and the tourists were ripe for the picking.

He sighed as the speech ended, and wove his way through the crowd to leave. Another speech over. If I'm lucky, I picked enough to appease Josen for another few days. If I don't make enough, then… He shuddered at the thought, taking a peek at the missing finger on his left hand. He swallowed, and directed his eyes forward again.

"Avi!" Called a girl's voice. He turned, a smile lighting up his face, and he waved.

"Rie!" he greeted with a smile as she came close. She only came up to his chest, and seemed so short and tiny. But she, like him, was one of Josen's best dippers. And she too bore the marks of failure.

"Did you get a good crop today?" she asked conversationally as they walked back towards their headquarters.

He shrugged, keeping his eyes ahead. He hated seeing what Josen had done to the once-beautiful, happy girl beside him. "Yes, I think so. With any luck, it'll appease Josen's temper." he replied.

She nodded. Or at least, he thought she did. He wasn't looking to see. "Good. I think I did, as well. But that boy, Simon…I don't think he did."

Avitas sighed. "That's his problem, Rie. We can't take care of every newbie, and you know that. Last time we tried…" he trailed off, knowing she knew exactly what had happened last time. She had lost her left eye, and had a permanent smile carved into her pretty face. No man would look twice at her now, and even Avitas had a hard time meeting her gaze.

"I know. But he's so small…" she trailed off, and he knew that she was looking for Simon in the crowd.

"Look, if you want to help him, that's your business. But I can't afford to. I have to take care of myself and my sister, and I can't afford another mishap." the stump of his missing finger still gave him pain, and that had been his first warning from Josen of what happened when he failed. He never wanted to go through that, or anything like it, again. Ever. Ever. Not even for Rie.

Rie sighed. "Fine. I just…" she shook her head, and her hand slipped into his. "Avi, why won't you look at me? Is it because of…?"

Yes. "No, Rie, of course not. I just…" He floundered for a moment. He wasn't sure what to tell her, wasn't sure if she would believe him. "I'm sorry." he looked down at her, wincing as he took in the ravaged skin of her face, the cuts that had turned into ugly, raised scars on her cheeks. The sightless, ruined eye.

Rie looked up at him, and then looked away. "I know. I'm not…I'm not pretty anymore." a ghost of a smile flickered on her ruined mouth. "It isn't your fault, you know."

"Yes, it is. It was my idea, and you paid the price." Avitas argued, tearing a hand through his brown hair, making it stick up in greasy, unkempt strands. "Josen…" he shook his head, clenching his jaw.

"It was both of our idea, and I'm glad I paid the price instead of you." Rie said firmly. "If you had paid it…what would have happened to your sister? no. I'm glad it was me." she looked up at him, determination burning in the remaining eye. "Don't worry about me. I don't need my looks to succeed. I promise."

"Okay." he nodded. "Okay. We should hurry, before Josen decides we're late." he picked up their pace a little, squeezing Rie's hand gently as they walked. They had dated for a while. It hadn't worked out. But they were still good friends, and he would have done anything for her, just as he would have done anything for his sister.


"You think this…measly offering is enough?" Josen demanded, looming over Avitas.

Avitas swallowed dryly, eyes flicking to the knives strapped to the man's belt, his left hand twitching with remembered pain. "I uhm…there weren't many tourists today, sir. Not many with anything good. I'm sorry. I'll do better next time, I promise." he did his best to put his fear away, stuff it deep down inside where Josen couldn't see.

Josen turned back to his desk, to the map of the systems. "Avitas, Avitas, Avitas…" he clicked his tongue, disappointed. "Didn't you learn your lesson last time? I thought you would have."

Avitas looked away, then realized that that was a bad idea indeed, turning back to Josen. "I'm sorry. I learned my lesson, I promise." he didn't want to lose another finger, or worse. Josen took things that he knew the dippers valued the most. Avitas valued his hands. He was a musician and an artist, he needed his hands to play and paint and draw. Without his hands…what was he? He wouldn't have enough money for cybernetic replacements if Josen cut more fingers off, and it was already hard to play music while missing just the left pinky. He hated to think of how bad it would be if the bulky leader of their group took a second finger.

"Did you? Or do you need to learn what it's like to lose something precious again?" Josen asked in a dark tone. "Maybe your right hand, this time? Your dominant?"

Avitas swallowed, eyes flickering with fear. "No sir." he said quickly. "No sir, please I'm really, really sorry. It won't happen again, I swear. I swear, sir, next time I'll do better. I know that every time I don't bring in enough you're disappointed, and I promise it won't happen again." the words tumbled out, spurred by the fear that he would lose another finger, lose another bit of the thing that made him who he was.

Josen shook his head a little. "And how do I know you aren't lying to me, Avitas? Trying to save your own skin?" he pursed his lips, blue eyes cold as ice.

"No sir, not at all. I just…like I said, there weren't many tourists. But it's off-season right now, I'm sure that for the queen's next speech there will be far more. I'll even…I'll even bring in extra next time, to make up for this time." he replied quickly, looking up at Josen and biting his bottom lip worriedly. Please believe me. He thought desperately.

Josen looked at him for a long time. Long enough that Avitas felt his blood turn cold as he wondered if Josen was going to take a finger after all. "Fine. But you better bring in double next time, Avitas Calon, or I'm taking more than just a finger." Josen said in a threatening tone.

Avitas almost sagged with relief. "Right. Thank you, sir. May I go?"

Josen waved a hand. "Dismissed. Send in Rie, will you?"

Avitas nodded, leaving as fast as he could so that Josen wouldn't change his mind. "Rie, Josen wants you next." he said, gesturing the small girl to the door. Rie nodded, and went inside.

Avitas rubbed the stump of his pinky, breathing out a shaky sigh of relief. God, I thought I was going to lose my fucking finger again. He thought of the old piano waiting at home, and a small smile flickered over his face. He wanted to get home and play and play and play, and forget everything.

Avitas, so far, seems relatable, which is a good thing. I like that you describe things a bit more, such as Rie's scars. There's some punctuation errors. Describe the surrounding areas; we readers want to see what your characters see, feel what they feel, smell what they smell, hear what they hear, and even taste what they taste.
So far I am empathetic with Avitas; I too care about my friends and family. I can also relate to how he feels about his hands being his livelihood; like Avitas, I too am an artist (drawing and writing). You have a pretty good start so far. Good job!

@ElderGod-Icefire

The prophecy is interesting. You don't give much detail, but since this is just the prologue you can get away with it. However it would be nice to know what the people that receive the prophecy feel; describe things. Names of groups should be capitalized. It's not a bad start.

Oh thank you!! I was making it up off the top of my head, so…I'm proud of myself lol. Yeah the prologue is almost more of an introduction sort of a thing? Idk

Avitas, so far, seems relatable, which is a good thing. I like that you describe things a bit more, such as Rie's scars. There's some punctuation errors. Describe the surrounding areas; we readers want to see what your characters see, feel what they feel, smell what they smell, hear what they hear, and even taste what they taste.
So far I am empathetic with Avitas; I too care about my friends and family. I can also relate to how he feels about his hands being his livelihood; like Avitas, I too am an artist (drawing and writing). You have a pretty good start so far. Good job!

Ah thank you so much!! Like i said earlier, I'm literally pulling this out of my ass, so to speak. I'm making it up as I go, so I have no more idea what's happening than you do XD. I'll work on describing things more in the next chapter!

@ElderGod-Icefire

(Hey guys, just wanted to let you all know that I have begun a character bank in the first post on here that you can consult later on if you need help keeping the characters straight)

@ElderGod-Icefire

Chapter Two: Ace

Ace had escaped the palace. Again. Of course, that was due to her own particular skill-set as a thief and escape artist. Her full name was Acenthianrae Samos-Valentin the Third. A real mouthful of a name, which she hated. Therefore, she went by Ace Samos, but usually just Ace.

"Your highness!" she could hear them calling for her, could hear them back behind the palace gates, looking for her.

She grinned, white teeth flashing, and slipped away. Slipped away from the beautiful prison, and back to the streets where she had grown up, where she knew who she was and where she fit in. Her close-cropped golden hair shimmered in the weak sunlight, and she pulled up a hood to disguise how clean she was. No one in the lower streets was so clean and tidy, and if she looked like she was, well…bad things could happen. She could be seen as a mark, as prey, by the pickpockets and thieves, and anything she had in her pockets would be stolen away by them. She didn't want that, of course, so a bit of a disguise was necessary. At least until she reached her destination.

The Golden Star was one of taverns/inns that dotted the underbelly of the city, known for being a wayplace of vagrants and misfits and orphans. She was right at home here, always had been. "Kalir!" she called as she came in, waving a hand.

"Samos!" Kalir boomed over the babble of the patrons, greeting her with a smile. His dark skin shone in the lights as he set a drink in front of one of the patrons. "You've not been here in a long while!"

She sat on a bar stool, her feet dangling off the ground. "Sorry. I haven't been able to get away." no one here knew who she really was, and she aimed to keep it that way. She needed this place, this home, where she wasn't the princess anymore, wasn't expected to be perfect. Was just expected to be herself. Ace Samos, hacker and genius.

"Aye, that's fine. Just do try and stop by a bit more, will you? We miss your naughty little face." Kalir responded, patting her on the head.

She shrugged his hand off. "Naughty little face?" she replied, raising an eyebrow. "Excuse you?"

He laughed. "Well, you aren't exactly a looker with your hair cut so badly, and everybody here knows your sense of humor is more like a knife than anything." he replied, setting a soda in front of her.

Drinking half of it in one gulp, she sighed. "Ah. That's true." she looked around. "Has this place gotten uglier since last I was here? I do believe it has." she smirked over at Kalir.

He sighed, shaking his head. "Ah, fine. If you say so." he replied, turning away to serve drinks to other people.

While he was turned away, she spun around on the stool, looking around the bar. The ceiling was low, and painted dark, making the whole bar look darker, more mysterious. It helped hide the dirt that built up. The floors were Plasti-wood, fake, made to look and feel like real wood. The walls were an undetermined color, stained by smoke and spilled drinks until it was a sort of smoky, brownish color that may have once been grey. Over on the opposite end of the room, furthest from the door, was a raised stage where a band she didn't recognize was playing. The violinist caught her eye for a moment, but her gaze drifted on. Men and women of all shapes, sizes, and statures congregated throughout, talking, dancing, playing cards, poker, flirting. She saw a few that she knew would be leaving together, likely to hook up. The acrid scent of bulsa smoke mixed with the scent of various alcoholic drinks, and a few drugs too, giving the bar its strange, yet appealing, odor.

She looked like any other street rat in this place, in her nondescript, dark clothes with patches in the elbows and a loose hood on her head. She had smeared dirt on her face earlier, but she couldn't hide the smell of soap that anyone who got too close would notice. That scent the bar carried met her nose again, and she coughed. Used to be, she could inhale this scent all day and not care. But she had been away too long; her senses were no longer accustomed to it. Not at all.

She stretched, and hopped off the stool, weaving through the crowd and over to a door marked Employees Only. The words were repeated in several different languages, just in case the bar comers didn't speak the common tongue. She looked up at the lights that graced the whole bar, designed to look like old-fashioned lanterns or torches, to add to the bars styling. Then she turned away and went through the door, beads that hung from the ceiling knocking lightly against her forehead.

"Sita!" she called loudly.

"Aye, Ace!" a woman called back, embracing Ace and kissing her cheeks. "Welcome back! We have no seen you, where have you gone?" her voice was accented, her pronunciation a bit strange. Kalir and his sister were not natives of this planet; they had moved here ten years ago, along with Kalir's husband. Kalir had made an effort to lose most of his accent, and in that, he had succeeded. Sita, on the other hand, had not.

"Ah, everywhere, Sita." Ace waved her hand with a smile. "Don't worry about me, you know I'll always come back. Is Ro around?" Ro was Kalir's husband, and one of the kindest, gentlest men she had ever met. Also, he gave her candy every time she saw him, which might also be why she liked him so much.

Sita swatted her lightly. "Ah, I see! You no come back for Sita, you come back for Ro and his candies!" the older woman wrinkled her nose at Ace, laughing.

"Whaat?" Ace laughed as well. "Never, Sita." Sita was a small woman, with nimble fingers and a gentle voice. She looked like a shorter, prettier version of Kalir, almost. She had the same dark skin and eyes, but where Kalir's hair was extremely short, more of stubble on his head than anything, Sita's black hair was long and thick, hanging down to her waist in bouncy, wild curls.

Sita laughed again. "Ro is this way." she grabbed Ace's arm and led her into the back room, where Ro could be seen, a knife in one hand and a block of wood in the other, the knife rasping along the wood as he carved and whittled.

He looked up as they came in, his lips splitting in a grin. "Ace!" he put down the knife and wood, and embraced her, then handed her a candy. "Welcome back! Are you staying?"

She shook her head, popping the candy in her mouth. "No. I wish I could, but no." she replied.

Ro nodded. "I see. That's a shame. I must get back to my carving, I have an order to finish up. But if you need to talk, come find me. Now go have fun!" he made a shooing motion as he sat back down.

Ace nodded. "Fine. Is it alright if i go back to the bar? I wanted to speak to the violinist." she asked Sita.

Sita rolled her eyes. "Just as I thought. You came for candy, not company." she complained, smiling, but pushed Ace to the door. "Go, then."

Ace nodded, and slipped back out into the bar. Her eyes found the band, who were taking a break. She saw, with raised eyebrows, that the violinist, a tall, brown haired boy, was missing the pinky on his left hand. She wasn't sure how the violin could be played without one of the fingers, but she shrugged. She tapped on the boy's shoulder. "Hey!" she called.

He turned, eyebrows raised in question. "Do you need something?" he asked, cocking his head a little.

"Yeah. Who are you? I haven't seen you around before." she asked, looking at him. She really hadn't seen him in this area before. Had never seen him before at all, and that was strange. Kalir didn't usually hire new musicians unless he knew them beforehand.

"Avitas Calon. And yeah, this is the first time I've played here." the boy replied slowly, still watching her carefully.

Deleted user

So I've got a couple things overall and a couple things that are more specific.

Overall

  • The prologue is interesting, and I think it does a really good job getting the reader invested in the story. I think the little bits of characterization we get here (the girl who should have died becoming a spy, the orphan girl growing into a queen) are a fun way to introduce us to the main cast.
  • And, as a sub-point, I think the main cast has a lot of potential. A group of thieves and runaways is always fun, and there's a lot to explore with what little we've been given because the character concepts are so vague. However, you should be careful not to dip into too many cliches in your writing. I like what I've seen so far (especially with Avitas) but I think you should be a little wary of how you treat Ace. The whole 'royalty who doesn't want to be royalty' trope is kind of tired, even if you are breathing new life into it by having her rise up into the position after a life on the streets
  • You have a good writing style, I was immediately invested in what was happening and I never got pulled out of the immersion even if there were a few minor grammatical mistakes.

Prologue

  • As I said, I'm a fan. I think there's not much that needs to be done here, maybe a couple of minor word choices weren't the best (for example whispered is repeated twice in two lines, one right after another, and in the first line of the last bit "the infant son whose mother died…" son should really be replaced with boy) but overall It's quite solid

Chapter 1

  • In the first paragraph you have a line that goes "Speeches like this, when everyone turned out to watch the queen give a speech?" and that's obviously not ideal. Get rid of one of the 'speeches' for the best effect.
  • A couple of your sentences start with the word but. This isn't, generally speaking, a great idea because it's hard to make the sentence grammatically viable and it also kind of messes with the flow of the narrative. Either combine them with other sentences or find a way to cut out/replace the first word so things flow better.
  • I like the way you handle Rie. It's fairly uncommon to see a character who gets scars that actually change their features in a way that doesn't make them badass heroes, and I think her character- a once beautiful girl brought low by the cruelty of her supposed leader- is incredibly compelling. That bit where Avitas can't stand to look at her is pure gold, I'm a big fan
  • I think you should be wary about how you handle Josen. While I'm definitely behind having a cruel crooked villain who disfigures his thieves, I think it's important to make him more than a one-dimensional cardboard cut out. Give him motivation. Make him as interesting as your other characters. Obviously he's not all that developed yet because you're only a chapter in but make sure you have a goal in mind with him.
  • I think including more sensory details (what characters see, feel, hear, etc) would be a really good way to ground the reader in the setting and help us visualize what's happening.

That pretty much concludes my critique for now! I think you've got a very promising concept and a good beginning to your story, I'm really excited to see where everything goes!!

@ElderGod-Icefire

I like what I've seen so far (especially with Avitas) but I think you should be a little wary of how you treat Ace. The whole 'royalty who doesn't want to be royalty' trope is kind of tired, even if you are breathing new life into it by having her rise up into the position after a life on the streets

Ah thanks! Yeah I'm definitely going to work on making sure Ace stays unique. Her whole "not wanting to be royalty" thing is because she was raised on the streets, and doesn't feel as if she belongs in the palace.

You have a good writing style, I was immediately invested in what was happening and I never got pulled out of the immersion even if there were a few minor grammatical mistakes.

Thanks again! Yeah that's what I've been hearing, I'll do my best to fix the mistakes.

I like the way you handle Rie. It's fairly uncommon to see a character who gets scars that actually change their features in a way that doesn't make them badass heroes, and I think her character- a once beautiful girl brought low by the cruelty of her supposed leader- is incredibly compelling. That bit where Avitas can't stand to look at her is pure gold, I'm a big fan

Ah thank you!! Yeah I haven't seen that much of that either, and I guess I figured it would be interesting to do.

I think you should be wary about how you handle Josen. While I'm definitely behind having a cruel crooked villain who disfigures his thieves, I think it's important to make him more than a one-dimensional cardboard cut out. Give him motivation. Make him as interesting as your other characters. Obviously he's not all that developed yet because you're only a chapter in but make sure you have a goal in mind with him.

Definitely going to work on this, yeah. Thanks for pointing that out, I will do my best to round him out a bit in later chapters

I think including more sensory details (what characters see, feel, hear, etc) would be a really good way to ground the reader in the setting and help us visualize what's happening.

Again, i know that's another thing I need to do, but like…I used to infodump, so now I try not to and I end up doing the opposite 😅 so I am definitely going to work on that.

That pretty much concludes my critique for now! I think you've got a very promising concept and a good beginning to your story, I'm really excited to see where everything goes!!

Thanks again!! I'm excited to see where it goes too!

@ElderGod-Icefire

  1. This was the prophecy whispered to a dying mother, her infant son cradled in her arms.
  2. This was the prophecy whispered to a mother whose little girl lay covered in blood, the light going from her eyes.
  3. This was the prophecy given to scientists, as they created an abomination.

Hope that clears everything up!

@Rvan group

I didn’t have time to read all the other critiques, so I apologize if I’m just repeating what’s already been said oof. Also I don’t critique very often so like, these might be a little informal/not helpful at all lol, and take them with a grain of salt. After all, it’s your story so you do what you want with it! :)

(Chapter 1)

Avitas Calon, thief extraordinaire. Or at least, that was how the tall, brown-haired boy thought of himself as he slipped through the crowd, hands dipping into men's pockets and women's purses, their valuables disappearing into hidden pockets located on his person. He whistled as he went. Speeches like this, when everyone turned out to watch the queen give a speech? Prime time for pickpockets and thieves like himself to do their work. Everyone was crowded so close that it was easily done. Perhaps too easy.

I really like how you start this off! I’m very intrigued, and I like the amount of description in this paragraph. I know my sister always tries to put all the physical descriptions of one character into one paragraph and it ends up sounding bad, so I really like how you don’t do that lol.

Avitas sighed. "That's his problem, Rie. We can't take care of every newbie, and you know that. Last time we tried…" he trailed off, knowing she knew exactly what had happened last time.

At the part “knowing she knew,” it sounds a little bit awkward. Maybe try saying “knowing that she knew” or “knowing that she of all people knew exactly…” or possibly “knowing that she was very aware of exactly…” I don’t know, just some food for thought. Overall, not that big of a deal

Rie sighed. "Fine. I just…" she shook her head, and her hand slipped into his. "Avi, why won't you look at me? Is it because of…?"

Right around here, it felt like a slightly awkward transition. Kinda like she asked this out of nowhere, though you do mention that Avitas had a hard time meeting her gaze earlier, I think it might be good to add him looking away from her suddenly, or maybe her trying to get his attention (but him still not looking at her), so it seems like this question is less out of the blue.

Josen turned back to his desk, to the map of the systems. "Avitas, Avitas, Avitas…" he clicked his tongue, disappointed. "Didn't you learn your lesson last time? I thought you would have."

I really like this first impression we get of Josen. I don’t know how to pinpoint exactly why I like it so much lol, but it’s good!

(Chapter 2)

"Samos!" Kalir boomed over the babble of the patrons, greeting her with a smile. His dark skin shone in the lights as he set a drink in front of one of the patrons. "You've not been here in a long while!"

I’m just a tiny bit confused by the line “His dark skin shone in the lights as he set a drink in front of one of the patrons.” I’m just a bit confused by what you mean by his skin shining in the lights. Like are the lights reflecting off his skin a little, or do the lights reveal his skin color, etc? Do you mean ‘shown’ there by chance?

She stretched, and hopped off the stool, weaving through the crowd and over to a door marked Employees Only. The words were repeated in several different languages, just in case the bar comers didn't speak the common tongue.

I feel like this part might be a little bit redundant, since I think readers can infer that if it’s in different languages it’s because the bar attendees might not know the common language. maybe instead say, “…over to a door marked Employees Only, the words repeated in several different languages.” and strike the last clause.

While he was turned away, she spun around on the stool, looking around the bar [] Then she turned away and went through the door, beads that hung from the ceiling knocking lightly against her forehead.

I’d just be careful in this section to not over-describe. I don’t know how significant the tavern is in your story, but if it’s a place that will be revisited often/important later, this part’s good. However, if the tavern won’t be significant later in the story, this might be a little bit too much description that may become a little dragging to other readers (even though it really didn’t bore me).

Kalir and his sister were not natives of this planet; they had moved here ten years ago, along with Kalir's husband.

I like how you introduce the concept of people living on different planets here! It’s casual and doesn’t seemed forced, which I find appealing as a reader.

Ace nodded. "Fine. Is it alright if i go back to the bar? I wanted to speak to the violinist." she asked Sita.

Sita rolled her eyes. "Just as I thought. You came for candy, not company." she complained, smiling, but pushed Ace to the door. "Go, then."

Ace nodded, and slipped back out into the bar. Her eyes found the band, who were taking a break. She saw, with raised eyebrows, that the violinist, a tall, brown haired boy, was missing the pinky on his left hand. She wasn't sure how the violin could be played without one of the fingers, but she shrugged. She tapped on the boy's shoulder. "Hey!" she called.

I’m very curious as to why she decided to talk to him. It seemed a little sudden when she just went up and spoke to him. Was it because she wanted to meet him? Why’d she want to meet him? Or will this be revealed in a later chapter?

(Overall)
I LOVE what you have so far! I’m very intrigued and definitely want to keep reading! Plus, I generally like the idea of thieves and stuff, I think it’s a creative plot idea. I think Avitas is my favorite character as of right now, I really like how he likes to play music and do art, and how that drives his fear of losing another finger.
I can’t wait to see what comes next!

@ElderGod-Icefire

Thanks Rvan!!! I will definitely work on all that in later chapters. And… yeah the tavern is sorta important. Yeah the whole planets thing is going to be important later on, as this is a mix of sci fi and fantasy. I also enjoy a good thief story. Haha Avitas seems to be most people's favorite so far

@ElderGod-Icefire

Mmmmmmmmm i know it did…and I've been trying to figure that out myself. I honestly have no idea what they would talk about, plus I'm too lazy for it lol

@Rvan group

Ooo I’m excited, especially to see what happens with the tavern now. It definitely seems like an interesting place and lovely atmosphere.