forum Creating a Comic!!! Please Help Critique!

Started August 11, 2019 by @shattered_heart

tune

So, I have always wanted to write a comic and since I need practise with drawing, I thought why not just go for it. I have collected random ideas over the years and this was one that caught my attention.
It is called, "Time Stops For No Man (or does she?)

Can you tell me what could fixed? Should I add more, cut some scenes?
I have already done the first page, if you guys want to see it. Well, have fun! (or not).
Please remember, that this is mainly for practise and yes, I know it is random.

SCENES: 

1. Charles arguing over text with Jordan about seeing his mum. 

• Charles sitting on the couch.

• Close up of phone. "You should go see her."

• Charles face showing annoyance.

• Phone close up. "Why bring it up now? It's been years." Bubble with three dots showing Jordan is replying.

• "I just think you should make up." 

• click The phone screen is black as Charles turns off the phone.

2. 

• At a cafe drinking coffee. Phone - (bing!)

• Reaching for phone.

-Shows phone "Dont ignore me, man."

• Him looking away sighing.

• Close up of face, mouth open, eyes wide, exclamation mark

3.

• Girl with guy ordering coffee

• She goes to turn and sees him

• Her eyes widen

• A hand touches Charles shoulder

• He turns to see a girl

• She smiles "Hey honey"

4.

• Charles looks confused.

• She sits beside him

• Other girl turns away, lowering her head

• Girl leaves with bf.

5.

• Charles thanks girl.

• Girl smiles

• No problem

• Awkward silence.

• Charles "Im Charles Blair

• Girl hesitates. Worried brows, downturned open mouth, bubble with three dots, showing hesitation.

6. 

• "Timmi, My name is Timmi."

• Charles gives a small smile.

• Timmi rising from her chair.

• Charles half reaches out

• Close up of hand with fingers drawing back.

• Outer shot, Timmi saying "I gotta go."

7. 

• Charles wondering down a street alone.

• Close up of phone ringing.

• Charles look at his phone (view waist up).

• Close up, him hitting accept.

• Him with phone to ear. "Charles speaking/shows Jordan on phone "Whats up, man?" Split square panel.

8.

• Charles looks up.

• The sky is darkening.

• "Nothing, Jord. Im okay."

• Jordan with hand to forehead "Listen-"

• Charles looking angry"Just stop already."

• His hand falling to his side, phone screen black.

9.

• Charles lying in bed.

• Close up of sleeping face.

• Dreaming of him with the girl at the cafe

• Him fighting with his mum. "Im not a kid anymore, so leave me alone."

• Him watching the girl walk away. Its raining. Hes calling to her "Willow!"

• Screaming at his mum. "What did you tell her?"

10.

• Close up of sleeping face looking stressed.

• Eyes open

• He sits up

• His face darkens.

• "I wont forgive her. I cant."

11.

Him exiting a building holding paper.

Close up of paper shows it says Resume.

He walks tdown the street. 

Walks down to the harbour.

Staring at the paper

Throwing a paper plane

Hand pulls at his sleeve.

12.

Him turning

Looking surprised, "Timmi."

Shows Timmi looking up at him, smiling.

"The one and only"

13.

"Are you okay?" 

He looks away, eyes closed with pain.

Close up of her taking his hand

His eyes open with surprise 

She smiles, "Come with me"

14.

Shows them eating icecreams together.

Playing on a swing.

Dancing together.

Walking home.

"Thanks, Timmi"

She smilee.

Smile falters.

15.

Charles glances at her.

"Everything alright?"

She smiles again. "Yeah, good night." 

Him watching her leave as it starts to drizzle lightly.

16. 

He turns around

He frowns in surprise.

Outer shot showing Jordan is in front of him. Its raining harder.

Close up of Charles surprised face. "Jordan?"

17. 

Jordan face

Close up of tear in his eye

"Why didnt you see her?"

Charles looking more confused. "What?"

Jordan "Your mother. Shes dying."

18.

Charlee looking struck.

A tear trickles from his eye

"Dying?"

Jordan running fingers through hair. "Shes got cancer. She didnt want you to know."

19.

Charles racing down the street.

"It cant be. It cant be true."

Shows hospital

Charles running down the hospital hall.

20. 

A light flashing before him

Close up of frightened face.

A beautiful face appears in the light.

Charles looka puzzled.

The fae reaches out to him.

21.

"I am the spirit of time. 

"You know me better as Timmi."

He stares at her "Timmi?" 

She bows her head. "I liked you, Charlie. But we can not be."

22. 

She looks sad as she meets his gaze. "You waited too long. You can not reach her in time." 

A tear fall from his eye.

She wipes it away.

She smiles.

Outer shot of them both "But for you, I have done something never done before."

Close up of her face. "I have stopped time."

23.

Her hand falls to her side.

"Go, make peace with her."

Charles reaches out. (Over shoulder veiw)

"Timmi" (side view of him touching her face, lightly).

24.

She smiles."I wish you the best."

"I wont be stop by again, so let this be my parting gift."

Charles looks startled

His hand is touching open air as she is gone.

25.

Shows hospital bed with cancer patient lying on it, eyes closed.

Charles is looking through the door

Shows Mrs Blairs hand

Charles hand touching hers

26.

Her eyes are closed.

They open 

"Charles?!"

Charles sits on her bed. "Yes, mama."

Tears are in her eyes. "Forgive me."

27.

Charles is crying.

He bows his head. "No, mama I was wrong. Dont go."

She smiles her head to one side. "I love you always."

Charles hand to his eyes. "Mama." 

She smiles again

Her eyes close.

28.

Charles looks up. His eyes wide with horror.

"Mama?" Mama, wake up. Mama!"

He hunches over, crying.

29.

Standing on the harbour in a black suit alone.

"Charles."

His face lightens as he turns. "Timmi?!"

He looks disappointed and surprised.

Shows Willow, her hands claspes nervously before her.

"Willow?" 

30. 

She hugs him. 

He looks surprised.

She is crying. "I am so sorry."

He hugs her.

Close up of tears in his eyes.

31.

Picture of his kneeling at a grave crying, her hand on his shoulder. Timmi is smiling sadly nearby "You will be okay".

32.

A quote as a moral, for example:

• Life is short. Use the time you have, before it is gone.

• Life is too short to wait.

• Spend time with those you love. One of these days you will either say, I wish I had or I am glad I did.

• It could all be gone tomorrow. Always remember that.

• 4 things we can not recover in life: words after they are said, moments after they are missed, actions after they are done, time are it is gone.

33.

Picture of Charles carrying Willow as bride and groom, laughing. THE END

@Suga-Lover__Canihavesomesuga__

@The-Althalosian

Cool! Some weirdness that I will comment on later. Rushed parts and stuff, but I’m supposed to be working right now.

Hey, doing a quick glance through, I'd split up the actions some, when he's at the cafe, maybe show him sipping the coffee/break/then have his phone ding/break/have him reach for his phone/break/ looking at his phone/break/ phone screen. so it shows more action. but if that's too much work, I get it.

I don’t know too much about comics, but I’ll try my best to help. I think what you have is really good so far. The only thing I would do different is add a little bit more into each scene so it’s not so fast paced. I don’t know if that’s what you’re going for or if that’s how comics normally are. I don’t know what exactly could be added. Maybe like some simple actions in between each major part of the scene or adding small parts into the subplot or something

Cool! Some weirdness that I will comment on later. Rushed parts and stuff, but I’m supposed to be working right now.

Haha, okay. I am looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

Hey, doing a quick glance through, I'd split up the actions some, when he's at the cafe, maybe show him sipping the coffee/break/then have his phone ding/break/have him reach for his phone/break/ looking at his phone/break/ phone screen. so it shows more action. but if that's too much work, I get it.

Yeah, it is kinda rushed and I do plan to break it up a little more. Like have it run a little more smoothly. Thanks for your suggestion :)

I don’t know too much about comics, but I’ll try my best to help. I think what you have is really good so far. The only thing I would do different is add a little bit more into each scene so it’s not so fast paced. I don’t know if that’s what you’re going for or if that’s how comics normally are. I don’t know what exactly could be added. Maybe like some simple actions in between each major part of the scene or adding small parts into the subplot or something

Yeah, I do feel it was to rushed though this is mainly a rough draft. Simple actions are definetly something I am gonna work on. Do you think the story is alright though?

Yah no problem man, thanks for even taking a look at it! :P

. 9. You’re kind of pulling a tell by show. This info should probably be saved for later to further the story.

But going forwards (reading it all again to refresh my memory) it sort of makes sense. But you might be able to do a better job by stretching that part out longer.

Also in 5. I would say have him hold out his hand when he introduces himself.

The end of 11. should have him standing alone, head down. Or something like. Else Timmi doesn’t know what’s up logically.

When you see this I’ll add more.

@The-Althalosian
You are amazing! I will take all these into consideration.

hey, when you have the first panel done could we see it? I'd love to!

@RainyDayArtist
Here it is below :D Well, a draft at least.

oh that's cool!

Thanks Elvira! And cool! I gtg, so nudge me and I’ll leave more advice.

oh that's cool!

Thanks! I really apprechiate it.

Thanks Elvira! And cool! I gtg, so nudge me and I’ll leave more advice.

Aw, you're the best. If there's anything on mind, just say it. The more critique the better.

Hi! I read through what you have so far and I quite like it ^^ I think I'd like to add to what everyone else said by pointing out that the identities of the characters ae a bit confusing. In the café scene, I had no idea who the girl he was talking to even was–I actually thought it was his mom at first lol. This Timmi character seems to appear out of nowhere, without much backstory about who she is to Charles. And to be honest, I think Jordan's role in the story is a little too small–he seems like an important character, but maybe there should be a scene of him and Charles just hanging out in person, to show what good friends they are? Anyway, these are all just suggestions. I think it's a great idea for a story and you've done a lot of the hard work already ^^ Keep it up!

Hi! I read through what you have so far and I quite like it ^^ I think I'd like to add to what everyone else said by pointing out that the identities of the characters ae a bit confusing. In the café scene, I had no idea who the girl he was talking to even was–I actually thought it was his mom at first lol. This Timmi character seems to appear out of nowhere, without much backstory about who she is to Charles. And to be honest, I think Jordan's role in the story is a little too small–he seems like an important character, but maybe there should be a scene of him and Charles just hanging out in person, to show what good friends they are? Anyway, these are all just suggestions. I think it's a great idea for a story and you've done a lot of the hard work already ^^ Keep it up!

You have a good point about Jordan, lol. I didnt realise until you mentioned it just how much he was missing from it. I will definetly add some bro time. Its just that it is supposed to hinted that Charles is cutting off friends due to be depressed.
So the girl who rocks up is Timmi (secretly the spirit of time). She sees him staring at his ex-girlfriend and realises he is ashamed that she was able to move on while he couldnt. Timmi then pretends to be Charles new girlfriend, so Charles wont have to be embarassed in front of his ex. Therefore, time stops for a man for the first time, no not in a literal sense. This happens literally, when Timmi stops time so he can see his mother. But because her love for Charles is causing her to break the laws of nature, she has to leave him.

Also when Timmi says "Hi honey", his ex girlfriend lowers her head. This is to show, she is secretly disappointed as she was half hoping what his mother had said was a lie and that he still loved her.

Thanks for the explanation, that clears things up nicely ^^ If you can incorporate some of those informative details into the script, I think you'll be good to go! Glad I could help! XD