forum Marvel AU OxO?

Started November 29, 2019 by @ElderGod-Icefire

tune

He opened his eyes a little bit, and shook his head again. "We've already had this conversation. I'm not going to a therapist. I'm not."

"But can you admit that not doing anything won't help?" Steve asked, moving towards a window to water a plant with floppy leaves. "I know from experience– the world knows from experience that pain like that needs to be dealt with."

"I don't care." He replied, clenching and unclenching his left hand. "I won't go." You can't make me.

"Why don't you care?" Steve questioned, looking over his shoulder to face him, "Why are you so hell-bent on not going?"

"Because I don't want to!" I don't want to relive those memories in front of someone else I don't want to talk about them I want to forget again. I don't want them. Take them away again and let me forget.

Steve faced him with his arms crossed, not in frustration, but realization. He took a long breath, studying Bucky's troubled expression. "It's because there's more to it, isn't there?"

He clenched his jaw, turning his head away. A curtain of brown hair fell into his face, obscuring his expression and hiding it from Steve. "…yeah."

Steve swallowed, his own expression softening as he took a cautious step back towards him. "Bucky…" He started, "You know you can tell me anything. I'm right here. We're safe."

He shook his head slightly. "I don't want to." he replied softly. "I…I can't, Steve. I just…I can't."

Steve took a short breath, getting lost in the quietness between them paired with the soft jazz playing around them. "Is it because you're scared of what you might say? Or…remember?"

He shrugged a little. I don't want to tell you. He inhaled softly, running a hand through his hair.

Steve looked down, recalculating his thoughts and words, "Is it…because you're afraid of how I might react?"

He hesitated, then nodded a little bit, still not able to meet Steve's eyes.

"Do you think I'm going to react badly?" Steve softly asked, his mind struggling to comprehend how Bucky, his Bucky, could be afraid of such judgement.

He shrugged slightly. "I don't know." he replied quietly, a sharp reminder that even if Steve felt he knew who Bucky was, Bucky didn't know. He didn't remember enough.

"Well, I'll tell you, then." Steve said, moving to sit on the far edge of the couch, "I'm not going to get mad at you, or tell the others, or stop talking to you or…anything like that." He took a slow breath, "I'm here. You're here. I'll willing to listen, cause I know it'll help. Even if it's hard."

Bucky closed his eyes for a moment, and shook his head again. "I can't." He whispered, the words carried out in a faint breath.

"And I'm saying you can, even if it's not today or with me." Steve said in a softened tone, his voice quiet and empathetic, with his concern etched into his expression, "Even the smallest thing, Bucky. It's okay…you can tell me."

He took a deep breath, left hand clenching again, unclenching. Unable to feel anything with that limb. "I can't." He repeated.

"I know it's hard, it's going to be that way for a while." He told him, knowing that he could stay here, telling him soft reassurances all day if it would help. "I'm right here, Buck. You can say anything to me, you know that."

Bucky shrugged his shoulders a little bit. "…fine." he finally replied, accepting Steve's words. But he still…he couldn't talk about HYDRA and what had happened. He couldn't.

"Okay," Steve said with a slow nod. Baby steps. Like the books said. After the arctic recovery and finally getting settled into the process of his new life, he'd come across a series of bookstores displaying different works under the genre of 'self-help,' which he didn't hesitate in buying.

Bucky took a deep breath, running his flesh hand through his hair and trying to process all of this.

"So," Steve started, trying to bring in the knowledge he'd acquired from the books, "If you're comfortable picturing it, what's the least painful thing you remember? It could be the smallest thing."

He shrugged his shoulders slightly. "I don't know." He replied softly, taking a deep breath.