They went on like this until they reached 'Z', but Jay had already forgotten half the letters. Stupid stupid stupid…. Shut up shut up shut UP. You can't even remember half of these things, and you don't even know how many there are because you can't count either.
"You did great Jay!" Zanna smiled. She pulled out another piece of paper, "Now I want you to do as you did before, except this time saying each letter aloud as you do so. If you don't know a letter, don't be afraid to ask me."
"Um… I-I don't remember the first ones…" You're terrible at this, it's not even hard. This is preschool level material. The blank paper seeming very intimidating. He just wanted to crumple it up and throw it across the room in frustration.
"Okay," Zanna knew this was going to be hard for him. So they took their time with teaching him, "The first ones A."
"A…." He muttered the letter as he copied it down from his other paper. He wrote the 'B' but didn't know what that was called either. His hands trembled a bit. Stupid stupid stupid…. getting frustrated over the alphabet… idiot… Somehow, trying to learn made him feel even dumber because it was so hard for him.
"That's B," Zanna said as he wrote the letter down, "Just so you know I'm not expecting you to get all of this right out of the gates. It's a lot harder for older people to learn this than children."
Jay nodded slightly, mentally slapping himself. It'll be harder to concentrate if I'm frustrated, and you're not helping. Who, me? You haven't seen a thing, boy. Don't call me boy! It reminds me of dad… I know, that's why I do it. You're cruel sometimes, you know that? "B… and that one's… D? No… C?" He carefully drew the next letter.
"Yeah, it's C!" Zanna exclaimed, "You're doing great Jay!"
"That means…. the next one's D? Why do they all rhyme…?" He kept going, occasionally needing some help. See? I did better than you thought. Did you really though? She looks disappointed. No, she doesn't! Does she? You're terrible at reading people's emotions you know. Shut up!
"D's right!" Zanna thought for a second, "And I have no idea why they all rhyme."
"It's confusing…" Eventually, Jay finished and started scribbling quietly on the back of the paper to relieve some of his anxiety. You're being weird. Will you just be quiet?
"I know," Zanna let Jay do his thing, "Let me know when your ready to continue."
Jay nodded, quickly stopping. He felt like breaking the pencil, but he controlled himself. He was holding his breath again, but he tried to make that fairly subtle. Stupid. Leave me alone!
"You don't have to be ready right now," Zanna looked at him with concern, "Do whatever you need to in order to be okay. Got it?"
He nodded again, taking a few shaky breaths. He still felt like he needed to break something, but he didn't want to. He looked down at the pencil in his hand, closing his fingers around it tightly. He closed his eyes, trying to get back to a calm, relaxed state. Get back to? Like you've ever fully been calm or relaxed. Be quiet.
"What do I need to do in order to help you?" Zanna asked Jay. He seemed to just be constantly tense today, and Zanna was getting sick of it.
"I-I dunno… I'm just always anxious… Well, that would describe the fact you have anxiety, stupid…. Get out of my head!"
"Okay," Zanna took a breath, "But is there anything in this moment I could do to help you feel less anxious."
"I'm…. not sure. Usually I just calm down in one way or another on my own. That can take hours though…"
"Okay. Do you want to keep going then?"
"Sure." Just channel the anxiety internally. You know that always ends horribly. Yes, but I don't really have a choice right now.
"So, what's the next letter?" Zanna asked Jay.
"Um, J?" He turned back towards his paper.
"Uh, close," Zanna held in their laughter. That wouldn't help Jay at all, "It's E."
"E…." He muttered the letter as he sketched it on the paper. Stupid. Go away, I'm busy.