Don't worry about it! It didn't come across as blunt at all. And you're right I definitely struggle with run on sentences. Please continue to call me out on it because, try as I (and microsoft editor) might there will be some in there. Also unless you call my writing utter trash and insult my mother, it is very hard to hurt my feelings. If you don't like something just because you don't like it or you think its is out of character etc, lmk!
Some random battle scene - ~edited~
Blood dribbled from every orifice, living and dead, animate and inanimate. In the distance, I could see her, stark in her darkness against the setting sun. It seems that she was no exception. Blood streamed from her temple, dripping past her eyebrow and into her left eye. There were trails of coppery brown smudged against her cheeks, run through with fresh red trails. It looked as if she had given up on trying wiping it away. Her blades dangled at her sides, loosely clutched in her hands. “Natiselle,” her name seemed to bring her back from the brink of her personal precipice.
“Stris, I – I, I don’t know.” She shook her head, almost bowing in defeat.
I took her in my arms and she fell into me, her body shaking uncontrollably. For the first time in ages, I noticed how small she was. I cradled her blood soaked head on my shoulder, her temple resting against my cheek. Her tears were both silent and deafening in the same instance. “We are alright, that is all that matters.”
“I never thought it would be like this.” She whispered into my shoulder. “I only wanted our family back. How have I fallen so far?” Our bodies shook as she choked over her words. “I – I never wanted this.”
Ooh, nice imagery. The blood, the sun, the grim tone –nice! A few things. This section really confused me: “Natiselle”, her name seemed to bring her back from the brink of her personal precipice. “Stris, I – I, I don’t know.” She shook her head, almost bowing in defeat. It's hard to see who's saying what. I assume that the narrator says Natiselle's name, then she replies, but the way it's written makes that a bit unclear. Remember, when changing speakers, change paragraphs. Very important. So it becomes:
"Nastiselle," I whispered. Her name seemed to bring her back from the brink of her personal precipice.
"Stris, I –I don't know," she manages to choke out. She shook her head, almost bowing in defeat.
Another thing that I personally didn't like (but it's stylistic, so it's not necessarily incorrect) was the phrasing of "For the first time in ages, I noticed how small she was, how small and seemingly frail." I would definitely cut "how small and seemingly frail" from the sentence. "Seemingly frail" is kind of an awkward phrase. I think leaving it as "For the first time in ages, I noticed how small she was," makes for more emotional impact and a smoother read.
Other than that, I have no complaints! It was really, really good. :D
Hey! This is nice! And I totally agree with everything that @wlyroft said, but I want to add a couple more things, things that are my own stylistic takes on it (i.e. you can ignore them if you want lol)
#1: the word "orifice" i had to look up and I don't know if thats just me being dumb or if it's a more common than I thought but using words that the reader has to look up or guess at the meaning is only good if you're going for pretentious sounding style (im not saying your being pretentious at all!!) just that using words that are too big for the audience to understand is frustrating. The good news is that everything else was perfectly readable, so it's not a widespread problem in your writing.
I get that finding the right word is hard! but that is what is so hard about writing–putting large, difficult themes and characters into the smallest, most understandable words.
#2: it sounds like Natiselle is in shock. (and i've never been in shock so i don't have a lot of room to say any of this so you can ignore it if you want) and if she's in shock than i don't think she's going to say a that much. Her dialog is kinda long in my opinion.
If i was writing it, i'd cut it to something more like this:
“I never wanted this,” she whispered into my shoulder, "It was never supposed to be like this. I just wanted-" Her voice broke, and she said through a sob, "I just wanted our family back."
But idk! both of those things could go either way!
I liked it a lot overall!! Good work!
Edits were made! @TryToDoItWrite, its funny you say that because he is supposed to be a little pretentious (not on purpose, he just doesn't quite grasp how golden his silver spoon is). He's been raised since birth in one of the King houses (that now just handles economics) with the best tutors of the land, so his vocabulary is riddled with SAT words. - So I hear you, but…yeah. Also it's one of my favorite words, like its kind of an off and cringe-y and moist sounding word with how it sounds, perfectly describing a nostril, ear hole, or pipe opening. And @writelikeyourerunningoutoftime, ack sorry I thought I got all of them, I will get better with dialogue I swear ahh!
But without much further ado, its a little bit longer:
Kraio -
Gods she was sight. Her amber hair was in a simple plait down her back and she had a smattering of freckles across her nose and cheeks. She held at least five flagons of ale on a tray and nimbly maneuvered through the rowdy tavern crowd. After she had delivered the drinks to a rough bunch of travelers, she swung around to my table. “What can I get you –?” She looked up and seemed to be startled, “Um, Sir?”
“Please, call me Jeson. I am no Sir. And what I really want is your name,” I said, holding her dazzling green eyes in my gaze. Blood rushed to her cheeks and she looked at her feet, her hand reaching towards her neck.
“I am Ireana, s–” She caught herself. “Jeson. What would you like?”
“Spiced mead if you have it and a flagon of ale,” Ireana nodded and spun quickly on her heel to what I assumed was the kitchen. There was a blast of cool air on my back as the door opened and someone came in. The tavern seemed quiet for a moment before resuming its normal clamor; I would have turned but Ireana glided back into the room, the drinks on her tray.
“On the house,” she whispered as she concentrated on the mead and ale.
I reached out towards her hand and she timidly lifted hers to meet mine. I dropped two Pravos into her palm and said “Then this will be our secret.”
Her eyes grew wide as she looked and quickly dropped the coins into her apron. “I – thank you, Jeson.”
She looked at me from under dark lashes and the blush came back in full force. “What –” And suddenly I felt someone drape themselves across my shoulders. She pressed her lips to my left cheek and put her hand on my other, dragging her fingers across my beard.
“Oh thank you, Love!” She said as she plopped down, swinging her cloak over the back of the bench. The color leeched from Ireana face and her bottom lip fell a little, her mouth was a perfect little 'o'. “Darling, you have the most wonderful hair,” Natiselle exclaimed, her voice dripping with sugar.
“Thank you, m’lady,” She whispered and again scurried away. I looked straight on, forcing a lazy smile and began to drink as quickly as possible.
“Mmm, yum. This mead is wonderful; would you care for a sip, Love?” Natiselle crooned.
“I am quite alright. Is everything ready?” I asked, the only real part of our meeting.
“In a fashion, we may have to pick up additional supplies along the way. But, I am content.” She had not found any suitable weapons; we would have to try again at the next town.
“I find it hard to believe that you are content, my dear.” Despite my best efforts, my annoyance surfaced.
She stood, drained her cup, and after setting it down kissed me on the cheek again. “Too true, I do demand the best. Don’t dally, the horses are ready, we wait only for you.” She swept out of the tavern and all eyes, male and female alike, followed her.
With regret, I guzzled down the rest of the ale and left. For a fleeting moment, I thought I saw Ireana peeking out from behind the kitchen door.
I just wanted to bash her head into a wall. “Do you have to be such a terror?”
Natiselle looked at me sideways and rolled her eyes. “Don’t be so dramatic, she wasn’t even that pretty. You should be thanking me. You would have grown bored in weeks. And for that matter, she should be thanking me too; I just saved her a broken heart. Not to mention you left yourself entirely open. We don’t have time for distractions.”
My hands gripped the reigns tighter. “I did not. If anything, you call too much attention to yourself. I just choose to ignore you. And how can you say that? She was something entirely new, open and sweet. It could have been wonderful.”
“Ha!” she scoffed, “You mean simple and naïve.”
“Not everyone needs to be as bitter and cruel as you are,” I spat.
“Oh, you know I am the most charming person you will ever have the pleasure of knowing.”
“More like displeasure,” I muttered.
“What did you say?” Natiselle’s eyes narrowed.
“Nothing, your highness.”
“Not yet,” She whispered, “Not yet.”
Oooh, I hate to mention dialogue again! I feel so nit-picky. Ah well, I hope this helps you:
Dialogue tags are set off by commas if not by exclamation points or question marks. By that I mean: "Hey, I hope this helps ya." I said, is incorrect, while, "Hey, I hope this helps ya," I said, is the proper way to punctuate it. But that error is very small and easy to make. It's not a big deal. Just something I noticed right off.
The dialogue itself? So good. So, so good. I love the relationship between Kraio and Nastille. There's begrudging familiarity and irritation seeping through every word. They seem like such vibrant souls, and that's a huge win.
I like the pacing of this bit, too. Not too fast, but also not too slow –a scene like this, that at first glance may seem to be pointless, can easily be too slow or unnecessary. However, because of the way it establishes and reaffirms your characters and their relationships, I think it's brilliant. I don't know where it's placed in the actual manuscript, but I really like it. Great job!
Hopefully I got them all - and please keep calling me out! You're helping me be a better writer! I have a question though. If there is no part after the quote that says 'said, scoffed, whispered' etc. (I think you called them tags) then I can use a period then, right?
Yes. "For an example similar to this?" I ask, ending it with a period.
I agree with @writelikeyourerunningoutoftime on all points!! I can honestly feel your writing getting better and better as you keep posting stuff to us! It's amazing!
Oh, on the pretentious tone thing—it's good then! If you were going for a more pretentious upity sounding character, good use of diction then. Style, tone, diction, syntax–all those things combine to create the character, especially in first person, so always be aware of those elements. (not that you haven't done great so far) Keep it up!!
(She's hella jealous of Natiselle bc she is in love with Strisen. ) My computer is about to die so sorry if its rough!!
~Edited~
Aelina
Her dark curls shone even here in the dim lamplight of the outer district. It baffled me how even now her features could be this stunning and it somehow justified my plan. No one could be that perfect–suspiciously perfect. We rounded the corner and the street, now little more than a rocky alley way took a turn for the worse. Grime crept down the brick walls of buildings and debris littered the ground. In the distance I could hear the yowls of fighting cats and screech of black birds.
She did not even seem to notice the sudden change in scenery. Natiselle continued to titter on about some gown she had seen at the dressmaker’s and how it was so unfair that her color choices were so limited by the Pravaci Court. She was utterly unconcerned that we were steadily approaching some of the worst parts of the city.
Then, as if on cue, a dark figure stepped out of the shadows. “Two pretty ladies. Bless Archanie. Looks like a win tonight, eh lads?” I turned around and saw two more ruffians behind us. Something was terribly wrong. It was only supposed to be Jatil; he had assured me that he would do it himself. The man in front of us was decidedly not Jatil, he was much too tall. The bottom of my stomach fell and my hands began to shake, the full weight of my mistake dawned on me.
Natiselle took a step forward and looked the man up and down. I wanted nothing more than to yell at her for being a fool but my voice seemed to have deserted me
“Now, what would you lovely gentlemen want with us?” She played with the ribbon at the front of her dress as she moved. “Surely it would be more prudent for you to escort us to our destination and be rewarded handsomely upon our arrival.” She dared to flutter her eyelashes at them. “Our purses are much too meager to satisfy the three of you.”
“Hear that? We’re gentlemen now,” the stout one snickered.
“She speaks such pretty words, but oh how stupid,” the leader leered. They started to circle us, like predator around prey, like the hyenas from my books. “You see lovely, a nice clean toss is so hard to find in the out parts. There is so much more than your purse to be had.”
“I don’t think I’ve seen such a delicate lady in my life,” the thin one panted.
The leader cocked his head and looked at Natiselle, “What do you think lads, I think darkie over here can take two of us.”
“I don’t care as long as I get blondie.”
The air seemed to shift, like a cloak falling away, revealing the world as it truly was. I looked at Natiselle and gone was the frivolous girl who cared only about her jewels, in her stead was a steely eyed creature with a lip curling in rage. “Wrong thing to say, ‘lads’,” disgust dripped from her voice, a full octave lower than normal. She pulled at the ribbon she had been fiddling with and her skirt and petticoats fell away, revealing tightfitting trousers and flat soled boots. Somehow she had managed to secure two forearm length blades and a whip to her thighs. “I can take all three of you.”
My skin crawled as if the claw of death had trailed down the length of my spine. I could hear the blood rushing to my ears, a throbbing beat like war drums that drowned out everything else. She strung into action and if I had not been too terrified to move, I would have shielded my eyes. With a flick the whip wrapped itself around the main thug’s neck and his eyes bugged as he clawed at his throat. The stocky one ran at her and she nimbly slid out of the way, turning and pulling at her whip in the same motion. He missed her and she kicked out the back of his knees as he ran past her and sent him sprawling.
“Natiselle, behind you!” I yelped as the last remaining ruffian approached her back, knife in hand. She turned at the last moment and drew one of her blades. She blocked him with her forearm and ducked under his swipe. Figuring that she needed both hands, she let go of the whip and threw the blade at the leader. It found its mark in his stomach and he looked down in shock. With a yank he pulled it out and immediately blood bloomed across his shirt. I could feel the bile rising in my throat.
She did not even pause. Natiselle had pulled her remaining blade and was ducking and weaving around each swipe he tried to land. She danced around him, slicing at any opening–his back, side, cheek. Every cut she landed caused him to roar with pain or anger.
Suddenly, I could feel a grimy hand at my throat, pulling backwards. The stocky one that had fallen, I had forgotten about him. I could feel his hot breath on my head, smelling of rot and his last meal. His sweaty shirt clung to my back and I could almost feel it through my bodice. A gasp escaped me and Natiselle’s face whipped around. Her eyes narrowed as spots danced in my vision. She raised her hand and her dagger flew through the air. Space seemed to hang still as it came towards us. My knees buckled and only his hand was keeping upright. Then I could feel wetness in my hair and on my forehead. His grip fell away and air flooded my lungs.
I turned to look at him and saw the hilt protruding from his thick neck. My stomach heaved and I fell to all fours. The gravel bit into my palms, but the stable ground comforted me. I lifted my head and saw Natiselle behind the last one, her elbow in line with his jaw and her legs wrapped around his waist. She was clutching on of her fists and looked to be pulling up with all her might, her teeth gritted in the effort. Her lips were moving, almost as if she was counting. He clawed at her arm for a moment before pitching forward.
She did not let go for what seemed like an eternity. When she finally rolled off of him, her heaving breath the only sound in the night. She stumbled to her feet, cleaned her hands on her now filthy trousers, and started to retrieve her weapons. I watched as she wiped the blood from her blades on each victim’s clothes before sheathing them again.
“How –” I started, “How did you do that? You met your mark every time.” She looked at me and I realized my mouth must have been agape. I dragged my sleeve across it in an effort to remove the bile.
“I was aiming for their foreheads,” she said, her face flushed but otherwise emotionless. Her eyes narrowed and my heart sank as if I knew what the next words out of her mouth would be. “You knew this was going to happen did you not? This is why you brought me here.” Her voice was so quiet and fear shot through me. “There is no ‘delicious dining hall’ in this region is there?”
“I – I did not expect for this–” I stumbled over my words, “my friend was –”
“To what? Jump out and scare me?”
“I, yes, but –”
“Why?” she spat.
“I was jealous.” It was not until the words left my mouth that I realized my true motivation. The look in her eyes seemed to turn from murder to something like pity. To my surprise she offered me a hand. “Are you not going to kill me?”
“Why? Are you trying to kill me? She asked, a singular eyebrow quirking up.
“No.”
“Then why in three hells would I kill you?” she cursed.
“I know that you are not what you seem. You are more than just some lord’s daughter, here to find a wealthy husband.” Finally my voice seemed to find its footing.
“You owe me now, three times over. You are too useful to dispose of now,” she said, “and I am not an animal. I would never kill an unarmed man or woman." She shook her hand at me. Are you going to stay on the ground in your own filth?”
I took her hand and she pulled me to my feet. She collected her skirt and refastened it to her waist, but not before I noticed the cuts on her arms and legs. “I am so sorry. You are hurt!” I exclaimed.
She turned to look at herself. “Hmm, so I am.” Natiselle looked down at her skirt and swore at the now stained mess they were in. “I want my clothes mended and laundered by Wednesday.” I nodded vigorously. Satisfied, she started back the way we came.
A puff of air escaped me and I was overcome with relief. As the adrenaline left me, exhaustion took its place. I followed after her, trying by best to keep my fatigue at bay. After a while, we made it back to a main street. “Let me see your house gem.” She thrust her hand at me and without a word I pulled the ruby from its place next to my heart. She closed her hand around the golden chain and said, “Follow my lead.” She stumbled toward an approaching carriage, her fist outstretched with the ruby swinging and glittering in the lamplight. I did not need to pretend to be tired, my legs felt like lead.
“Help!” She cried, managing to be both breathless and loud. We must have been a sight, Natiselle with her tattered and bloody sleeves and me with bile and blood in my hair.
The carriage slowed and the alarmed lord and lady peered out. “Please, we beg your help to the Pravaci District.” The lady looked at her husband and put a gentile hand on his arm. “House Toulerin will reward you greatly”. He nodded and the door swung open. I sunk into the cusions gratefully and promptly fainted.
Wow, a lot going on here, both action and character wise!
I have no clue how these characters a portrayed in scenes leading up to and following after this one, so i've got no way of telling if its consistent or not, but i'll leave my general impressions so you can see if you are showing what you mean to be showing here:
–Aelina has never been involved in action or fighting directly before
–Aelina just meant to embarrass or scare Natiselle
–to what end?
–what did she think would happen afterwards that would benefit herself in anyway besides just getting the pleasure of scaring Nat?
–Natiselle has been trained in combat for a long time
–Natiselle is a good actor
–Natiselle is quick to anger and ruthless when angry
Okay!
On to the grammar:
Sentence structure is an issue i see throughout (and that could be because you were writing so quick).
I'm just gonna go through and edit some obvious ones:
–
It baffled me how even now her features could be this stunning, it somehow justified my plan. No one was that perfect, it shot me through with suspicion.
becomes
It baffled me how even now her features could be this stunning and it somehow justified my plan. No one could be that perfect–suspiciously perfect.
–
The air seemed to shift, it was like a cloak fell and revealed the world as it truly was.
becomes
The air seemed to shift, like a cloak falling away, revealing the world as it truly was.
–
I realized my mouth must have been agape, I dragged my sleeve across it in an effort to remove the bile.
becomes
I realized my mouth must have been agape. I dragged my sleeve across it in an effort to remove the bile.
–
A puff of air escaped me, I was overcome with relief and suddenly I was exhausted.
becomes
A puff of air escaped me and I was overcome with relief. As the adrenaline left me, exhaustion took it's place.
–
She danced around him. Slicing at every opening; his back, side, cheek, every cut she landed cause him to roar with pain or anger, I could not tell which.
becomes
She danced around him, slicing at any opening–his back, side, cheek. Every cut she landed caused him to roar with pain or anger. (since this is in first person, the word "or" shows that she doesn't know which. You don't have to state it directly)
–
Alrighty! That was fun!
I liked this scene and the action definitely drew me in. I was intrigued by the reason that they were tramping through the dirty alley. The whole transformation from ditzy girl to warrior is always great–it reminds me of black widow from avengers :)
Word of caution: that transformation is a cliche that fantasy/action novels often have, so use it wisely. Give her a good reason to be acting the ditzy part and make sure you don't fall into the trap of making her into a machine when she does "transform." she needs a solid personality besides the two extremes of actor and warrior.
Anyways…
It was nice! keep it up!
Oh my gosh, this was awesome! I would point out the grammatical errors, but @TryToDoItWrite pointed them out and corrected them quite deftly, so I'll skip that. To expound on the cliché transformation: Is Nastille acting when she is charming and bubbly, or is that just one facet of her personality? A way to break that cliché is presenting her as both –the charming lady with a deadly side. Her ditzy façade doesn't have to be a façade, but instead just a part of her complex personality. I think that would make her a very interesting and convincing character. There's no rule that a ditzy, flirty airhead can't be deadly and focused when provoked. Just make sure there are no obvious contradictions and it all makes sense. Other than that, I absolutely adored this section! So good.
I agree! ^^^
Happy Easter and thank you guys so much! Y'all rock my socks off! Y'all's edits have been made. So to answer questions/comments:
First of all, @TryToDoItWrite I LOVE that you did got all that from it and shared it with me! So little bit of background:
Aelina:
Natiselle: @writelikeyourerunningoutoftime thanks so much the multifaceted comment! I don't think I had actually consciously thought of the many sides of Nati!
I am so glad that yous guys enjoyed it! I was really concerned about pacing and since there weren't any critiques, I'm guessing it wasn't a problem? For something a bit happier for Easter, here is this:
Natiselle
“I want to stay like this forever. With you. In bed. Writing everything that comes to mind. Up until the wee hours of the night, memorizing each other, and giggling at the majesty of the world that is almost at our fingertips. Close, but not quite there yet.”
His words ignited my soul with a burning that I still cannot quite describe. “So you will join us? You want more?” I whispered, still scared that this was all a dream.
He took my hand in his. “Out of all that, you just heard the end?” He laughed at my expression. “I want you. Rebellion included.”
Happy Easter! Thanks for sharing your brilliant writing with me. Okay, Natiselle might be my favorite character. I love that she still doesn't like killing, and that the cold exterior is a mask. That's really interesting. The little section is nice, although I'm always wary of sappy lines that run a tad long.
Yours: “I want to stay like this forever. With you. In bed. Writing everything that comes to mind. Up until the wee hours of the night, memorizing each other, and giggling at the majesty of the world that is almost at our fingertips. Close, but not quite there yet.”
How I would write it (but not a necessity if you don't like it): "I want to stay like this forever. With you. Memorizing each other and writing everything that comes to mind. Giggling at the majesty of the world that is almost at our fingertips."
The point being that most people don't spit poetic dialogue like that for very long. Not saying people don't say pretty things, but they usually don't say really long pretty things. Otherwise, AHH!!! I love it so much!!!! "I want you. Rebellion included." Just made me swoon.
Great job. I can't wait to read more.
(happy easter!!) AHhh! I'm honestly no good with romance at all so i'll just smile and nod on this one.
*smile *
*nod *
It is like 1:30 AM. I have 1600 word essay to write tonight. I have 4 words. My stupid characters won’t let me go. I am sleep deprived and need to think about state building but I am writing this. My inspiration is me. I am neither a man or do I have a wife. Will I use this? Idk man.
Natiselle – (This could also be changed for Eline and Solin; Kraio and Strisen's parents )
There must have been a dozen or so candles scattered around the room. All at multiple levels of low burning. Stifling a yawn, I waddled into office and made my way to Stris. “Why are you still awake? I cannot sleep without you next to me.”
He glanced up and grunted.
“Come to bed.”
He scribbled something furiously and the sound of the scratching quill floated around him, “The treaty must be done before the dignitaries get here tomorrow.” He tore his eyes from the parchment for a moment to look at one of this year’s ledgers.
“Why? You know it is just going to be torn apart before the day is over.” He looked at me as if I had cooked our dog and served it to him on a platter.
“Why on earth would you say that to me?” He muttered, aghast, running a hand through his silver hair. “And why are you right?”
I laughed, “Come to bed, love. You need to sleep or they will think you have gone mad.” I gave his shoulders a squeeze and looked down at the mess of his desk. It was usually in such order, but now it looked more like my desk. Parchment strewn about with abandon, multiple empty ink wells, a couple broken quills, and no less than three bowls filled with dregs of what could have been stew or tea. “Look, you have written the same sentence four times.”
“No! I have not!” he was utterly horrified. “Where?” I pointed to each part and when I lifted my finger I was dismayed to find ink there. He groaned reached for a new sheet.
“Strisen Seblire, put down the quill and come with me.”
“I can sleep when I’m dead,” he muttered.
Exasperated, I made my way back to the door way, trying my best to support myself. When I finally got there, I gave him a look. “That can be arranged. I guess it comes down to the big question. Who are you more afraid of?” I gestured at myself before returning my hands to my back. “Some diplomats or your heavily pregnant wife?”
…
I had not been in bed for two minutes before the man dragged himself into our sleeping chambers. He came to my side, put a hand on my belly, and kissed my forehead. “You are going to protect me from them tomorrow.” Stris kicked off his shoes as he made his way to his side, but did not bother with the rest of his clothes before falling into the mattress. “I am sure you – ” he was already asleep.
I also figured this shit out:
tricks/ glitches I have noticed.
A "-" with a space on either side will become a bullet point:
An indention makes a little scrolly box thing, or at least it used to, its not doing it right now.
< b > (no spaces) on either side of a word will makes it bold . Until you use the (< / b >)
< i > does the same for italics
AWW! this is cute! so domestic feeling and it doesn't feel weird or forced. Ironically, i'm too tired to look too hard for grammar or style mishaps, or style mistakes. Did I write that twice? whoops . . . .
I love it! So warm and casual. They have seem to have very good chemistry. No mistakes that I could find, stylistic or otherwise. The dialogue was a shining moment, honestly. The part about having written the same sentence multiple times made me smile. It just seemed so authentic. Good job on this :D
*They seem to have
This is the scene immediately following the alley scene… sorry if my grammar is off the walls, I have class in like 20 min. As always thanks a bunch y'all and tear it apart! :)
Natiselle –
~Edited~
I did not take a full breath until I reached my chambers. When I finally released my fists and the tension left me, my knees buckled. My heart threatened to beat out of my chest and I could feel the blood draining from my cheeks.
With fumbling fingers, I tugged at the ribbon again and I escaped my skirt. I tried to work myself out of the corset, but it was much too tight. I could not even begin to imagine the terror a lady's maid would have at the sight of me. Gods it was so pretty, the thought of damaging it pained me, but I felt as if it was constricting my very soul. Before I could change my mind, I dragged my blade down my back and felt the soft snap of each cord. It fell away from me and my chest rejoiced. Newly liberated, I made my way to the washroom and began to wash the blood from my hands.
I made the mistake of looking up and immediately I wished that I had kept my head down. The woman who looked back at me had wild eyes and disheveled hair. I turned away from myself and focused singularly on my hands. The vigorous movement shook the porcelain and the water threatened to splash everywhere. Still I scrubbed. I scrubbed until the soap slipped from my grip and in an effort to catch it; I knocked the basin to the ground. It shattered spectacularly and the pink water splashed everywhere. I cursed as I bent down to pick up the shards.
“What happened?” I did not need to lift my head to know that Kraio was standing in the doorway. He came, knelt next to me, and began picking up the shards with his deft fingers.
“Nothing I cannot handle.”
“Should I be worried?” He got up and gingerly placed the pieces on the countertop.
"Your little plaything is going to be terrified for a while," I managed, "but there is nothing I could have done about that."
“What happened?” he asked again.
I spun on him and snapped, “I do not wish to dwell on it, Kraiotan. Leave me be!”
He seemed to truly take me in, a wild mess of raw hands and bloody arms.
“How many?” He already knew.
“Three.”
“What did they do?” His voice was deathly quiet.
"Threatened us." My voice quaked and I could not bear to look at him. My hand flew to my mouth, and I could smell the iron. "They wanted to have their way with us."
He closed the distance between us and enveloped me in his arms. “Oh sister, I am so sorry.” I buried my head in the crook of his shoulder. “I want nothing more than to kill them.” I could feel the tension coursing through him. “But it seems you beat me to it.”
“I did not even know their names.” I hated myself for it but my voice broke. I so desperately wanted to be a harsh and unrelenting wave of wrath. But try as I might, I could not help but think of how I had a family to comfort me. Did they? “Kraio, I just –” I sobbed, “They probably have loved ones – had, had loved ones.”
He took a step away from me and held me at arm’s length. “Nati, listen to me. None of this is your fault.” I could not face him. “Look at me. They put you in a position where your life was threatened. You know this. Your head knows this.” He gently lifted my chin. “They made their choices and you made yours. Thankfully, you came out on top and you will never find me wishing that you had not. Even though you drive me mad, the world is better with you in it.”
All I could do was nod and he pulled me in again, perching his chin on the top of my head. “And because I know you, I know that you are going to beat yourself up over feeling remorse.” I clutched on tighter. “You are human, I would worry if you felt nothing.”
I LOVE THIS! I really enjoyed the dialogue, the way the tension slowly built, the way she scrubbed at her hands –YES. So good. However, you did have a few grammatical errors:
YOURS: When I finally released my fists and the tension left me, I almost collapsed into an unceremonious heap.
EDIT: When I finally released my fists and the tension left me, I wanted to collapse.
Reason: It interrupted the flow to include so many words for something that didn't happen. You know what I mean? Why say that she "Almost collapsed…" all? I think expressing her desire to collapse would suffice. It's a stylistic choice, so not a necessity.
YOURS: The woman who looked back at me had wild eyes and a wild halo of disheveled hair.
EDIT: The woman who looked back at me had wild eyes and disheveled hair.
Reason: Why include both wild and disheveled for the hair? You say wild twice, and it provides no extra details. Again, stylistic.
YOURS: I tried to work myself out of the corset, but it was much too tight and I could not even began to imagine the terror a lady’s maid would have at the sight of me.
EDIT: I tried to work myself out of the corset, but it was much too tight. I could not even begin to imagine the terror a lady's maid would have at the sight of me.
Reason: Run on sentence, and you used the wrong tense (began).
YOURS: “Your little plaything is going to be terrified for a while,” I managed “But there is nothing I could have done about that.”
EDIT: "Your little plaything is going to be terrified for a while," I managed, "but there is nothing I could have done about that."
Reason: Two commas offset dialogue tags when the dialogue is one sentence.
YOURS: “Threatened us,” my voice quaked and I could not bear to look at him. My hand flew to my mouth, and I could smell the iron, “they wanted to have their way with us.”
EDIT: "Threatened us." My voice quaked and I could not bear to look at him. My hand flew to my mouth, and I could smell the iron. "They wanted to have their way with us."
Reason: No dialogue tags = no commas except in special cases when the action interrupts the words.
Really just nit-picky stuff today. Everything involving Nastille is just amazing. Seriously, great work!! I love Nastille so much, and her relationship with Kraio is really cool. :D
AHH! This is a good follow up scene to the alley scene. It fills in the blanks and explains characters even more! Love it!
Same with @writelikeyourerunningoutoftime all i got is grammary/stylistic stuff:
(i've only got two that she didn't mention)
Very first sentence: I do not believe that I took a full breath until I reached my chambers.
my edit: I did not take a full breath until I reached my chambers.
With first person, you don't have to state that she believed it. Of course she believes it, it's her first person POV narrative. imo it's a bit redundant.
Near the end: All I could do was nod and he pulled me in again, infuriatingly perching his chin on the top of my head.
my edit: All I could do was nod and he pulled me in again, perching his chin on the top of my head.
i cut the adjective because it felt choppy and it didn't fit with the mood. it says just a sentence later that she "clutched on tighter." so she was feeling comforted. she wasn't infuriated, thus the adj doesn't make sense there.
But seriously, that's all i've got! It was awesome! Your characters are so cool!
OH MY GOD. Thank you so much. It is my pet peeve of all peeves to have the same word in the same paragraph, let alone same sentence. Ugh, I'm horrified.
Okay so here is the thing I am really struggling with. I know for a fact that Natiselle is going to fall in love with Stris. Stris and Kraio look exactly alike except Stris is platinum blond, a slightly more lean build, and is always clean shaven. Natiselle was raised with Kraio like siblings (even though they knew they weren't). Y'all picking up what I'm laying down? Basically I just want it to be VERY clear that there is no incest going around cause, omfg ICK.
So in an effort to combat that I am going to really try to distinguish them alot. Please let me know if they ever start to become the same person, especially because I don't have much experience writing from a guy's perspective.
Kraio -
Stris -
Also I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THEY ARE GOING TO REACT WHEN THEY FINALLY MEET EACH OTHER AHHHHH. Help?
BUT, the only thing that I can think of is this… ugh
Kraio's book just slipped out of his fingers. He looked down at it and then back at us. He then proceeded to point and gape like a fish. "You are with him?"
"You know that it is rude to point." I shot him a glare. The last thing I wanted to do was have this discussion.
"He is my brother!" He looked like he was about to fall over.
"He is not mine!" We were both yelling now.
"If I - " Stris started.
"Shhh!" Kraio and I both cut him off in unison.
"You are not my sibling either!" Kraio waved his arms about.
"Gross, Kraio. I could never love you." I shouted.
"Oh, that hurts Nati. We look exactly alike! Why do you not love me?" In that moment I knew that he just did not want to lose to me.
"You called me fatty!"
"We were six!" he gasped and I could not help it anymore, I burst into laughter. He sputtered for a moment before rolling his eyes and laughing with me.
"Wait, you love me?" Strisen asked quietly and I felt the blood rush to my cheeks.
"Kraio, I am going to kill you."
I like the idea of the scene, but you may want to develop it at a slower pace. It kind of seems like you're jumping from line to line without explaining what's going on. Maybe with more context this would work better, but the humor gets a bit lost at some points. I think just adding more –clarity, words, explanation, etc.– would fix this scene.
Agreed! it's a good dialog outline! honestly i sometimes go through scenes and write the dialog first then fill in the visuals and pacing that i want
~Edited~
Aelina –
How could I have ever thought that the relationship between them had been anything other than sibling rivalry? At the moment, Kraio was glaring at Natiselle as if he was considering the best way to drown her. The vein in his forehead throbbed in the same way that Strisen's did when he was angry.
“How could you?” He growled, finally breaking the silence.
“Give her more credit,” Natiselle scowled. She did not even deign to look at him; instead, she glowered at the terrain map in front of her. “She is more than capable of the mission.”
“Not everyone has the training that you had! You sent her in blind.” He slammed his fists on the table, making all of the little pieces jump.
“No, you are blind. All you see is her pretty curls.” She finally looked up at him. There was an odd look on her face, almost like resignation. “Would you throw it all away for her? She is clouding your judgement!”
“How dare you?” He spat. “You hypocrite–”
“Gods Kraiotan, open your eyes!” She snarled. “Etela is Straivia’s spy! I’m having her tailed at the moment.”
The color drained from his face. “She what?” he breathed.
“Oh, Kraio,” Natiselle said softly. Her eyes lost their steel and she feebly reached out a hand.
“How did you find out?” He stumbled back into his chair. His voice was barely above a whisper, and yet it ripped through me.
“I was suspicious of how many times she has crossed our paths and still she did not greet us as friends.” As she pushed her hand through her hair, I could see it shake. “It could have been over for us that one day in the park. When she was with you, I took the liberty of searching her room. I found stationary on her desk that was much too fine to belong to courtesan, even on of the caliber of Etela.”
Kraio winced and I could almost feel his pain in my chest. “It smelled of cobalt chloride, just like invisible puzzles Erion trained us with. The message was condemning,” Natiselle said.
“What did it say?” He whispered with his head in his hands.
“I – It was, it does not–” Natiselle stammered.
“Natiselle, what did it say?”
She paused, looking for all the world like she regretted ever opening her mouth. “It said to get close to you. You were a target. Kraio, I am sorry.”
He shot up and made a move toward the open air. “I am going to kill her.” There was no life to his voice and somehow this was more terrifying than his outburst.
“You cannot,” Natiselle blurted out. “You must keep up the relationship. She cannot know.”
He stopped in his tracks, one hand on the tent flap. “That is cruel, even for you.” And he left before Natiselle could utter another word.
I could see her rebuttal die in her throat. “Aelina, could you go after him?”
“Me?” I squeaked. I am not proud of it, but after all these months, she still terrified me.
“Yes. He cannot be alone right now,” she breathed. “Please?” The pain in her eyes shone through and my heart broke a little for her.
“Of course,” I nodded and left the commander’s tent.
Wow, I love the dialogue in this. Poor Kraio! I feel so bad for him. And for Nastille, since she had to be the bearer of such bad news. Okay, clears throat now to critique.
You have the narrator make a lot of pithy descriptions. Some feel a little awkward. I'm not quite sure how to explain it, but stuff like "as if she did not want to be having this fight" and "she looked like she wanted to reach out and hug him" seem quite insightful for first person POV. Make your narrator a little less sure of the innermost thoughts of the people around them.
Now to get nit-picky. "As pushed her hand through her hair, I could see it shake visibly." Could see it shake visibly is redundant. If you can see something, it's visible. Drop the unnecessary adjective.
Another thing you sometimes do is not make it clear who is speaking. For example:
Kraio winced and I could almost feel his pain in my chest. “It smelled of cobalt chloride, just like invisible puzzles Erion trained us with. The message was condemning.”"
It almost seemed like Kraoi was talking, until you cleared it up in the next sentence. I recommend adding a dialogue tag, like "Nastille said" just to clear that up.
Okay! Other than that, really solid segment. Again, dialogue was very interesting. I'm not lying when I say I'd read this entire book. Here's hoping someday you publish it! Lol. Good job :D
Yo me too! This is great!
Hey y'all! So I am currently wiped, but it is my goal to write a little everyday. So, if its not too much to ask… I was wondering if you guys would like to give me little prompts of where you would like to see in the story? Like maybe you are intrigued by a particular character and want to know a little more or want to see a particular character in a certain scenario. No matter how outlandish I will write it! I can't promise that it will end up in the final draft but it will help to shape my characters!